I was wondering if someone could help me out on a situation if I'm wrong or how I should handle this? There seems to be great advice here. I will try and explain, my H and I have been arguing about this for the last week and I feel hurt. Ok years ago while we were dating H was jealous and controlled everything I did, what I could and couldn't do, who with ect.I never gave him a reason to distrust me. He is NOT like that now and hasn't been like that for the last 17 years. I know he was absolutely wrong for doing that and was unhealthy for our relationship but I loved him and hoped he would change which he did. Ok to today. H told me a little over a year ago he had a one night stand less than a year after we were married, I was devastated and now have trust issues myself. He promised me that he would never do anything that made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe now I somewhat control what he does. Last weekend he wanted to go dirtbike riding with a friend I could not go. He knew I was uncomfortable with it, I know it's an innocent thing, I guess what makes me uncomfortable is there are females out there and he in the past years has "hooked" up with other riders, he says he has never hooked up with females but there is that chance when people ride in groups. He argued with me and said there was nothing wrong with him going, nothing would happen (in my opinion there is no innocent or safe place, affais can happen anywhere). I argued back that I did everything he wanted me to do and not to do when he used to control everything I did, he just argued back I'm not like that anymore. I said but you didn't have a reason to do that, I do, you have given me a reason to not trust you. Well he went anyways, and this was after he promised me he wouldn't do anything that made me uncomfortable. I guess I feel like he didn't care about my feelings. I know I need to rebuild some trust and he has done all the right things as far as rebuilding trust. So am I wrong to bring up the past in how he treated me even though it was wrong? am I right to be angry and should I be angry with him for doing it anyways? Thanks

Dr. Harley usually says it's not a good idea to bring up the past. I think it's considered one of the enemies of good conversation.

HOWEVER, your H is engaged in Independent Behavior, one of the Love Busters. You explained to him that you were not comfortable with him going riding without you. Yet he went anyway. It is not unreasonable for you to be angry about this. If the two of you were following the PoJA then he would not have gone without you and, using negotiation, the two of you should come up with a solution you are both enthusiastic about.

Two things: First, when your H went dirtbiking after you expressed how unhappy you felt about it, he basically showed you that he cared more about his own happiness than your peace of mind. Now, in his defense, unless he's on board with the POJA, he probably sees it as you showed you don't want him to be happy becuase you asked him not to go.
The difference is that when didn't ask him not to do any activity that would bring him pleasure, just this one activity this one time. He could have done something else that you wouldn't have minded. So, it's not the same.

All that said, I suspect you all didn't spend adequate time brainstorming ways you might be able to enthusiastically agree on him going dirt biking. For example, what if he only went for 3 hours and came straight home? What if he called you half way through? You might have been able to agree to him doing that then. Or how about if he wore a tee-shirt with "Love of my Life" printed in bold letters above your picture. In the picture you could be brandishing a machine gun. This would be a clear way off saying "Hands off."

Thanks to both of you for your responses. That's exactly how I see it as he cared more about riding than my feelings. I mean he told me over and over that he would not do anything that made me uncomfortable and he hasn't ever until this one time. Usually when he rides our daughter goes with him or we all go. He used to go all the time by himself, or usually with a group of his friends until I found out about his ons. I don't know alot about Dr. Harley's stuff yet so I will need to read up on it. But am I wrong to "prevent' him from doing something he really likes? I know i have to some how and somewhere start to rebuild trust. His whole things was I asked you to go, you couldn't and he needed to tryout the suspension on his bike because it was just done and since riding this time of year is hit or miss it could be awhile before he could go again so he needed to see if it was ok before too much time passed. Plus like I said his arguing about nothing will happen it's innocent.

Greengables, well he does go right there and back as far as I know, he calls me when he gets withing cell service but unfortunately out in the woods he can't call. I shoul clarify he went with a married friend he didn't go "alone".
I just feel very hurt and angry and I have been angry with him and I think that is a love buster?? But how do I show him or tell him how it hurt, I think he knows because he has been extra nice to me and he said that next time he goes he will take our trailer because that was the biggest reason I didn't go it was 30 degrees out there. So I just don't know how to show him I love and respect him when I feel he didn't do that for me, or do I give him a break since he hasn't done this before? I'm just afraid it will come up again and I know it will, I can't always go with him or our daughter? Do I just trust, I feel so confused, I dont' want t be angry at him. Thanks again I know I must sound wo confused

Well, you do love him and respect him, and it was just this once.

You can say "I felt really hurt and angry when you went riding after I told you how upset I was." Then, be quiet. He knows, he's sorry.

Next time, brain storm this more throughly. Like taking the trailer, plus a thermal blanket, etc.

If I had to guess, the one fling he had years ago scared him straight, gave him great guilt, and taught him to not ever do anything to put himself in that position again. You could say it leveled the playing field; before that, he didn't trust you, which is why he controlled you. Once he had the fling, he was filled with guilt and realized he didn't have the right to distrust you, when he did what he most feared. Unless there's something wrong with your M, I think you have nothing to worry about, and he probably sees it that way, too. Now that you know about the incident years ago, you're still newly sore about it but it's way in the past for him; therefore, your jealousy issue is fairly unfounded, to him.

Sure, he could have POJA'd with you. But he's not here, learning how to do that. Doesn't even know what that means. So he went out anyway, because you were being unnecessarily jealous or nervous when he told you he wasn't doing anything.

Of course, that could all be BS and he's wandering. But it doesn't sound like it. I'd back off and give him the trust you wanted at the beginning, so he'll feel more like negotiating with you.

Thanks catperson, that is my hope that it only happened the one time. If it wasn't that time, I had suspisions another time shortly after his ons (but I didn't know about the ons). He apparently let a neighbor girl into our home while I was at work, late at night. She came over. He never told me about it, I knew she was after my h but him being mr. nice guy couldn't tell her to back off and claims she just came in, well if it were innocent then why not tell me right? Well I almost left at that time, but he insisited nothing happened and at that time I figured since she was the one that came to me and told me that she was at my house when I was gone, I figured knowing she was trying to cause trouble she would have told me that they were intimate if they had been, So I believed him, but I was packing to leave, had I known about his infidelity, I would have left I believe, so that scared him too. Never any suspicions after that, but did find out that on the dirtbike forum he goes on, a female asked if anyone could go riding, it was in the middle of summer, he responded with when and times he could go, then ended it with telling her he could wear shorts and a tank top, when I saw that like a year later he claims it was a joke and never hooked up with her, but if it were a joke he wouldn't have told her the times and days he could go he would have gotten straight to the joke. So there have been other times that make me wonder. I know that he is and has done everything to try and rebuild the tust so I will back off like you said and try and give him a little more trust. Thanks for you advise it helps alot

Well...that changes things a little. While I'd say you have a 50/50 chance of it being innocent, I think I'd be a little more careful considering the other incidents. It may be that he just likes the thrill of flirting and never goes forward, but that doesn't mean he won't. Just be smart, keep doing MB stuff, and don't be the cause of anything. And above all, work on reaching total honest communication about everything in your life. You need to be best friends.

catperson, what do you mean when you said I should be more careful considering the other incidents? Like I should pursue it more? He has completely denied anything happening, as far as the girl he invited into the home, we had seen her on a few occassions after we moved from there (and fast) because we were friends with her brother, I think that if something had happened he would have worried about us seeing her and would have avoided it for fear she would start or say something. I don't know what more I can do at this point but to go forward from now. Thanks again for you help

I'm no expert, but from what I've read, it sounds like your H gets off on the attention. He feels better just by knowing that other girls still find him attractive. It's very possible nothing else has happened, but he still seems to have some innate need to be 'appreciated' by the opposite sex. That could use some decent counseling to find out why and how to get around it. So that it doesn't go the next step.

Even if the girl who came to your house didn't do anything, or he didn't let her, he still liked knowing that he was still attractive to the opposite sex. Here's a deep secret. I was married 1 or 2 years, attending night college, around 22, 23 years old. A male in one class started talking to me. It met a lot of needs for me, with my low self esteem, etc. I let him keep talking to me, even 'forgot' to wear my wedding ring to class on purpose, just to feed on that good vibe I got from knowing that a male would find me appealing enough to want to talk to me. When it got far enough that I thought he was going to ask me out, I came to the next class wearing my wedding ring. Really pissed him off, that I had led him on. But that feeling...knowing it wasn't just a fluke that my H found me attractive...I really needed it.

Your H may be in the same situation. You guys really need to talk honestly. See if he's getting all his needs met. Read all the stuff here. See if you're doing any LBing. Be the best you can be. Make it a good marriage, so there won't be any other situations.

catperson, I can say that without a doubt he was like this during our dating years. I was young(I know not an excuse) but I believed everything he told me when I had doubts with things he did, being he was so jealous I read that as a sign that he really loved me and would never do that to me, how wrong I was. Finally I saw and left him due to all this for a year before we got married and truly thought he had changed and then got back together married a year after that. We had a great marriage so I thought. But since the neighbor girl incident I NEVER suspected anything, but I completely trusted him never saw anything unless he became good at hiding it. I can say that we had a good marriage. All I can hope is that he's telling me the whole truth and that he hasn't kept anything else from me and work like you said from here on out. It is a scary thought though thinking that he could be that way needing the attention of the opposite sex even if it weren't to lead elsewhere. I know this is not necessarily a bad trait but he likes to feel needed and wanted and likes to know he's helped someone out, he is very friendly, he is this way with guys so it's not just like a female thing but with his job ect. he'll go out of his way for people, so it makes me a little afraid that it could go too far with a female. Thanks for sharing you story with me, & I have to say that I haven't gone that far but when I lost some weight I felt good when I saw a man turn his head at me, mainly because I didn't feel attractive to my h and he didn't make me feel attractive, he wasn't mean but never said anything to show I looked good. Thanks again