Looking for advice here. Haven't posted in a bit, but LA, still seeking, Rin, and AmI usually post to me.

Here's my sitch:

DH and I have been in recovery for over a year now, counseling going well, family relationships improving.

Starting in September, FOW has been contacting me with crazy emails, bogus profiles on discussion boards, and keeps saying she wants to chat with me because she has soooo much to tell me. H and I discussed all of this with our counselor and we decided to just ignore her. Every time we block one avenue, she finds another. Last week, she contacted YS on his myspace account and asked to be added as a friend.

Then, the other night, she sent a text message to my H saying that he forgot her b'day. This is the first time that she has contacted him since the A ended 9/06.

So - what to do? Do we send a letter warning her that we want her to stop? Is this harassment? I know her new address (she moved out of state) and am trying to find a way to get to her H to let him know what she is up to. I have a folder of evidence. This woman is psycho. In her profiles, she puts her occupation as mine, she lists her home state as mine, she lists her b'day as my H's.

Any advice would be appreciated.

LD

I would have my attorney send her a letter, and a copy to her husband. Hopefully she will give up, and when she finds out you might take legal action, it will probably be sooner.

how about changing numbers to make yourself unavailable to her. Change names or discontinue using discussion boards she may be part of. make yourself unavailable to her on all levels.

Yes, inform her H.

I don't know about RO's when you're in one state and she's in another. Harassment crossing state lines...hmmm. Would that be Federal? Might google it.

How about changing H's cell #? Probably time to change your screennames on the chat boards for your hobby or groups. Like you did here. Definitely change your email addresses...and I understand you believe none of this will work...I'm not asking you to do it so it will stop her...I'm asking you to do it for your family, your marriage and yourself.

I don't think it's a bad idea to send a certified, return-receipt requested letter to her H...and cc the local law enforcement in the juridiction she lives in.

Have you checked to see if your state has an Alienation of Affection law? And her state?

Civil suit may solve your problems in this regard...I'm really glad you're asking for help, ready to take action...and not discounting what you can do and let the outcome go.

LA

Ditto.

She contacted your YS? I'd be looking legal restraints against her.

Having learned the hard way, I don't mess around with stalkers, and that is what she is. Get the authorities involved.

We changed H's cell phone number immediately and I only had accounts on 2 boards. I discontinued use of one, but have kept the other so I can monitor my YS's myspace account. I have blocked her, but she just creates another profile and sends it to me. I thought she would give up by now but it is escalating and has gone on for 4 months now.

When I exposed to her H last year, I mentioned this board and she referenced how amusing that letter was in her last post to me, so I thought the alias here would be a good idea as well. I would not be surprised to see her trolling around.

All good suggestions - thank you for your advice. We want to stop this before it goes any further. H is just starting to earn respect back at work and does not want her to contact him there. The only way to stop that will be legally. I will pursue your suggestions. Thanks!

Contact myspace about her changing profiles and trying to contact your YS. Is his profile private so that he has to accept any friends' requests?

OK - neither state has an alienation of affection law.

What kind of civil suit?

She works at a school in her state - probably in the cafeteria. That's what she did after she left my H's place of employment (post-exposure). Should I notify them or is that harassment on my part?

Also, my YS deleted her request to be a friend, so I have no proof of that.

Yes, YS's profile is private.

She is an adult making unwanted contact with a minor that could be considered stalking of him at the least. No doubt she is stalking you and H. Contact MySpace immediately.

There are federal laws against stalking. One in particular is:

"§ 2261A(2) makes it a federal crime to stalk someone across state, tribal or international lines, using regular mail, e-mail, or the Internet (i.e., cyberstalking). The stalker must have the intent to kill or injure the victim, or to place the victim, a family member, or a spouse or intimate partner of the victim in fear of death or serious bodily injury."

If you follow the link below, there is an 800 number to call to get help.

Here's a link for federal stalking laws.

She may not have threated you outright but her actions could cause you to FEAR what she is capable of (especially since you have so much evidence) and I believe that's enough to law enforcement interested.

LD5,

Make yourselves as invisible as possible, especially ONLINE.

1) Ask your YS to change his MySpace ID, and he can reinvite all of his realworld friends to join; Find out if he has Facebook or anything else, and just WATCH WATCH WATCH for his having posted any personal info;

2) Discontinue participation on boards (and in any other places, real or "virtual") where you believe she waits to stalk you;

3) Google yourselves, and find out how many references to yourself you can legitimately remove (or have removed) on your own;

4) Change all phone numbers;

5) This is what I think is the most important, I would have put it first but I was thinking back*sswards: Check to make sure that your computers are completely UNHACKED and SPYWARE-PROOFED. If this person has attached spyware to your computer in anyway, then she easily finds out what you and your husband are up to (and more readily harasses you) just by logging on. Unfortunately, there are countless ways to do this.

However, there are also countless ways to check. Go to tucows.com and make sure that you have at LEAST adaware and spybot search and destroy. (These are free.) You should have others, as well. But if this person keeps finding you ONLINE, I would suspect a trojan or other malicious spyware of some kind.

6) Get a new IP address, you can request one from your carrier in situations like this.

If she has connections to others that H works with, especially those who would need his phone number, then it would be too easy for her to establish contact again after the numbers were changed. It looks like her hobby is causing trouble in the marriages of others. I wonder if she feels she failed because you never filed for D. (It sounds like a bad joke, but I'm not kidding.)

My mother taught me that most bullies will leave you alone if you fail to respond to their taunts over time. That doesn't always work though - and it sounds like you have tried it already.

Having a lawyer write her a letter telling her to cease contact, or be prepared for a harassment suit may do it, but you would need to be follow through with the suite if she kept up the harassment.

It's good to hear from you, but sorry about the reason you had to come back this time around. I am also glad to see you reaffirm that you are recovering, and that the family situation is improving. I sometimes wonder how goes with you guys.

SS

My brother had a similar situation with his family.

He spoke to a judge about the problem, which was actually OM's MOTHER!!!!!

OMM tried contacting my brother's daughter via email, myspace, etc. Daughter was minor child.

This judge said he couldn't do much about the adult stuff, but the minor child stuff was outrageous, and he put a stop to it. Ask for a restraining order on that, for sure. You can and should get one. To drag a minor child into an adult situation is dangerous to the child in more ways than one, and the child needs protection from this woman. You probably don't even need an attorney - my bro didn't. It was granted pretty easily, and she was served promptly.

Also, if you have a justice of the peace system in your area, you might want to talk to that person. Sometimes that is quicker. Texas has those public servants, who are pretty good. The state-line issue might be tough, but the JP folks can usually help with good advice for free.

So after discussing with counselor, H and I decided that we would go to the police station with our information together. Today was the day. As I was getting ready, H said he had to tell me something. He said that when he broke it off with OW last October and told her he was moving home, she asked him to please keep talking to her on the phone. So, H went out and bought a secret phone and continued to have contact with OW until July of this year.They talked twice a week, ILY, blah, blah, blah. He saw her 3 times during that time and the last was when she visited the state in June of this year. No SF, but he did kiss her the last time (so he says. Again, I had no clue.

After that last visit in June, he called her and told her that he was done. No more contact. She called him back threatening to call me and expose. He continued contact for another month and then smashed his phone. It was around that time that we started counseling and things began to improve.

So that is the reason that OW has been contacting me since September. H decided to confess today - I guess before he was outed. Now he is saying that he will do whatever is necessary to keep us together. He did call OW's H and expose the whole thing to him today. We are sending a packet to him so he can see the truth for himself.

And lizzie? Blindsided, angry, betrayed again, hurt. Struggling with wondering if this is a recovery breaker or not. I guess I haven't even really been in recovery. Another 15 months of lies.

Just venting right now. All too new, too raw. First D-day was 2 years and 1 day ago, which just adds to all of this.

I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and now I just want to curl up again.

So sorry this happened to you. The old secret phone trick. And contact too.................

Sleepless night - no surprise.

D-day all over again...that kicked in the gut feeling. Details running through my mind...tracking down each lie...questioning everything.

We have our regular counseling appointment on Thursday. Seems like a long time from now.

No idea whether or not I want to continue with this. I was getting to the point that my trust was building. H and YS have made such improvement...scared how this will affect him and other kids. H - WH? - FWH??? - says we shouldn't tell them, just keep building in counseling as we have for the past 5 months and work to get through this.

Hard to separate what is right or best for me, for kids. I feel like all of the progress I have made over the past 2 years has just disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

I find that VERY hard to believe. He talked to her for almost a year during the past year, every week, twice a week, and when they finally meet, he just gave her a kiss?

There must be a secret email account in addition to the secret phone. You should demand him for full disclosure, meaning all the phone statement, email records, etc., even though he might have deleted all the evidence. If you really want to get a closure, whether it's heading for a REAL recovery or other options, you might want to consider talking to the OW to find out what else your H is lying about. Others might disagree, but, since you can't get the full truth from him, you have no choice but to get it somewhere else.

He did not confess to you because he wants to be honest and open, he did it because he know that he will get cuaght because the truth is coming out soon. He is still acting like a WH. Is he very remorseful or just sorry that he hurt you again? Since he met (maybe slept) with her only a few months ago, he might still be in fog. Whatever you've decided to do, you really have to keep your eyes and ears open from now on.

{{{{{{{{{{LD}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am SO sorry for your pain. I can't even imagine what you would be feeling. But whatever all you are feeling I KNOW it HURTS.

I am so new and have can really offer no advice or words of wisdom except I am adding you to my prayer list.

Keep posting so we can walk through this together.

Queenie

I am very sorry to hear this, you are realizing my, and probably most other BS's worst fear. To go to all the work, allow yourself to have hope, only to find out that it wasn't real.

You are in my thoughts.