My WH has moved out to an apartment. Not sure if affair is continuing, but I know he had unprotected sex with the OW during his A. One of his EN's was SF - should I be implementing this in my Plan A? Help from anyone who has experienced this! I know it is a big need from men, what do the guys think out there? We used to have a very fulfilling sex life, but then I stopped all SF b/c of his infidelity.

I haven't really started a plan A yet in full swing either, he has been too bitter b/c I "kicked him out" but there were issues - infidelity, verbal abuse - he really quit respecting me. My problem with doing plan A is that I feel it will be an acceptance of what he has done to me. It was selfish! I need some advice with this.

Should I ask him out on a date? I don't want to pursue him and be the chaser and turn him off. I know him, and he is fully capable of going after what he wants.
I think we both need EN's met, but he is clueless as to what to do. I don't mind being the first to start though.

Thank you for any advice.

BS (me) - 37
WH - 36
OW-34

I would assume the affair is continuing. Then I would insist on STD tests before having SF with him. But that is just me. Several members here didn't mind taking the risk of contracting a fatal or lifelong disease to meet the SF EN.

I think the prevailing opinion here is do NOT have SF with him while he is having unprotected sex with the OW. Attempting to reconcile the marriage does not entail putting your own health at risk. SF should not resume until you KNOW that the affair is over and both of you have been tested for STDs. You need to look out for yourself here.

I understand what you are saying about plan A too. It can seem horribly unfair that you have to put on a happy face and be the best person you can be in order to entice someone untrustworthy back into the marriage. Plan A is really designed though, not to win him back, but to better yourself regardless of the outcome of the marriage. It has the side effect though of making you a better choice than the OW. Viewing it in that light, might make it a bit less distasteful for you.

Its hard to do a good Plan A though when he is moved out of the house. Hopefully some people who have done that here will chime in and offer some advice. I wish you the best of luck.

do not have sex with him until he has been tested for STD's. People on this very board have suffered horrible diseases as a result of a WS STD.

Meeting a need for SF while he is rngaging in sex with someone else is worse than Russian Roulette. At least your chances in that game are 1/6...STD's impact as many as 50% of affairs.

from Resilient..


From Dr Harley

Find ways to attract him without risking your life. Show him admiration but don't risk your life...or enable his cake eating.

A friend of mine from these boards, who is much missed here, is Ron53.

His WW contracted HIV and died of an aids related illness.

Ron is still screened regularly. Clear so far to my best knowledge.

I would NEVER recommend that SF during an active affair is OK.

Thank you believer, andrew, Mkeverdaycnt, bob pure!!Admiration for a cheating spouse? That is one hard pill to swallow.
Affection is another one of his EN's, mine too, so I could start with that. But since I asked him to move out, I know he will feel like I am manipulating him, if and when I start any affection. I just seriously don't want to turn him away by coming on too strong.

I will definitely insist on an STD test before I start to fulfill any SF need.
I feel in my heart that he still loves me, and I think he was just using the ex, the OW b/c he was angry at me.

I can see that Plan A is making me a better wife, with or without him. What are some ideas for fulfilling his needs since he has moved out? We never filled out the questionaire, well I did, but he didn't. I just know from conversation that listening and SF are one of his top ones...and Verbal. I thought about asking him to go to the movies.

What worked for all of you out there who did Plan A when WS had moved out? Any ideas are appreciated.

FTBM:

Recommend reading Tough Love if you get a chance, the basic idea is to let the spouse know you still want marriage with them, but setting the bar high so it is a relationship of dignity and not as the say cake-eating.

Not sure if I summarized that well but still recommend it. Dobson is the author.

Best wishes,

Thank you, yes I have the tapes, Love Must Be Tough. They do help.
My WH just has an unforgiving heart, and I can totally justify myself for being angry and doing LB's, but through counseling and one AlAnon meeting I am trying NOT to blame and just look at my own actions.
It is hard, especially when he starts the "you should have never...on and on" I could have several comebacks but I just stare into his eyes and say "Lord help us" and not say a word.

So honestly, how helpful have the alanon meetings been for you?

Very curious,

I only went to the Beginner's meeting and it wasn't very helpful. But I heard you have to attend the regular ones. I find more help in the Bible - highlighting it like crazy, and Joyce Meyers' Battlefield of the Mind and the Co-dependent No More books were awesome!

I am praying for revleation in my heart and mind, and in my husband's as well. It is so easy to point the finger for most people.

??Have you read here the comments on Marriage Builders where Dr. Harley discusses how the Co-Dependancy movement is destroying marriages???

_______________

When I came home, while I was still a WH, my wife took her hands and placed them on my cheeks, looked me straight in the eyes and said "though you may not have felt like it, I have adored you our entire marriage" this fulfilled the EN of admiration she knew I needed and she expressed it to me---This played over and over in my head for weeks and was one of many things that led to my brokeness and to my eventual recovery.
Fulfilling the EN of admiration may not be as difficult if you can reach back to Pre-A feelings as my DW was able to.
My need for Admiration ranks as high as my need for SF. She was still able to plan A me without SF.
_________

??you were at Al-Anon........is your H an alchoholic/addict??? In Recovery???

Thanks for that idea and sharing your experience. That sounds so sweet. I have to say it will be hard to find those feelings again. How did your wife do it?

Can I ask you some personal things, since you were a WH?

He was a binge drinker, but more than that is his compulsive personality and my enabling. It seemed I overfunctioned and he underfunctioned. And I tried to change him/control him to be more of the type of man I needed him to be - the leader, a loving man, a grown up! So the one AlAnon mtg helped me let go of trying to control and focus back on myself.

And no I haven't found any posts yet about codependency ruining anything. I was doing it more for my sake, and I like the results so far. It helps to learn to make boundaries when manipulative people try to take advantage.

What do others have to say about the downfall of that concept?

on the home page of MBers web sight at the bottom there is a list of articles....you will find Co-dependancy article there....I found it enlightening.

she worked here on MBers to save our marriage of 19 years.
you can read her story on her tag line link, she posts as sexymamabear.



yes

ok I just read it.
It's my belief that most people who stray are addicts of some sorts and the BS can become, in some cases, enablers and tend to have co-dependency characteristics. It's just human nature - the giver/taker mentality.

I've been in past relationships where I knew what I could get away with and in my younger years I took advantage...sad as it is, it happens.

I find joy in giving, especially to someone I love, but it was needed and healthier for me to put up boundaries with him. I still love him, but I can't tolerate some of his behaviors that were abusive. Me asking him to move out was a step in the right direction, but he took it as rejection and went flying to the OW's arms - she offered him a place to stay and he was there for about 2 months before recently getting his own place.

My WH doesn't SEE what he is doing. He is very much a taker and when he gives, it's "Where's my gold star"? That is why my prayers have been so specific - please Lord, I practically beg him to show my husband what he has done, to reveal it in his heart, to give him a forgiving heart, to let him mind, thoughts and actions align with the Word of God, that he will repent and be a changed man, oh the list goes on.
I wish I had someone pray for me the way I have prayed for my WH. I'm sure most BS's feel the same.

So if I may ask, why did you cheat?

My W turned to on our christian friends and exposed my A.
She had so many people praying after that, and I beleive it carried her through.


If you go to MBers home page again and look for quick links heading on lower right side, click "The Beginning" and read on from there. I beleive you will find more helpful reasons why affairs happen than anything I could add......My why's were lies and you need helpful MBers why's....

I just read most of your posts and WOW, I am so proud of you!! All of us BS's would pray thanksgiving for a WS to come back and be accountable like you have done. Way to go!!

I need to jump on here for just a moment. I prayed my wh back and he is now a walking with God christian and I'm eternally grateful.......BUT he also gave me gonnorhea, herpes and warts after his A because I was so desparate to fill his needs and erase her. My doc also said there is a strain of syphillis that is resiliant to meds and that HIV runs hand in hand with gonnorhea. SO, we spent the next entire year being tested before we were declared clean. Our marriage took a beating. It's been almost 5 years and we don't think of that everday anymore, but it will always lurk in the background as something to avoid at all costs. And I thank God for my marriage, husband, and really don't feel I could survive that kind of hurt again. Blessings to you in your walk through this.