Hey, I just saw you renamed your thread...I came in by way of another route...didn't see it until now.

LA

FB,

I have had a case of the "if onlies" since the affair. It's really tough to get over the regrets of the past.

Consider that AW has his own set of "if onlies", too.

Everyone has them, a different set for each of us.

Enough to go around.

Come to think of it, I had a case of them before the affair, only about other stuff....and now added to the stack are new things.

Oh well, human nature, that.


Don't beat yourself up about them. You are 24 years old. I'm 51, so I imagine I have about double the if-only stack you have. I thought my mom, who's 80, probably had a few more in her stack.

But turns out, she doesn't. She says she learned somewhere along the way that this stuff comes and goes. You have to leave it where it lies, because if you try to pack it along the trail of life with you, it tries to take you over. You get too burdened, and somewhere along the line you realize that

YOU are the only one worried about your stack.

Hmmmm.


If I'm the only person worried about my stack, then I can make the decision to leave off the junk I don't want to carry any longer, right?



Think about that. You choose what to carry.

When you're sitting there thinking, "if only", make the choice to think "in the future, I will do _________, starting right this moment" instead. No more if-only moments from now on.

Action, thinking of ways to move forward, is what helped me get through the pain. I hope this helps you in some way.

SB

Well, it's pretty much done now. My H admitted that he was yet again avoiding the truth concerning things with the OW. I lost it. we fought and I eventually went to my room to just try to calm myself down, but yet again, he refused to leave me alone. I double lost it. I broke his guitar, glasses, and a picture. He knocked the air out of me, and later pushed me across the room. His parents and my dad came over and I still lost it. I ended up in a screaming match with his parents, things didn't go well with my dad and me... my dad told me and my H that I just need to move on and stop dwelling on the A....

The police came, made my H leave or go to jail...so he went to his parents house...

I don't think this can or should be saved anymore. This whole thing has put me/pushed me/challenged me more than I can handle and stay grounded.

he just called and asked if he could come home tomorrow and i said no, i want a D.

I'm not justifying anything, just telling you what happened.

I just feel so tired, alone and ashamed. Maybe life will turn around and get better, but at this point I just pretty much feel hopeless.

FB,

I have been in an abusive relationship. It is very difficult. Has he ever hit you before?

SB

What does that mean? Did you start asking questions and he just refused to answer?

No matter what happened today, it will get better.

SS, you are an idiot.

You completely missed that he hit her.

Troll, please leave.

At this point, it is beyond the OW, and the focus right now needs to be different.

Sheesh.

Schoolbus, you're making assumption again. I'm just trying to figure out why he got so mad. Once again, please leave me alone!

Fireblossom, has he hit you in the past before? Does he have a temper problem?

He was mad bc I broke his stuff..

I didn't see if you answered the above inquiry from Schoolbus, FB.

Has he hit you before?

Jo

That does not give him the right to hit you.

Yes, it was bad to do that to his stuff. But there is NO excuse for abuse. NONE.

Jo

fb, so sorry that you are in this situation.

i dont care about any of the stuff i have, not worth hitting someone over, this is crazy...

in my thoughts and prayers.

Where were the children during all of this?

FB, I am so sorry this happened. FWIW, I agree totally with SB & Jo.

I also hope you stick around no matter what happens as a result of this. MB is a wonderful place to recover from indfidelity, whether together or alone.

For now it is time to take a deep breath and explore what happened. You have some excellent support on board, who are qualified to advise you in this.

You did the right thing. He needs to stay at his parents.

As far as filing for divorce. You're too emotionally raw right now to think about all of that. You should never make an important decision when you are in crisis. I'm not saying divorce is needed or not, I'm just saying you need time to calm down before doing any long term decision making.

Again, can I ask, has he hit your before and where were the children during all of this?

Jo

From personal experience, take the time apart for a few days before you decide anything.

Get support from your family or close friends. Don't decide anything, and don't do anything.

If he calls, for the time being, just tell him that you need time. Then, have someone else tell him to give you some time, and to remain calm on his end.

Calmness and support are what you need right now. To try to talk it out too soon, before you've had time to process what happened and really get calm, isn't a good idea.

He's angry that you broke things. You're angry that he hit and pushed you.

A few days to gather yourselves and consider what has happened, what your thoughts are, will give both of you some time to figure out what you really want in the years ahead, and give you a calmer head about you.

Take a breath, take some time.

SB

I agree with the others. Time for some self care. Sounds like you have been pushed to the limit. So sorry today was so bad.

I tossed all of the Christmas presents out in the street 4 years ago. It was awful.

Please take some time AWAY from him. Guard your heart. Prayers going up from California.

Sorry, I didn't see that post from schoolbus....

He's hit me once or twice, I can't really remember exactly.

When bringing up the history of our relationship in this area, I would be being dishonest to leave out some of it.

Early on in our relationship, still just dating, we would get into these huge fights, usually out in the driveway in my car. I would want to leave, but he wouldn't let me. He'd stand in the space between my car door and my car... finally I dug my key into his arm and I guess it shocked him enough that I was able to leave, but I got the guilt trip of a lifetime and took full responsibility for it and made it up to him for days and days afterward.

By the time we were engaged, he was not allowing me to even walk out of our apartment during a fight... and I am ashamed that I escalated it to hitting him. I didn't know my rights. I didn't know that what he was doing was illegal and considered being held against my will. And I felt like I was a messed up human being and that my temper, anger was all my fault. I was ashamed. And of course, I gave him the royal treatment to make it up to him later.

This went on for awhile after we got married and I got so depressed I went to the Dr. and got medication... I was only 21 and the anti depressant and my life situation was bleak, and I made the wrong decision to try to take my life. I ODed on the AD. I went to the hospital, got my stomache pumped. I admitted to the counselor what I had been doing but didn't explain the full situation (bc I felt that there was no excuse for my abuse). He told me I needed to take responsibility for my life. I did. I didn't hit him again.

My H continued the same behavior, but I just started giving in to him. When I was six weeks pregnant we got into a fight, and I was laying on my bed begging him to leave me alone but he wouldn't. Every couple of minutes he would come in and say some nasty thing to hook me into a fight with him, but I just kept quiet. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was trying to keep myself as calm as possible. I didn't want to blow up again... I'd worked so hard to hold those feelings inside (I didn't get that what he was doing was wrong).

After about 2 hours of this, I started throwing up every time he walked in the room.. I ended up dehydrated and in the hospital and spotting... I was almost losing the baby. I am RH- so the drs assumed I was having problems was because the baby must have been rh +, so they gave me a shot and I got better. (My H was no longer berating me either). They asked me at the hospital if I'd been abused in any way, but I was too afraid and had too much self doubt and very little conviction to say anything.

I left him a couple weeks after that... we just couldn't stop fighting. it was during this separation that he began developing the relationship with the OW.

I don't remember all the details but somehow we got back together... he set up MC for us... I felt like he was really wanting to do the right thing.

We were kind of mellow and didn't fight too hard while we were back together for those months (I think he was distracted with OW)..

Anyway, this behavior started up again in the last several months really badly. He refused to leave me alone. I walk to my room close the door, lock it.... and he takes the doorknob off the door, opens it, opens the bathroom door.. finds me and starts in on my. He's a bully. This may sound ridiculous, but sometimes I feel like I married my stalker.

He knows, if he pushes me far enough, I will do something I regret. and when I do or say something I regret, I feel horrible about it for days and days. He doesn't have to force me to stay anymore, because he knows I wouldn't leave my kids, but he also wouldn't let me take them and leave. I have felt trapped. I wouldn't put it past him to lock me out of the house if I left alone, so I've been afraid to do that, IF he actually would let me... and even when I have done that, I never hear the end of it.

I don't posess the ability to calm myself down in his presence, especially when he's saying the meanest, most untrue things just to hook me into a fight. I just try to stay quiet, but then he tells me I'm psycho etc... I keep hoping he'll leave me alone and go away, but he can go like this for hours. Me, laying in the bed saying little to nothing... him saying the most hurtful, awful things to try to get a response. With the A, learning to handle 2 young babies, my hormones being out of whack since I stopped breastfeeding, I've just felt out of control. I believe I have PMDD so I recently got on medication to help with that...There have been two incidences in the last couple months where I hit him again when he wouldn't leave me alone. It was in these circumstances that I've described. I don't know what to make of all of this. I am ashamed. I hate that this has happened, I hate that I have made bad choices, I hate that I have been too ashamed to ask for help, but I feel that I have been so much at fault in all this. I know without a doubt that there is no excuse for abuse.

Thanksgiving day we were fighting and he got so mad he punched the wall... he broke his hand, and said he punched the wall to avoid breaking my face.

I didn't, however, touch him today. Yes I broke his stuff. But I didn't touch him.

It's ok if you're disgusted with me, I am disgusted with me. I don't know what to make of this... I have been so ashamed of my own behavior.

He was holding our son when he knocked the air out of me and our kids were in the room when he pushed me across the room.

You need to get help to leave him. If your parents or friends won't help, get some counseling for abuse.

I left my abusive husband when my kids were 5 and 2, and my oldest STILL remembers those days. And he is 26.