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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2007
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New here,
I have been reading the subjects of infidelity, found out H had an affair, working thru it, H tells me everything, the OW called me to say sorry it was a mistake, she is fixing it with her H, so why is she calling my H? H called to tell me she had just called and he told her, he can not talk to her. H also told her it was over in front of me. What do I do? So lost.....
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412 |
Welcome to MB. Can you fill in the details of your story a little bit more? Tell us about your marriage and give us a timeline on the affair. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Check out my thread called "Where does it end?"....There's some hope and some great posters there. You aren't alone.
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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Joined: Jun 2007
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Hi Rome,
You've found a great place for support. People with WAY more experience in understanding the MB principles will be along to help you.
Like Starfish said, you are not alone and you will get through this pain. One second at a time if necessary.
SG
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5
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Joined: Dec 2007
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The afafir started in October, Found out right before Thanksgiving, I thought our marriage was great, a little slow in the sex department but all other aspects were great. H has done everthing to correct the wrong, he is truly sorry, we are taking babysteps in the direction of getting back together, he is counseling at some point I will join him, today he called me to let me know that he just got a call from her, she used an unknown number to contact him, he told her he can not talk to her anymore and hung up. We have been married come Jan for 20 years. So how do I or H handle this OW if she does not get the message that it is over.
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412 |
Some OWs can turn into real stalkers....sorry. If it gets too bad....you can get try for a restraining order. Is she married? Have you exposed to her husband or family?
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Joined: Dec 2007
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Yes she is married and he knows, for he is the one that exposed them to me, via threats to H if he did not come clean which in turn all happened in the matter of 15 min of me knowing everything. Then the next day she calls me to say sorry and that she hopes we can fix things that her and her husband are going to work it out, but at that time I was not sure of what I wanted to do. By the way I am lost with all these abbreivations and what they stand for. I know H = Husband W = Wife OW= Other woman but the rest I am lost. Anyway just when I think we are making small strides I get hit right back down. Talk about a rollercoaster. My H is making me the prime in his life at all costs, I have given him yesterday all the info I have read from this site for him to read as well to help us to get to the other side.
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 1,372
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Wow, I remember that feeling of waiting to wake up from a nightmare! So certain that this couldn't really be happening to me.....
It's tough, but you're in a good spot right now.
I'd suggest a No-Contact (NC) letter. Your husband writes it, you approve it and send it. It's short and sweet and says that the A was wrong, that he wants to make the M work, and that he can't do that with her in the picture, so don't ever contact him again.
There are sample letters around here, or in the book "Survivng an Affair" (SAA), by Dr. Harley. I'd suggest you get that book, anyway, it will help you with the steps you and your H need to take.
In the meantime, monitor for any other contact. This is a time when it's easy for wayward spouses (WS's) to fall back into the old pattern, you need to help him stay away from her.
-AmI.
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
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If you go over to the Emotional Needs board...there are some threads at the top that will give you the meaning of all those silly abbreviations. Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? That's really what you need to read. I have to run tonight, but this will bump you to top and I'll look in on you tommorrow.
this is a hug------> ((((((((((romerokar))))))))))))
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,701
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I also think your husband should write a no contact letter for you to send to the OW.
You have a major advantage already that most BS's do not have already when they first post here:
The OP's spouse knows and had the smarts and decency to expose the adultery to you!
Even though your WH told the OW over the phone, in front of you, that it was over... IMHO he still needs to write the no contact letter for you to send to her. WS's are dishonest. There is the possibility that she wasn't even on the other end of the phone line when he told her in front of you that it was over... he may have dialed some other number, or maybe she didn't even pick up, or maybe she had already hung up... You have to make sure she gets the message.
Last edited by meremortal; 12/12/07 06:41 PM.
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Joined: May 2006
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Here's some info on no-contact (NC) letters, from one of Dr. Harley's articles: How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. -AmI.
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
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Hi Romerokar,
Sorry I have no time to post, but your story is similar to mine (you can read it attached to my sig line.) I'll try to check back in with you.
NC letter is a must, as others have said if you want to help your WH withstand withdrawal. He sounds like my WH.....sweet and apologetic and helpful ....and reconnected to that OW via other means.....4 D-Days to prove it.
Sorry so short, but welcome to MB....so glad you've found us at this stage in your sitch.
Best wishes,
Ace
FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5
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Joined: Dec 2007
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Thank you all, I plan on getting the books this weekend, I am a working woman, I have been debating if I should contact the OW H, to make him aware that she is contacting my WH. I will have my WH write a NC letter. I am going with him Friday to his Counseling session, he wants me to be there. I am not sure what to expect, the C has offered that I may join in at any time. So my nerves are jumping all over. I am so glad that I found this site it has been so helpful, but I do not want to fool myself to think all will be well, maybe in time. Thanks all, When I get the chance I will post my story, I get my laptop at Christmas, so all I have is my work puter. So every chance I get I try to pop in here. Again thank you all, and Star*Fish thanks for the hug it was well needed!!!
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,701
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"I have been debating if I should contact the OW H, to make him aware that she is contacting my WH."
I say yes, tell him what his WW is up to.
Wouldn't you want him to tell you if your WH was still contacting his wife?
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