WH=44 BS=41 SONS 15,17 DDAY=6 DEC 06,
WH started affair 2 weeks before i found out OPS EXH told me .WH admitted having affair and moved in with OP and her 3 teenage boys.OP works for WH. she is a real dumbsell in distress,has tattoes and body piercings.WH has since had a tattoe!!OP is in debt and car is not running.she reps for WH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> did the begging,pleading for far to long was an absolute wreck.then found MB.tried plan A was hard with him not home.my boys see him alternate weekends,i can't stop them as they are old enough to choose for themselves.they get on with her kids not her.
WH is textbook,all my fault etc..he has lost his friends,is in debt due to affair,is drinking heavily but says he is happy!!!
started plan B October,he wouldn't use 3rd party,my sister.we smsed only for financial reasons,he never really tried to contact me.i didn't do a very dark plan either.now he says i will get my divorce papers soon.is it too late? do i do a very dark plan B or shall i give up.

Hope,

Well, hopefully one of the expert plan Ber's will respond, but as far as I have seen here, you just can't kinda do plan B, it is all or nothing.

WH will have to get used to using the 3rd party or not have contact with you. Unfortunately, you let him have it his way by refusing to use your 3rd party.

If I were you, and you still want to try and recover your marriage, then I would go to a black plan B and see what happens.

Who

Well, did you do an excellent Plan A first? That is important.

Then Plan B needs to be DARK with no contact with him.

Affairs always end, and the statistics say he will be back with family.

My WH (now EX) lived with the OW almost 4 years. The affair ended less than 2 weeks after our divorce was final. Now he is begging to come back.

Mine seemed happy too, but it all blew up in his face.

Post deleted by hopenpray

Have you exposed the A to his workplace? You said he is her boss? Have you exposed to anyone else? You need to do whatever you can to end the A.

There is no excuse for adultery, there are reasons and you should try to understand what your H thinks his reasons are, but whatever they are they don't excuse or justify his behavior.

In the beginning before I found MB he said he wasn't sure about her as she had kids and was in debt.I would just let him do most of the talking.he was giving me hugs and kisses.A month into the affair he said he was moving out of her house to think but never did.I wish i had done plan B then.I was close to a nervous breakdown.hugs and kisses stopped and he eventually withdrew.I know he feels very guilty and keeps saying I will never get over this affair.I told him about MB but he wasn't interested.He says OP understands him and I don't.We've been together 26 yrs!!!
I did plan A for 6 months.I lost 18kgs and everyone commented on how great I looked,was able to wear sexier clothes too!!He never commented once,kids say I'm thinner than OP!!Kids did tell WH that I was going out more something he wanted us to do more of.I think my only option now is a very black plan B.somehow I think I did plan A/B too long.

Post deleted by hopenpray

Hope,



Your WH is a liar, that's what waywards do. You have no way of knowing whether he told the CEO or not. If you want to recover your marriage, you can't worry about the CEO wondering why you are just now exposing. I can't imagine that any company would condone a married supervisor openly living with and playing favorite to a subordinate. Want to recover your marriage? You have to be the one to take the lead here.

There are steps that must be taken to break up the affair, exposure is key and you haven't done it.

Who

I will phone CEO tomorrow so what if he thinks i'm crazy!! Thanks for waking me up.WH will most probably blow a fuse but what have I got to lose.?DS15 just got back from holiday with WH,OP and her boys.DS17 didn't want to go.WH took them to meet his mom.makes me sick..MIL hasn't contacted me at all during this ordeal,we have been on good terms for 26 yrs,what has WH told her?DS15 says OP picks on him and her kids get preferential treatment.He won't tell WH.I see the cracks starting!!I was thinking of giving WH a letter based on Dobson's opinion of letting him free etc,he knows I want him back and I feel he holds all the cards so to speak!!Maybe plan FU is more appropiate.ha,ha.Also I think of him constantly all day,drives me mad!!

Hope,

Good for you. I suspect that the CEO knows nothing so your WH will be furious. But if you have been reading here, you know they always are when exposed.

I think that you might want to contact your MIL and talk to her. She could be an ally for you and like you said, you don't know what your WH has told her.

I would stick to a very dark plan B. Let him really see what life is like when the OP is all he has.

Who

WH and OP are with each other 24/7 work,live and sleep together plus 3 kids thrown in and they are STILL in this relationship?It must be good.He did say in Sept "don't think we don't have our problems"whatever!!She never has friends around according to kids and WH has 1 friend who keeps in contact.(my EXBIL who cheated on my sis.WH never spoke to him for 2yrs cos of what he did to my sis,now they friends again..birds of a feather...) So they MUST be happy ok, the heavy drinking does help!!My DD17 says they behave like teenagers!!The sad thing is my kids are losing respect for him and up till before the affair he was a model dad.I can't protect them from this.I have mentioned kids not liking his drinking and he just gets defensive.

hopenpray:

I'm not sure that I see the point in contacting the CEO of his company. The affair has been exposed to family and friends, correct? The kids know, and he's losing their respect. His coworkers know.

Exposure is to remove the secrecy of the affair. It's not a punative act. There's not very much secrecy at this point---and I can't believe that this exposure would do anything more than piss off your husband AND potentially drive him a bit closer to the OW (she can play the sympathy card).

If you do a good Plan A, you will give your husband a sign of what he'll be missing---you demonstrate good (maybe new) marital behaviors, thoughfullness, compassion. That sets up Plan B, where you meet none of his needs (by no contact). Nowhere in the MB methodology is 'hey---I'm getting bored with Plan B---maybe I'll toss a grenade the WS's way and see what happens.'

Plan B is for you too. Try to remain isolated from his crap. That way your love for him will fade gradually, until the point that you're ready to move on. This approach you're contemplating will only bring you together to fight---it's not worth it.

K,


I believe her WH works for the CEO of the company. He is the OW's supervisor and the affair is disruptive to the work place. I thought that the purpose of exposure was also to obtain the assistance of anyone in a position to put pressure on the WS to end the inappropriate relationship.

JMHO, but I think you missed the mark on this one.

Who

Nope---at least, I've never heard the Harley's using that view in any of their material. I did counsel with Steve for over a year, so I have a pretty good understanding of the methodology.

In general, "external" forces designed to disrupt an affair usually have the opposite effect---they tend to push the affair couple together. Exposure is about removing secrecy---affairs thrive in secrecy, and once they are outed, the fantasy aspect of the relationship will end, and reality will start.

The only people who can effectively end the affair are the WS and the OP. You need to set the conditions for it (removing the secrecy), but there's an aspect you're missing---after the affair is over, is the spouse going to want to come back? That's the premise behind a good Plan A and a 'silent' Plan B. You leave the WS on your best behavior.

This smacks as a very punative, ineffective response. It's unlikely to achieve the end goal of recovery. It's unlikely to help hopenpray stay in a quiet Plan B where her love is slowly draining. It does set the stage for a big blow-up, and huge love bank withdrawals by both parties.

Thanks K for your advice.You both make valid points.WH is very defensive and aloof when he is around me,which is seldom,so this exposure would push him further away.I feel like I have two emotions pulling me in different directions; 1.praying and hoping WH will come home and
2.letting go and accepting its over.

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo,family and friends think I'm crazy to hang on and say I must accept and move on.They say its not doing me any good.Kids even say I must "forget about dad"

Something I've noticed on this forum is that often when couples do divorce the affair ends soon afterwards.Why is this?WH has said he wants us "to be friends".Told him can't do that!!told him in PBL that even if we divorce conditions remain..no contact.He has said "divorce is only a piece of paper,who knows what will happen in the future!" crazy talk!!!

Hopenpray:

There are reasons that posts like "fog-babble", "Stupid things WS's say", and "Why can't we still be friends" gather about a half-million posts each. It's so beautifully, stupidly textbook... I was fortunate when dealing with my wife's affair that I could 'remove' myself from the situation and find humor in what was going on. At least when I wasn't crying or thinking about killing someone... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your goal in Plan B is to preserve love for your husband. With the kids, and the time you've been married---if you stay away from him and his harmful behavior, you can figure a year or two (in Plan B). What happens after? You eventually just don't care. You don't hate, but you're ready to think about moving on. Filing for divorce. Getting on with life.

And yeah---sometimes they want to come back. One reason I want you to protect yourself from his behaviors (and not do anything to agitate him) is that you might actually want him back. If you guys fight, picture your love for him like a delicate soap bubble---you don't know how long it's gonna last. Fighting is like pointing a shotgun at that bubble... That's the real importance of doing a 'silent' or 'dark' Plan B (and mine wasn't stellar, but it was mercifully short at a couple months).

On the other hand, if you think the crap you've gone through already is bad---early recovery is usually the toughest for most people.

Thanks K,I hate conflict and WH has a bad temper.I don't have the energy for fighting either.The strange thing is I'm still more hurt by what his done than angry.What does make me angry is when I see how his affecting the boys,especially as they need a role model in their lives.Thank goodness DD17 hasn't gone off the rails and has been very protective of me.DD15 idolised his dad and has a love/hate relationship with WH now.WH tells me theres absolutely nothing wrong with boys,they're fine!!I then want to knock his block off!!
WH has no contact with his own dad cos of divorce,hope he doesn't cause history to repeat itself!

WS's don't have very good mirrors, do they? I can completely understand your position here---that's why I'd like to see you keep that Plan B 'quiet', and not aggrevate your love bank any more.

Did you deliver a Plan B letter to him when you separated?

I'm signing off now.It's one o'clock in morning here,need to go to work later!!