Mrs. W & BK

Thanks for the advice. We really can't afford the MB weekend right now, but I'll look into the home study course after we finish reading the books. You two have been such a great help to my DW.

Mrs. W,
This forum has really given us a way to reconnect with each other. We've kind of fallen into the same thing as you and Mr. W where we find ourselves spending recreational time on the forum trying to help others where we can and learning how we can recover our marriage at the same time. Thanks again!

Want2Stay

Hi all!

Just wanted to give everyone an update on how we are progressing in our recovery.

Well it’s been just over a month since my DW began posting here. I had really reached a point where I was ready to leave the M if things didn’t change. We were both struggling to figure out what was holding us back and why we seemed to be spinning our wheels trying to move our recovery to the next stage. Since my DW’s confession, she really had tried to do all I asked of her including transparency, partially shelving the music, and ending a toxic friendship that helped to enable the A. I think the main thing that was holding us back was that all of these things were done begrudgingly. In my DW’s heart, she knew all these things had to happen in order for us to recover but to avoid the guilt she felt for all this happening she couldn’t seem to let go of the entitlement of the A. I had been telling her for months just how textbook everything we were experiencing was but it really is a hard concept to grasp without reading it first hand. Everything from how a BS feels to the script of justifications a wayward uses to ease their guilt. It is truly uncanny how similar all our stories are. Once my DW began posting here on that first night everything changed. She learned from all of you and by reading stories of other BS’s just how normal everything we were experiencing is. I have watched her completely contradict everything she has said to me over the past 8 months. It really is like for all that time my DW was possessed by an alien and now the woman I fell in love with so long ago is back. I can’t remember who it was, but one of the VET’s here even made a comment about how impressed they were with my DW’s progress in such a short time. I think that is mainly because she was teetering on the edge all along since she confessed to me. It wasn’t unitl the reality of the possibility of losing our family was she able to change her perspective on what had happended and how she truly felt in her heart. I am so proud to be her husband. It must have been so humbling to come here as a WS and seek advice from people that by nature have a take no crap attitude towards foggy behavior. What courage that must have taken.

I wish there were some way we could get WS’s to read these forums without it being a LB. There are 2 cases specifically, TooMuchTooSoon in GQII and Jet2112 in Recovery that could be helped so much just by getting their WS’s to read these forums with an open mind. I hold a special interest to Jet2112’s story because it is all so similar to ours. All the way down to the enabling toxic freindship. It was actually a post in his thread that I had my wife read back in August that was a catalyst for my DW ending her toxic friendship.

Anyways, that’s were things stand in our personal recovery. In some ways, I think our relationship is stronger than it has ever been. I wish all this stuff didn’t happen to get us here but what you gonna do. Hakuna mutada.


Dealing with the triggers and consequenses
I want to thank everyone who took part in the discussion we had in LaLa’s thread last night about exposing to OM’s W. We both found everyones input to be very beneficial. We both feel the OM’s W has every right to be told about what took place so she can make her own decision about her M. It has never really been question for us if she deserved to know. Our only concern was wether or not it would be worth putting our family at risk against possible retaliation to do so.

As many of you know, the A has completely devastated us financially. As things stand right now, I’m bringing in enough money to pay our main living expenses, but there isn’t enough money to pay on some of the revolving debt we have incurred. We have a plan on how we are going to dig out from this mess, but it is just going to take a long time. With my current working schedule it is pratically impossible for LaLa to get a job right now with the babysitting issues this would cause. So for now the plan is for us to work on the business together and at the same time I’m going to look for a job on first shift even if it is at less money than I’m making now so that way LaLa would also be able to work first shift. It’s going to take time, but now that we are working on things together I’m sure we will get there.

I think triggers are the worst part of dealing with an A that a BS goes through. I plan to start a thread soon with all I have learned about coping with triggers. It wasn’t until infidelity touched our lives that I realized just how pervasive it is in our society. They are everywhere from TV to movies and music. The truly sad part is that in most cases infidelity has become so acceptable that it is no longer even represented in a negative fashion.

Idea for a new support website
Obviously I would run this idea past the Harley’s before moving forward. As many of you know I’m a webmaster by trade. I’m thinking of putting up a new support site that could contain all sorts of tech guides and tools for spyinging and enforcing NC. I’ve already found a keylogger that is half as expensive as the one being recommended on MB. Some other ideas I have for content would be a database of private investigators and Harley approved marriage counselors. Also, I could include links to purchase voice recorders and GPS systems. If any of you have any other suggestions for site content I would greatly appreciate hearing them.

Also, I noticed the other day that MB isn’t even in the top 10 in Google for the term “marriage counseling”. So once I have my own business put back in order I’m planning to offer the Harley’s my services on how the site could be improved and help get it the recognition it deserves.

Well I gotta get working on my own sites. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to help me and my DW along in our recovery. You’ll never no how truly greatfull I am to be a part of such a wonderful community.


Any thoughts you guys have would be greatly appreciated!


Want2Stay

W2S,

Thanks for the nudge. I hope and pray that I could one day get her to join the forum and read about how we could recover. As many have told me (Including Dr. Harley), there is a very good chance that I will get another crack at my M. If you guys think I need 2x4's now wait until I get into recovery?

I am so happy for you and Lala, you are and inspiration. I know I sound negative and hopeless about my situation most of the time, but I look at your experience and tell myself that this could happen to me.

Hey all,

I need to bring up something that has been briefly mentioned by my DW in our recovery, but she is having a horrible time right now and could really use some outside support. In the middle of all the stupid A junk my DW had a breast reduction on Nov 1 06. It was something we had planned together and she had been waiting to have it done for 2 years. It was supposed to be a life changing event. One that would end her back problems and alieviate her constant headaches from all the tension in her shoulders. What has happened is far from that.

In a normal breast operation either reduction or augmentation the expected recovery time is 10-14 days. She required a second operation 3 weeks after her first one to eliminate an infection that had developed. So here we are now 14 months post op and she is still in constant pain. The pain is so bad she is still unable to wear a bra for more than a couple of hours at a time. The simple act of hugging our children let alone even me is almost unbearable for her. We live in Ohio and malpractice insurance is outrageous for physicians. We've had 2 second opinions and they seem to just cover each other a$$'s refusing to acknowledge the obvious excrutiating pain my wife is in. Boy would I love to get my hands on the first surgeon that has damaged her so greatly. I do all I can to take care of her but on days like today when the pain is just to great there is nothing I can do. I feel completely hopeless. I would give anything to take this pain from my wife. I mean anything. I kills me to see her suffer like this. Anyways, I wanted to appeal to all of you if you could drop by her thread and offer your thoughts support and prayers maybe it would help distract her from what she is dealing with at least for tonight. Thanks to all.....

My DW's Thread


Want2Stay

W2S, was the operation bungled, or is she dealing with infection or scar tissue, lack of healing, or is it pain from the nerves that were cut?

I had a family member who had a breast operation with complications and if there were any commonalities I would be glad to pick her brain and pass on any pertinent info to your wife.

I have what is called hydradenitis, which is a type of infection that is almost like cyst acne. Most people get it in their gland areas- inside of thighs and under their arms. During my second pregnancy, I developed it under my breasts. This was a major part in the decision to have the reduction. When I first came out of surgery, it was amazing. He had removed all of the scarring and (it seemed) all of the infection. There was very little bruising and they looked great, so I thought all would be well. Ten days later, both side split open down the incision line and laid wide open (those of you who are gagging, I am so sorry!). It took several weeks for them to heal, and as if that weren't bad enough, mid-December (W2S's time line was a little off on the second surgery) I still could not get over how much pain I was in and noticed that it seemed the infection was back. By just after the holidays, it was apparent and I went back to the doctor, who confirmed it. He set me up for surgery and I had another operation to drain and clean out the infection. Although I have never had another surface, they continue to persist on the inside. At this point, the entire left side is bright red, hot to the touch and, man, I cannot even tell you how bad it hurts. I have been on round after round of antibiotics and they always come back. The doc says there is nothing more he can do, other than completely remove the breast, b/c if he takes any more tissue out, there will not be enough to sustain the life of the nipple.

The only thing that I know to do is sue the doc, but I cannot find another doc to back me up. They all say hydradenitis is incurable and that the doc should have told me it would not necessarily go away after the reduction. I do have pictures of everything. My M is livid, and says just go get the lawyer-they'll find you a doc. I am so against lawsuits, though...but I think this time it is justified...

So sorry that is happening to you. Your M is right. I would run it by an attorney. They will let you know quickly whether they think there is a case.

Thanks B...I am going to call in the morning.

You know what the worst part is (besides the pain, of course)? My kids. What 3 and 7 yr olds have to take a step back when they run up to hug me and say "oh, sorry, we gotta watch mommy's ---." I want to cry every time it happens. Tonight when I put my 3 yr old to bed, he laid his hand on my cheek and said "I'm sorry your --- hurt, mommy." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Ok I was good until the line from your 3yr old. See yo guys got me all crying again. I'm so sorry for your pain Lala.

Prayers to both of you.

Sorry, man. Been a little teary tonight m'self!

BTW---anyone else hating being an Ohio sports fan tonight! Sheesh!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Don't be sorry Lala, if anything I'm sorry. I watch some of it... the ugly part for Ohio. The D just fell apart there for a while.

Oh, Resonance. ow, ow, ow.

I assume you have done research on the internet about it to see what some other possible treatments (I saw that there were no existing cures) that could be tried? Or have you gone through them all? I was talking to my pharmacist the other day regarding some prescription medicine and he told me the following, "You have to be your most important medical advocate, no one else including your physician, has the same level of concern for what you are dealing with than you do."

Of course, there is quite a bit of whacko medical information available, but I have often printed off material to take to my doc that was very useful and I have found that forums of people who are dealing with the same medical issues are often a huge resource of helpful info.

Sending thoughts of healing and pain relief to you and hoping things improve quickly.

W2S/Lala - Check your e-mail.

Thanks Graplin! I agree completely, and I am an internet research junkie! That's a big part of why I haven't sued, also. I know they will use that as an excuse to get out of it- that it's incurable and what was the doc to do? But the fact that they split open on the very same day, which had nothing to do with the hydradenitis, is what has caused much of the residual pain, I believe. But I'm sure they could prove me wrong. And how do you prove pain in the first place..?

Thanks TMTS! W2S will write ya back in a minute-he went to have a quick smoke. I just posted on your thread. I'm hangin in there...DH just got signed op for medical insurance (finally). They had another "problem" with their site yesterday, and he was just able to get in and sign up. Whew...boy do I have some appts to make today!

Want2Stay's

I've already left a post with your wife requesting some advice, for that I thank you in advance. But after reading through this I have two other questions.

1. Want stops your from restarting your original website? Seems too good to just let go, but then again, youre the expert, there must be reasons. It just seems you HATE your job, why not try again?

2. Since you lost so so much and your MARRIAGE HAS ACTUALLY IMPROVED, what is your secret? I am SICK with worry that selling my biz to start a new one will be the last straw for my feeble marriage. Especially if my new venture is lined with difficulties.

Hey, even if there is no answer to this and other questions I have posed, I just want to say how much I admire BOTH your drives, BOTH your REDEDICATION to your marriage, and allowing each other to make mistakes as long as their is an effort to not repeat them. Your marriage is truly an inspiration. I wish you both the best of luck, but somehow, I don't think you guys will be needing it.

gabagool...

Want2stay will be home late tonight and will get back to ya tonight or tomorrow. I saw you said you put a shout out to me, but I haven't seen it...where is it? I will look for your thread, too...is it on GQ?

Hi
Thanks for responding. I posted in your thread "Inside the wayword mind". Then they redid this whole site, so its been awhile. If you click on your name, all your posts will come up. I posted twice I think. It all concerns the hardships you and your husband had to go through and my worrying that I will repeat them in MY marriage.

Again. I've got a TON of admiration for the love you guys posess for each other. I only wish that my wife was like that.

Hey gabagool!

I was actually writing this post when the site went down...so I saved it and here it is...

He builds and runs many websites. It was a business that he started years ago, and worked on the side. He had a full-time job, which he was laid off from in July '05. At that point, he had built his business up to a substantial enough point, that I took over medical benefits and he stayed at home and ran the business. At that point, he began working on it all hours of the day and night. I HATE computers, and until recently (after coming here, etc) I hardly EVER used them except at work. So, the resentment grew for me....

PLEASE NOTE! This is absolutely NO excuse for what I did. I am just giving you some history to tell you this... If you start a business to work on with your wife, make sure you ask her what she wants! Now, if she is wayward right now, as you suspect, obviously you aren't going to get much in the way of honesty! But, my point is...if you want to do this WITH her, then you both have to agree that it will be enjoyable for BOTH of you...and not just something you enjoy, yanno!

So, I would say that the first order of business is to snoop and find out what you are dealing with as far as whether your wife is having an A. There will be MUCH to deal with if she is, and so the business may have to take a back seat to that for a while.

Just wanted to make sure that once you know what is going on, you take the time to ask her what she would find fulfilling in the way of a business once the M is repaired and back on track. That way, you can both enjoy it together...which is your intention!

Best of luck to you! Thank you for the positive feedback on my threads!!

Gabagool,

I haven't forgot about you. I've just been very busy with work and recovery. I have to take a nap for work tonight, but I'll get back to you soon.

Want2Stay