FB,

He will read this if he can.

It should not affect your plans one way or the other. He should recognize himself as a controlling man, and as an abuser, and the fact that he reads this might help him understand his need to stop. It might anger him. Either way, HE makes the choice of his actions, and HE lives with the consequences.

FB does not MAKE anyone else act in any way, FB does not MAKE anyone else do ANYTHING. So what your husband does, he must understand, and you must understand

are his choices, and only his choices.

FB makes her choices.

You asked what you could have done differently?

That's a tough question. We would have had to have been there for certain responses, but if your posts are accurate, you know you should have refrained from destroying his property, and from tearing his glasses from his face.

Hindsight is 20/20, of course. Looking back, I can say in my own sitch with xBF, I should have seen when the arguments were escalating, I should have shut my mouth and quietly allowed things to de-escalate, smoothed it over, and left quietly when it had calmed down. I should have left right after the first time he smacked me. I should have, should have, should have.

That's water under the bridge, of course.

At this point, what should you do? I think the concensus is that you need to be apart. If your parents do not fully support you and understand that this is an abusive situation, then they are not an option to consider. Look to friends, other relatives, even if it means moving further away. There may be church members willing to help you out, try contacting someone you know like that. There are shelters that will help you for a certain amount of time, and within most shelters are counselors who help you figure out the whats and whys of your relationship and future.

It's too complicated to know, in one day, what to do. For now, find a safe place for a few weeks to give yourself time to make more permanent decisions. Take the time to figure this out in a safe place - without his influence - and with good support and counseling. Once the fog of his control and abuse begins to lift, you will start feeling more strength in yourself, and your faith in your own decisions will begin to return. Right now, you need some support and a safe place. First things first.

SB

Schoolbus... I have apologized many times for acting 'psycho, ridiculous, nutty, wacky'... (his words)

When I was walking to my room to be alone yesterday when the fight was getting really heated, he said 'go ahead, go hide, go lay down, go be a NOBODY'. That's when I lost it and broke his guitar.

The guitar represents all those things you mentioned (he used to play and sing with her too with that specific guitar.. at the church) and it also represented to me his illusion that bc he can play and sing that somehow that made him a somebody and me a nobody.

He knocked the air out of me and pushed me after that, but before I broke his other things... I think.

The glasses represented the OW. He bought them with her, she even picked them out. I have hated them every day.

The picture was because I have never felt he understood the pain he has caused me with the A and I wanted him to feel some sense of pain, and to know that his pain doesn't even compare to what I feel bc of the A.

That is what I believe those things stood for... not trying to justify anything just telling you what my irrational thinking was.

I think you're right that my dad has definitely influenced how I came into the relationship with my H. I'm sure there's more to it than what I can see right now, I would like to go to counseling for that.. I don't want to end up in another relationship like this ever again.. either with him or a different man.

And if you can hook up with a women's support group where the women are going through the same thing, it will really help you. No one will understand you like those facing the same issue.

I have felt very much like that about a guitar in the past.

Not with the xBF. With my husband. I recognize the feelings. Yeah, it's not about the guitar, but in the heat of the moment, it IS about the guitar. I understand it perfectly.

I think everyone has these feelings about something in the aftermath of an affair - a guitar, a birthday card, a sweatshirt, a hockey team, something that just triggers the pain and frustration and anger. It's normal, FB.

What you need to get past is that you have learned, somewhere, that it is okay to let that anger and pain and frustration out by throwing things, hitting things and people, and destroying things.

I learned that from my dad.

I un-learned it from my SELF.

You can un-learn it, too.

But I had to un-learn it by getting myself away from people who lived this way, who practiced this every day, and who continued to act out like this in their lives.

It wasn't healthy for me to keep on living with people who were not healthy - their disease kept getting it's "cooties" on me, and I DIDN'T WANT THOSE COOTIES ANY LONGER.

So I moved away from them. I moved away from my family, my friends, everyone and everything I knew. Virtually cut off ties, with an occasional phone call to my mom to let her know I was alive and doing well.

And I thrived. It was tough, no doubt. Twice, I was on food stamps. Once, I lived in a VW bus on the beach. But my goodness, I was free and I made the changes to be who I knew I could be.

The kind of person who I am today.

I haven't hit another person in so long........and no one has hit me..........in over 30 years.................

I am blessed.

That is another lifetime ago.

It starts with baby steps, FB.

Step one, get to a safe place.
Step two, decide to be renewed, and safe for life.
Step three, recognize your needs, and get help.

You start with one step. Just one at a time. ONE.

Just make sure you NEVER STEP BACKWARD.

SB

This is my honest question...

How can you be so sure who the abuser is in this situation? Is it that obvious to you?

I struggle with whether I AM THE PROBLEM. How is it that I'm NOT the problem?

When you get away from him, you will figure out that YOU are not the problem.

No, you should NOT have destroyed his property, and you shouldn't hit either. Don't do it again, and don't give him a chance to entice you back unti HE takes care of his problems.

In the meantime you can take care of YOURS.

FB,

I'm sorry for what you've gone through; and I'm most sorry that this is not going to be a safe place, as your husband can read every single plan you make to protect yourself.

I have a bit of expertise in regard to domestic violence professionally and personally - and grew up witnessing my mom and dad's very physical and verbally abusive relationship during my entire childhood.

From the look of what you've shared, you've been in an unhealthy relationship since your dating days with him.

He uses force, control, isolation in order to control you. Please talk with the nearest women's shelter counselors about what to do. If you want to take our discussions off the board and away from your husband's insecurities and manipulations, you are welcome to contact Justuss for my e-mail address. I'd be happy to be of support to you.

Or you could post on the EN forum using a different name and title. We'll find you. But you can be certain that he is or will be reading here.

get away from this man and seek a restraining order. It should be easy to obtain based on what has happened.

If I had been the cop out there, he would have been arrested...at a minimum.

Please seek help immediately. If you need direction...feel free to contact me via email. i will be happy to help you and your children.

You may have some issues to deal with about yourself down the line, but what we are saying is that you cannot do this together (with him) right now. It is too violent, too upsetting and too dangerous for small children, and not at all conducive to the PEACE and HAPPINESS that you deserve. You can figure out what you want to change to ensure you fall in love with the right person next time, etc, LATER. But for right now just be safe and let your head clear for a while. Try to stop blaming yourself- there is too much to be done to get yourself and your children in a safe place physically and emotionally.

My prayers are with you...

Listen to MEDC. Keep him away - get a restraining order. I was always afraid to do anything, and afraid to call the cops - afraid that HE would hurt the cops. And of course, he was very charming to everyone else but me.

But, thank God, the neighbors called the cops. They arrived when he had me down on the ground outside kicking me (I'd tried to run), and I'm surprised that we BOTH weren't shot.

He went to jail, and a friend bailed him out. He came back and slapped me again the next day, and I called the cops this time.

Then I filed for divorce, and had to meet him to drop off the kids. He attacked me AGAIN, and I called the cops. It took some time, but he finally figured out that he COULDN'T do whatever he pleased.

B, I would have put a thumpin on that man.

We had one job where every time we showed up (4 times in one night) he would leave just before we got there. Well, finally, I sent my partner off with the wagon and I stayed behind...low and behold, he comes back twenty minutes later, angry and yelling, but finds a pissed off 25 year old cop waiting for him instead of his frail and middle aged wife! Let's just say, he didn't have too much time to contemplate his predicament before being taught a lesson he should have learned as young man(with his wife cheering me on in the background...too funny).

I would venture a pretty safe guess that he NEVER laid another hand on his wife or any other woman.

Good for you for being persistent with your H. Abusers are really cowards that need to be "punched" in the nose by the legal system or some strapping family member. As you found out, they need to be taught that they cannot act in that fashion and not face consequences.

{{{{{{B}}}}}}}

I only knew about the baby, not how he or she died. I'm so sorry.

Yep, MEDC - Ever since, I've had the utmost respect for police officers and what they go through. They had their shotguns ready, and I'm thankful that nothing awful happened. But, you know, he left the state and never bothered me again.

And abusers ARE cowards. They feel empowered when they can bully somebody not as strong.

I missed this in your posts before. I am so, so sorry. Your experience will help prevent this happening to others. Even though this was a long time ago, I am heartbroken for your loss.

{{{{B}}}}

He has agreed to stay away while I figure out what I want to do. He asked me for a time frame, I said two weeks.

He's coming to get his stuff tomorrow. Before I was going to leave w/the kids while he did this, but I'm not sure if I should do that, or have a police escort come while he's here so I don't risk passing him in the parking lot?

Thanks MEDC. Fireblossom's thread is bringing it all back.

Neak - I don't talk about it. Something here brought it out, because I don't want FB to go through anymore heartache.

And inbetween the abuse there were lots of good times. And I thought if I just did or didn't do this or that it would stop. But instead it escalated. That night we had been over at the neighbors having a barbecue, and letting the kids play. We came home, and were locked out. My husband thought I had the keys. He went back to the neighbors because he got angry. I boosted my son through the window and got in. And I left the door locked because I was angry. When he came back an hour later, he kicked it in.

And it turned out that HE had the key in his jacket.

"He has agreed to stay away while I figure out what I want to do. He asked me for a time frame, I said two weeks.

He's coming to get his stuff tomorrow. Before I was going to leave w/the kids while he did this, but I'm not sure if I should do that, or have a police escort come while he's here so I don't risk passing him in the parking lot? "

Get a police escort. And you are going to have to let him know that it will be a lot longer than 2 weeks.

FB, you have an email.