OK, it's only been about 2 weeks since d-day when i confronted her with the evidence of her very serious EA. I have found several e-mails conirming that she is in love with OM and ready to leave me. I made some huge mistakes this week with angry outbursts becuase she is constantly seeing him and contacting him via her "affair cell phone". eveytime she trys to hide that shes texting him i confront her ask her to stop and have some respect for me then it turns into a huge battle every time and she left last night after the fight to go to OMs house. she refuses NC and quiting her job (since shell be in major financial trouble if this end in divorce). she insists that they are very good friends and that she won't give up on that. We have had this talk every night since D-day and she is tired of the pressure and cannot wait to move out she "needs space to be able to think" I am trying to get her to stay and back off at home, but she constantly contacts him in my presence. I don't know what to do. I want to kick her out but i know she would go to OMs and stay there anyway. she has already done that twice now, once she told me she was at another friends. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse and i should just move on. she has told me many times that i gave up on our marriage long ago and her affair has nothing to do with the way she feels about me, she is done trying and she doesn't think there is anyway she'll be happy with me again. so waht is my next step....I have exposed the A to some of her family and some of mine. I can't find the OMs info since he lives with an aunt, who knows the situation anyway. his parents don't know WW is married but they've talk to her on the phone (they think she's single). I know that is my best chance at putting pressure on the A but I have no idea how to find out who they are. should I just back off a little. she tried to tell me she's pulling away from him emotionally so she can figure things out (yeah right) but I don;t think i can stop her from moving out....I need major help before I give up

Aph,

Keep to one thread, and post more often.

Tell us what is happening on a daily basis and we can help you get through it.

Lean on us, vent to us....we will be your support team, if you want us to be.

You should not be having any R talks w/ your WW. Stop trying to reason w/ her. It won't work.

I know I posted Mr. W's to Do list to you. Did you copy it? Memorize it? Let me know if you need me to post it again.

Can you afford a PI? You need to get info on the OM, so you can expose to his family.

~ Marsh

for some reason every time I try to click on the links in posts i get an error message, i just saw one that will help with exposure that i can't get to.....

Hmmmmm

Where is it?

~ Marsh

Try these links:


[b][i] [color:"blue"] { Exposure 101} [/color] [/i][/b]

[b][i] [color:"blue"] { Exposure 102} [/color] [/i][/b]

If they won't work, copy and paste the following into your web browser:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

AND

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

You might also take a look at the Spying 101 thread. Sounds like you might be able to use some of the techniques suggested in that thread to find the OM and set up a good exposure plan.

the links on the first post of exposure 101 don't work for me, I have trid these before

BTW ww is with OM right now somewhere it is killing me, how can I not say something when she comes home tonight?

Then cut and paste the URL's into your web browser.

By reminding yourself that you will concentrate all your energies on something more effective...like spying!!!!!

What about hiring a PI? Can you do this?

You need a plan.

~ Marsh

Hi aph:

Having your wife out with the OM is not fun. Been there, done that. Pretty much straight out horrible. You certainly can, and should say something to her when she gets home. Remind her that her actions are disrespectful of the marriage, that you're not willing to give up on it, but she's hurting your love for her. Do that without lovebusting... simple, straightforward facts.

You're only a couple weeks into this. You don't need a PI here---you need some coaching from the Harley's. I've given this advice to you before, and I'll continue to sound like a broken record---at this point in the affair, it's critical to get some grounded, professional help. Once you understand Plan A and are successfully working on it---you can lay off the counseling until you're ready to transition to Plan B. But do it now.

The stuff with spying doesn't seem to be a good use of your time. When you suspect an affair but aren't sure---that's a good time. You know that there's an affair going on. Even if you can't ID the guy---does it really matter?


You're harping on your wife, and she doesn't like it. If you're going to do Plan A---you need to readjust. In fact, there is material on this site (maybe the old Q&A's) where Harley actually recommends that if your spouse is so committed to moving out, you cheerfully help her to do so---all along acknowledging that it's not what you want...

Affairs love secrecy---which is why it's important to expose them to the spouse. Affairs also love the 'part time' nature of the relationship. Let 'em have each other 100% of the time, and see how that works out...

Seriously---call the Harley's and make an appointment. Tomorrow.

i plan to get an appt. with them soon, i feel like it might be too late, but i'm trying not to LB and back off temporarily. i've been reading as much as I can here to get a plan together on my own also, but there are so many questions right now it seems impossible. For example, she'll be alone for three days coming up and I had a chance to "make her" come with me out of state to visit family, but I thought that would be unfair since I knew she would be uncomfortable the whole time, now I feel like I screwed up becuase it's going to enable her to be with OM without any pressure......this sucks! I promised I wouldn't change my mind and I leave on friday, should I make her come now?

No. You could offer. Expect to be turned down...


Have I mentioned that I think you should call the Harley's and schedule phone counseling? NOW!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ok i will.......but the money is an issue, even though i would give anything to save our marriage! I feel so helpless at the moment though and just sitting here again tonight knowing WW is probably with OM, and probably going to be with OM all weekend has me fearing the worst. my situation is very similar to several others on here so I'm just trying to keep myself same by reading about what they are doing and what the experts on here are suggesting. It's still early in my situation and I have hope, i just feel like I am loosing ground every second WW is not here.