Hey 2 hearts
you stil around?

...still here...no changes yet...no new news or good news either.
latest post in " emotional needs " forum.

part 1
Ok I am sure many of you have read the posts I have in " In Recovery, Emotional Needs, and Divorcing/Dovorced " well here is a new twist to the whole thing..this might take a while to explain: Ok, back in April of last year I discovered that my wife of 5 years has had a series of affairs with 3 guys and 1 woman. We had started marriage counseling in May of last year and we were doing pretty good, we went for 8 sessions and then I went to individual counseling to help resolve things in my past. We had during the 8 weeks been reading the Surviving An Affair book, created a Policy Of joint Agreement, signed the Committment To Marriage contract, and developed a book of guidelines so we would not go down the whole messy situation again to affairs and destruction of our marriage. Sounds good right? Well it gets wierder.

part 2
In the fall of last year, not sure when, my wife had started talking again to the last person she had a affair with, and I guess she started mamking plans to move in with him and end our marriage, those plans were supposed to happen in December of last year. Upon finding out about all of this I hit rock bottom and I wanted to end my life, so I ended up a 12 day stay in a hospital in Seattle...I got out of there 4 days before Christmas and came back home where the understanding was that my replacement would be moving in after the 1st of the year after he and his wife decided to attempt to work things out for 4 days. His moving in never happened, and it would now appear that my wife is no longer allowed to talk to him ever again...she has been blocked from emails, myyearbook.com, and myspace.com. In the mean time I think I may have found a replacement for her on one ofthese boards and I have been doing my best to repair the whole damage that this whole mess has created in my life. I finally came to a crossroad where there was 3 options:
1- live aloone with no spouse
2- keep buildingthe friendship withthe new person which looks like it may be headed off in the right direction
3- retry yet again with the repair of my marriage and see if counseling will fix the issues we have and give it a " all or nothing " effort.

part 3
Today I felt that one of the choices I have has now vanished...living alone, and i feel " pulled " by both my heart, and my gut to the repair of the marriage by using whatever methods possible. So the question is, and I want to hear from those who have been in this situation before, and from those with a ear " turned to GOD " the most here: What do I do? I feel the strongest about repairing the marriage and avoiding divorce, I honestly do not know what my wife thinks about the whole thing. She had been making plans on getting her own place and me my own place...but it seems that every time she makes plans to be on her own, something falls apart. She has been desperatly looking for a replacement for me, using the socalizing boards and the dating sites...but the look I see on her is one of unhappiness about the way things are going. I also sence that she is " jealous " that I might have her replacement as well. Now I know the devil must be having a good laugh at all ofthis since he has been making a giant mess out of everything since day one here...but I don't think it is him who is steering me back to my marriage. I think it might be GOD, but I am not certain. If it is HIM, then how will I know since I feel changes in me, but I don't see changes that may be leading my wife back to me...but she might be hiding this I don't know. As of late, we have been getting along real good. She has been talking to me and telling me her feelings and her frustrations about this whole thing, and I have seen the hurt in her eyes from this whole mess.I know GOD moves in mysterious ways, and I also know that there is a lot of people out there praying for me to resolve the depression, sleep issues, and this marraige, but I haven't got a definate answer as to which way to turn with this new turn of events. When she called and talked to me earlier today, I could tell the pain she was feeling, but I can't label that pain as I don't know if it is from the whole situation with her and him, the pain of feeling rejected, or the pain of the reality that she may be making a big mistake by looking to end our marriage.I also don't want to make the wrong decision either, I know that if you choose the wrong path aside from the one GOD wants you on that you'll have a miserable life...trust me on this, been there and done that with 1st wife. but I also do not want to let things go and have to find a new person to care about again. I don't freely give my heart to anyone, been hurt far to much in the past so I keep it in a very well protected area so it can recover and be safe from any further harm. I am of split mind here.Anyone got any suggestions, advice, or thoughts on this? Anyone got any " sixth sence " about this whole situation, or any advice they feel is from GOD? I really need help with this one.

My assumption has always been that God wants us to help ourselves...he lays it all out in front of us for us to choose. I really would like your marriage to work out, but you keep bringing up one thing that truly scares me. You seem to have an overreaching sense that you HAVE to be with someone, or you are nothing. The only times I've heard you talk as if life is worth living is when you say that a woman wants to be with you. And IMO that is so very unhealthy.

I really, really wish you could find a place of peace in your heart and with God to just be ok with yourself - before you steer back toward getting whatever it is you need from a mate.

Work with your wife, but please consider not making 'getting back together' your bellwether on whether you are ok.

And as for your wife, she has serious issues that need addressed before I'd like her to move back in with you - needing to have so many affairs - and with a woman - is a humongous red flag that she needs to work on herself, even moreso than you do. If you rush back together, nothing will be fixed; it will only be a matter of time before the same issues create the same problems, only next time you'll be less likely to handle it well.

Please think about that. But good luck either way. I'm glad you're feeling better. Please don't forget about all those other ideas we put out for you to consider doing to add to your life.

You two should stay together in order to keep from ruining two other peoples lives. Seriously, there are levels of dysfunction here that can't be addressed on an internet message board.

Catperson,
You may be right here, sane with MyRevelation as well.
There may be things that need to be worked out in both of our lives. And I see your point about me saying that i am nothing without someone. I have felt " abandoned " by my parents several times when I was growing up..this might be something that needs to be dealt with in counseling. I'll bring it up in next session.

OMG, that's awesome, 2hearts! You have no idea how many times I've seen that 'fear of abandonment' issue coming up - it seems to be a huge turning point in almost everyone's life. Great idea to follow it up in counseling.

It is definatly over. My wife has found a new boyfriend which leaves me out in the cold. Some of the advice you people game me helped...some didn't do anything, and the rest left me more confused than before. I have come to the conclusion that marriage isn't worth the effort to put any energy into...2 failed marriages both from cheating? who would want to marry a 3rd timer? Who would ever want me? I am no longer a " complete person " after tonights information...just a broken and battered shell of a man.
Looks like the end of the line for me and my posts on here..no reason to visit anymore what help can be offered or suggested by anyone else?

Again, I'm sorry to hear this. You were a complete person the day you were born, my dear. Please continue seeing your doctors, and feel free to come back when you're feeling better to learn more about how a healthy relationship operates.