Told the W I'm leaving today - question is do I leave before Christmas? We have three kids that are going to be crushed - should I allow them to have a nice Christmas even though it will all be a lie? or do I leave now and let Christmas come and hopefully cheer them up a little after the blow?

Thanks for advise

Why are you leaving your marriage and your family?

LA

PS--Welcome to MarriageBuilders...have you read all the articles here?

Thanks - I've been lurking around here for about 6 months - been trying to 3 years after an affiar of hers to regain trust and reconnect - etc... she has no interest in the marriage or reconnecting so I'm leaving... obviously it's a long drawn out story which I'm not going to get into <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why aren't you filing for separation and asking for her to leave? Do you think her wayward state of mind is healthy for your children? Leaving your kids with her is your only alternative?

I think you have more choices than that. Three years...how old are your kids now? Did you tell them about the A? About rebuilding? Any MC locally or with the Harley's?

I'm not telling you you're wrong...it's been three years in recovery for me, as well, and I just hit a hole in the last two months I didn't imagine could be there. Still surprises along this road, I believe.

LA

I have asked for her to leave - basically she tells me that it's going to be a major battle for that...

I didn't tell anyone about the A - my mistake I know that now - kids are 6yo son and 11yo daughter and a 16yo stepson

we've tried MC before - right after the affair - but she ends up not "liking" the counselor so she stops going (tried 3)

for the record - she is not currently hainv an affair - but she's had several "emotional" ones since and she refuses to stop putting herself in that environment (she goes out every week to a bar til 3am in a "no husbands allowed" kinda deal) I have followed her several times and every time I find her with men - not doing anything but still after all the affairs you'd think she'd stop tempting herself....

Holidays are stressful. If you can fake it, or you and your wife can follow some ground rules, I'm for staying in the house. (Also, you might want to check with your lawyer before you leave the house. In some states, that means you've abanndonned the home)

Are you separating in hope of saving the marriage? Or is this a separation because you're filing the divorce papers tomorrow? I was a little unclear.

Also, do you have a plan on where you're going? How and when the kids will see you? I really think you should get that nailed down before you leave the house.

Not exposing the A has it's consequences...I know you now regret not doing so. Did you inform OMW?

If not, please do it now.

Did you expose to WW's GF's that she goes out with until 3am? Tell them why they are helping to harm your marriage that your WW attacked with her A? Most folks do NOT want to help their friends self-destruct...most of the time, they are uninformed.

Sounds to me like your first question is about honesty...and my advice is like GG's...so, be honest. Really honest with yourself and others. That's the healthiest thing you can do for your children.

"I'm leaving because of my own fear. I fear every time your Mom goes out she will have another affair. She hasn't rebuilt my trust nor worked on our marriage. She remains vulnerable and I remain in the dark. I'm leaving you in her untrustworthy hands, knowing she will continue to do this."

Be honest...unless you think by leaving you'll be stopping her from going out until 3am?

You've chosen to drain your own love bank over the years, feeding your resentment, backing yourself into a corner. Take on the fight for your children, to lead by example...that what you cherish, you fight for. Understand how a lot of what you were fighting these last three years was yourself...how much did you really change? How well did you learn about boundaries, where to place them, both personally and maritally, and healthy boundary enforcements?

Recovery is really hard...I know you know that. You've been in incredible pain, frustration and fear. Resentment blocks out loving feelings...closes the love bank.

I would stay, file the papers, with your lawyer requesting she move out...I would up your sharing and honesty, act from your code, boundaries go around you, so your pain through the divorce is lessened, and your children learn how to fight well for what is right and NOT react from their feelings.

Since your WW has already exampled that lesson many times.

It's contagious.

I remember.

LA

I'd temper LA's advice with age appropriate honesty for the children.