Well, I thought we were finally past the withdrawal symptoms. WW and I were getting along so well. Spontaneous kisses, passionate sex, general good times. And then BAM... she makes contact w/ OM. On the phone call, she gives him her E-mail address and he mails pictures of himself. (The bit about 'affairing down' seems to be accurate!)

It seemed like the 3 weeks of Plan A I had instituted was successful. I just don't know what to do now. Finding out she is still in contact with him after opening myself up to be hurt again is brutal pain.

Where do I go from here? Am I to suck it up, keep on w/ another Plan A? Do I not let her know my hurt? I am lost. Thought I had it figured out, but now I'm having trouble finding the strength and the faith to keep on trying to make this work. I am badly in need of some advice/ encouragement.

Back to square one...

Only if you still want to try to save the marriage.

It probably won't have much effect on her, but might make you feel a little better.

This isn't uncommon at all, 2B1. Very often a WS will go a short time without contact and then relapse. This might happen a few times before NC sticks.

I haven't read your sitch. Can you link it?

Dr Harley suggests that men should be able to really do a decent Plan A for up to six months and women for about 3. The difference is primarily because men rise to a challenge a little better and are more competitive to begin with (It has to do with testosterone.)

Just so you understand that recovery is a very long road, seldom does a marriage recover in under two years of both WS and BS working together on it. It can and does take much longer in some cases. So this is what you have to look forward to. Only you can decide if it's worth the effort, but if you are going to fight for your marriage, you pretty much have to put your own needs, wants and desires on hold for quite a while, even if the A ends right away.

BTW, your comment that Plan A was successful suggests that you don't fully grasp Plan A as of yet. I only say that because Plan A is all about changing you to be a better alternative than OM. It isn't about fixing the marriage or forcing NC or even ending the A. It's about you and what you do, not what she does or doesn't do.

By meeting her ENs and avoiding all love busters, you are making your own balance in her love bank grow and in so doing, raising your status above that of OM. Unfortunately, she is only accepting a small part of what you are depositing, so you have to work overtime to get the job done. And to save your marriage, you have to be willing to do this for quite a while. In fact, you pretty much have to make the changes to your self that can last the rest of your life, since you must meet her ENs and avoid love busters as part of the MB way of creating a better marriage, not just for a short time in order to end the affair. The difference is that during Plan A you do it without expecting anything in return from her at all and once in recovery, you can expect that she will be willing to reciprocate at least in part.

Mark

What do you want to do?

It's all up to you... What you can, and are willing to handle regarding her continued abuse?

Continue Plan A: Keep pressing for NC.

Calmly expain to her how much her lying, and continued contact or attempts to make contact is abusive to you and your M. At some point if boundries are set, and continue to be broken.. You have to move to plan B, or Plan D.

Whatever you do. Do not confuse Plan A with being a doormat.

-JKT

Sorry to hear that. False recoveries really sting. I've been through a few.

Like Mark said, its up to you whether you want to continue to try.

FWIW, I have only seen a handful of situations where the first attempt at NC really stuck, so I wouldn't throw in the towel.

If you are going to continue to try, you are going to have to confront her about this. Not a big arguement, but simple and to the point, expressing you feel pain when she does this and you won't live with a third person in your M. Then continue on with Plan A. Start preparing for plan B.

BTW, Did she ever write a NC letter?

2B,

So I take it you've got the phone tapped?

I don't know any of your sitch, but sounds like she is back on the crack pipe.

SHE called the low-life?

Was a formal NC letter ever sent to the low-life?

Is the low-life married? Was exposure ever done, or needed to be done? If he is married and exposure was not done THIS, OF COURSE, IS TOP PRIORITY!!

You covertly know they are back in contact and you can monitor her phone calls. Can you monitor her emails?

Plan A also has THE STICK. Time to utilize it.

Finding out she is still in contact with him after opening myself up to be hurt again is brutal pain.

I hear you brother! BRUTAL is a very good description.

You have GOT to break up the A. I missed the part about "affairing down". Does this mean she still wants to be friends with the low-life?

Keep plan A'ing your a$$ off, but you must use the stick too.

Also, if you want this brutal pain to continue do not let her know you know she broke NC.

Meaning you must confront her. You don't let her know HOW you know, but you know. Tell her you know because you can tell by her attitude TOWARD YOU! That will freak her out!!

But don't give up your spy tools. Sounds like you must keep snooping and be on alert at all times.

You have got to be reactive rather than proactive.

IMHO

kirk