And, from the OW -

he moved back in w/ W and kids 3 days after we split (his idea of taking it slow). I'm still in our place, but only for a couple more weeks then I'm moving to the other side of town! As time passes, I believe the whole A was about him controlling and punishing her. I'm just collateral damage. He left her and moved in w/ me for 3 mos, went back to her for 1, left her, moved back in w/ me for 4 mos, and went home just in time for the holidays. The lies I've found out about (thanks to his W's prolific posting on that same site) boggle my mind. He's a narcissistic, sociopathic egomaniac. And she's as sick as he is to keep wanting/taking him back. From what I've read, he isn't done w/ me yet - he'll cycle back in a month or so, but he's in for a rude awakening - "soulmate" has left the building.

Mopey,

Nope; not my sitch at all. Timing was coincidental I guess. OW had found me everywhere else, I figured she may have found me here as well.
The part that realy got me was StllSame's advice to talk to OW because that has been what she has been trying to get me to do.

Oh well, enough drama for now - back to marriage building I say <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is the only board I read and I know I've seen that post before. I'll have to do a search and see who it belongs to.

Edited to add: I wonder if it's been deleted because I can't seem to find it, but I know I've read it on here or in the recovery section.

LC

Well H is now reading Survive an Affair. He exposed himself to his brother, but would like us to not tell other family members until we pursue this in counseling. His reasons - he doesn't want to put his mother through he11 again, and he has fought to make the progress that he has with the kids. He feels it would be damage that would be irreparable. I tend to agree.

He has agreed to a postnuptial agreement.

He is in the process of writing me a letter.

I am choosing to withdraw and close up - a false safety mechanism, I know.

He still states that there has been NC for the past 5 months. This coincides with the dates that OW started contacting me, the time we started counseling, and a very big improvement in our relationship. But on principle alone here, I don't believe him. If he told me that the sky was blue, I would not believe him.

Obviously, that is a major issue. I had started to feel more safe again, and the thing is that I truly believed him when he told me that he had not had any contact since returning home last September. He did admit that he was still in contact during our brief 3-week false recovery in April of "06, and that is why it didn't work out.

Would love to hear stories of those who endured false recoveries. Would love to hear from LA and stillseeking. Lizzie needs your guidance to get on task here.

We had MC tonight. My H had written me a letter and asked me to read it before going. Lots of discussion in that letter about some of the reasons he felt he should be continuing the affair at the time, but did say that he realized now that they were all a bunch a rationalizing crap. He thought he could do both, hold on to us both, and after their affair was no longer sexual, he said that he told himself it really wasn't an affair. Now after reading almost all of SAA, he said it is clear to him how wrong that was.

MC was also surprised at the level of deception and asked how we were feeling. Said that it would take a lot of work if we were to survive this.

Right now, I am not going to DO anything - I don't want to be reactionary. We have another appointment in 4 days and we will see how it goes until then. For the first time since all this mess started - H is saying that whatever it takes, he will do. Before, he resisted counseling. Now he says he wants us to go. The problem is that I am wondering if he has just upped his game, so to speak.

And then I go back to what felt like major improvements in the marriage that started 5 months ago - the same time that he claims contact stopped.

So, I'm still sitting with all of this.

The state police contacted OW yesterday and warned her to stop, however given her 2 and 1/2 year history of holding on and making threats, involving the kids, 2 false claims of pregnancy, and rampant history of infidelity, I truly think that she is psychotic, and frankly, I don't think this is over yet.

When she first started contacting me it was through a MYSpace account. I have that account to monitor YS and my other children, relatives, and I use it as a sort of family discussion board. Profiles are private. I blocked both of her profiles so she couldn't contact me, but I have been watching hers because it has given me clues about what she is up to. After my H contacted her H, she listed her mood as "accomplished". I think she was hoping that she would be able to cause a major disruption, a punishment for H because he cut off contact. Now today, after talking with the state police, her mood is "insubordinate". Seems to me there's a message there. I should probably stop watching, but it gives me some sort of false sense of control <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

Gosh, I don't know - your situation sounds pretty positive to me. Only time will tell.

Your counselor surprises me by talking about the level of deception. That is how affairees are. At least your husband is (or seems to be) examining how he was able to live these two lives. Most just want to sweep everything under the rug.

Hang in there!

Thanks, B. Up until now, that has been H's stance all along.

I think MC was surprised because she has been working with us for the past 5 months and didn't notice anything amiss.

H stated that his reason for not telling me was that he was afraid that I would pull the plug, didn't want to interrupt our progress (although MC told him what a blow he had dealt to my already crippled trust),and was hoping that after 5 months of NC, I would realize that he was seriously committed to our M.

So, our discussion tonight was about what constitutes "radical honesty" and responsibilty and accountability for one's actions without justification or trying to control the outcome.

I think I would continue trying recovery. Many, many slip and go back to the affair. It makes recovery much harder. I would be sure to let hubby know that each time he is dishonest and trying to hide things, it makes it that much harder for you to trust him. And let him know that you do want to be able to trust him and move on from this - that it won't always be hanging over his head if he can join you.

From December -
And lizzie? Blindsided, angry, betrayed again, hurt. Struggling with wondering if this is a recovery breaker or not. I guess I haven't even really been in recovery. Another 15 months of lies.

Just venting right now. All too new, too raw. First D-day was 2 years and 1 day ago, which just adds to all of this.


From Early January -
I am choosing to withdraw and close up - a false safety mechanism, I know.

I worry about your feelings in light of what I have learned in my time on MB. Because of the lies, and the pain, from the backsliding, it is often the BS who says it's over, and not the WS.

If you are familiar with addiction.......... most addicts slip. Almost all of them do. My neighbor (and friend) told me he quit smoking over 100 times. Somewhere along the line it finally took. The thing is, he wanted to quit every time he tried.

Please tell us how you are. Then maybe I won't worry quite so much.

SS

Hi SS. Thanks for checking up.

H wrote a really great letter of apology to FOW's H and we included all of the e-mails she had sent. When my H talked to her H, he gave us the address of a neighbor to send the packet to, so that is what we did. My H went to the police (I think I already posted that) and they called FOW to warn her to stop contacting our family. She told them that she was only trying to make peace and if we didn't want to talk to her, all we had to do was tell her that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. That's when the police told her that they had all of her e-mails in front of them and it certainly looked more like harassment than an olive branch.

Last Friday, I rec'd a phone call from the same police officer. FOW had called them to state that my H and I were harassing her and had sent some mail. The police told her that her husband had given us permission to send the mail and provided us with the address, so that shut her up pretty quickly. Later that day, I got the delivery information from the USPS by e-mail and guess who signed for the package???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So at first, I was pretty angry about it and thought that I would re-send it to her H's place of work and then I realized that I just needed to let it go. Whatever she told him is their business. I don't give a rat's behind what they do or what he believes or what she tells him. I just want her out of my life. I am hoping that this is the end of the contact from her, but I'm not banking on it.

H and I have gone to more counseling sessions, and I think looking at things from the perspective of addiction has been helpful. Although I am angry and sometimes think to continue is crazy, deep down, I believe that what H has said about no contact for the past 5 months is the truth. And that is what we are working on in counseling - truth.

So, a little backsliding has occured, but I am looking to move forward now...it's just my nature <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Sounds good. Glad you are going to hang in there. Stick with us, and we will support you through the hard part. And be aware that RRCOVERY is even harder than the affair.

Checking in.......... wondering if things are OK.

SS

Hi SS,

Thanks for checking in on me. We were away for a 10 day cruise and had a really good time.

We are still counseling and H is working really hard.

I am struggling. A lot of old feelings have surfaced and I find myself having these automatic knee-jerk type of responses to them. Example - while at the beach, my H was putting suntan lotion on my back and out of the blue I thought, "I wonder if he is wishing it was HER he was doing this for." And I chose not to share that with him. This happens so much. I am dwelling. I am disheartened by this setback, but it is getting better overall.

So Lizzie is still plugging along and remembering that everyone said the recovery would be the hardest thing of all.

Thanks for checking in on me. We were away for a 10 day cruise and had a really good time.

We did the cruise last summer, and it was wonderful. Living a fantasy seems to be good for revving up our love life. I hope it did the same for you.

We are still counseling and H is working really hard.

I figured he had to have it in him, or you wouldn't have married him in the first place.

I am struggling. A lot of old feelings have surfaced and I find myself having these automatic knee-jerk type of responses to them. Example - while at the beach, my H was putting suntan lotion on my back and out of the blue I thought, "I wonder if he is wishing it was HER he was doing this for." And I chose not to share that with him. This happens so much. I am dwelling. I am disheartened by this setback, but it is getting better overall.

These set backs will come less often, and someday will go away. Keep working on it.



So Lizzie is still plugging along and remembering that everyone said the recovery would be the hardest thing of all.

I don't meant to minimize the pain that you still feel sometimes, but please smile when you read this, and know that you will make it.

Thanks for letting us know how you are. I hope spring comes into your marriage the same way it comes to the land....... and that your love grows and grows.

All the best, and may God bless you both with what you need.

SS