Personally, I don't think your fear trumps OMW's right to know the truth about her life...Your choices have landed you here and I think you have to move forward with HONESTY as that is the solution to infidelity...I believe that most OM's are COWARDS of the worst kind, and OM saying what he said was merely an empty threat...Are there possible ramifications to telling? Maybe, but DUH, these are part of the consequences of having an affair...AFFAIRS BEGET UNPLEASANT RAMIFICATIONS...Expose and get a restraining order in place...

S_S, OMW is YOUR victim...I think not telling will stall and hinder your recovery...It is not my decision to make, but if it were, I have no doubt what decision I would make...I would tell OMW, it IS the right thing to do...

Mrs. W

Its very unlikely that he will do anything. Even more unlikely that any of his friends will get involved in hurting someone on his behalf for something like this. They're more likely to laugh at him and tell him it serves him right. If you're very concerned, get a gun and take up target practice as a recreational activity together.

just FYI-I have moved this discussion to my thread to avoid interfering with his/thanks

Well, I read your whole first post, and it was really beautiful. At least the part that explained how much you used to love each other.

It's sad that you were betrayed when all you wanted to do was give something special to your wife.

I didn't read too many of her posts because she is still very foggy.

For one thing, I think you should insist that she not pursue her musical interests. She has proven that she cannot handle working that closely with other men. And she is STILL wanting you to "get over" your pain, or at least the worst of it, so she can start in again. It kind of gave me the chills. She doesn't seem to get it.

But she has some great people posting to her, so hopefully that will help.

Hang in there.

OM in my sitch is an ex european karate champion, and the sport he inhabits is full of violence, extortion and criminality.

I exposed, He threatened. I laughed. He shovelled what was left of his life into a sack as the consequences of his choices revisited him.

Actually, his humbling led his GF to want to rebuild THEIR relationship. It did THEM a favour.

BobPure,

I was aware of your circumstances. I have read pretty much your entire story and I have found much of your insight to be very helpful. I would like to intiate some more discussion on my exposure, but for now I have to take a nap for work tonight. Thanks for your input!

p.s. I edited down my first post quit a bit. Thanks to all that took the time to read the original.

Hi Everyone!

I had promised to put together a guide for bs's to block ws's from using websites to break NC. I finally have it put together and I was wondering what everyone thinks. It is my gift to the community for all the wonderful help my wife and I have been given. Thanks for taking the time to care!

Blocking Websites With The Hosts File

Sincerely,
Want2Stay

p.s. I'm going to add a link to this in the "Spying 101" thread should any of you need to refer other BS's to it for help.

Very Cool W2S!!! You Rock!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Great work W2S.

Besides myspace and the like I think that there are likely many wives that would be interested in doing to this to specific websites there husband may have been frequenting. Like porn sites they are or were (before they got busted) members of.

Perhaps you should add a line about deniability. This stuff works better when the BS can feign innocence. If questioned the BS should just innocently blame shift the "problem" to the WS.

"Oh, dear...you must have gotten yourself banned. What did you do?".

Getting banned explains why they can get on the site from anywhere other than their own home IP address/PC.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Can this be used to block specific profiles within Myspace while still allowing access to myspace in general??? Then the excuse is the OP, for example, must have set their account to private or something whereas explaining inability to access the whole enchilada is more difficut. I imagine your directions can accomplish that if you just type in the exact page...what say you???

Mr W,

Good questions. I suppose I should say Myspace is kind of my area of expertise. The web business I eluded to focused soley on the Myspace community. The site I mentioned is one of the Layout sites for customizing a Myspace profile. I think blocking a specific profile would work, but it wouldn't eliminate the possibility to contact the OP through Myspace's email system. In order to block this, you would have to block the entire site.

I'm also researching the possibility of serving a specific page rather than an error page. That way we could set up a page that doesn't deny responsibility, but encourages the WS to see the pain their behavior is causing(would this be a LB?).

What to you think?

t/j to LMAO at MrW!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> MrsW never hadda chance!! LOL

Mr. W is an EVIL GENIUS in many ways! Dang sneaky lawyers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

I thought I had read somewhere here that Mr W is a lawyer.

Time for the lawyer jokes......
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Yup and I'm blonde...The joke possibilities are ENDLESS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Hi Everyone!

Just wanted to give you guys an update on how I’m doing. So it’s been exactly 2 weeks since my DW first posted on this board. Sorry I haven’t been posting more, but with me working 2nd shift I’m not able to when the board seems to be the most active. Plus, I really haven’t felt the need to. I feel like I’m finally getting what I needed all along to recover my marriage.

Since I had been reading here everyday since April and anything else I could find about A’s I really had made my peace with what happened. Being a logical person, I learned how easily anyone can fall into this trap without even realizing it is happening. Then, once it does happen, it can take on a snowball effect that gets out of control. Even people who have been through this themselves can accidentally put themselves in this position as seen in Believers – Foggy Thread.

I have always been willing to give my DW my forgiveness. All I needed was for her to see the things that she was doing that were keeping me from making the transition. We were stuck in such a vicious cycle. Where she thought she “got it” and saw the emotions and feelings I was having as just a way of me punishing her for what happened. She was completely unaware of the things she was doing that where contributing to my emotional state.

One of the biggest problems we faced was the silence. What happened had destroyed both our dreams, things that were once the core of our relationship. I no longer felt comfortable talking about the business and she couldn’t talk about the music. Those topics were such a starting point for conversations between us. Where we would start out talking about one or the other and the conversation would flow into something entirely different. Now, since she has started reading and posting here, we have something totally different to connect over. Reading here and the advice all of you have given her has completely changed her prospective on what I have been going through. Plus, it has given me an opportunity to bring up topics that bothered me without having to fear the reaction I would receive. She understands now that anyone in my position would feel the way I do and that has made all the difference in the world.

I want you all to realize how much she has truly agonized over the choices she made. This was so out of character for her. If you had told her she was capable of doing this to me and our family 3 months before it happened she would have swore you were completely nuts. Even now, she has a very hard time accepting what she did. I think that is the main reason she just wanted to block it out, pretend it never happened and never discuss it again. The problem was that she really had rekindled her passion for music and the anger(sorry guys I should have warned you all how feisty she can be) she felt at herself for messing things up started to be directed at me. I could feel the resentment she had for the way I felt about the cd/band stuff. She just wasn’t able to understand that the feelings I had weren’t something that I was able to control. Thanks to all the unbiased advice she received from all of you, everything has changed.

The changes in her over the past 2 weeks have been so profound. Look at how angry her first post was…

In recovery 9 months/still struggling

Now, look at some of the things she has posted, since learning from all of you.





Amazing isn’t? Is it any wonder I haven’t felt the need to post much any more. I finally have my wife back. The truly compationate caring woman I fell in love with so long ago that wanted nothing more than to make me happy. The weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders thanks in great part to all of you. I no longer feel as if I’m the only one trying to recover our marriage. Now, we are both working on it together. It’s the way it should have always been because working together is what got us through the first 10 years of our marriage. I can’t tell you how much better I feel. Before all this happened, I was the most laid back happy person you would ever meet. I loved my life and I looked forward to each new day. I hated the person this had turned me into. Now thanks to my DW’s changes, I’m finally starting to feel like my old self again. The constant obsessive thoughts rehashing everything in the back of my head are nearly gone. I noticed the other day that I was actually happy. It had been such a long time since I felt that way. Just having my wife take a greater role in the recovery process has greatly reduced the resentment I felt for what happened. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

Now, when my DW gets down on herself for what happened, I tell her its not the mistakes you make in your life that define who you are. It’s how you deal with those mistakes that defines who you are……


As for our recovery plan, we going to sit down and fill out the EN questionnaire and I have ordered SAA and HNHN for us both to read and discuss. What else should we be doing to help in the recovery process?

Want2Stay

Hi W2S...

Glad to hear things are lookin' up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Other things in the recovery process, hmmm, let's see...

*get ready for exposure to OMW after Christmas...

*a formal NC letter written by LaLa, read, approved and sent by you (there is an example of one in SAA, which you have coming to you)

*I would HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend you guys begin saving for one of the MB Weekend Seminars..

*Spend at least 15 hours/week of couple time that include these four things: 1) Recreational Companionship 2) Intimate Conversation 3) Affection 4) Sexual Fulfillment

*Spend at least 15 hours/week of family time

*Get LaLa to a doctor for full evaluation for new meds.

*Realize there will still be some "bad" days...approach this as a TEAM no matter what...both making the commitment that no one is gonna say "that's it, we're done"-when you take that off the table there is a lot more security in the relationship...neither one of you will be perfect in implementing the MB principles into your marriage-recognize the likelihood of "stumbling" up front and vow to get back up and try again anytime that you do...When you look at your spouse and KNOW "this is IT"...For better or for worse, no matter what this IS who I chose to go through life with and I'm committed to it FOREVER, failure is NOT an option...well, somehow that just makes this more "doable"...Hope that makes sense...:)

That's it for now...if I think of more I'll post...

Mrs. W

W2S,

Your post moved me to tears. You and LaLa have a second chance. And this time you have tools to know how to be happily married for life.

One last thing.

NO CONTACT FOR LIFE is required of LaLa. Any contact, direct or indirect, takes things back to square one. A place you never want to revisit.

God Bless you and LaLa. You're both amazing people.

Jo

You two are getting in the habit of making me cry too!!!
Your story gives hope that I can someday be where you are at now.

Resilient,
Thanks for the kind words resilient. I know you having personal experience with musicians really struck a chord(sorry couldn’t resist) with my wife. Thank You!

TMTS,
Hang in there buddy. Keep working the plan. We’re always here if you need someone to talk to.

Want2Stay

If you can't do the MB weekend - consider the home study audio course. It's excellent.