I posted my story the other day of finding out about my WWs A. I have finally calmed down enough to think a little. I asked to her to never contact the OM again and quit her job but she is not willing to give up her “only friend” and her job because we probably "won’t fall back in love anyway". She thinks it impossible to fall back in love with someone once its gone! SO….what do I do now? I hate knowing that she’s so in love with the OM and is waiting for the right time to move out and get an Apt. with him. She’s “waiting” to see if our marriage is worth fixing before she cuts of contact with the OM….just like everything I’ve read. Should we stop going to MC (we’ve only made it to one apt. so far) until she agrees to follow the NC policy..I’m not sure how long I can hang in there knowing she is so in love with the OM and plans to leave eventually if things don’t improve. I feel like I should ask her to move out now so her A is exposed to the harsh reality of real life. She cannot support herself and he cannot either, she will quickly become unhappy and might finally realize that her love for the OM will never become anything real. I feel like I need to do something to help end this A before I get tired of waiting for her to realize it…..

aph....Have you done the "exposure" part of Plan A? Who knows about the affair? Is the OM married? Work affairs can sometimes be ended quickly with exposure to H and R. Do you have children?

Hi aph,

Plan A has no separation component. That's called "Plan B". In most cases, the Harley's would have you make a solid concerted effort on Plan A first. That means adjusting your marital behaviors more in line with 'good' behaviors (following the Rules of Care, Protection, Time, and Honesty). It's tough to change your marital behaviors when your in a marriage that's going OK---it's way harder to do so when your wife is having an affair. But Plan A helps to set a successful Plan B (a no-contact separation).

Your wife is like a coke-head or heroin addict. What she feels for the OM isn't love---it's an addiction. It's not fun sitting where you're at now, but if you realize it as an addiction, you may be able to take some of this less personally. She's waiting to see if your marriage is worth fixing? Then maybe you should demonstrate to her that it is. By avoiding lovebusters (really hard under these situations). By being honest and respectful. By using fair negotiation tactics to work with the policy of Joint Agreement. Even if you give an A+ effort---the addiction may be too much. You may separate. She will be eurphoric at first. She'll get the 'dream'. But then the dream will turn to reality, and the reality is that almost all affairs crumble. They're not real, sustaining relationships. When she hits bottom---she'll start to think about what she left behind in her marriage to you. If you've done a good Plan A, and treated her with compassion and respect---she's more likely to come back with hope.

I could add a lot more---but I don't have time right now. I'd like to see a little history about how you feel you've done on your side of the marriage---where the troubles have been, and how you've done following the MB 'way'... It'll help with the dispensing of advice.

I'm working on the exposure now, I just found out last week that the A was very real and very emotional. I confronted her with the evidence and asked to end it and have NC with OM. We have no kids and her family and mine know of the affair. The OM is single and has no family that i know of except his aunt who is lives with and hates. A large part of the reason we got here falls on my shoulders becuase have not sacrificed nearly as much as she has (her words) over the years and i always disregaurded her feelings so she withdrew a long time ago and is finally realizing it. I am here becuase I am willing to do the work to save our marriage and change anything i can to make her happy, but she feels like there is no point becuase once the feeling of of love is gone you can;t get it back....she posted the following last night on "the nest"

"I am curious what the opinions are on this because DH and I differ in how we feel. We are near the point of splitting up and we have come very far in realizing what went wrong with our relationship and mistakes we both made. We are working on making the appropriate changes to ourselves and our relationship and getting over the hurts from the past that we have been holding onto, including long-term emotional neglect and an emotional affair. Because of these issues however, the love has died. We still care very deeply about each other but we are not in love anymore, and I don't just mean in the way that is a normal wax-and-wane thing in a marriage.

I am happy that we are able to work on these things but we are realizing now that the main obstacle we will eventually face if we can overcome these issues is that we need to fall back in love with each other again. We don't want to spend the rest of our lives not feeling that way about each other and we shouldn't have to. But we disagree on whether it's possible to fall BACK in love after it is gone.

How can you MAKE yourself fall in love? How do you fall in love in an atmosphere of daily stresses and knowing all the other person's flaws? Usually when you fall in love its all romantic bliss basically because you DON'T have to deal with those negative aspects, you can just concentrate on how great you make each other feel. If we've changed a lot since we met 8 1/2 years ago (when we were 19) how can we expect to fall in love like we did the first time? I wonder if we met today, being the people we are now as opposed to who we were in 1999, if we would have given each other a second glance. I mean we look the same but I'm not sure we would have mentally and emotionally clicked if we met now.

It is a very overwhelming concept and I realize every situation is different. We just don't want to waste the next months or years of our lives if it is a hopeless cause"

aph,

I like the way K answered your post....and your question. We do need more background and I'm going to try and go read your other posts....but perhaps you could add some details here as well. You're pretty early in this process to already be thinking about separation. That's why I was asking about whether you had completed the Plan A.....because as K said....you're already trying to move to Plan B. Do an excellent Plan A first, and do for long enough to create consistency....so that if and when you need to move to Plan B....you'll leave your wife with an attractive view of her marriage.

I know it seems early to be thinking like this. I know that the past 4 days have been the hardest of my life. I've read some of WS emails to OM and it's all i think about. she seems so deadset on being with OM. She's mentioned moving out already, and she's looking at apartments (she doesn't know I know). part of me wants her to go becuase I know that her bubble will burst quickly once her and OM are in the real world. I'm not sure if I want to live like this for 6 months, wondering where she is all the time......I need major support because most of my freinds and family think i should just move on, but I love her and i made a promise to be here in good times and bad.

I think your logic about the affair bubble bursting in the real world is right on target.....absolutely. That's why, for at least a short time....show her that you are willing to address the problems that existed in your marriage, so she remembers you as the "hero" when the fantasy falls apart.

aph,

How long have you known? 4 days??? Hahahahahaha... I couldn't find my a$$ with both hands for at least a month after discovery. You have a huge process to go through---a lot of dealing with your emotions, as well as building a good "plan" (I suggest "A"). You absolutely can fall back in love. And it will be much better than you had before.

I must flit from meeting to meeting, so I'll leave you with two excellent pieces of advice:

1. In the whirlwind of discovery---remain centered and make no major decisions (or major responses). Frankly, that includes exposure as well---there is a time for exposure, but in general it's AFTER you have a plan in place, not before you've thought through the issues and understand the ramifications and how to deal with it.

2. Call the Harley's and set up counseling. Steve is great for dealing with this stuff. They have a link where you can find the number for it---I used to have it memorized, but it's been several years since I've been here.

I've done this all. Discovery. Plan A. Plan B. With a lot of thrilling twists and turns thrown in for effect. It is a terribly hard time for you. When you really start Plan B, it will be much harder. And although you'll pray for recovery---be careful what you ask for. Early recovery is the toughest part of the whole process.

Call Steve. Set up an appointment... And I admire your willingness to stick to your wife through this---it's what puts value into a marriage vow.

thanks K, i know I have a long hard road ahead and I'm still in shock at the moment. I have actually known about OM and the A for a month or so just couldn't prove it. I just wsan't prepared for the discovery. I have a question though..

we have seen a MC once (before discovery) it was WSs idea. Now i'm not sure if we should continue since she is not gong to stop contact with OM.

ever minute feels like an eternity and I just want it to end.....so I will continue reading as much as I can on plan A, and exposure to formulate a plan, but I feel like time is short and she's ready to give up any second and go with OM....

also I can't afford calling the harley's right now, and if i do should I do it alone or with WS

Hi aph,

Sorry about the time between responses here---I really am busy, and my time for the board is extremely tight.

No one is ever prepared for discovery. Especially the first time. And all the times after... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. It's also true that no matter how well you are prepared for separation---you're not. Ditto for recovery. They call this a rollercoaster for a reason. Not just because it goes up and down, but no matter how well you see the twists and turns coming up, they'll still get that response out of you.

If your marriage counselor has a strong belief in marriage, and is familar with behavior counseling (in other words, like Harley), then counseling could certainly help. If they're more likely to say "well, if you're not going to stop the affair, you might as well divorce...", then it's probably not so helpful. You could call them and ask how they deal with an active affair. If you don't like the answer, then don't go.

If you can scrape up the dough---I'd definitely give the Harley's at least one call on your own. Normally Steve would then ask you to ask your wife to talk with him. Even if you don't get that far, Steve will evaluate where you are in the process and help get you started with a plan to address this. It's not easy to do on your own just reading the materials---and these boards have become a place where I frankly don't recognize a lot of the advice as being 'MB' material (one reason I've been gone for several years).

I'll caution you to be very careful with 'exposure', and suggest that this is an excellent question to ask Steve. You've exposed this affair to your wife, so it's no longer a marital secret. That's good. You can choose to try to blow this out of the water, but let's look at where you are right now:

1. Early after discovery and exposure to your wife. And if you don't think the affair is 'physical', assume that it is. It also makes very little practical difference with regards to recovery or how you deal with it.

2. Assume that a good period of Plan A time is 3 months. You haven't been married a really long time, and you have no children---so this would have me leaning on 3 months as an absolute maximum (when I dealt with this, I had 2 kids and was married for nearly 10 years, so 3 months was my minimum goal).

3. Your wife has given you some information. Use it wisely---do not punish her for this. You haven't sacrificed as much as she has. That means you probably haven't met key emotional needs. It would be great if you figure out which of these they are, and attempt to meet them. You can try to do so in the context of RESPECTFULLY REQUESTING an end to the affair (read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement and safe negotiating)---but she likes the affair, she's a crack addict, and she's unlikely to give it up. But hey---she may also be in a place where she doesn't mind double-dipping and will allow you to meet some of her needs as well (establishing a track record of new marital behaviors is good during Plan A).

4. If she flees with the OM---it's not necessarily a bad thing. That can be a great end to an affair. My wife's affair was effectively ended after she got pregnant by the OM (I was in Plan B), and they started to argue about the pregnancy. Reality is a ******...

It's really important that you exhibit some new marital behaviors here---if nothing else, it will throw her off guard. It will be something she recognizes as 'different'. It'll be unexpected. Avoid lovebusters at all costs. Learn about the Policy of Joint agreement, and try to follow it---especially from your side. That means "do nothing that I believe my spouse would not approve of". For instance, on the exposure front you could ask her about exposing the OM to work or his Aunt (neither sounds like a particularly effective action at this point). She wouldn't like that. You could tell her that the longer she continues the affair, the more your love for her is drained (truth---Radical Honesty). By having these respectful, non-lovebusting conversations, you're establishing the ability to work to highly emotional issues without blowing up and beating her to within an inch of her life, as well as getting your feelings out on the table.

None of this may stop you from separation. But it makes that Plan B more effective, especially after her affair ends...

It's been many years since I've written this type of advice. It's always the same. These situations are always the same---no matter how unique they feel. Take some comfort in the fact that this stuff falls into predictable patterns, and that Harley and the MB methodology works pretty well. I've seen some miracles in my days...

Good luck.