Hello everyone. I have been lurking here since April 2007. My actual Dday is Feb 17 2007. So here I am 8 months into what I can only describe as the most horrific experience I have ever gone through. For me it has been complete with severe panic attacks, nightmares, visions, flashbacks you name it I've been through it. To make matters even worse, I have been through it totally alone. No one knows what I have been dealing with. I have no friends close enough that I could confide in. I haven't even told my family. Everyone is completely unaware of the battle I have been waging within. I love my wife dearly, and the thought of not spending the rest of my life with her and our two sons is unfathomable to me.

Our Love Story
I met my wife 12 years ago oddly enough in a bar singing karaoke. I was with some friends of mine at the time and from the moment the first note came from her mouth I was blown away. I had always been a huge music fan and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Here was this beautiful woman with the voice of an angel every bit as talented as Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston. I told my friends that I was going to marry her and proceeded to her table with drink in hand. The connection was instant. We had so many things in common almost everything from politics to religion to likes and dislikes we agreed on everything. We were perfect for each other. Her strengths were my weaknesses and vice versa. From that moment on we became totally inseparable. We both felt as if we had found our soul mate. We moved in together after 6 weeks and we were engaged 6 weeks later. We were married 6 months after that in 11/95. The music was our main bond though, it was what we fell in love over. She would sit and sing to me for hours and hours and I couldn't get enough of it. When she sang all those love songs to me I believed every word. Our need to be together cost us jobs and friends. We had to be together. I'm telling this story because it's the same story I've told everyone for 10 years when asked about my wife. She means everything to me. Our love story to me was one of the greatest I had ever heard. It was the kind of story that books, movies and songs were written about. It was such a source of pride for me. Our marriage and relationship was envied by friends and family.

We had openly discussed the topic of infidelity in our relationship and had made extra promises, aside for our wedding vows, that if we were ever really that far apart we would leave the marriage before putting the other through something that could be so incredibly painful.

8 Months leading to Dday
For our 10th wedding anniversary, as a gift to my wife, I arranged for her to record a karaoke cd to fulfill one of her dreams. It was very much a “thank you” for her support of me while I was pursuing my dream of creating a successful web business. My business had become very successful and I wanted to give her an opportunity to make her dreams come true too just as I had always promised I would. We worked on the first project together. I helped pick the songs and was with her for all of the recordings at the studio. Once this cd was finished, I helped to arrange for her to record a demo cd of original songs with professional studio musicians so she could fulfill another dream and see if she had what it took as a song writer.

Because of babysitting issues, I wasn’t able to go to the studio when she began to record these original songs. The pos om began pursing my wife the very first time I wasn’t at the studio. It started innocently enough as just flirting but developed from there. I secretly hoped that the first song that would come of these sessions would be a testament to our love story that I explained at the beginning of this post. Instead, what I got was a very sexually suggestive pop song complete with om rapping about how badly he wanted my wife. I was disappointed, but the topic of the song is very popular in today’s music style so I didn’t give it much thought. I listened to this song over and over with my wife offering my suggestions on how it could be improved. I know now that it basically describes the entire betrayal of our marriage. Unfortunately for me, I know the words to this song by heart and at times they still echo in my head.

In July 06, my business was doing very well and I had an opportunity to set our family up for the rest of our lives where neither of us would ever have to worry about money or work again. We would have the resources for my wife to quite her job and we could all be together as a family able to do whatever we wanted when we wanted to do it. Where I once had my wife’s full support in the pursuit of my dreams, she used my working so hard on the business to justify accepting pos om advances and began a PA with him even though it was me pursing my dreams that enabled her to pursue hers. I noticed the change in her almost immediately. When I confronted her with my feelings and suspicions the end of Aug 06, she totally destroyed me using my business to justify her new attitude with me. This is when I received the dreaded “ilybinilwy”. I was devastated and began to resent the business myself causing it all to fall apart. My wife’s choice to do this quite literally may have cost us $1 million dollars. Many of the websites I was competing against have made this much and more while we have been dealing with the devastation of my wife’s A. My website was better than all of them put together. I confronted my wife with my suspicions again the end of Oct 06 and I was told that pos om had told her he was in love with her, but she didn’t share the same feelings and they had worked things out to keep things a working relationship. She swore to me that I had nothing to worry about and I trusted her.

From September to January, I was very much in Plan A without even knowing what it was. I didn’t discover this site until April 07. I did everything I could to express my love for my wife. I begged her to leave the studio and get away from the pos om. I offered to help in any way I could and she flat out refused. She was in such denial that she even invited pos om into our home the night of our 11th wedding anniversary. She knew I was at the very least extremely suspicious of the nature of their relationship and she stood by and watched me suffer. I was in a horrible depression fearing of losing my family. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I nearly had a nervous breakdown every time she went to the studio. I lost 80 pounds during this time, but I went from a ½ a pack a day smoker to a 2 pack a day smoker. My nerves were absolutely shot. She held all the power because I had no proof of my suspicions. She could have choose to help me and leave the studio. It was so glaringly obvious to me just what and who her priority was. During this time, pos om conned her out of money and pain pills we both needed. I had oral surgery and my wife had a breast reduction. It was so apparent what a pos loser he was and I could understand why me wife didn’t see it. She was in complete and total denial.

Then, for whatever reason, guilt, withdrawal, not having to protect him from me since he left the studio, or truly wanting to fix our marriage she confessed her A to me on February 17th 2007.


Dday through our attempts at recovery
She confessed that the feelings he had revealed to her were mutual and that they had been physical. She told me that they had realized that what they were doing was wrong and had mutually agreed to end the A in 8/06. I was in absolute shock. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. In that moment, everything changed. All the events that had taken place in the 8 months prior to this time took on a whole new meaning and became extremely painful. All the lies and manipulations all so she could have her way. Letting me blame myself for all the problems we were going through. It hit me like a sledgehammer. I was absolutely heartbroken. I knew in this moment that there was no going back and things would never be the same again.

The first 6 weeks of recovery was absolutely awful. My wife broke NC twice. Once 2 days after confessing and again the end of March 07. I know now from reading everything I can about A's that it is all fog speak but the damage it has done to me has been tremendous. I was still very much in Plan A at this time trying to focus on how much I loved my wife to protect my feelings for her from the anger and outrage I was also feeling. She spent much of this time defending this pos om. Acting like he was the noble one for pushing her away and giving her up instead of continuing the A. I heard all kinds of horrible things like how there was so much chemistry and attraction between them that they fought it as long as they could and that they couldn't stop it from happening. That there had never been any passion or chemistry in our marriage like she had experienced with the om. That she had been unhappy with our marriage for years and had never really felt passionate about our SF. You name it I've heard it.

This went on until the end of March and the pos om still hadn't finished the cd and mailed it to my wife yet. We sat down and she composed an email that hinted at the fact of how angry I was getting and that she really needed to get the cd soon. When he replied I couldn't believe the nerve of this guy. The email went on and on about his love for her, how perfect they were for each other and he hinted at just how physical their relationship had been. It was such an obviously attempt to get my wife to stall me from exposing what a low life pos he really is to his wife and give him enough time to work on the cd he probably hadn't touched since he was forced out of the studio.

This one stupid email changed the whole path of our recovery process. First, it through my wife into a complete tailspin. She became very distant and began to question our marriage all over again. I began to question just how physical their relationship had been. Until this time, I didn't want to know the details. I was happy to bury my head in the sand and pretend that maybe they had kissed a few times and that was as far as things had gone. When I finally confronted her I has horrified at what I found out. It had gone as far as mutual sex acts right there in the studio! But wait a minute, you swore there wasn't any SF. You know the whole semantics argument that went from there. It's still SEX! If not even more intimate than the actual act! They had even planned a night together the same day we were having our son’s 2nd birthday party.

While we waited for the final copy, I decided to begin discussing what we would do with it once it arrived. Obviously, there was no way I could deal with the sex song detailing the betrayal of our marriage. How could anyone? I requested that the song not be put on any of the cd's that were handed out. She hesitated at first and was very irritated that I even requested this but agreed to leave it off except for a few of her personal friend's copies. They had already heard the song anyways so I relented. For the next 2 weeks, I had to hear how I was stifling her creativity as a music artist. That the song came from a place of real emotion and that is what made it such a great song. She was just in complete denial of what an insult this song was to what we were trying to accomplish.

Once we had the final cd, this created a whole new layer of problems for us. All of a sudden, she needed me again. I was supposed to be the tech guy in charge of making the copies of her cd, building the website and promoting her music online. Now, because of what the music had been tied to it became this terrible thing that kept me in a position where I was constantly reminded of what had taken place. From May to August, I was guilted and forced to do everything that would have once been so easy. It should have been such a terrific time for us. This wasn’t just my wife’s dream. It was our dream. I wanted this for her so bad. It is why I had made the effort to make music part of her life again. I thought it would bring her happiness. Where her life would no longer consist of just work and kids, but she would be trying to reach her own personal goals too. I was guilted into make the copies of the cd including ones that had the despicable sex song that detailed the betrayal of our marriage for her personal friends. If it that wasn’t enough, during this time I was ridiculed, belittled and insulted so many times for the emotions and feelings I had that were caused as a direct result of having my #1 trigger thrown in my face. I had to watch my wife hand out copies of this cd and be so enthusiastic about it. It put me in such a horrible position having to fake being proud of it when on the inside it represented the total destruction of everything that was important to me. On one occasion, a mutual friend of ours that has no idea what the song is really about, even teased me a little thinking the sex song was about me rather than my wife’s om. You can’t imagine how uncomfortable that was. It reached a point where I was so upset that I actually asked my wife point blank if her priority was saving our marriage or her music. Her response was her music.

I suppose this is a good time to explain one of my wife’s other weakness. She has a very serious problem with anger issues. She can be one of the sweetest most caring compassionate person you would ever meet, but the other side of that is when she is angry she can be condescending, cold, insulting and just flat out mean. And once she is angry there is nothing anyone can say to talk her down. For the most part, I was fortunate enough to not have this anger directed at me, but when it was I was able to blow it off pretty easily and realize that it stemmed from her childhood. I’ve watched her parents do this to each other for years. Sometimes, by the horrible things they say to each other, you would swear they hate one another. You can imagine the problems this issue has caused with the stuff we have dealing with. She has said some of the most horrible things to me out of anger, guilt and resentment since we have been dealing with her A.

We reached all the main trigger anniversaries for me, my birthday, our son’s birthday and our 12th year wedding anniversary and each of these events went absolutely terrible. I had expressed fear of each of these dates to my wife and told her that I really needed to feel close to her on these days. On each one, she invalidated my emotions and feelings unwilling to accept that they were a direct result of the choices she had made.

After our wedding anniversary had gone so horribly, I had taken enough. If I wasn’t going to get the support I needed to heal from my wife’s A from her I was going to get it somewhere else. I had given up all hope. We managed to keep the peace for a few more weeks, mainly because I had to start a new job and we were distracted. It was exactly one month later on Dec 4th that another argument erupted over something completely stupid. It was all I could take and I told my wife I wanted a divorce.

That is what brings me here. That night she posted here for the first time. You can find her side of the story here:
In recovery 9 months/still struggling

Continued here:
In recovery 9 months/still struggling

I’m sorry this has been so long, but for the time being at least, MB will be our only source at working through the issues we face. I thought it would be necessary for us to get the best advice possible if everyone knew the entire story. We simply cannot afford MC at this point.

First, I would like to personally thank sadpunk, ace_in_bucket, starfish, and resilient. Your thoughtful responses to my wife’s questions quit literally saved our marriage. Also, I would also like to thank and mr & mrs wondering for encouraging my wife to post here. It has given her a new cause and purpose to try and help others deal with their situations. The change in her over the past week has been tremendous to say the least. She really is an amazing woman. Thank you!

I hope my story can be an inspiration to others in this situation. There is always hope with time and a commitment to the process to save your marriage.

(Ok. I edited it down quite a bit. I still have a word document copy of it if any of you ever need something to help you fall asleep!)

Issues I'm dealing with…

First, let me say that I do love my wife dearly. I have believed from the very beginning that the A was just a horrible mistake my wife made. I know that she didn't go looking for this. That the other man pursued her very aggressively and that is why it even happened. I don't think she would ever have done this had he not pushed for it to happen so hard. Then there are all the other circumstances that allowed it to take place. At first, there were 2 other people working at the studio when she started recording the demo cd. Once they quit, It left my wife working alone in very close quarters with the pos om. Plus there was the musical aspect of this. She was totally elated to be back into music. This was something she had wanted to do her entire life. The pos om saw an opportunity to take advantage of my wife and that is exactly what he did. He confessed some grand love for her even though he was getting married 4 months later. He is the one that made the first physical move. Then there is the whole adulation part of it. He was someone in the music business telling her how fantastic she was. He presented himself as some great producer of music who knew all these people that could get her music heard. He held such a position of power over her dreams not unlike the position a Professor holds over a student. He put her in an absolutely horrible position. She had to choose between confessing what was going on knowing that I would force her to give up the music and the studio or give into all the crap he was saying. Unfortunately, I think she evaluated her happiness over being back into music to being as much about having him in her life. I wish she would have trusted me instead of this pos om. As painful as it is, I have made my peace with the whys and hows of my wife’s A.

Should I expose the A to OMW?
At this point, there really isn’t any question for me that she wouldn’t contact him again. Now that the fog is completely gone she has come to despise him almost as much as me. I’m having the biggest problem letting this miserable excuse for a human being get away “scott free”. The lines he used on my wife. Like telling her “your husband would forgive you”. Plus there is the fact that this pos used me wife’s musical dreams to control her to do what he wanted. It was so clear to me what was going on. He was all about this until the second there was a chance that this could affect his life. Then he cut my wife off. His wife had received a large phone bill and instantly his whole attitude changed. That is when he began using my wife’s feelings against her. Conning her into giving him money and pain pills she needed. There were so many nights I had to sit and watch my suffer in horrible pain recovering from her surgery out of pain pills because he had conned her out of them. All the while not working on the cd so she could save our marriage. To say I hate this man would be an understatement. He truly is an absolute scumbag with the morals of an alley cat. I so want to put this miserable pos through the agony of fearing for losing his family and see how he likes it. He would lose everything. His wife owns the home they live in because it was willed to her from her grandmother. He has no other family so he would lose everything. My biggest concern is that he does know where we live and he is just stupid enough to come here and confront me. I fear that the anger and hatred I feel for this pos would cause me to do a terrible thing. I don’t know if I could stop myself from beating his head in. He has no idea what I’m capable of when I’m angry and the fact that I have never been this angry at someone in my entire life really scares me. So what do you guys think. Would it just be revenge or does the omw have the right to know what a miserable pos she’s married to.

The music, triggers and other stuff
Boy this is a tough subject. I’ve read on MB how you should get rid of all mementos and reminders from the A. What do you do when they are so important to your spouse? I can separate myself enough to say that the demo cd is very good. I am very proud of all the work my wife did. Unfortunately, I just can’t seem to get over what it represents to me. Talk of the band and the cd is still 8 months later my #1 trigger. On occasion it still triggers panic attacks for me. I’ve tried forcing myself to listen to it and make it my own but it just hasn’t helped. Anyone have any advice on how I should deal with this?

I have told my wife that if I honestly thought I couldn’t deal with her musical aspirations again that I would let her go. It wouldn’t be right of me to deny her dreams and in the end she would just end up resenting me anyways. For now though, it is kind of a moot point because of the financial damage my wife’s A has caused. We just simply can’t afford for her to put any money into forming a band anyways. I think that is why it is such a hot button issue for me. Any thoughts from the peanut gallery?

Dealing with resentment and consequences
Now to the heart of the issue. As I said before, I have made my peace with the whys and hows of my wife’s A. I truly believe that we were both just victims of horrible circumstances. She never would have done this had she not been pushed by such a miserable pos, but even in knowing that it doesn’t make it any less painful and the damage that has been done to our life has been tremendous.

Before all this started, I had been a stay at home dad for exactly 1 year working on my business and finally getting to be with my family. My wife worked a full time job to provide us with health insurance. It really was the perfect situation. Yes I was working a lot, but my office L-shapes with our living room so I was always there to lend a hand when needed. We had everything. In that year I had built my business up to a point where I was making $25,000 per month. At the time the A happened, I was actually working on an idea that would have catapulted my site light years ahead of the competition. To give you an idea of how large a project this was the website when finished would have contained over 6 million pages of content. My nearest competition had less than 100,000 pages. Over the past year some of the other sites I was competing against have made well over 1 million dollars. Now I don’t want you to get the wrong idea here either. It has always been portrayed that it was all about the money for me, but that just wasn’t the case. I still drive a 6 year old used car and half my wardrobe is from when I was 100 pounds heavier than I am now. The truth is it was more about the security it would have provided for our family. I desperately wanted my wife to be able to quit her job too so we could work on the business together and have the freedom to do whatever we wanted when we wanted to do it. No more rat race for either of us. I hate this lifestyle and so does my wife.

All I have worked for has been completely destroyed because of my wife’s A. Mostly because my wife used my business to justify the choices she had made. Even though half the reason I was working so hard on the business was so she could leave her job to help me and pursue her musical aspirations at the same time. It would have been the perfect vehicle to promote her music. My once thriving web business is down to making $1500 per month(ouch!). I have had to go back to work at another crappy corporate computer job working 2nd shift. I go to work at 3pm and get home around 1am. I sleep from 2am until 7am then I get my son up for school so I can have a little time with him before he leaves. Even with me back to work we are still about $1500 short of making our monthly bills. The financial crisis that looms ahead of us is just around the corner. Which has always been one of my greatest fears, not being able to provide for my family. This has greatly affected my oldest son because where I had been home for 2 ½ years now I’m lucky to see him for 45 minutes a day. He’s trying to be a real trooper but I can tell that it is starting to affect him. Oh I love that boy so much. I hate having to be away from him! In ironic twist of fate, the last highway sign I see before my exit is a sign that points to my wife’s om’s city just to remind me why I’m there(I know external trigger).

Luckily, because of my wife’s realization the other day. At least the burden of leading our recovery with her kicking and screaming the entire way has been lifted from me. Already it has made such a difference for me(thank you so much wifey bear!). It has been such a long 16 months to get here. I’m totally physically and emotionally drained.


So anyone have any advice on how I should deal with all this?

Now I am sure some people from my posts yesterday can see what a complete jerk I was to my loving H. He told me last night that he has told his sister last week (the day he told me he wanted a divorce) so that he could be prepared. This was hard for me b/c we have always had a strained relationship (since living next to his parents, b/c she lived with them for a while and was one of the main offenders of just walking into our home, among other things). Now I feel like it will forever be tainted like so many other things in our lives. The only thing I can focus on now, though, is the fact that our kids never witnessed any of the ugly moments. They still have no idea that anything was wrong.

The other thing I wish, was that my H would have really done Plan A since he was reading on this site, and posted to you people for support, b/c you have proven how helpful you can be. I really think the reason my H brought things up over and over again and the reason things got soooo bad when I was in my fog, is b/c he had noone to talk to about it (not to mention me being a jerk). I cannot even imagine how horrible that must have been for him. I was always his best friend, so I was the only one he had to talk to about it, and these conversations would go on for hours and hours with me begging him to quit b4 things got ugly, etc, but he just couldn't. He had to talk about it...unfortunately I was the WRONG person (such an understatement, ya know) for him to talk to.

I hope none of you hate me too much after reading his post. I know it is long, but please take the time to at least skim it and get the gist and help him/us. It makes me physically ill to read it, being that things are still so fresh in our heads.

You're kiddin', right.

WOW....I've read a bit but will come back to it tonight.

Thank you for sharing and I look forward to be of assistance.


Mr. Wondering

OK, baby, I am bumping you back to the top. As much as I hate for people to see what a jerk I was, you have asked for these people's help!

C'mon guys, I know it's a long one, just skim it if you have to, but it really only takes about 10 minutes to read the whole thing. He has come to you for help! He has noone else to turn to for answers to his questions!

Should he bust the OM? I say yes. He is afraid of the backlash, and frankly so am I. I am here by myself all night and if he may decide to retaliate after he loses everything (his wife supports him $$ almost completely). He knows some really bad people, but I still say if will make him feel better-go for it! She desrves to know that when he walked down the aisle with her, he was claiming to be in love with me. The fact that he continued to hide and not finish my CD even after he knew that H knew about what had happened and was ready to come after him, he drug it out for months! And we won't even get into the letter in April which didn't just put me back on first base- it send me back to the damn DUGOUT! I know my blame here, but he deserves it.

Once again-PLEASE HELP! That's what we're all here for...

Want2Stay & Still_Singing...

I just saw this...I've got to help our dd with her homework right now, but I will come back and read and offer anything that I can...Just wanted you to know that you guys aren't being ignored...It's been sort of a busy day for both Dubyas! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

I'm sorry want2stay...

I tried to read your story earlier today and I never made it past the first paragraph.

I was instantly transported back to D-day.

But best of luck to both of you!!

My Mr. Gray made a small overture yesterday and it was wonderful but today he's just messin' with my head again!

Take care!

Charlotte

bumping up for Want2Stay.

Could all of you wonderful advisors and vets stop grousing on those other threads and help this guy here? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Long thread but pertininent info.

Hang in there W2S, you are WORTHY <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My FWH is a musician, I understand about all the triggers with songs, etc. I can sympathize. There are still songs I cannot listen to. I threw away a bunch of stuff, but my H shared all the music that was precious to me and were "ours" with his ow. I, after 7 years, have just begun to be able to even hear some of that stuff. His ow even shared 'our' song, actually quoted it in one of her many letters to my H.

If it were me I would toss that CD where the sun doesn't shine. Due to your W's indescretion it should not be allowed in the house, or to be used for any promotional purposes in the future. This would just be too much to ask. Just my humble opinion. I think that might be a STARTING place for your recovery.

Exposure to OM's wife should definitely happen.

Hope other people chime in here.

By the way, your W wasn't any different than any other WS. I am very surprised that you allowed this for so long with the knowledge you had. It has drained your lovebank to almost empty for sure.

God bless, hopefully more help will come soon.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

want2stay, would it be possible to cut this back to about 3-4 paragraphs that includes only essential information? Folks really want to help you but this is just too much superfluous information. WAY TOO MUCH information. Would you kindly take one paragraph and give a thumbnail sketch of the basic facts, another paragraph for the current situation and then a conclusion that contains your questions, concerns?

If you would be willing to do that, then I bet folks would be more than willing to try and help you. Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I haven't got enough information to form an opinion
Would you mind elaborating?

OK that was a little mean and I really would love to help you but PLEASE most of the post is not important and it is impossible to sift through for the important facts.

What Mel said.

That WAS mean, but it was still funny and I'm sure he will giggle, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He said when he gets home tonight, he will edit. I think it just all needed to come out, as it has been bottled up for so long, ya know!

Thanks for your input, and he'll get it down to the nitty gritty for ya!

Thanks LALA! We need some help here!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi W2S & S_S!

Glad that you are both here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'll try to address some of what you've posted...


Let me start by saying to S_S that I'm NOT bashing you... W2S, S_S might not have gone looking for this, but SHE accepted the advances of the OM. She is JUST as responsible for the A. Our MC set me straight in one of our first sessions when I tried to put all of the "blame" on the OM... He said that Mrs. RIF still made the choice to have the A...

The point here is that S_S will have to recognize her part in the A, and find out why she was able to abandon what she knew was 'right' and accept the OM's advances... Once she can do this, then you guys can both find ways to protect your M and keep this from happening again.


Yes... HIS Wife deserves to know they type of man that she's married to. This will also help ensure 100% No Contact. You're not doing this to punish the OM. You're doing it to PROTECT YOUR M, and to give the OM's W a chance to rebuild her M.


Why don't you talk with S_S and see if it would be OK to lock up all of the CDs and stuff related to the A... put it away for now, but don't throw it away... As you continue rebuilding, you will eventually be able to listen to the music again.


Anger is a natural reaction. Journaling helped me deal with my anger. By releasing the anger, you deal with resentment. It's really OK and healthy for you to get angry. The key to rebuilding your M is to deal with your anger in a healthy way. This means that YOU don't lash out at S_S... you protect her and continue to love her. Write down your feelings then go to the batting cage and pound some soft balls... go for a long run... do something physical to burn off your anger...

W2S - Be patient and loving with S_S. Learn to work THROUGH your anger in a safe, healthy way. Don't let your anger build up... keep talking with us and with S_S.

S_S - Thank you for posting here! From what I've seen around here, when the BS & WS BOTH post here and are actively working on rebuilding the M, then you guys will have a much easier time. It will take both of you to rebuild. Be as open and transparant as you can with W2S... focus on finding out the "WHY" of your A. Get the Harley's books and read them... you might also want to get Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and go through that with W2S...

Semper Fi,

RIF

He should just post a new one to this thread with a short summary other than deleting his first post. We may need more detail later and I'd hate to ask for it.

I'm glad you have a sense of humour!

Still_Singing....

First, I want to thank you for being here and helping your betrayed husband. It goes a long way towards recovery.

I too haven't read the whole post but I'd like to respond to the question of busting the OM.

I agree with everyone here that the OM's wife definitely needs to know about the affair. The OM is manipulating her life with deceit each and every day she doesn't know the truth.

I am asking something of you S_S....

Affairs cause a HUGE amount of damage to the betrayed spouse. Affairs are so UNFAIR to the BS, especially if the BS has to lead the recovery when the WS "seems" to be on board. It seems to me that you want to recover your marriage. In my opinion, you can help heal some of the damage you caused by not making your husband clean up this particular mess by himself. I,jmo, personally think it would be a loving act if YOU made the call to the OW's wife so that your husband doesn't have to.

It would relieve some of the burden from your husband, and you would be taking responsibilty for your actions. And, you can tell the OW you're sorry. She probably won't care right now that you're sorry and may even yell at you. But, that will be ONE of the consequences of your actions.

Now if any of the MB vets thinks this is a bad idea, please let me know.

S_S.....


You and the OM were equally responsible for destroying the OM's wife AND your H.

mopey, you have the right overall idea, but SS should not be the one to make that call. Normally that is how it should be done since she caused the harm. But Dr. Harley always recommends that the BS do it so there is NEVER contact between the WS and the OM or his family. It is for that reason that he tells the BS to do it.

I wanted to address a couple things here that I think are very important.

I have told him from the very beginning (and I mean months ago) that it was MY FAULT. He has been just seething about him (understandably of course), called him every name in the book, said he took advantage of me, etc. I am such a strong person (usually) and no matter how much he "came on" to me, no matter what he made himself out to be concerning the music, I STILL MADE THE CHOICE TO LET IT HAPPEN. The problem is, he doesn't want to see it. He says he knows my blame, but it's really all OM's fault for holding my music over my head, for making himself out to be something he wasn't, and so I "fell for it." He just too hurt, and too scared, I think to put that blame on me, because he thinks it will destroy our relationship. I recognized this months ago, and every time I tried to set him straight as best I could, he would say I was defending the OM. So, I just shut up about it. Hopefully you will be able to get throught to him on this point, b/c I never could. Even if it makes him angrier with me for a while, I can take it. I mean, look who I'm married to...I can take anything with him by my side!

Secondly, I actually have already offered to call her. OM (believe it or not) brought her into the studio even after she found the phone bill so I could meet her and their son (well her son from previous marriage). How weird is that! So, I know when to call when she is there and not him, and I would do so with DH right next to me. It is up to him. I'll do it however he is comfortable.

When did you last contact OM in any way?

Blaming the oher person is very much a defence mechanism in the months after d-day. That does change however.

See otherwise your anger gets unleashed on your spouse. Far better to blame OM.

But in the long run, he will realise that OM never made any promises to you.

You broke your vows to Him and he will eventually hold you liable for that. In fact responsibility for an affair is 100% on both you and OM but your crime is greater because you broke your vows to your husband.