My H and I are in the beginnings of recovery from his A, and all is going well.

My problem is that since I have been doing so much reading and learning, and looking inward to heal the issues in our M that I have responsibility for, I am finding that I am very conflicted.

H and I have been together off and on for about 8 or 9 yrs, M for a little over 2.


I have had one PA in the very very beginning (at about our 1mo point) of our R (we were not M), and one EA in 2003 (we were not M). I feel very badly for these, and recognized that my actions were not a true reflection of who I am. I have not done anything inappropriate since we've reconciled and gotten M. I will not do anything, and continue to safeguard my R by having strict bounderies.

H knows about the EA, and as part of our recovery I am answering questions. He *sort of* knows about the PA, but thinks it was "just a kiss, and I stopped it". My problem is this, do I come completely clean about these?

Part of me feels I must become completely transparent, since that is what I'm requesting of him.

Pretty much our R has been messed up since the beginning, and it's all my fault. I am deathly afraid of losing him, which is ironic since I chose to stay and work on our M since finding out about his...

Please help me. I am so distraught.

How far into recovery are you? When was his last contact with OW and what kind of recovery program are you in?

I can tell you that although what you did was wrong, you did not commit adultery. That may be of little consolation to your H...I don't know...but seeing someone else a month after you met him (even if it became sexual) is a far cry from infidelity.
You should always be honest with your spouse. Secrets take away from the relationship.

Has your H had an affair during the M?

I agree with everything MEDC said. My only concern is the TIMING of telling him since he just had an affair. He needs to know, but I think you need to use some caution about when you tell him.

I get the impression that your relationship has been "stormy" since you were on again/off again for so long.

So, are you in the begiing of recovery from a recent affair on his part...or something more distant? Is he still having any contact with the OW?

Do you have any children?

Do you have any contact with either person that you had an "affair" with?

My H's D-Day was about 2mos ago, last contact was well over a year ago, so not far into recovery, but I feel we are doing a really good job at it. The OW was a one-time thing, that he figured out was incredibly wrong right away, and quit mid-ummmm... whatever. He did not seek her out, but did not turn her away until his brain kicked in. She worked with him, but does not now. Their contact quit the moment he walked away from her.

He also had a PA right after our DS was born 6 1/2 years ago, again we were not M at the time.


We've been reading books, reading alot online, going to IC and one visit of MC; but no "formal" program. All discussions have been incredibly open, he's answering all of my questions, and is working hard at helping me (and himself) to heal.

When he asks me ?'s about my issues, I have not been entirely honest with him, even recently. I am afraid to tell him.

I should probably add that the reveal of the M'd A was forced upon him, but when that happened, it prompted ?'s, so that's when he came clean about the other.

I would suggest coming clean now...I think you two have an opportunity to get a fresh start. You and your H are way ahead of the curve in that you are working together, there is NC...don't recover and THEN have to spring this on him...it could cause a lot of resentment.

His A was in Sept 06.

"Do you have any children?" Yes, one, my H is the father

"Do you have any contact with either person that you had an "affair" with?"

No, I don't. I cut all contact with both before we got M'd, but the EA's mom still emails me every once in awhile, which H knows about. Both live in another Country, so there is no chance of an unfortunate meeting or (probably) discovery, unless I do it.

IMHO, you should NOT have any contcat with the mother of your "a" partner.

MEDC, that's no problem whatsoever. I don't "talk" with her, she doesn't "talk" with me, it's just forwards.

Consider it done.


I agree with the fresh start, that's why this is weighing on me so heavily; but then again, I have not betrayed our marriage vows, but then, I am still lying to him, and I don't want to do that.

One lie begets another, and it's been going on for a long time...

Agree, now would be a great time to tell him. Might as well get it all out there now while you are both focused on your marriage.

secrets are cancer to a marriage. The Policy of Radical Honesty...it doesn't leave much room for secrets.

Will your H come here?

That's what I was afraid of. I am dying, I'm so scared. I'm having a hard time to keep from crying.

This is a copy of a letter I've written to him:


I find that I’ve been doing a lot of learning, reflecting, growing, and changing lately. I find that I want to do those things, not only as a way to work at restoring and bettering our marriage, but as a way to make myself into a better person, make myself into the kind of wife that you need and want, make myself into the kind of wife that you deserve.

I love you. That statement is simple yet extremely profound to me. I’ve always known that I love you, but until recently, never really knew how much. I love you from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, from one part of my heart and soul to the other, from the beginning to the end, for always and forever. I love you enough to work for you, and to work for your love. I love you enough to be vulnerable when I am afraid, to talk with you when it’s difficult, to hold you when you’re crying, and to be held when I’m crying. I love you enough to share every bit of me with you, both the good, and the not so good. I love you enough to keep trying, even when it feels that I can try no more.

I am so very sorry that our relationship has had the ups and downs that it has, and for my part, I take responsibility. I take responsibility for the ways in which I have harmed you, harmed your self-esteem, hurt your heart, betrayed you, tested you, belittled you. These things that I have done are not fair and were unwarranted. You did nothing to me that makes my behaviors, throughout the entirety of our relationship, acceptable. I am learning, through hearing of your own shortcomings, to take responsibility for and to change my own. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, I just hope you continue to give me the opportunity.

It is because of my own deficiencies and the love, respect, and admiration that I have for you that I vow to you to give you everything that is me, for the rest of my life. To stand beside you in good times and in bad, to love and nurture you, to be a safe place for you and your feelings. I promise you that I will live by my core values and consider you in every decision I make. You are my lover, my best friend, my confidante, my husband, and I will be eternally thankful that you’ve chosen to walk this path in life, with me.



I don't want anymore secrets, I want us to be happy and safe with each other. He's not much into computers, so I don't think he'd come here, unless I showed him something specifically.

So, I guess my question now is, do I give him that before I tell him, or after?

Also, how indepth do I go? When discussing the EA in the past he tells me that he does not want details... I don't know exactly what that means.

I would say that you should not give him the letter. Only expose to him what he wants to hear. Tell him how you feel.

Don't be afraid...you are finally taking steps to make your M a safe place for both of you. Your mistakes in no way made him do what he did...you each own your actions. Tell the truth tonight...expect a storm...but it will pass. he deserves the truth now.

You will look back on this day with pride that you stood up and were honest.

Tell him the general basics of all past affairs, and offer to answer any and all questions. Then it is his choice how much he needs to know. I'd give him the letter after.

Well, I did it, and threw up right in front of him about 2/3 of the way through. He took it, and then told me that he was proud of me for coming clean. He was pretty stone-faced through it all. For that night, anyway.

Since then, I've spent all of the days doing my darnedest to be there for him. It's been a struggle. We've had one really really bad night. I was not there for him the way that I should have been, and we got really nasty to each other. We've both apologized for our roles in it.

I'm struggling with still working on my own stuff with his betrayal, and now working with his stuff on my betrayal. I am having a difficult time separating the two. He'll say "you cheated first", and then it's "at least I didn't break our marriage vows"... complete power struggle. "My hurt is worse than yours".

I am trying to break that cycle, but don't know how to steel myself against the finger pointing. He keeps saying that he was there for me for 2mos, put up with all of the he!! that I put him through, and that I expect him to be okay after five days... I don't, I'm just having a hard time juggling it all.

Any ideas on how I can remove my feelings from (what I feel) is his finger pointing? How can I find strenght to be there for him for his pain?

Try printing out the "LoveBusters" section here---or giving him the book. It's fine to acknowledge that you're hurting, even when it's because of someone else's actions. But it's not OK to do this with disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, etc. If the two of you want to build love together, those behaviors (Lovebusters) must stop. Otherwise, the good you do for each other will be negated---it's like pouring water through a sieve...

Checking back in.

I really need help dealing with all of my resentment. I can read, read, read the MB (which I have), but putting it into play is something completely different. I am still very angry. I have lessened my angry outbursts down to about once every two weeks, but am currently in one.

I really need help with my anger.