I would be interested in peoples thoughts!
I hope you can follow my ramblings and make sense of my situation
I am 53 and my wife is 54

About 8 years ago my wife (of 22 years at that time) had an affair with her boss at work, I should have seen the signs but I trusted her completely and so ignored them. When I did fine out I was devastated. But didn’t want to rush into separating and so we stayed together. At this time my wife was not sorry she had an affair, in fact she said she was sorry it was over, she wouldn’t go to counseling, at first I went on my own and then she eventually agreed but only on her own. (with one joint session)
When I first found out about the affair (but I didn’t know who it was with), the affair stopped, but she started to see her boss again and the affair went on for about 2 years in total.
The affair only stopped because her boss left the company and wouldn’t make an effort to she her outside of work. My wife was devastated, and felt used for sex because it was convenient. At this time she was very depressed and wanted nothing really to do with me, she told me that marriage sucks and I am not her type anyway, and she would never marry again. She said that her life is over as there is nothing worth living for.
At this time she booked plastic surgery because she thinks she looks old and old people get nothing in life.
She moved out of the house for about 5 months (in 2003) but still came over to see me regularly probably because she didn’t really have many friends and even less money. She was even staying the night,
Despite all this I have always thought that we got on well and never really argued, but I now realize I was obviously not meeting her emotional needs.
At the end of the 5 month of separation it was her 50th birthday and I booked a surprise cruise for us, something I had always wanted to do but my wife was never keen because she heard that there is lots of food on cruises and she is paranoid about her figure. (She is only 54 kg and about 5’4”) so very slim
But we both had a really good time and have been on cruises since.
Since she has been back she has not wanted to be anything other than brother and sister, something I find hard to cope with. She always goes to pubs on a Friday night with her girlfriends often until 3am.
Because she says she doesn’t love me and she is not happy I no longer tell her I love her, I did get her a valentine’s card this year but she threw it in the bin without opening it. (There was $100 in it for a holiday she was going on with her girlfriends) something I wasn’t keen on as I would like to have our holidays together.
She also throws away all her birthday cards.
Just after the holiday she moved out again, and has been gone for 6 months now.
However she still calls around almost every week, last week she said she wanted to come and see the dogs, the week before it was to wash her car! But she is happy to stay for tea and watch a DVD or similar, and we get on well.
A couple of years ago I downloaded an e-book about marriage and it said a woman never leaves a happy husband, so I have made a point of being happy and never arguing with her, not that we argued anyway, it was more a point of always staying cheerful and happily accepting that whatever she wanted to do was OK by me.
Through all this I have always thought that she was depressed and so she couldn’t relate to me, and just wants to be left alone…. there is no way she will seek any help.
I have always thought that are biggest problem was her being depressed and her thinking she is to fat, old and ugly (her words… I always tell her I think she is beautiful) although less now as she tells me I am not good looking. She spends most of her time in front of the mirror and walks out of pubs if she thinks they are too bright. I have known her to be in tears if she is caught in a bright shopping centre!

After 6 months of separation I am OK on my own and have a good social life.
In fact she accused me of going out to much and not caring for the dogs properly (I make them sleep outside… we live in a Mediterranean climate). Dogs that I never wanted but she left me with.

My question is…. Should I tell her to stop coming over to see me (or the dogs) or should I still see her.
On the one hand I see her coming over as a way of getting points in the love bank and maybe us turning things around.
But If I stop her coming over and have no more contact it may also work well and make her think that she cant be separated and have me to call on when she feels lonely.

I would really like to hear comments on this

topper=baker

WW=cake eater

topper,

The board is very slow on the weekends, but don't worry, some of the vets will be over soon to help you.

I don't really want to offer any advice, because I am new here also. Although Cymanca, I have no idea what that is supposed to mean..especially the topper=baker bit, but anyways...

I will tell you to read all you can on this site and the posts that are already on the board through the weekend and see what you can learn from those for now.

Welcome to MB and so sorry you are here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Hi resonance
thanks for the reply.
I think the topper = baker bit meant that I am making the cake and my wife is eating it, without putting any effort into things.
I have found this site really informative.
I really believe I have tried everything as a 'mere male' but my ex seems to think life is over and there is no point in anything.

Sounds like it's time for Plan B, unless you want to find yourself in the same situation (or worse) years from now while your WW continues to cake-eat.

Well, I think it is fine to be civil to your ex. But you sound like a really nice guy. Some wonderful woman is looking for someone like you. And believe me, a friendly ex-wife in the picture isn't going to earn you any points.

get rid of this free loader. She isn't worth your time or effort.

Yeah, I got it right after I saw your screen name again. Sorry about that! I guess in my case, newbie = DUH!

I gotta agree with MEDC, though. The throwing away of the card without reading it is really mean. And you are enabling her to continue her bad behavior by giving her money to go clubbing.

If she doesn't like the way you handle her dogs, tell her to take them with her or find someone else to take them if she can't!

Until she is willing to get help for her self-esteem issues (crying over bright lights-WOW), I don't know how you can help her on your own. Give Plan B a try if you want to. Plan A has worked in your favor (with your social life, etc), but being separated for six months...it might be time for more than separation status..? Just IMO...

Good grief - I missed the part about the cards.

Why on earth would you want to rebuild a relationship with a woman like that?

ManInMotion
I guess you are right, however after 30 years of marriage I am finding it hard to seperate completly, we have 2 kids although they are grown up and left home now, and all the financial side of it makes it worth trying as it wasn't always bad. But I guess there is a limit..
WW came over yesterday as she gets the dogs washed once a month but she stayed at my place till I got home from work, I had to go out within 15 min of getting home so I didnt have a chance to talk to her much, and I always try to keep it to small talk happy talk, She really doesnt look happy at all and is not eating properly.
I would still like to hear peoples opinions on wether I am better to keep seeing her and try to build up the love bank or tell her to stop coming over!

You need to go to plan B. It appears she is just using for finacial support.

Tell her (that is if you want to recover) what you need from her. And ask her what she needs to be married to you.

Then state that until she is willing to meet your needs and allow you to meet her needs that you must have no contact with her because it is to painful for you to keep seeing her this way.

Thanks for that good advise "TheRoad" I appreciate it

I was planning on spending Christmas day with WW and my son that lives close by as it has all been arranged. and then going to plan B. My plan was to say that it is to upsetting for me to keep seeing her and so I want a period of no contact. as I suspect that if I just ask her to stop coming over she will get annoyed and tell me it is her house as well and I cant keep her away from the dogs etc etc....

BTW I dont support her financially anymore. she works part time and shares a flat with a collegue.

Resonance
I guess you are right about me financing her going out.
I never really thought about it that way as she used her own money, although I was never happy with her not fully contributing to the household finances (except she paid for food) and she kept the rest of her income to herself, for clothes and going out with her circle of friends clubbing etc.

the current situation....
She called over to get the dogs washed on Tuesday and stayed at the house until I got home from work, I guess she pays for the dogs to be washed so she feels she is doing something towards them... I don't think I was surprised that she stayed at the house until I got home.
I must say she doesn't look happy at all, her moving out doesn't seem to have helped her find happiness.

She told my son that she isn't eating properly and feels lost and that she has no family.. so I asked her out to tea tonight as I hate to see her so unhappy.

After doing a lot of reading on this web site I have realized that there are an awful lot of people in my situation (or worse) and after all these years of difficulty it is really good to finally find some help on this matter, and talk to people that have or are going through similar.

I think I have been implementing some kind of plan A for quiet a while now, but as I think WW problems are also image and depression related, possibly because the A made her feel used, I never really got anywhere with improving the marriage. but also I guess I hadn't found this web site for the help I needed.

I definitely plan on going to plan B after Christmas and will let you know how I go.

In a marriage there should be no "his stuff, her stuff." So, her using her money for going out, while you pay all of household bills is the same as her using your money. Maybe some people would not agree with me on that point, especially people who have been married before and want to protect themselves "the next time." But my feeling with that is, then why marry again?

Anyways, ask yourself what YOU want. Do you really want her back? You said you have a great life outside of her, partially b/c of how long she has been gone. Decide what is best for you, and what you really want before you plan your strategy, K?

Take care!

Thanks for the reply LaLa

I have read your story and it sounds like you have been through a lot.
When I found out about my WW's PA I was devastated and couldn't concentrate on work or anything really and was very 'clingy' to her which I know was the wrong thing to do but logic seems to go out the window.
I have had a long time now to get over it and as she has wanted to live like brother and sister for a few years now we have tended to drift apart. this has also given me time to get my own circle of friends so that now she has actually gone it wasn't really such a big deal. I think I had got used to how things were and would have just carried on.

Do I want her back? not realy sure, definitly not if it was the way it was before she left.
I would insist that we go through Dr Harleys ideas and concepts.

WW came over for tea last night, my son also came over and and the 3 of us had a very good night, but we have always got on well.
She is just not happy. but whatever I do makes no diference .
I still plan on asking for no contact after the Christmas break, I think this will help her realise the consequences of her decision and also help me to move on, I wonder if I am meeting her EN by letting her 'visit' once a week and then she can go back her her 'den' and wallow in her depression.

Apparently it rarely does.

Don't wait until after Christmas to go to Plan B. Deal your WW a very potent dose of reality.


You most certainly are. Why else would she come over and spend time with you? My WW and I spend hours every day together. We are going rock-climbing tonight even.

But, she herself has not made the decision to cease all contact with OM. Therefore, I am preparing for Plan B and will execute it if WW doesn't speak to Dr. Harley this week.

best wishes,

GH31

Topper,

It sounds like you have gone above and beyond the the Plan A. Your WW is the poster girl for cake-eating. You are ramming it down her throat.

I know all too well the issues of a 30 year M. I didn't want to give up on mine either for ALL of the reasons you don't want to give up on yours. But, my WH was a cake eater too. Heck, the A (lying, getting away with it, sneaking around etc.) was so much fun, he just kept it up for almost one year. I went to Plan B and you should too. Do it for you though. To save your sanity.

If I have looked at the dates right, Topper was speaking from almost a year ago.

Oops, you are right Queenie. This is an old thread....