I hope that I'm posting this in the right place. If not, perhaps one of the mods can move it. I don't know where to start. I guess I'll just list some facts. I'm completely heartbroken and wish the pain would go away. I know....give it time. So, here's the facts as I know them.

1. At the end of October, I find that hubby has been text messaging (this from a man that I had no clue knew how to do such a thing) one number a whole lot. I confront him with it and he admits to texting her for 3 reasons 1) bowling (they bowl in the same league) 2) softball stuff (he played on a fall league for her husband's team) and 3) her and hubby just built a new house and since he's in the brick/tile business it had to do with that. At this point he does NOT admit to an affair...but I am suspicious.

2. While we are on our way to visit some of his family for Thanksgiving I notice he is TOTALLY attached to his work cell phone and even takes it into rest area bathrooms....so, you see where I'm going with this? He has now moved to using his work cell to communicate with her. I'm totally blown away. On the trip he admits to having an addiction to her and says that he can't stop. He tells me this whole time that he loves me to death and can't live without me but still he's addicted. I'm miserable the ENTIRE trip.

3. Come home and still things are weird. I tell him to end it with her....that it is an addiction and the only way to overcome it is to stop contact completely. He says he will. Fast forward to Nov 29th. I decide to take matters into my own hands and call her husband when my hubby is late coming home from the gym. Her husband knew about the affair too...and he claims they have just ended it. That SHE is home bawling her eyes out and that he can't go home to comfort her cuz he's at work. Ok, so if that's the case WHY the heck can't he go home. Guess his priorities are messed up...but.....Hubby tells me too that they have ended it.

4. I know it's still not over. There is still contact. My gut instinct is telling me so. I feel that he is telling me lies on top of lies.

5. Facts that he has told me about her:
She is easy to talk to, she is not in love with her hubby, hubby doesn't treat her right, MY hubby wants to be able to see them out and say hi, hubby knows he can't play on their softball team any more, she is young....26....he is 42.

6. He still claims that he loves me. He told me that he told her Monday that we are going to work on our marriage. Since that time I've felt a distance from him.

7. I am going for individual counseling. Today will be my second session.

8. I'm a mental mess and want to get MY life back on track.

Hi, Momofone.

I am so sorry you are faced with this, but I see some positives:

She is married and her husband is trying to put a stop to it as well.

First part of exposure all ready done. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have you read Surviving an Affair, available on this site and maybe your library?

You seem kind of familiar with the terms of this site, so I am guessing you have read a lot here already.

How familiar are you with Plan A?

Thanks for the response Josie. Yes, I'm familiar with the terms. I've been lurking here since November. I did buy Surviving the Affair and I've read it. I'm familiar with Plan A and I've implemented it. Some things I'd like to add about us.

1. We've been married for 16 years.
2. We have a 13-year old son.

How long have you been in Plan A and how well have you done with it?

What was your marriage like before the affair?

Things before the affair were good for the most part....that's why I'm totally floored by it.

I called the OW's spouse on the 29th of November but I'd say I've been using Plan A for about a week.

While in Plan A, you are going to have to expect that there will be contact, and not be reactionary.

And as long as there is contact the affair is not considered over because of the addictive nature of affairs. And to take it further there cannot be withdrawal until NC has been established.

So, who else knows about the affair? How far has exposure gone?

Also, is there anyway the OW's husband would come here? Or become familiarized with MB? If both of you are working together to bust up the affair, it might prove to be invaluable.

My husband has told 4 people on his own. 1) his favorite cousin who he tells everything to...and she told him he was a ##### idiot 2) one of his coworkers because he's been an emotional wreck at work 3) & 4) two people from the bowling alley.

The OW's husband seemed like he wanted to talk to me at first but then he clammed up. It was a weird conversation with him. From what my husband has told me, the OW's husband isn't doing what he needs to do to take care of the OW. He works alot of weird hours and leaves her alone. Tonight is their bowling night and if hubby is late coming home I'm thinking of calling OW's husband at work again tonight.....I hate to call him at work but that's the only number I have for him. I don't know this for a fact but I wonder if OW's husband doesn't sometimes go in to work after bowling and thus, that's why my husband is later coming home on some nights.

Do you still feel distant from him? Possibly withrawal from OW. This is normal and a good thing.

He wants to work on the M? Here are some "must do's"

NC, NONE. All the activities and communications must end. Send a formal NC letter. If your comfortable, post it here before it's sent.

MC, Do you like your IC? Pro Marraige? Get him to go with you. Also read the books together, talk it out while you read. This also helps to spend time together, and overcome the withdrawal from OW.

He needs to give you access to is phone records. He needs to know how import reassurance is for you there is NC.

Keep communications with OWH. Let him know you want to keep in touch to compare notes if needed.

Continue Plan A, but be firm on your boundries.

Keep posting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-JKT

Yes, I still feel distance. I can't decide if it's truly from withdrawal or from lying to me again. I don't trust a thing he does or says anymore. I've been lied to so much recently.

Yes, he says he wants to work on the M.

I like my IC but I've only been to her one time. Today is my second session. WS told me initially that he would go with me to counseling but then he backed off....that's another reason I think there is still contact.

I do have access to family cell phone stuff but after I found that initially he moved it to his work cell phone.

Like I said earlier OWH seemed like he wanted to talk to me at first but then backed off. It was weird....but I'm not opposed to calling him again.

I just feel so out of control and I hate that feeling!!!!

A good Plan A will help you to regain control, momofone.

It is very importantt to remember you are not in recovery yet, you are in Plan A and he is somewhat on the fence.

You do not want to do anything to knock him off the fence into OW's direction. NO L/B's or D/J's of any kind.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

Do a search on Orchid and Ark's postings. A lot of wisdom and helpful advise from both.

How did it go last night?

Josie, WS got home only a few minutes later than usual last night. He wasn't really drunk but, of course, he had been drinking. He was in a foul mood so I wonder if something happened between all of them at bowling. He was in the same nasty mood this morning so I barely talked to him. Do they get nasty when they are still in contact with OW...or could he be telling me the truth that they broke it off? IMO, I think he's just pissed because I told him to end it once and for all. My gut instinct tells me they are still in contact.

I had my second session with the counselor yesterday. I didn't like her as well this time. She seemed to be constantly clock watching while talking to me....and I can't get another appointment with her until Jan. 12th! I'm considering calling someone else.

If you can afford it why not call Steve Harley. I did back when I was a mess, and he was very helpful to me.

Also they do have a radio show that you can email your questions into, and it is free. (or call in to, ask Mel if interested she listens to it)

And yes, he'll be nasty, he is not unique, they all are until they make the decision to repair their marriages. He is in inner turmoil. This is good. You remain in Plan A behavior, though.

This is on the opening page of this site, but in case you missed it -


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