I haven't posted in quite some time. My H and I were having issues a few months ago. He was the one who was having a mid-life crisis at 31. We went to counseling and things seemed like they were feeling pretty good. A few weeks ago my H and I were intimately involved. I noticed a small white bump on the tip of his penis. I asked him if he knew about it and he said no. We immediately stopped what we were doing as I was grossed out. I didn't really say much more about it until a few days later. I asked him if he would go to the doctor to have it looked at. Well he flew off the handle. To sum things up, when we first got together in our relationship, I asked him to get tested for STD's to which he told me that he did and was clear. He had had unprotected sex prior to me and prior to the test. This was at least 10 or 11 years ago or longer. I've never had sex with anyone other than him. I've not been tested for STD's. My husband is a hypochondriac and he has had other bumps on his penis that he has gone to see a doctor about. His doctor has examined them and told him that some are calcium deposits or other types of skin issues that are not STD related. I guess the last time he went and he had her look at a bump she said that it was probably HPV and it wasn't the kind that would give me cervical cancer and it should go away on it's own and not to worry about it since HPV is so widely contagious. So in regard to this current bump on the head of his penis, he claims he already knows that it's HPV and he's not going back to the doctor about it because I guess he's gone there a few times in regard to having his penis checked out and he's self-conscious now. I told him that he should go see another doctor then. I asked him, don't you want to know what that bump is? Well my husband is lazy (he doesn't even do simple tasks around the house with any self-motivation unless he runs out of clothes or dishes), so he didn't bother further with it. I told him that I was so put off by that bump that I can't bring myself to have sex with him anymore for fear of my own health. I asked him again (even though the bump is now gone) if he would go to the doctor and get tested for piece of mind on both our parts. This discussion became an argument with him screaming at me and me crying in disbelief that he is so insensitive to my health and well-being. He then brought up the fact that "you know I was ready to leave you, so you should be grateful that I'm even still around"....I tried my best not to be demanding about all of this.

So we have not been sexual in almost a month. During our problem phase, one of the things that he kept bringing up over and over again was how he felt that I was just not sexually interested in him and that I did not desire him. I am on antidepressants and have not really had a strong sex drive since I was a teenager, but since we have discussed this I have made efforts to have sex with him and enjoy it. I told him the other day that I have been surprised that he has not been upset that we are not having sex anymore. He said that he doesn't care anymore because he now doesn't want to have sex with me because he knows that I don't desire him because of his issue.

So here's where I am today. Our relationship otherwise has seemed to have turned itself around for the positive with the exception of this little snafu. I really don't know how to handle this one without causing him embarrassment. We haven't seen our therapist in a few weeks and I know he'd be very upset with me if I were to bring this subject up. I have tried a few times now to talk with him about it but he gets irritated every time I bring it up. At the same time I can't help but to think that during the time when he was "unsure of being with me" what he was really up to. My gut feeling says he was cheating on me with someone casually, picked up an STD and now he just doesn't want to deal with it.

What the heck do I do about this now? Obviously I need to found out if he has an STD, but how can I do that if he won't get himself checked out? I can go to the doctor, but I won't be able to get into see mine until after the new year. If I do find out he does have something then obviously I need to get tested no matter what. The question then becomes one of that my husband gave me an STD from sleeping around on me. To me that seems like a deal-breaker for this marriage. Perhaps I am paranoid and am just thinking about all this too much (I am sick with a head cold right now so I've got more time on my hands than normally). I actually do want to be intimate with my husband, so the concept of never having sex with him isn't going to work.

I don't know what to think. I wish I could find out the truth of what he did (if anything) so that I could move on here. The bump is now gone so even if he goes to the doctor now, there's nothing that they would be able to see. He will not wear a condom during sex, so that idea is out. I've just got this gut feeling that something isn't adding up here. It just doesn't seem to me that man can get a white bump on the head of his penis without engaging in some type of sexual activity. There aren't any pores to be plugged up there suggesting that it might have been a pimple. Perhaps he had a skin reaction from lubricant that we've been using? Who knows.... what to do, what to do???? My gut feeling says he cheated on me, either with the stripper who he sucked on her nipples back in the summer at a bachelor party, he picked up some chick at a bar during our "not sure if he wants to still be with me - I need to go to the bar every night" phase, or was involved in some threesome with two other bi-sexual ladies that he met a few months ago who one is a friend of his best friend. In addition to this - I should also note that I received a suspicious email a few months back that was sent from my husband's email address from work that had the subject "I suck" and the message said "I've been cheating on you for the the past five months. I suck." I asked him about this and he said he never sent it and that he also received the message and that is was spam generated and they get those kinds of messages. I've never believed him. Everyone (including him) has said that it would have been the perfect out for him to end our relationship, so if it was really true, why didn't he just own up to it then and move on? Well that's great, but I'm still left thinking about that email and now thinking about the bump that my husband had on his penis and saying to myself that 1+1=2 here.

UGH. I'm so confused. Do I trust my gut or do I trust what my husband is telling me?

I would say.....


Get yourself checked for STDs.

Then you would know what the story is on him. If you are clear, then you sort of know he's okay in that regard.


Sort of. There are some diseases that have incubation periods.

Regarding the other parts you mention, there's usually some truth to the gut feelings.

Install spyware on your computer - see the thread Spying 101 for details and other ways to watch him besides the computer. Check his cellphone bills, and there are voice recorders for the car, GPS, etc. You need to know.

SB

Trust your instincts until you have definitive information one way or the other. Like Schoolbus said, get tested ASAP. It's not something to put aside until tomorrow.

I don't care for husbands or wives who use manipulative techniques in their disagreements with their spouses, and your husband seems quite adept at using several of them. His temper tantrum was designed to get you off that subject quickly and prevent it from coming up again--and that's a big, red flag. The "you're just lucky I didn't leave..." threat is intended to gaslight you and manipulate you further.

The "Spying 101" thread is linked in my signature area below. I'd check it out and start a campaign to find out what the heck your husband is up to.

LH

"I guess the last time he went and he had her look at a bump she said that it was probably HPV and it wasn't the kind that would give me cervical cancer and it should go away on it's own and not to worry about it since HPV is so widely contagious."

I'm no medical person, but I've never heard of HPV going away on it's own. I always thought it spread, and to the partner. As far as telling whether it is the kind that causes cervical cancer, I think lab tests are needed for that.

HPV has a distinctive look - google it.

And I would NOT have SF with a man who could care less about my health.

If HPV presents as warts they do NOT go away on their own, they have to be removed.

If you do not have actual warts (although you could near your cervix and would never know) you have to get a blood test to know which strain of HPV it is.

Only then, once your doctor gives YOU a blood test and tells YOU whether you have a low-risk or hugh-risk strain, can you know for sure what your own personal risk for cervical cancer is.

There is no way a doctor could look at an active hpv infection on a man's penis and know what strain it is, so that is a lie. HPV warts do not go away unless they are removed.

I do not think you should count on your husband here, the ramifications are too great. Cervical cancer is not something to goof around with.

Also, DON'T wait until after the new year. A nurse practitioner or physisians assistant can order the blood test for you, you dont need to see your doctor.

Please don't rely on your husband to take care of this. Don't worry about if it's "embarrassing" to him. You have to put your health first.

And one more thing...as long as they're drawing blood, you can have your blood tested for HSV 1&2, hepatitis b&c, HIV, and syphilis. Why not?