I know this as fog babble but I am sick to death of hearing it. I've tried to explain how this can't be true a few times but I get met with the same response every time, "I would leave you even if there was no OM" I've taken to just saying, "I know you feel that way" but I'd love to hear if anyone has better retorts or experiences...
-JC

My WW told me that two days ago. I know where your comming from.

My W-STBXH said that too. The worst thing was that he actually convinced MIL this was true. I understand that it is fog-babble, but how come she couldn't see it for what it was? She found out about OW only days after I did which was only 2 weeks before they moved in together!!!!!

Aside from my MIL, does ANYBODY believe this crap??? Before all this happened to you when you were still innocent to the lying ways of WS's, did you ever meet someone going through the same thing saying that the reason for the breakup was not the OP and you believed them??? I'm pretty sure I never have (believed them, that is) and I was quite naive and trusting before my d-day. Doesn't anybody else think they are rediculous when they say this?

Heard that a few times. There aren't really any great responses, as generally the WS is not listening.

My response, "Odd, that you were unable to come to that conclusion until you met the OM. But I'm willing to test your hypothesis. Why not try ending contact with OM for six months and see if you feel the same way?"

Didn't work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

On D-Day, my FWW told me that her A with the OM had nothing to do with our M, and our M was "over" long before she started anything with the OM.

When we did the timeline thing, it turned out that, not less than a week after she choosing out and receiving a new wedding ring (her old one was lost) and going through the dedication and blessing ceremony, she was scr*wing with the OM for the first time in our marital bed. She even eventually admitted that she felt our M was getting better at the time she started the A with the OM.

IMO, there's very little that you can say to an active WW that would convince them that their version of reality is bizarre. They need to *justify* their choices, and to do this they will resort to rewriting history.

Only after the A is over and withdrawal complete do you really have the opportunity to revisit the events in your M and let them come to the conclusions that you know already.

JC and TMTS,

Typical. Right from the script...

Wayzilla said the exact same thing along with the famous "I've been unhappy for years."

She told me how hard and how long she had worked to fix the marriage and I asked why that hard work did not include mentioning anything to me. I got a blank stare.

She must have lost that page of the script.

I heard it, too.

I think Waywards are so messed up that they actually believe it. They have to justify their actions, if only to theirselves.

With respect to trying to get a wayward to see the truth, you might as well try teaching economics to a wall.

My H said the same thing. Problem is, he still says it.

Now, he did finally admit that he "wouldn't have left when he did" had it not been for the OW, but that he would have left supposedly after I finished school. The other problem was, he never told me that in the first place.

I also found it odd that he gave me his grandmother's diamond ring a month before his affair started. He gave it to me as a christmas gift. When my mother asked him what he wanted for Christmas that year, he replied "I don't need anything. I have Mopey. She completes me". Sooooooo, you could imagine my blindsidedness when he told me two months later that "he didn't love me and doesn't think he ever did". Talk about crazy making.

He says now that what he was thinking was that if our marriage didn't improve by the time I graduated, that he was going to leave anyway. And keep in mind that he played on the computer 24/7, no kiddidng, during this time, for years. Now I guess he thought the marriage would improve by osmosis or something.

I personally think for the most part that most WSs don't plan on leaving beforehand. Not really anyway. I'm just not sure. Hard to read waywards SOMETIMES.

Anyway, thanks for starting this thread. I'm supposed to be doing other things right now but I've been having a bad few days and it helps to come here and talk.

JC,

I am SUCH a beginner in completely accepting and understanding that our WW spew nothing but babble. If you can, read Orchid's threads on reverse babble language and ask her questions on how to respond if you need more guidance.

She is a master and one SMART LADY in this area, among others. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good luck.

I also wanted to add that when my H told my mother that "I completed him", I honestly felt he was lying and I had no idea why he said that. My H and I didn't have a good marriage. Like I said, he played on the computer literally 24/7. I'm willing to bet there was some OW helping to "complete him" online even when he said that.

I do believe my H when he says that he would have left me after I graduated, regardless if there was an OW or not. But that was just us.

Yes, WW gave me the classic 'It's not about OM.' Plus, when I exposed to her family, FIL basically told me that OM was just a symptom, not a cause. That I should stop spying and solve the real problems, whatever they were.

And I also know what you're talking about with the 'unhappy for years' bit. I asked her why, if she was truly so unhappy for so long, didn't she ever tell me? Her answer was because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. 'How awful would it be for me to say that to you?' Uh, yeah, cheating on me was definitely a better choice...?

Then she rewrote history all the way to the beginning and said she never wanted to get married to me in the first place and I had forced her into it. Hmm, I don't recall owning a shotgun...

When that wasn't enough she said she was unhappy the whole time and just didn't realize it until now. Gee, doesn't that contradict when she said she didn't want to tell me she was unhappy for fear of hurting me?

Again, the OP has nothing to do with any of this! Right...

I'm guessing that if I were ever to ask her about all these statements now, she'd say 'I don't remember saying any of that'

There is truth to this. I eventually learned that the OWH found out about the A 2 weeks before me - OW had come home with hickeys all over her neck. At that moment, their M was over and he told her to leave. There were 2 weeks during which my WH was acting a little "off", but I stupidly thought it had to do with work because a bunch of people were getting transferred and some guy got fired right around the same time. I know now that those 2 weeks were him getting enough nerve to say something to me.

Is there a website somewhere with these babble lines? How is it they are virtually identical, yet there's no way ALL of these WS's know each other?

rprynne, I tried that one too - didn't work for me either. "If it has nothing to do with it, then stop right now until we're divorced and we'll see."

chrisner, I got the "for years" line as well but your post made me smile, picturing that blank stare that I know so well on the face of WW when confronted with actual, working logic.

SkinsGal, read the reverse babble threads I could find from Orchid - that's in part why I began this thread since I couldn't find that in her examples. She is a genius <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-JC

I won't go that far.... not a genuis, just don't like to listen to WS babble. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Ok, so the WS says what again? Let's give it the ol' RB try.

L.

Ok Orchid, give these a go... they are probably easy for you...

"I would still be leaving if the OM wasn't in the picture"

"I need to have some space"

"I married you because I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time, because everybody else was getting married" (But she then says that she doesn’t regret marring me... go figure.

"I don't think I can get those feelings back for you"

"I love him and I don't want to give him up"

"We got together at a young age and I feel that I missed out on something" She won't come straight out and say that she missed out on sleeping around.

I love it when Orchid gets material to work with. Then I get to learn some more.

Keep it coming, please. It's helping us all.

SG

Let me try one...Please???

"Why don't we see if you still feel that way after 6 months of NC..."



"Why don't we see if you still feel that way after 6 months of NC..."

No, I don't think it is a universal line, but it might be pretty close to one. It certainly applies to both of these, IMO.

One of my tactics early on was to say "We can always get a divorce if this doesn't work out, but there's plenty of time for that and only one chance to make this work." I said that line so often I could recite it in my sleep, and probably did, once I began actually sleeping. It's really probably as foggy as the things she said at the time, but it always seemed to stop the bleeding at any given moment.

Mark

TMTS,

Mark's rb is good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I will give it a shot in the morning. It is late, even out here.

Gotta get some beauty sleep or I will be ug-ga-ly in the morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Like the others stated, this is classic FOGBABBLE. The Titantic is sinking and she trying to divert your attention to the peeling paint in the girl's bathroom. Don't let it bother you; it does not good to try and reason with a foghorn anyway.