Well, it is heartbreaking, but not that unusual. Many, many WS's have a slip or two. There is some concern over the deception involved. But if you are still willing, I say try to work this out.

The deception is the worst. I thought we were doing well in recovery. Looking back, until we started counseling in July, things did not improve as rapidly. Duh - maybe because there was contact????

I have had a keglogger on the computer - H knew - and had access and passwords to all accounts. Everything except the secret phone that he kept at work.

Things in his favor:

He did come clean.
He did call OW's H and confess to him.
He has said that he will do whatever it takes.

Things against him:

He deceived me again after promising that he wouldn't.
His confession was an 11th hour, under the gun, confession. He had several opportunities to tell me all the time that this was happening and lied to my face more times than I can remember (although I have done nothing but remember them).
He has lost all credibility. I have stopped asking questions because I don't believe anything he says.

So my dilemma is : is this a slip or is this just characteristic of who this person really is. I don't believe I could lie to someone's face day after day so I just don't get it.

According to him, he kept both things separate - his "working on our marriage" and her continued contact with her. I don't get that either.

Really? He deceived you again and again and you don't feel safe anymore, so get creative! How about asking him signing a post-nup agreementing giving you all assets if the two of you divorce in the future for ANY reason. Tell him that's the one of the only ways for you to feel safe again in this marriage. If he says "no," his "will do whatever it takes" is another lie again.

Well, all the WS's seem to think they can "work on the marriage" and have contact, so that is nothing new.

However, what does he say about how you can trust anything he says in the future?

I think that StillSame is the troll that's been on this board but I do agree with this....



I think you should definitely do this and have him agree to take a polygraph test at the drop of a hat whenever you feel like it. This would make you feel safer should you decide this marriage is worth all of this trouble.

I am so very sorry for your pain. I totally understand the "not believing anything he says now" thing too. It does make it much harder to recover because you can't ask questions and expect the truth. Only his actions will bring you any comfort.

mopey, why do you have to lable me when my advice is sound and you even agree with me? Why do you have to fall into this group thinking? Be yourself, make your own observation, and stop being a follower.

SS....

I am not a follower. In fact, I feel the opposite. A lot of the people who warn posters on here about trolls seem to have to take a lot of flack for it. A follower goes with what has the least amount of conflict.

I said what I said about you as a warning to the poster of this thread that I think you are a troll, but, that this particular advice you give out sounds reasonable to me. At this point, I feel like I have sufficiently warned the poster that you could be a troll so the poster can do what they wish with ALL of our information.

That said, I will not post to you on this thread again regarding anything like this again, so that this thread doesn't get off topic, like the trolls like for the threads to get.

This particular advice and any other advice I have given are reasonable. Find one that's not. I can reasonable asure you that you can't. I'm done with you, so stop posting to me and stop following the popular path by screaming "troll alert!"

Now, can we go back to LD5's thread?

I'm to the point where I don't give a SH*T if this person is a troll or not.

Sorry for the TJ LD5. But there are lots of folks here who need HELP, not BACK-BITING.

It is going to be harder to get over this than the first time, but it is not uncommon. I divorced my husband because his deceit just go to be too much. But there are many here who saved the marriage and are very happy they did, and went through multiple D-days.

Wow B, you have some major spunk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Will you teach me please. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You know, I have been on these boards for quite some time - nearly 2 years - and am posting under a different name now because of OW. I thought she might have found me here.

So, when StillSame posted to me, I found it odd that for someone who only registed 5 days ago, there are so many posts, and all of them are handing out advice. And the advice for me to talk to OW? Like she would be a credible source to go to to get TRUTH? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Personally, I post here so I can get several different points of view. The help that I have received here has been tremendous and got me through some of the worst days of my life...and I expect that same thing again. I have seen other trolls come and go; usually they are an annoyance that usually fade away. I believe that anybody who is here legitimately will tell their story. Some of us have been here for a while, some are new. There is usually someone around who can relate to what you are feeling - a been there, done that kind of thing. Advise given is usually backed up by personal stories based on failure or success.

So, StllSame, if you are legit, tell your story.
Otherwise I will respectfully ask you to not post to me as I have no room for games in my life or pointless arguing on my thread. For all I know, you could be the OW in my life. If so, quite pathetic.

Well, OW DO post here. That is why it is good to stay very anonymous. I was reading on the "other" board yesterday about an OW whose exMM was posting here. She quoted everything, and mocked him, and mentioned that she was reading the wife's posts.

It was a WH who had gone back home. But I couldn't recognize the situation enough to warn anyone.

Well H went to the police station yesterday with all of the information. They are going to contact her and warn her to stop. If she does not, then we will go from there. Have done some other exposure, but will not post yet in case the ho is lurking about.

Counseling appointment on Thursday.

Lizzie is MAD.

Believer....you think it could be TST & Sexymamabear?

Awesome. I am sooo glad your H is stepping up to the plate on this. Good job.

Don't know Mopey. I don't think so because in the WH's post which was quoted word for word, he said he had been promoted at work.

But the OW went on ranting and talking about how funny it was that she knew EVERYTHING because the WW was always posting.

Sorry for the threadjack, LD5.

Ouch!!! ((((((LD5))))))

You've told the OW's BH about the continued contact and you have contacted the police - good.

I can't remember if you mentioned telling the MC about this latest discovery? If not, I strongly advise you to do so in the next counseling session.

IMHO your WH will have that much more work to do now in order to prove his trustworthiness. Plus instead of de-fogging all this time, he will be just starting to de-fog and just starting to go through withdrawals. It all enters into the equation IMHO... bummer...

Gotcha. Thanks Believer.

Here it is -



posted December 27, 2007 05:01 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So here's the "twist" - xMM posted this on a M-saver site and doesn't know I know about said site... (some details have been changed/edited to protect the innocent). Here's his perspective - see anyone you recognize???

I want to clarify that I am not making excuses for my behavior. I am trying to relate what I have gone through on this side of the coin and from my perspective as it happened (which is not necessarily the same as where I am now).

We married after an extremely quick courtship. She was “the one”. We were both 21.

Finished college. Struck out to conquer life as a team. I am a type A personality that is/was (used to be) extremely self-motivated, confident, spontaneous and successful at everything I ever tried.

We had our first child. At the same time, my career started to take off. W worked and took care of D. We still worked mostly as a team, but started drifting in the day to day talking/confiding that made us so strong.

Our sex life took a serious hit with the new member of the family. Intimacy, touching, feeling, being loved and sex (it is not all about sex...) are extremely important to me. I come from a “touchy-feely” family and am EXTREMELY “high maintenance”. W also attempted to give me the affection I needed (until our second child was born and actually seemed to enjoy it. In hindsight, she never really understood that it was not all about sex and never really understood my needs. Not that I was the whiz-kid on meeting all of her needs, either.

#2 was born. We built a house. I worked 20 hour days until the house was complete. W took care of everything else. We rarely spent any time with each other for months.

We drifted further apart. Intimacy was nearly nonexistent. We started taking each other for granted.
After moving into our new house, I expected some renewed vigor in both the affectionate non-sexual portion of our relationship and in sex (both quality and quantity). In response (a mixture of reality and what I perceived at the time), I received a hard push away. When I would walk up behind W and touch her in a sexual or nonsexual way, I would almost always get either 1. no response or 2. a negative response. Sex was only initiated by me, oftentimes with W rolling over and saying “Okay, let’s get it over with”. Things were going downhill… Fast.

I poured myself into my job. I rose to the top and was promoted. Power, prestige, money – It was mine. I was on call 24-7 and averaged 70 hours or so a week. W was not supportive of me taking the job at all. W did not support me during the job or help me with the stress of it. I now know that I quit talking to her and did not enable her to support me. Hindsight…

Instead of using W as my sounding board and working on being successful with HER and MY FAMILY, I surrounded myself with work and the people I hired. I put together the best staff in the country, bar none. I also hired two extremely intelligent and attractive women who I became enamored with.

I was miserable at home. Work was kicking my [censored]. Guilt over being a crappy Dad was kicking my [censored]. I arranged a work trip with one of my employees. I had a fling w/ her.

I came home and W confronted me that night. I told her “I love you but am not in love with you”. In my mind, we had grown apart forever. She did not make me happy. OW did. She did not want to have sex or ML to me. OW did. She did not tell me how handsome I was or how good my body looked. OW did. As a matter of fact, W asked me a few days before I left for for that trip as I stepped out of the shower with a look of absolute disgust on her face – “How much do you weigh now?” – one of the worst days of my life up to then… I felt absolutely like I had been eviscerated. I am 6”1” and at the time had a small belly and weighed about 190 pounds (I am now at 162). That, in hindsight, hurt worse than anything and probably sealed the deal on my direction. I told her I was probably going to leave her for OW and that I was in love with OW.

Fast forward –OW’s best friend talks to me about the affair (which lasted about a month) within a couple of weeks of it ending while we are on a business trip out of town (OW’s best friend is the other woman I hired as referred to above). She lets me know that she wants to have sex with me (she was married). She tells me everything I want to hear and have not heard in almost 10 years. I jump into bed with her and have an affair With OW#2 that lasts until W finds out about it. I leave my W, my S&D, most of my friends and everything I had ever worked for. I move in with OW#2 (who is still married at this time).

W told me she wants us to work on our marriage. We started talking. We then started seeing each other. The old flame was still there. We started ML whenever we could (all while I am still with OW#2). OW#2 found out. I moved back into my home May 2007.

Things were going really well. I honestly thought I could make it work and that That we were going to make it. I was enjoying time with my W for the first time in years. I got drunk and called OW#2. It all started again. The betrayal of my W and my family and ultimately of myself.

W and I started going to counseling while I was back home. It was good until I went by myself. The counselor told me I need to choose between the 2 women. She also told me that OW#2 sounded like a typical mid-life mate that ultimately was the one for me (a companion mate) versus my W who I met when we were young, opposites attract, we made kids because that is what biology dictates, then I moved on to find my “soul-mate”… I told my W the day after that visit that I had honestly tried, that I could live with myself, that I could look in the mirror and feel good about who I was. I told her that I needed to be with OW#2 and that I could be a better father to the kids while with OW2 than I could be while living miserably in the house with her. I moved out that weekend.

I have been living with OW2 since then. I started talking to W and seeing her again. I am addicted to her and what we can make – together. She is the most amazing woman (and Mom) I have ever met. I do not feel worthy of her love, but want again to embrace it. Fast forward to now – I want to restore my marriage and my family. I told OW2 I wanted out of our relationship on Monday. Things are going as well as can be expected, I guess. I love my W. I love my kids. I miss them terribly. I want the hurting to stop and the healing to begin. It is not my nature to take things slowly. I have to this time. My family deserves that. I hope God gives me the strength.

Note: Ha. He hears only what he wants to hear from God - God told him he needed to come back to me when he did. Huh. God changed His mind?

Wow Believer. Thanks.

So, LD5, does any of this sound familiar?