So much here is written about the WS state of mind being in a fog. The BS is also subjected to an unnatural state of mind, but it isn't really a fog. It's more of a blizzard where stuff runs through your head so fast and furious you can't really get a handle on any of it. It's the worse immediately after d-day, but it doesn't truly let up for a long time. Then everything is so covered in snow you can no longer see the details of the terrain. Does this describe anyone else other than me?

I'm currently doing a modified Plan B - that is I am trying to protect myself from the actions of W-STBXH, while doing things to feel better about myself but not with the purpose of reconcilliation. But a lot of it seems to be going through the motions. I need to shut off my brain and take a rest. Right now it seems the only time the blizzard isn't blowing full force is if I am extremely busy - and I mean physically as well as mentally active. It has been noticed by friends and colleagues that I've been tense and high strung - more than normal. And I'm tired.

Perhaps meditation of some sort is the key but I'm not really familiar with any techniques. I've done yoga in the past - I don't know if I have the concentration level yet to do that, though it's a possibility. I really need something I can do anywhere anytime. It's all in my head, right?

Any experts, recommendations or resources out there to help with this?

You sound just like my BW.


Im fighting so hard for us, and shes went her own way and lived with her friend for a month now, and took Seperation papers out on me, but doesnt tell me its completely over either. She says she wants time to work on herself which I respect dearly. Answer to everything about us is... "I dont know". Ive been wondering about BS's fog as well.

YES! And I am the FWW who just started meditation about a month ago. It has helped sooo much. Got me out of the fog, calmed me down. Gave me a center of peace that I can get to easily throughout the day (this was hard at first, but getting easier).

There is a website that makes it just as easy as it should be, and I have actually sent questions to the guy who started the site (33 years of meditation teachings and experience) and he wrote me back very quickly and helped me out at the beginning.

I think it is frowned upon to give out names of sites, so yell at me (senior members) if you must! It is (and I won't do the www crap, everyone knows how to put in a web address!) meditationcenter. Read the articles, too. They are short, uplifting and easy to read. The tone of this site is like none other. I have gone through many other sites in my hunt for as much knowledge as possible on the subject of meditation/chakras/etc, but none compared to his.

I hope this helps, and I am so sorry about your pain, stress level, anxiety and exhaustion. I just came out of my fog a week ago (see my and want2stay's stories) and am on a mission to help as many people in your shoes as I can, since I just got done putting my poor H through it. There are many success stories here, but if you are too far beyond that, and D papers are flying, just focus on you. And let me know if you need anything!!

LaLa- I like your post and it does help, but your a WW spouse, we're asking about fog with BS's,


Thanks


-Zach

I really don't know what a WS fog feels like - only what I've learned from MB. From that, my guess is that it's the complete opposite of the BS in the sense that where the WS feels everything is right, the BS feels everything is wrong etc. Speaking for myself as a BS, the sheer amount of thoughts, feelings, emotions etc is overwelming, as is the lack of control and that piece of awareness that something ought to be done but the utter helplessness to do it or even know what it is to do that makes up the bulk of the blizzard. Mix into that damaged self esteem and the complete loss of everything that was once solid in your life. I know that doesn't begin to explain half of it but there just aren't words.

MB principles are helping me tremendously, though I've accepted that my M is beyond saving and have not been seeking that result for some time now. Just because a BS has chosen that path does not mean they are no longer suffering the effects of the A. And Plan A/B still have great value in this situation - I believe that 100%. My mind is still a whirlwind and I'd like it to stop, or even slow down. Like I said - I'm just tired.

I wonder if my BW is in a "Fog". She seems to have gotten over the anger part and wants time apart, went to a lawyer about seperation papers and such. Says she still loves me but isnt sure about us. She moved in with a friend, but will still talk to me an answer all my phone calls. Shes started this week when I speak with her she carry's on a conversation and such and doesnt bring up anymore anger or Relationship talk.

She says shes wants to work on herself and work on her new job right now and she doesnt know about us. I feel she may be in a fog. Im not sure, I never see posts on BS's being in "Fog". Im curious to hear what some BS's have to think on my situation.

tabby have you tried any anti-depressants? i just started taking some again to deal with similar emotions and it's starting to help

Yes, it is a blizzard....and your mind won't shut off....I know...mine won't either. My counselor told me that I've become obsessed with WS's affair....while he is in a fog I'm obsessing to the max. She said that I need meds to clear my mind....she recommended zoloft which I have to get from a family doctor...and you guessed it....I don't have one. I've made an appointment for a physical next week tho. I'm trying to be proactive and start thinking about me and my DS. I've got to stop thinking about WS and OW so much. I'm usually so focused and together but this has blown my world apart.

Tabby1

You have all my sympathy. You and I are in the same sitch--I too am in a modified Plan B not to reconclie but to move away from the drama of my W-STBXH's affair (that's the first time I've referred to him that way btw!) and recover myself. But I know all about the whirlwind mind. It does make you tired. Only recently has mine calmed down a little---no meds, just the passage of time and focus on other things in life.

If you care to share, I'm curious as to why you've chosen this path as well (not to reconcile)...

Smartie

Tabby1 for me I had to tell myself today is a day just for me, NO thoughts of any kind allowed about the sitch. Do something fun, relaxing, JUST for YOU, or as it is the Christmas season do something kind for someone else. Just take at least a day off.

If you are really in a depression anti-depressants may be of help.

HTH

This is why I love this board - so many different ideas and opinions! Thanks guys.

Zachb01: for clarification I meant that the state of mind of a BS is more like a blizzard than a fog. Quite likely your BW is suffering with this as well. Read all the threads here and you'll see for yourself just how devastating it is.

Charliethree: I took ADs for a couple of months immediately post d-day until I could resume eating and sleeping. Perhaps I should have stayed on them? I don't know. I would like to be able to deal with it on my own. Someday I want to feel like a normal human being again that just deals with regular, every day issues like grocery shopping, buying gas or arranging my schedule to visit a friend. Not this nightmare.

Monofone: I hear you loud and clear. In fact, I have a bit of OCD under normal circumstances which has not helped. Although in the beginning it did help me to focus on the technical aspects of the separation. But yes, despite having moved on in many ways I'm still obsessed with the A. In fact today W-STBX and OW are closing on the house they just bought together.

Smartie: I would love to share stories. If you aren't comfortable posting here, email me at ripplingjiggs @ yahoo.com (remove spaces).

Mvg: How exactly DO you stop the thoughts? That's what I'm having difficulty with. And with Christmas it just makes it even harder since it was a big deal at our house. It will feel very empty this year.

You guys are great!

Tabby KEEP BUSY, Focus on something other than the A. Make yourself take a 'brain' break, no thinking of A allowed for at least 24 hours, then you can think it about it if you want. Find ANYTHING to keep you busy..a puzzle, reading, cleaning out a closet, call a friend. My house in the beginning VERY clean for once. I became fanatical about it. Pray..do you know the serenity prayer?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I CANNOT change.
Courage to change the things I CAN,and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as the pathyway to peace. Taking as He did, this sinful world as it is not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

I found that keeping busy is a great help. I go to the gym, walk around the mall, visit friends, have friends over and have started looking for a job. I have less time to think about him & the OW together.

Tabby, Blizzard is so perfect as a description. You are NOT the only one. Your description may explain why I am drawn to my new favorite song from the chili peppers. It's called "snow" :

...When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more time to decide on

When it's killing me
When will I really see
All that I need to look inside

Come to believe that I better not leave
Before I get my chance to ride

When it's killing me
What do I really need
All that I need to look inside

Hey oh listen what I say oh
Come back and
Hey oh look at what I say oh

The more I see the less I know
The more I like to let it go hey oh
Wooooaaah

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow

Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go

In between the cover of another perfect wonder
And it's so white as snow

Running through the field where all my tracks will
Be concealed and there's nowhere to go oh!

Tabby1

If you're comfortable, I'll happily share stories on the board. Heck my life is an open book <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Looking forward to reading yor post....

Smartie

Tabby,

I can certainly relate to your description of the BS blizzard. I am over 2 years out past d-day and I am still learning how to think straight again. I went through so many stages. I am also a very obsessive thinker which makes all this even worse.

First I obsessed about finding out all I could about OW and OWH for exposure purposes. Once that was done and the affair continued, I just obsessed about the affair. I had to go ahead and file some paperwork to protect myself financially, so there was that to obsess about. Then there was the wait it out period...

Once the papers where filed, WH kinda plan B'd me, we were not in contact for months and months. So, I obsessed about the house and yard. I started gardening at a maddening pace. I had never gardened before so there was plenty to keep me busy. That bought me about a year of sanity.

During this time, I started on AD's, then anti-obsessive drugs and finally added anti-anxiety drugs. I didn't stay on all the pills long, I weaned off them opposite in the order I started them, so I was on the AD's the longest.

D-day was in August of 2005, divorce final in January of 2007. I still do the woulda, shoulda, coulda's but to a much lesser extent. Now, it is more about getting rid of the rose colored glasses I have on in respect to exWH and trying to figure out why I have such a fear of emotional intimacy now.

I drink herbal tea now, I write messages to myself on my desk to refer to often (new thinking messages), and try to take a moment to myself when I feel my brain starting to fry.

Look out at the blizzard, see the bumps and lumps of snow covering stuff you can't identify anymore. Imagine what those bumps will be when springtime thaws it all out. Do the mental work now, covertly under the snow, and in the springtime, those heaps of crap out there will reveal themselves to be wonderous isles of beauty and peace.

Jean36- Would you take him back? What would it take if yes?

Hey Tabby1,
Your description is very descriptive, poetic, from the heart. If you have done yoga in the past, but don't feel you have the concentration to do it now: Try finding a good Yoga class. An instructor and students will give you that hand over hand support that you need right now in order to concentrate. Then, after you get into the habit of it in a class setting, you may be able to apply it when you are on your own.

Don't expect too much of yourself re the concentration thing. It's tough right now. Try to find a class. You deserve that kind of support. Take care.

Yes, I most likely would. I would like to think that he could have some epiphany and want his family reunited. I would hope that we could get to the "why's" of our troubles because I really would not want to put my children through this again.

But yes, I do still love the man that walked out of here. I just don't know who he is now. Personally, I like to believe that is one of the reasons he stays so far away from me. I like to think that being around me brings up loving feelings for him and he tries to avoid feeling that. I know I get along better when I don't have to see him for weeks at a time.

I certainly understand the strange sensation of being a BS...unfortunately pretty much spent decades inthat state of mind because of my serial adulterer WXH.

This is what I did/do to try to feel normal enough to get through my day/week...year...life:

Before the divorce, when WH couldn't make up his mind between me and the OW (and of course had his heart set on somehow keeping both me and the OW in his life) I determined which items would be on my to-do list no matter what WH decided. Then I concentrated on doing the things on that list of overlapping items (picture a Venn diagram). This helped me with the paralysis of analysis thing, when I couldn't decide what to do because my WXH was constantly changing his mind. Just because he was on a roller coaster didn't mean I had to be too. And anyway, it's not like I was going to get everything on that list all done anytime soon before having to decide which of the other two lists: 'what if he divorces me?' or 'what if he comes back home?' to start on.

Of course there were certain important things that had to be done in order to protect myself and my children such as getting a lawyer and getting child support and alimony set up.

Also, it really helped me to know that I had a plan to follow: Plan A and then later Plan B. I would read over the do's and don't's of the Plan frequently to make sure I stayed on track and to deal with the doubts.

Most of the time now I don't worry about 'what if' in relation to my WXH as I go on with my life without him now.

OT for Lake53: Hey you and I are the same age and my WXH is the same age as your husband. Plus I see that you are pretty physically active too... except I do the 'girly' things like figure skating, ballroom dance, Irish dance...LOL Actually I have't had time, money or good health (severe hypertension) to do nearly as much as I used to do pre D-day...