She knows that I want to work on the marriage and I've asked her to come home. She just doesn't want to be with me anymore and asks why i can't understand that. She keeps saying she wants a D and that I'm just a friend now. But why hasn't she filed for one and why does she say "no" when I ask her if she's completely sure about her decision?

In my eyes and to everyone around us, we were the epitome of a great relationship. She even said that our marriage was "mostly good" after dday, but now there's absolutely nothing good to say about it. I realize that I didn't meet some of her ENs, but she never said anything to me. We rarely fought, she never acted unhappy or gave me the slightest hint that something was wrong. She has brought up some LBs and I've apologized for every one. She also said she was living my life because I made all of the decisions. It is true that I had the final say in a lot of decisions. I brought in almost tripple the income that she did and I grew up with the old fashioned thought that the man was the head of the household. I was a dumb 17 yr old when we met and I guess that attitude stuck with me. I told her I was stupid and it would be 50/50 in all aspects if she came back. She doesn't believe me and thinks it will never change. I was never abusive to her, I took care of her financially (she has expensive taste), I showed her affection and we got along very well. Almost all of our friends still tell me how envious they were of our relationship. Even now, I look back and can barely see the unhappiness she's talking about.

Now she feels her love for me is completely gone and it's time to move on. She won't kiss me or let me show her any affection, but just 2 months ago, we were still having sex and she was saying I was everything to her. She did a complete 180 as soon as the A was ended. She is very stubborn and proud which makes me afraid that she'll live in this fog forever.

Well, she's taking me to the airport in an hour, so I'll stick with plan A for the 45 minute drive and spend this week apart to think about plan B.

Thank you for your advice and your willingness to help others. I wish you all a wonderful holiday.

I think if you filed for divorce the chances are the following:
1) She will wake up and come to the conclusion that this may not be what she wants.
2) She will accept it and respect you more for it.

What you have become is a total doormat so why should she change things? She has an affair and now is seeing OM#2. She comes and goes as she pleases to your home and borrows things from you and keeps her stuff in storage at your home.
She tells you that you are only friends and you wonder why she does not file? Why should she? She has the best of everything right now without any consequences. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Your fear of taking any action whatsoever makes you less and less attractive to her. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting of this constant humiliation and disrespect that you continue to endure? Her actions show what very little respect she has for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? My guess is that if you show her that you are willing to move on and find someone else in the future who can respect you then you will be much more attractive to her. Allowing her to walk all over you while you are still married and she is seeing her new boyfriend will just engender pity and distain from her toward you. Why would she respect a person who would allow her to do these things toward you without consequences. It simply does not make sense. I wish you luck.

You're absolutely right about the lack of respect. That is something I've been thinking about that for the past several days and it needs to change.

I ended up not having her take me to the airport. I called her about a half hour before she was to pick me up and asked if she was still planning to go to vegas with OM2. She said she was, so I told her there was no need to pick me up, that I'll drive myself and pay for parking. She almost seemed a little disappointed or maybe just surprised. I probably shouldn't have done this next part, but I sent her a text when I got to the airport to say "thanks anyway" and let her know that I left some of her mail in the garage. Earlier, I had bought her a gift certificate to her favorite spa and was going to give to her as a thank you for taking me to the airport. I ended up leaving that in the garage for her with a note that said," Thanks for offering me the ride. Merry Xmas." She later texted me to thank me for it. I should've ended it with the phone call, but I was still in plan A and knew it was a good gift for her.

So, my trip wasn't the greatest. To make a long story short, I thought about her constantly and what she was doing in vegas. I realized that my plan A was making me out to be a doormat, so I started preparing myself mentally for plan B. It's been a painful rollercoaster, but I thought I knew what I needed to do. Then something happened yesterday and it's making me think twice.

My friends and I were checking out of the hotel and heading to the airport when she called me. She was upset and crying about something. Apparently, she had a falling out with her sister who's been her only support these past few months. I'm sure it's just temporary, but she seemed really hurt by it. I consoled her for awhile, but I felt like I was being used and asked why she was calling me instead of OM2. She said it was because I knew her sister and how she can be, that she didnt have to explain things to me. She said she was "kind of sick of OM2." I thought it might be a good time to ask if she would go on a date with me. She replied, "maybe" but in a tone that sounded like she was interested. She also mentioned that she ran into some of our mutual friends and that it was good seeing them. I know that she misses having all of our friends around, but she has felt like an outcast since we separated. I think seeing them made her miss that life or atleast part of it, but she won't stop seeing OM2 on account of me asking. At this point, she knows that she is getting away with everything she wants and I'm still here. I told her she can't pick and choose what she wants from me. I am here for her when she needs me, but as long as OM2 is in the picture, I will not be her doormat. She said she was sorry for making me feel like a doormat and that she wouldn't talk to me about her problems anymore.

I am extremely frustrated right now. I want to begin dating her again and I think the door is opening, but i don't know if I can do it while she's still seeing him. I'm wondering if dating her would convince her to come back or if it would just give her more reason to hold out and cake eat. I as also debating the plan D option, but thats obviously not what i want. I need to regain her respect for me and some power over this situation. What should I do?

Others might disagree with me, but I think you're way overdue with your Plan B. You should jump into it asap, esepcaill right now, she's "kind of sick of OM2."

There is no point in dating her if she is seeing other men period. Again why would she respect a husband who dates her while she is sleeping with her lover. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Once she realizes you are planning to move on with your life without the chances are much greater she will be crawling back to you.

Ask yourself if she is the only woman in the world you could ever love? It is ridiculous that you have to share your wife with other men. Once she realizes you will not be Mr. safetynet for her failed adultry relationships she may come to her senses. Asking her to date you while she is still seeing other men sends her the absolute wrong message and that the message is that you are still willing to be humilited and disrespected by her. I am sorry but it makes you sounds absolutely pathetic. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.

My WH is exactly the same type of person. But the one thing that keep nagging at me is. Remember, they married us "forever". I don't know if I am going to say this right, but if they could change about us then what they think is forever could change again.

You don't know what is going on over on the other side of the street. Just what is going on inside of yours.

The pain you are feeling is probably the deepest hurt you will ever experience and continue to experience.

Even if, and I don't believe it is, but even if Plan A was a sort of doormat thing, then you can hold your head up proud that you are doing everything you can to save your marriage and for that G-d will bless you one day.

I lost all my pride and ego through this. There is a saying in AA, I am willing to go to any lengths to get sober. I am choosing to go to any lengths to save my M. Besides, what people keep telling me is Plan A is about making those changes you WANT to make for YOU, not her. So it's a good thing that you are doing for yourself. She just gets to be a recipient of all those wonderful changes. Make sense?

Vets, if I am wrong, please, please tell me.

SG,
I would go to any lengths to save my marriage. I just need to figure out what needs to be done to save it. I am willing to continue plan A for as long as it takes if that's the right thing to do or if plan B is needed I would endure the pain of following through with it. I don't see plan A as a way of just turning someone into a doormat. It's just that my situation is different and this is not like the A with OM1. She's not seeing OM2 because of an addiction or because he is really meeting her ENs. She is only with him for sake of not being alone. She knows he's not what she's looking for, but she has no reason to give it up. We had a great life together even if she can't see it right now. I want nothing more than to show her, but it's probably not appealing when she can have someone else while i'm still waiting. I feel like I've created a no lose situation for her.

If there is a way that I can continue plan A while regaining her respect for me as well as my respect for myself I need to know because I'm starting to feel like I have no choice except for plan B or possibly D at this point. There are some times that I feel so disrespected that I'm afraid of losing my love for her, but I'm not at the point of giving up. However, her lack of respect for me and our marriage is not going to change if I just continue what im doing. I think I need to send a powerful message to make her realize this is not ok. Please tell me if I'm wrong about this. For now, I'm going to stop initiating contact with her. I think she will eventually call me to gauge where I am after I told her that I was not going to be her doormat.

I'm sorry, I know my posts are crazy and I'm going in all directions. I don't know how the H*ll I got in this mess, but I really need to get out of it.

What needs to be done is Plan A. Do no longer than a few months. Then you will do Plan B. I think your situation is very hopeful. She may be embarrassed by her behavior, or still in the fog. Who knows?

Does that mean I should ask her to go on a date with me even though she is seeing/sleeping with OM2? I want to date her, but I don't know what that will do to my self respect or how she will view me. I'm getting so much conflicting advice I feel like I'm bouncing back and forth in a pinball machine. This OM2 situation is killing our chances, but she either doesn't care or doesn't realize that she's nailing the coffin shut. I wish I could just have a solid plan.

Are there any other posts where the A is over and WS began a rebound relationship with someone else?

I agree with Bryan. Plan A her..but don't date her, kiss her (do I need to explain why???), or sleep with her. Work on you. Let her know you will meet her needs when the affair is over...better yourself and let her see the changes...but do not sacrifice your dignity.

You will not be able to meet all of her needs right now...and you shouldn't even try to. Just show her that you are a man that is to be respected and capable of meeting those needs when she stops screwing around (and gets tested for STD's).

This is where I really have a problem is finding the line between plan A and being a doormat. Was it wrong of me to tell her not to call me about her problems with her sister if she is still seeing OM2? Should I call her to follow up on what is going on?

btw.. I just saw this thread and I'm thinking about sending her the link. She has no idea I'm on MB or how long I've been doing this and what I am going through. I'm afraid she'll just think it's sad and use it as another excuse not to be with me.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD

Hi Dm, I've never posted to you before but I've been reading your thread. You asked this question about a rebound relationship (AFFAIR!) with someone else. This happened to me with my FWH. (We are recovered now by the way.)

It broke my heart all over again when he started up with OW#2 and I really felt hopeless. I didn't have MB and was basically on my own. I muddled through, made major mistakes but in the end, he came home. If I'd HAD MB I would have immediately gone to a Plan B at that point after all the crap we went through with the first OW.

But yes. It has happened. And recovery was still possible. If you read my thread, keep in mind it's a GREAT example of what NOT to do if you're serious about using the MB plans.

However, the ONE thing I think I did do right was at the end. I finally let him go and turned the whole situation over to God.

PM,
Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I can't imagine what you went through with kids, financial problems, hospitals, etc.. but I'm really glad to hear you're happily married again. Can I ask how long you were separated before R and how long the A's lasted? I'm going on 7 months now, but it's really been 3 months since she decided not to reconcile. I have seen her about 3 times in the last 3 months and she lives a block away. Did you ever do plan A or plan B because you never really mentioned either in your story? I'm hoping this A will dissolve quickly, but I'm afraid she'll stay with him for the security of having someone.

Now, if I plan A, I'll feel and look like a fool chasing after her. If I blan B, I'm afraid she'll just go on like this and never look back. Sorry for rambling.

Does anyone think I should send her a link to the post I was speaking of or any others on here?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD

DM:

Don't send the link. Educating WS's is not a particularly successful technique.

Have you called the Harley's yet? Transitioning between Plan A and Plan B is a good time to get professional advice.

I've been planning to set up an appointment with the Harley's. I'm looking into it today.

Meanwhile, my WW just contacted me and asked if I wanted to go to dinner tonight. This is the first time she has shown any interest in seeing me. I told her that I may have to work late this evening, which is true, but I can probably get out of it. Not sure what I'm supposed to do here. I'm thinking I need to continue plan A because she seems to be to re-evaluating and maybe its time for me to begin preparing for plan B?
I know I shouldnt bring up "relationship" talk, but what if she does? Should I act uninterested or show that im ready to move on? I don't want to muck this up. Need some coaching please!

DM, today you're in Plan A, so the dinner is a good opportunity. I would wait for some suggestions from the vets about the R talk though. Did you get any indication that she might have an ulterior motive for the dinner?

Dinner sounds great. Keep the talk light and fun. If she wants to talk relationship, the message from you should be upbeat and positive---you want the marriage, and are dedicated to making sure it's an environment that the two of you can enjoy and cherish.

At this point, I'd bag the work late stuff, if possible.

I didn't pick up on any ulterior motives. I have been seeing a small (very slight) change in her as if she might be questioning things again, but I don't want to read too far into that. I don't think she's planning to serve me divorce papers. She is acting cheerful and a little more interested in what I've been up to lately since I have been pulling back from her a bit. Maybe she's trying to gauge what is going on.

I'll try to keep the conversation light. If relationship talk comes up, I'll tell her all that I'm willing to do to make it work. But.. shouldn't I stand my ground that nothing can happen while OM2 is still in the picture?

We were separated for nearly a year and 1/2. The first A lasted about 4 months and the second only lasted 2-3 months (I think). There was a short period in between where he was mooning over OW#1.

I did NOT Plan A or B because I didn't know about MB. But from what I've read about your sitch, you're still early on.

You have MB (imagine the cellphone commercial with the network of people following the guy around with his cellphone - that's us). You are in a MUCH better position to get this right.

Well, you're supposed to be doing Plan A in spite of the OM's in the picture. It's obviously a short-term strategy---not a new, inconvenient lifestyle for you. I like the way that you tell her that you're willing to put forth your best effort to make the marriage work. I wouldn't then hammer on her about the OM---just see where the converstation goes. For example---say she asks you to move home? Are you willing to let her do so before the affair ends? Normally Plan A is done in non-separated environments (but you work with what you have). You might want to brush up on safe negotiation with regards to bringing her back. You might want to say "Hey---I'm starting to work with a really expert marriage counselor. I'm sure that they'd probably have suggestions for us on how to make this work. Would you be willing to talk with them?"

I think right now, I'd focus on reeling her in a bit before worrying to much about standing ground, enforcing boundraries, etc. And if you're working with Steve or Jen---that's part of their job.