I posted before in the emotional needs, but this area seems to get much more traffic, so I was hoping to get some more advice here. A bit of background first. I have been married for seven years, all of which have been mostly unhappy for both of us. We met and did a long distance relationship for only a year and then married, spending the first seven months of marriage apart and once living together finding it hard to adjust to each others habits and personalities. I believe he has stuck with it till now due to not having anywhere else to go or the strength to step up and take control of his life. I have stayed because I do believe in the vows I took and just dealt with it how it was, not knowing (or I guess at times even caring) how to make an effort to really make it better, and also was self centered due to my own emotional problems and depression (which recently am doing much better with). So last month he tells me that when he gets home next December (is deploying to Afganistan) he is moving out. That the marriage is never going to work and he doesn't want to spend the next seven years unhappy and then be looking to start over. I asked him to reconsider and he said he didn't know. He said he doesn't love me anymore and fell in love with me in the first place for all the wrong reasons (didn't want to be alone). He admits that he has seen a difference in me recently (I am doing much better with my OCD and this leave me much happier in general and less selfish) but thinks it is too little too late. He left for out of state training last week and will be home for a week over Christmas, then back to training till Feb and then off to Afganistan till next December. We didn't talk about this again before he left. I wasn't sure if I should bring it up. One, because he asked for space and also because I was afraid of the answer being that he decided it is over.

My question is do you think I should approach the subject when he is home over Christmas? It is hard not knowing what he is thinking. Also, I don't know how to make some financial decisions due to this. If we seperate we will have to sell the house and therefore I don't want to make purchases this year for stuff that we only need if we continue to own our house (snowblower and mower being the main two). But again I am afraid to bring the subject up and he tell me it is over. I want to support him while he is gone and hopefully show him that I am changing, but it will be really hard to do that knowing that he isn't committed to me anymore and planning to divorse me when he gets home. I am just very confused and since right now he doesn't act like things are different I don't know if I want to ask and find out they still are and deal with those emotions every day he is gone. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.

Hi lit1022.

Have you read everything on this site? Ordered the books?? There are great resources to learn what makes a marriage work. One is the 'Rule of Time'---the need to spend 15 hours/week of quality time with your spouse. Time where you each meet each other's most important emotional needs. It sounds like you don't have the ability to do this easily with the separations, so you're working with a difficult situation.

It sounds like you're making a little progress with regards to getting treated for OCD---and he's noticing. So how about stepping up the effort? Eliminate lovebusters (I see disrespectful judgements in your note---assuming you know what your spouse thinks/feels). Are there needs that you're not meeting of his that you could do a better job with? And how about what he could be doing better for you.

Seeing that you don't have much time together, I'd put off the heavy 'do you want to try' discussions, and instead, just try on your own. See if you can get him interested in the new, more attentive, less lovebusting you. Give him a reason to think that there is hope for the marriage. You could do this with the help of the Harley's through phone counseling (I always highly recommend it), but you might be able to work this out for yourself.

And don't make any financial decisions with regard to this. A shovel works nearly as well as a snowblower. I've got a couple goats I can loan you instead of a mower (they're puff-tacular with their winter coats...). I suggest that should he come home asking for a divorce, that you simply say that it's not what you want, point him towards counseling here with you, and act the part of being committed to the marriage.

Please read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley, ASAP. If your M was based on selfish needs, then you both ought to work to change that. Take then EN questionnaire and ask if he would also. Let him know it c/b very revealing to him.

All that time apart would affect any R and M. Go back to your 1st post on this thread and change the title to something like Deployed Soldier's W asking for help. Maybe RIF or another military MBer can help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Thanks for the replies. I am doing a lot of reading on this site and so many of things (like love busters and love banks especially) are helping me understand how we got to this point. I haven't talked to him at all about this site or any marriage help (other than saying when he first told me about separating that we couldn't do marriage therapy now due to the deployment, but would be a good idea when he got back - didn't really get a comment that I remember on what he thought of that). I don't want to say too much and make him feel I am pushing anything on him, especially when I am understanding better (this will be our second deployment) that he needs to focus on his job over there and not have distractions from home (he has told me this). But maybe I could ask him to fill out the EN questionnaire, just stating that I would like to better understand what he needs from me while he is deployed. I don't think it would be a good idea under our circumstances to ask him to consider my EN's right now, not that I don't want or need them to be met. But with the frailty of our marriage right now and him getting ready to head to Afghanistan he just doesn't have the time or energy (even if he had the want to) to work on that. I am sure I will get frustrated over the next year dealing with this, but I am doing it now and figure it is just what I have to do if I want to show him that I am really changing and willing to make his needs a priority.

Any suggestions on how to stop always trying to determine what he is thinking/feeling and why. I never looked it at it before as disrespectful judgments. Half the time he doesn't know what he is thinking or feeling (not a personal judgment, his own admission) and he has many issues from his childhood that although he see a therapist doesn't seem to make much headway on (okay, that is a personal judgement). I know that he has a lot to sort through and deal with, but hasn't reached a point where he is at all comfortable with who he is and just isn't happy (again his own words). I constantly analyze everything in my life including my husband, so I really don't know how to step back from that and just wipe the slate clean on all I have observed and concluded from his behaviors and the things he has told me. Does this make sense? I could see how if he was open to working on our marriage, I could ask him to talk more to me about his inner thoughts and feelings and attempt to not make conclusions of my own, but until he makes such a decision I don’t know how to attempt to stop doing this.

I know that the snow blower purchase really shouldn’t be important. That is my overly focused thinking and extreme financial planning taking over. But, just so you don’t think I am lazy and unwilling to work, I did shovel for ½ an hour last night and got only about 1/6 of the driveway done, with eight inches of wet heavy snow it really wasn’t feasible for me to do it all and they are calling for another 12" this weekend. I just hate paying someone to plow for me and over a few years of doing that would cost the same as the snow blower and then you would at least have something for your money spent. Anyway, I know not a big deal in the overall big picture of life, just my OCD messing with me.

lit1022,

I feel the same way about snow. But my drive is a 1/4 mile, and it's easier to pay someone to plow versus buying a blower for my tractor...

You can certainly try to figure out what he's feeling and thinking---but you don't want to put attributes on it (especially verbally). You can always ask him. He's not likely to share with you (and he may not even be able to articulate it himself). But provide a safe environment where he doesn't feel judged or pressured, and this will help.

The deployments are stressful. There's no doubt about that...