I have been reading a thread here and am now confused about the purpose of exposure. A rather seasoned poster here has advised that exposure to external parties is ineffective in ending the affair.

I don't agree with this but am wondering now if I have ill advised folks here. I personally believe that if a WS is having a workplace affair, that the BS should expose it to the supervisor of the WS.

Am I incorrect?

Who

FYI,

This is the comment that I am referring to:



Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Who:

I think I was misquoted a bit... let me repost:


This was with regard to a specific instance as well (the affair had been public for at least a year, and there was question as to whether to make a run to the CEO to tattle).

Exposure is all about ending the secrecy of an affair. It lets your spouse know that YOU KNOW! It starts the clock. Affairs thrive in secrecy---there's an adrenelin rush that you get when you sneak around doing stuff you shouldn't. That's part of the addictive nature of an affair.

So, how to expose? It's a situational decision (as well as a moral decision for some with regard to OP's spouses). There are a few guidelines for exposure:

1. You're doing it to end the secrecy---not as punishment.

2. You're doing it do set up a chance at recovery.

3. Once you do "it", you can't take it back.

A measured, tiered exposure pattern was the method Steve H used with me, and I believe it's the one that he advises most of his clients with. To give you my case---my wife was having an affair (not workplace), and our children were 7 and 3 at the time.

1. First exposure---to her. And only her.

2. Second exposure---her sister. That was about 1 month into a Plan A.

3. Third exposure---parents and some close friends, about 6 months in, as I was transitioning to Plan B. Kid's were not informed.

These are measured responses. While some believe that you should shout it from the trees immediately after you find out---there's scant evidence that this approach ends an affair any quicker, and evidence (ancedotal) to the contrary that it leads to successful recoveries.

Keep those guidelines in mind. If I had a hypothetical situation where my spouse was having a workplace affair---I'd expose to her first. Plan A and POJA with her to change jobs. If this was unsuccessful, I would then probably expose the affair to her supervisor(s) and HR at work.

I hope that helps---you're not 'incorrect' with regards to your thought on exposing a workplace affair---but the application on the other thread was inappropriate.

Thanks K.

I'll admit I was confused. As I read the situation, the BW had not exposed at the work place because her WH told her the CEO already knew. I suspect that like many supervisors (note I didnt' say leaders), the CEO does know, but prefers to pretend they do not because they don't want to deal with the situation as they should.

The bottom line here is that the BW has had difficulty with Plan A because her WH is living with the OW and she never really did a plan B since there was still limited contact between she and her WH.

I have zero experience with having to expose since my FWH had already ended his A prior to DD. If I had exposed, it would have been punitive and I agree with you that it would have achieved no positive result for our recovery.

Thanks for your input. I want to insure that when I do give advice her that it isn't harmful.

Who

Hi Who and K,

Thanks for posting, K. I truly appreciate your care and concern and time. (Did you see my 'thanks to seasoned MB Vets' thread which included your name....I think it's slipped off page, one, tho.)

Who:


I gave out harmful advice as a 7-day old newbie and TJ'd a thread from another newbie....who finally came back later. I was glad that someone cared enough to help me but I wish they would have done what you did.

Thanks for posting this thread, Who and for explaining it, K. We need more of these types of threads to avoid the many TJ's like I used to cause.

Ace

Hi WhoMe,

I've tried to clarify the process with regards to exposure back on that thread. It's a risk vs benefit calculation, and in this case, I think it's strongly on the side of 'don't bother'.

To give you an instance where it might be appropriate---take their situation, 2 months into Plan A. BS has tried unsuccessfully to negotiate an end to the affair. No one at work knows about it, and it's strictly forbidden by work policy. Let's say the job is important to the husband's esteem as well.

At this point, I would suggest that the BS have 'records' that are irrefutable about the affair. I then have the BS sit down and discuss this with the WS (preferrably with a mediator, like Steve)---that if the No Contact letter won't be written an a plan for recovery can't be negotiated, then she'll be forced to go to the company and expose---which is not what she wants to do. You don't lay this down as a 'my way or the highway'---because that's a selfish demand. You have to allow room for the WS to have some say and negotiate (in good faith). But if that didn't happen---then I would expose to the workplace.

That's a potential example of how exposure works---but as I hope you can see, it's very tactical, specific---with a clear set of goals, specific timing, and with a known set of risks.

Hello Ace,

I probably missed the 'thanks' thread---I appreciate the thoughts.

I was fortunate---when I showed up on this forum, there was only one board---and I had been in counseling for nearly a year. But I always, ALWAYS worry about the advice I give---this isn't the place to do drive-by postings without followup.

And back in those old days, I knew everyone, because I had more time and there were a lot fewer people. It's hard to keep up around here... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was going to link it for you, but I'll just bump it.