Get a restraining order if you have to to keep him away. Let him know that he is NOT welcome in your life until he gets some anger management counseling for him, and the two of you go to counseling together. And until that happens, get some counseling for yourself.

And I would wait until he has proven for at least a year that he has changed, and won't bully, control, or be abusive to you. And that includes verbal abuse.

Do you have someone who can come stay with you and give you some support?

I stayed in an abusive relationship as a teenager for three years. I felt trapped. I felt disgusted with myself when I hit him, the way you feel, FB.

I hit him because I just had no other way out, either. He would goad me, trap me, push me, do things so he had an excuse to "make me understand" or "make me straighten up".

One time, I jumped out of a moving car because he would not stop hitting me inside the car, and would not stop.

It got worse from there, FB. It didn't get better.

Even after a night in protective custody, overnight in jail in protective custody from him, I went to him and apologized TO HIM for his HAVING TO BEAT ME. What is that????? I apologized to him for his having to beat me in public.


It was a crazy-making life. A crazy-making relationship.

It was not love.

Love is not this kind of thing. It is NOT hitting. It is NOT uncontrolled raging against things around you. It doesn't have to feel this way. It does not have to hurt to love someone. It does not have to hurt to have a husband, to be married, to have a life together.

And your children are in danger.

The two of you need counseling - apart from each other - because right now, you are not good together, or for one another.

The situation is such that you are hurting each other, and getting children in between the two of you.

I am all for building marriages. But in the case where violence is escalating, and you are having police come over, hitting one another, destroying property,

and risking babies

it is time to stop this cycle.


The two of you need to be apart for awhile, and let things get very cool before anything else happens. At the point where you two decide to speak again, to meet, I suggest you have other people around, professionals (a counselor, pastor, or someone trained), to go through the steps of talking this thing through. But you two should probably stay apart until after you have had some serious counseling and intervention, so that you know what you're doing, and why.

That's my opinion. Having been there, done that, and having done it the wrong way - I would have and should have done it this way.

I would have, and should have, left this abusive relationship on first notice, and didn't. You would not have to tell me twice now. One chance, I leave.

Please, consider your safety and your children before you do ANYTHING. This can be life and death, and it is serious. This stuff escalates too fast, and you must consider this FB. Get professional help before your next move.

Schoolbus

My mom is here now, but I don't think she's staying overnight.

My dad, in his overzealous "I'm not going to take sides just bc she's my daugther" has essentially taken my H's side. He doesn't understand that while my behavior today was wrong, that it was behavior of a person pushed to their limit. I did bite back at my dad... he didn't so much as say 'what my H did today was wrong' he just wants to apply his normal relationship principles to this situation, but he doesn't recognize that this is not a normal relationship. He always pushes me to take responsibility for my side of things, which I understand, but he is completely blind to my H's behavior.

And my H is loving it.. just before the police officer arrived he taunted me that my dad was on his side, and again in the phone call. He's apparently been talking to my dad all evening filling him in on his warped rationale. My mom says my dad knows he doesn't know the whole story, but at the moment I am at an impasse with my dad, and do not feel like speaking with him. I am so angry that my H can do what he did, and it didn't draw up any protective instincts in my dad.. I just got a lecture.

I understand the seriousness of it all...and I want to stay away from him, and can see the scariness and danger. I'm worried that I will get drawn in again...Why am I so weak? I just don't understand how I always get sucked back in? I'm afraid I will again, before he's proven anything.

Get counseling for yourself, or join a women's support group with other women going through the same thing.

I got sucked back in many times, but finally found the courage and support to leave. Best thing I ever did.

Your dad thinks he is helping, but he ISN'T.

You need experts to help you through this. Hang in there, and keep reading here. We will support you.

And tell your mom the whole story of what has been going on in your life. Then tomorrow get some outside help.

Thank you all so much for so much support... this board has literally been my lifeline to understanding my situation. You guys have helped me to clarify my thoughts and to see that I'm not alone, even though I feel that way.

I told my mom what's really going on, and she gets it.. It will only be so long before my dad comes around. This is VERY out of their element, and my dad is very much about being a peacemaker, but he doesn't understand how those principles don't apply in my situation bc of the abuse factor... YET.

I am definitely going to take some serious time for myself to get my head on straight... and I really reallly need all the support I can get. Thank you SO much... I can't thank you enough.

I have read you and your H's stories and have held off from writing anything b/c I am new here and don't feel I have much to offer yet. But please know that noone here is ashamed of you! And you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself!!! This man is an abuser and it will only get worse, as schoolbus said ealier. I have never been in this type of relationship, so I will steer clear of giving you any advice-you are getting it from the best people here already!

I just want you to be OK...and to know that while you may feel bad about "your part" in the things that have happened, you cannot blame yourself. You need to get some help (outside of your parents) so you can forgive yourself (b/c it is not your fault), and begin to love yourself, because you deserve it. You can be the person that you want to be...and you can be happy. Then you will have the very best things to offer- to yourself and to your children...what you and they deserve...to be HAPPY!! It is possible! Please believe this. I am so sorry you have had to deal with all of this-you will be in my prayers tonight!

Thank you Lala..schoolbus, resilient, believer, yall are really my strength right now.

My mom ended up staying overnight and apparently it occurred to her sometime in the night that I may be 'hearing' from my H that 'it's all my fault' because deep down I think it is.. From my POV it seemed she was implying that much of this is in my head... I think she's just trying to 'help', but she doesn't get how her and my dad's advice is enabling the abuse. At this point, I'm ok with pushing my parents away to a point to guard myself. I will take their practical help, but I have to guard myself against their advice until they understand that this is not normal. They very obviously do not get what's going on here.

I feel more peaceful now that he's gone, even though it's scary and I don't really know what I'm going to do yet. But take him out of the picture and the drama, the shadiness of my life dissipates.

Do any of you know any links to helpful articles about abuse that I could read, and possibly send to my parents? I'm sure they would read them... maybe if they can read it from a reliable source it will open their eyes and they can start doing things that would actually help..

Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help.
Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again. But you fear it will. At times you may start to doubt your own judgment, or wonder whether you're going crazy. You may even feel like you've imagined the whole thing. But the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be the victim of domestic violence.

Also called domestic abuse, intimate partner violence or battering, domestic violence occurs between people in intimate relationships. It can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Men are sometimes abused by female or male partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. It can happen in heterosexual or lesbian relationships.

Unfortunately, domestic violence against women is common. It happens to teenage girls and women of all backgrounds. As many as 4 million women suffer abuse from their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners in the United States each year.

Recognizing abuse: Know the signs. It may not be easy to identify abuse, especially at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. For example, abuse may begin with occasional hurtful comments, jealousy or controlling behavior. As it gets worse, the abuse may become more frequent, severe or violent. As the cycle of abuse worsens, your safety or the safety of your children may be in danger.

You may be a victim of abuse if you're in a relationship with someone who:

Controls finances, so you have to ask for money
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Acts jealous or possessive, or accuses you of being unfaithful
Tries to control how you spend your time, who you see or talk to, where you go or what you wear
Wants you to get permission to make everyday decisions
Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
Scares you by driving recklessly
Threatens to kill him or herself
You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following:

Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon
Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will
Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
Prevents you from going to work or school
Stops you from seeing family members and friends
Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets
Destroys your property
Controls your access to medicines
Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it
Tries to force you to drop charges
Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care
Pregnancy, children and abuse
Pregnancy is a particularly perilous time for an abused woman. Not only is your health at risk, but also the health of your unborn child. Abuse can begin or may increase during pregnancy.

Abusive relationships can also be particularly damaging to children, even if they're just witnesses. But for women in an abusive relationship, chances are much higher that their children also will be direct victims of abuse. Over half of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their children.

You may worry that seeking help may further endanger you or your children, or that it may break up your family. But in the long run, seeking help when you safely can is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

An abusive relationship: It's about power and control
Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner.

Although a lot of people think domestic violence is about anger, it really isn't. Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner. But it's not really about anger. It's about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship. In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control, including:

Emotional abuse. Uses put-downs, insults, criticism or name-calling to make you feel bad about yourself.
Denial and blame. Denies that the abuse occurs and shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior onto you. This may leave you confused and unsure of yourself.
Intimidation. Uses certain looks, actions or gestures to instill fear. The abuser may break things, destroy property, abuse pets or display weapons.
Coercion and threats. Threatens to hurt other family members, pets, children or self.
Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession.
Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car.
Children as pawns. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children's protective services.
Economic abuse. Controls finances, refuses to share money, makes you account for money spent and doesn't want you to work outside the home. The abuser may also try to sabotage your work performance by forcing you to miss work or by calling you frequently at work.
Breaking the cycle: Difficult, but possible with help
Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's difficult to break. If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:

Your abuser strikes using words or actions.
Your abuser may beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or promise to change.
Your abuser becomes tense, angry or depressed.
Your abuser repeats the abusive behavior.
Typically each time the abuse occurs, it worsens, and the cycle shortens. As it gets worse, you may have a hard time doing anything about the abuse or even acknowledging it. Over time, an abusive relationship can break you down and unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem. You may begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself. You may start to feel like the abuse is your fault, or you may even feel you deserve it.

This can be paralyzing, and you may feel helpless or as though your only option is to stay in the abusive situation. It's important to recognize that you may not be in a position to resolve the situation on your own.

But you can do something — and the sooner you take action the better. You may need outside help, and that's OK. Without help, the abuse will likely continue. Leaving the abusive relationship may be the only way to break the cycle.

A number of government and private agencies provide resources and support to women who are abused and their children. These resources include 24-hour telephone hot lines, shelters, counseling and legal services. Many of these services are free and can provide immediate assistance.

Create a safety plan
Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. You're the only one who knows the safest time to leave. You may know you are in an abusive relationship and realize you need to leave as soon as you safely can. Or, you may be concerned about your partner's behavior and think you may need to get out at some point in the future. Either way, being prepared can help you leave quickly if you need to. Consider taking these precautions:

Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.
Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.
Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.
Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.
If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities or school counselor about custody arrangements and warn them about possible threats.
Keep your communication private
It isn't uncommon for an abuser to monitor mail, telephone and Internet communication. Take precautions to help maintain your privacy and safety by following these steps.

Telephone conversations

Avoid making long-distance phone calls from home. Your abuser could trace the calls to find out where you're going.
Be cautious when using a cell phone. Your abuser may be able to intercept conversations using a scanner. Switch to a corded phone if you're relaying sensitive information.
Be aware of controlling use of your cell phone. Your abuser may use frequent cell phone conversations or text messages as a way to monitor and control your activities. An abuser may also check your cell phone to see who has called, or attempt to check your messages.
Computer use
If you think your abuser is monitoring your computer use, the safest bet is to access a computer at a friend's house or at the library. If you do use a shared home computer, there are several steps you can take to help maintain your privacy:

Use a Web-based program for e-mail. Programs such as Outlook Express, Netscape Mail and Eudora store sent and received e-mails on your computer. A Web-based e-mail service is safer. Most of these services — such Gmail, Hotmail and Yahoo mail — offer free e-mail accounts.
Store files on the Internet. You can store files online and access them from any computer. A few companies that offer this service are IBackup and HyperOffice. You can also store documents as attachments in e-mail programs.
Change your password often. Choose passwords that would be impossible to guess. The safest passwords contain at least six characters, both numbers and letters. Avoid easily guessed numbers and sequences.
Clear your Web-browser history. Browsers such as Internet Explorer or Netscape Navigator keep a record of the Web pages and documents you have accessed. They also store graphics of images you look at. You can also use a program such as AbsoluteShield Internet Eraser or Speed Tracks Eraser to clear your Internet records.
Clear your document history. Applications such as Word or Excel keep a record of edited documents. Don't store or edit any documents you don't want your abuser to see on a shared computer.
Where to find help
No one deserves to be abused. If you think you may be in an abusive situation, seek help or advice as soon as you safely can. There are many resources available to help you. The first step to getting out of an abusive situation may be as easy as making one phone call. In an emergency situation, call 911, your local emergency number or your local law enforcement agency. If you aren't in immediate danger, the following resources can help:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE, or (800) 799-7233. Provides crisis intervention and referrals to in-state or out-of-state resources, such as women's shelters or crisis centers.
Your doctor or hospital emergency room. Treats any injuries and refers you to safe housing and other local resources.
Local women's shelter or crisis center. Typically provides 24-hour, emergency shelter for you and your children, advice on legal matters, advocacy and support services, and evaluation and monitoring of abusers. Some shelters have staff members who speak multiple languages.
Counseling or mental health center. Most communities have agencies that provide individual counseling and support groups to women in abusive relationships. Be wary of advice to seek couples or marriage counseling. This isn't appropriate for resolving problems of violence in intimate relationships.
Local court. Your district court can help you obtain a court order, which legally mandates the abuser stay away from you or face arrest. These are typically called orders for protection or restraining orders. Advocates are available in many communities to help you complete the paperwork and guide you through the court process.
Books and online resources. Learning more about how to cope with your situation and communicating with others who understand what you're going through can help you make strong choices.

MORE ON THIS TOPIC
Elder abuse: Signs to look for, action to take
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)


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And you really don't need to feel like you have to convince anyone. You know what is happening in your life. Keep him away, whatever it takes.

I had 2 small kids and no job when I left my sons' father, and it was scary. But it wasn't as bad as staying. I decided it didn't matter if I had to get two jobs, go on welfare, move in with friends, I would DO it.

As long as he knows he can, he will try to suck you back in without making any changes.

If you tell yourself after reading the fantastic post that believer just put up: "that's not me" or "it's not like that with us" or "I don't need to go that far, he won't really hurt me or the kids"- THINK AGAIN!

W2s and I read your WH's posts, and we both agree that this is not a person you need to stay with...and I would never say that to someone who wants to work on the M for their young children and themselves. But this is different, and the fact that he gave you that line about your dad being on "his side" is proof that you are not going to be able to change him. He is too far gone and needs IC on his own b4 you could even entertain the thought of being with him again. The fact that you are at peace with him gone speaks volumes. I know you are scared to be on your own with 2 small children, but you deserve to be happy!!

I hope you can find the strength to do what is needed to keep yourself and your children safe.

Fireblossom...I have been asked to take a look at your thread and rather than reading back over the whole thread,
I was wondering if you could answer a few questions for me.

A little about me....I am a male and a former police officer that know works with a lot of children/adult victims of spousal abuse. I come at this from the unique perspective of having been a victim of abuse/having been a cop and now an advocate.

My questions are this...

What exactly has your H done to you physically?
What have you done to him?
Have you ever sought help from a shelter or the police? If not, why not?
Have your children ever been put in harms way? Have they ever witnessed the abuse from either of you?
How long has the abuse been going on?
What usually triggers him getting physical? I ask this because I have gone on calls where a man NEVER raised his hand to his wife until he was defending himself...and she would think he should be locked up.

What are you willing to do today to change this situation?
Do you know that you don't deserve to be hit (or that you have no right to hit someone else?).

A lot of the stuff you will find on the net is woefully one sided when it comes to abuse. Own your own stuff....and take charge of what you can change. Do not be afraid to reach out for help...to let you know, if need be, I can help you locate help in your area and help you through the process if need be.

I will go back and read a bit of the thread and wait for your replies.

MEDC

Exactly! B is giving you great advice.

FB,

One thing I did was apologize

to HIM

over and over again for his having to beat me.


Think about that. I always seemed to take responsibility for the fighting, for the abuse, for the problems in the relationship.

I always felt that the problem was me.


While I had my role in the problem, it was NOT ME.

It was a relationship gone wrong, gone horribly wrong, and the cycle of violence had escalated to a point where if we had continued, one of us would have been hurt badly. Probably me.

You are at the start of this cycle, right now. You have children.

I understand the feelings you have. You feel like he needs you, because he is lost, and you understand him. He is weak, and comes to you when he is weak. No one understands him better than you do, and he will not be able to stand on his own without your support. You feel sorry about the state of the relationship, that it is so degenerated, and you fully understand that your own temper and anger has fed the problems. When you lose control, the situation escalates, and the fur flies. I know that fight, BTDT.

You think, "If only I had controlled myself, he wouldn't have had to do what he did."

You think, "If I change myself, he will be better, because I will be able to help him change and be better."

You think, "He needs me."

While you have these thoughts, the problem is that the love for him is guiding a sense of pity for him, and fuels a weak spot in you - pushing you to look at the relationship in terms of what you WANT it to be, what you WISH it to be.

But that's your FANTASY of this relationship, and not the REALITY of it.

The reality of this relationship right now is that it is out of control. You have a great deal of anger toward him, and the evidence is that you destroyed his guitar and things. I think it's very important that you chose that specific item - it represents a lot about him, and from where I've been, I'd like to pose a question....

Is the guitar also a symbol of the mistress to him, in your mind? Maybe, in a way, another mistress?

The guitar takes his time, his money, his love. He sees it as his conduit to stardom. It meets his EN for admiration when he plays it and others look at him in awe and admire him for his talent. And it was also one of the links to the OW in this case.

So you attacked it, and all it represented?


Maybe. Just something to think about, I'm just putting it out there for you.



But regarding your relationship with him, you will need to think long and hard about this. I'm also not surprised about your dad's response. My dad's first question about what happened when my xBF beat the he// out of me and I was put in protective custody was, "What did you to do him to make him beat you up?". Gee, dad, thanks for the support. Of course it was MY fault - what else could it have been????

You see, maybe the problem with you blaming yourself started somewhere else. You might not have far to look.

Ask yourself about your father's response to this - is this typical of him to blame you first, or is this different? If it's typical, then maybe that is something you would want to talk about with your counselor. It might be helpful, because it might open your eyes to your choices in men.


For now, I would go to some type of Plan B, only for your safety and sanity. You might want to explore a restraining order, and look at separation, too, in order for the both of you to essentially "go to your corners" and get counseling for awhile before anything permanent is decided.

Remember, you only control one thing in this relationship - yourself.

Take good and careful control of that one person, and you will be okay.

SB

Ok.. Over the course of the relationship he has physically:

-not allowed me to leave or walk away by putting his body between myself and the exit (many, many many times)
-banged my head on the back of a couch
-sprayed me with a water bottle incessantly
-thrown pennies at me, one by one (we had a big jar)
-knocked the air out of me while holding our 1 year old
-pushed me across the room in front of both our kids (I was airborne... I landed on our bed which is a good 3 1/2' off the floor.. on my back)
-chased me to my front door when I tried to jump out of the car while in the driveway.. he caught up with me and I apologized for being 'ridiculous' eventually

-destroyed my furniture and laughed about it with the OW
-destroyed most of our wedding pictures
-broken a lot of my things that I just don't remember right now
-broken doorknobs, punched holes in the walls/doors

What I have done to him:

-dug my keys into his arm when he wouldn't let me leavve or stood in my way
-hit him when he wouldn't let me leave
-poured water on him when he wouldn't leave me alone

-broke his guitar, glasses, and ripped the corner off a picture

I have called the police a twice this year when he tried to OD on prescription meds... they came out once but he was gone.

-I didn't get the police involved because I was afraid of going to jail for hitting him... I was also alway afraid to call because early on he had taken my phone away and wouldn't give it back when I tried to call someone, and then I got harsh judgement for it later.

If I had called the police to say he wouldn't leave me alone, what would the police have done?

-Verbal abuse and control has been going on from the very beginning. I guess there was a 'training period'... and I eventually just accepted it and didn't question his control. when we were just dating, if I tried to break up with him, he would call my cell continuously, then my house line, then my parents office line (they had an at home office) I was too ashamed to let my parents know what was going on so I would run to answere the phone... I was protecting him.

He has put the kids in harms way when he drives... he is an emotional driver and very agressive and careless when he's upset. He ran a red light and totaled my car when he was upset a few years ago. (he was the only one in the car) But i'm still afraid for him to drive the kids sometimes... he got another red light ticket a month ago, and there have been many times when I've had to tell him to stop at a light bc he wasn't paying attention.

Like I said before, he was holding our baby when he knocked the air out of me, and they were both in the room when he pushed me.

The times that he has hit me I didn't hit him first. I was afraid to press charges yesterday bc I pulled his glasses off his face, and the officer said if i pressed charges he could give my H a ticket or go to jail for what he did, and the same for me for the glasses.

I know I have had no right to hit. I know it was wrong. I don't make excuses for it, but I do want to paint the picture accurately, that it was not out of the blue.

How does the law protect against verbal/emotional abuse? What could I have done differently so it wouldn't have gotten to that point?

I am pretty willing to change doing things the way I've done them... even going to my dad's and staying with them like I have in the past, I think is a part of the cycle because I feel so neglected and unprotected even by them...

I need to know what my options are?

I'm not sure if my H reads this, but I'm 99% sure he will. should this be more private?

I promise you your husband is reading this. Controllers can't relinquish their control. If you can't make it on your own, go to a women's shelter. They will help you.

My sons' dad started out like yours - the throwing pennies and refusing to leave you alone reminds me of him. He had periods where things would be almost okay, and then it would escalate.

I never told my parents or my friends. Some suspected because I would stay isolated until my black eyes weren't noticeable. The last straw was when he kicked the door any, threw the baby crib across the room (with baby in it), and then knocked me down and kept kicking me. I was pregnant and lost the baby that night.

There is no appeasing this type of man. The best thing is to file a restraining order to keep him away, and if he shows up, throw him in jail a couple of times.