H4U:

COOL!

She had a good day [email]F@@king[/email] her BF.

And you blew that up when she came home.

Time to ask her again:

"What is your decision?"

Move in or Move out?

And time to talk to your employer, (to cause Financial pain to OM) then the boys, and In-laws.

Schedule the time with SH to set up the timelines for this.

Your doing really well.

As awful as the swamp looks that you seem to be standing in, you have blocked the entrance for the alligators. The wall you have isn't the strongest, but it can hold while you bring in the the reinforcements.

LG

Good job H4U! I know exactly what you mean about that sense of calm that comes from just throwing it all on the table and letting come what may! I had the exact same feeling. Like I said, I got to the point where I really didn't care if I got divorced, it sounded better than life as it was.

DEFINITELY bring the hammer down on OM and his contracting work with your company if you can!

Stay strong man, I don't know what others think, but I would suggest an "in home" Plan B at this point. Take your son out to dinner without her, when she asks whats for dinner, tell her "oh, we already ate". Let her laundry pile up while you do yours and your son's. Stop buying her stuff when you go to the store, etc. Stop all affection and be civil but distant, etc. Its time to allow her to see the reality of what she'll be giving up if she makes that choice.

Good for you, Hope. It makes me cringe to think about that little smirk. W2S used to comment about mine. Then one day about 5 months ago, I looked up at him in the middle of one of our fights (I'm sure I had that smirk) and you know what I saw in HIS eyes? HATE. Disgust. I had never, ever seen him look at me like that before. I remember it was enough to take my breath away. I'm not sure he noticed, 'cuz he was fumin' at the time, but I'll never forget it, and I saw it several times over the next few months. I knew I had become someone he didn't even know...and couldn't stand. For Mr. Mellow, that's saying a LOT. He gets along with just about everyone. Seeing that look in his eyes was like a slap in the face.

I think you did great. That conversation will work on her, but you really need to get tough on your boundaries. Make sure she knows that as long as she continues to flaunt her A in you face and break NC, she will not be living in the family home. Sounds like their A went way under ground...how do they communicate? Cut off the source. Expose to anyone you haven't-most IMPORTANTLY your sons. They can help you here, Hope. They are watching their F be completely disrespected. Get the truth out and let them work their magic to put presure on her. Better that they are older-they understand the dynamics of relationships and can really lay it on her. I really think this is key. This A has been going on almost a year...the longer it goes on, the longer WD will be.

Once again-you did a great job. I pray you get your life back, Hope...you are going to be OK!

Thanks for all the support guys, it means a lot. Got an appt with SH for Wed am. I'll see what he recommends as far as further exposure. If he agrees I plan on telling the kids this weekend. Let WW deal with that fallout. The only way that exposure could be put on hold is if WW agrees to NC and work on our marriage before this weekend.

I feel so much better after Sat night. Both Sat and Sun nights I slept like a baby. I woke up this morning hating WW, and my feelings haven't changed. I guess I should have done this before now because I'm not sure if she agrees to work on the marriage that I'll even want to. Guess it will depend on how sincere I feel she is. All I know is right now I can't stand the sight of her. It was good yesterday in that she spent the whole day in the bedroom by herself as I don't know if I'd have been able to not LB all over the place if she'd have been in the room with me.

I'll keep you posted on what SH has to say.

Edited to add: I remember one more thing WW said Sat night. I told her if she went NC I would be willing to work on our marriage and I'm sure her feelings for me would come back if she gave it some time. WW's response? "We would be trying for all the wrong reasons"! WTF? I can't say I've ever seen that fog babble here before. I said back "All the wrong reasons? Our kids are a wrong reason to try and save our marriage?" She just looked at me.

Your response seemed like a good one to me. I must admit, I haven't heard THAT one yet from my WW.

If you're waking up hating her, I'm going to take a guess and say that you should be getting lined up for Plan B. I think Steve will tell you the same thing.

Aaaahhh yes, all the wrong reasons indeed! She is speaking straight from her twisted little wayward heart here. Because, you know, "they are soulmates" and "they belong together" and blah blah blah...Interpretation: "If I work on our M I won't be following my heart. Our kids will be fine and we cannot stay in a loveless M just for the kids or the house or the money." You did great RB here...and you did get a small reward...that priceless wayward blank stare when faced with TRUE logic!

Sick, isn't it? Barf.

Keep fighting the good fight, Hope! Anxious to hear what Steve has to say tomorrow. I agree...hating her isn't good. But man, I can imagine I was at the very least "hard to love" many time during my fog days. Let us know what Steve says tomorrow!

Thanks LaLa, One thing I forgot to mention before. I was talking with OMW yesterday and she told me that OM told her that WW had said to him that she "would NEVER try to work on our marriage". Of course this was right after exposure day.

But what concerns me is that WW is the King of Bullheadland and I can see her following through with that comment just because of her bullheadedness. It's like she still blames me for ruining the "romance of the century" and her one chance to be happy and will never consider making it work with me because she feels I don't have her happiness at heart.

I know, fog, fog, blah, blah, blah, but I think she's really going to have to hit rock bottom before she comes to her senses.

Interestingly, this weekend WW bought newspapers both Sat evening and Sunday. We don't get a paper delivered so I assume she was interested in looking for appts/houses. Maybe the shock of what she would be living in compared to the house we currently have will put a little hitch in her giddy-up. Right now we live in the neighborhood that when you tell everyone in the area where we live they go "ohhh.....(insert neighborhood name here).

At this point, let her leave. At least the pain and disrespect will be gone and I can get on with life. I know she's just in the alien fog, but I just don't know if I'll be able to reconcile the way she's treated me and acted so entitled even if she does want to recommit to the marriage. Guess we'll cross that bridge if we get there.

Getting close to Plan B, Hope...you know this. She is draining your lovebank very quickly now. She is acting like a spoiled teenager instead of a 47 year old grown woman with kids.

We're here for ya, buddy!

Something tells me that your sitch and mine have the same path for hope: WW leaving the family home and Plan B starting.

As much as I'd love for that NOT to happen, I think that the only way that my M has a chance is if WW leaves, Plan A continues for a couple of weeks, and then a pitch black Plan B begins. In fact, if WW would go for it, I'd take that option right now.

Thanks LaLa, 14th. I think the reason I've slept so well the last couple nights is because I feel like I've known deep down inside that it would probably take plan B for her to come to her senses and that eventuality is finally almost here. There's a little part of me that thinks she may agree to work on the marriage especially after I tell the kids, but at the same time she may NEVER work on the marriage after I tell the kids. She will see it as punishment and my trying to get the kids on my side. I thik that's why SH has recommended I not tell them yet, but I think the time has come for them to know what's going on. Let them put some pressure on her "fantasy world" that she and OM will live happily ever after with kids and grandkids showing up for holidays etc.

Like I said, she's such a bullhead that I can't imagine her ever admitting that she f'd up until she hits rock bottom. And even if she hits bottom she just may never want to reconcile just because that would be admitting that she was wrong and did f up.

Steve recommended that I only tell the kids if they ask, but after the re-contact, I decided that all bets are off. WW hasn't made a move to commit to the M, nor will she proceed with a D. I'm going to have to be the one to clamp as much pressure on the A a possible and hope that she clears her head enough to realize the mistake that she's making.

You may be right. If you are, then it is her problem. Its her problem anyway, really, isn't it?

I know exactly how you feel man, its where I was right before my D-Day. Fortunately for me my W figured it out really quickly once she realized that I had hit rock bottom regarding my feelings for her.

Its made it alot tougher now, because even though I am glad she's committed to working on things, she took me to a pretty dark spot before realizing what she wanted, and I feel its possible, if not likely, that I will never feel the same about her. I guess that's what recovery is all about. I hope for you and your kids sake that you get a chance to figure out what I'm talking about.

They are old enough to know, they deserve to know. They probalby do already.

Thanks 14th, TYK.

I've been thinking quite a bit about the stages you go through when you discover something like this. At first I really thought she would say "oh crap, I'm busted and for everyone's sake I'll end it". Then when that didn't happen, I mistakenly thought that me knowing about it would put enough pressure on it for it to end. Wrong again. Then I thought when OMW found out that would be the end of it. 3 strikes, you're out.

And all during that time I never really dealt with my emotions as I want my kids to not have to go through this kind of destruction of their lives, so I kind of put my feelings aside.

Now I'm beginning to deal with my emotions. And I know it's just the fog she's in, but like I said in an earlier post, I'm not sure I will be able to reconcile how she's treated me, even fog bound, with my "normal" wife, if we get to that point.

All I know is now I will not be accepting of anything less than I want/need when it comes to recovery (if we get there). I might have been a couple months ago, but not now. It's like I've finally realized I'll be ok with or without her (although with less money).

Hopeforus,
I am going thru the same stages. Expect something, then disappointment. I got great advice to just stop expecting. Do what you gotta do, make yourself a better person, work on yourself, just do plan A w/o expectation. Very hard to do. For me I would get happy for every little glimmer of hope only to get crushed the next morning (my WW has daily morning anger). Good luck, I'm trying to follow along. I hope just knowing that so many of us are going thru almost identical situations gives some comfort and support. (Man, that sounds like an ad for a bra)

H4U, 14,Lino -

Nice to see BH roaring back at the incredible insult endured and taking some control back.

I was incredibly lucky in that my sons - 17&23 at the time - actually noticed something was wrong before I had a handle on it. I was in a deep BS fog - no way my wife of 25 yrs (2005) would do this - but the all night outs, late nights after bars closed and extreme drinking, SF dryup, and anger were adding up.

They were victims of her DJ and AO also. They confronted her and found the OM for a face to face discussion (no altercations). They were concerned of my reaction once I found out. I had no idea of Plan A or B so probably would have done a Plan FU and ended up doing something I regretted.

Her fog cleared right away and then WD rolled in for sometime.

Thanks Lino, RW.

I think WW is going to get the shock of her life when I tell the kids this weekend. That is unless SH strongly recommends I don't tell them until I get WW's answer whether it's me or OM.

I was just talking with my friend D. D and WW have been very good friends for years. WW was D's confidant during D's A years ago. D is going to send WW an email, probably on Wed, telling her the way it is, and to not expect their friendship to continue like it has if she continues with the way she's treated me.

I was thinking while talking with D. I know the fog theory. But I wonder if some of the traits exhibited in the fog are just traits that have been buried deep down inside that an A allows to come to the surface? I don't know. Gonna have to think on that one some, because I've reached the point where I'm not sure I can ever get past the disrespect/abuse/lies/pain she has shown me, with NO remorse, for the last year.

Love Bank = Empty.

hope,
did'nt you say that you WW has a STD? Have you informed the OMW of this to protect herself,and get a test done.
Just asking, I could be wrong. if i am please forgive me for bring it up.

AF

Yes she does. I haven't came right out and specifically said to OMW that WW has one, but in a conversation a few months ago OMW made the comment that she should probably get tested as who knows what diseases OM has been exposed to. I agreed with her and strongly suggested that she be tested as I was going to do the same thing.

Funny you should mention that as here the last day or so I've been strongly thinking that I may come right out and tell her exactly what WW has. I know it's the right thing to do. SH had recommended to me to just handle it like I already have i.e., suggest she get tested without going into details. I plan on bringing it up with him again tomorrow when I talk with him.

I would imagine that would put a kink in the A when OM finds out, but at this point I don't think I really care. The last few days I've come to the point where if this M is going to work it'll be WW that has to make the effort. I'm done.

((((((Hope)))))))

I'm sorry you have reached this point. But be careful, the roller coaster does have big ups and downs. Try to use this time of anger to build a protective wall around you to shield yourself from her nastiness. You are not dealing with your wife, remember? If you protect yourself from the WW's venom, it will protect what love you have left, should your REAL wife find herself.

Make sure when you speak to SH, you are very honest with him about your feelings. He may not have realized the last time you spoke with him how dangerously close you were to losing your love for her. It's easy to be upbeat on the phone and smooth over the harsh reality of your true feelings. Don't hold anything back next time.

It's normal to feel this way, Hope. Expose to your sons. Take some control of your life back...you will feel better.