The police escort is a good idea.

And I will be completely shocked if he agrees to stay away until you decide what to do. He WON'T. His plan is to get back home as soon as possible. He will do whatever it takes to accomplish that. INSIST that he go to some counseling. And I WOULD get a restraining order Wednesday. All you do is go to court, fill out a paper that says he has been violent, or threatened violence, and you go before a judge right away and get the order.

FB, you have another email. YOU are not over reacting. Take this threat seriously. I have carried too many abused spouses to the morgue. Do not allow yourself to be one of them.

We are here to help you.

Hi everybody... this really is me. I just wanted to come on here since I had the chance and let you know that I'm okay and am in a shelter. Thank you to everybody who has lent me support and courage to do what's best for myself and my kiddos.

This was the best decision I've ever made in dealing with this relationship and am glad I did it... I will never regret it. My eyes have been opened to the kind of impact that kind of environment has had on my kids, and for that, I'm ashamed that I stayed around as long as I did. But, I'm thankful I got out before it got worse. I have a lot of work to do to undo the things they have been around, but I am relieved to now have the resources to be able to deal with that.

I've read through many of the threads so I know what he's saying about me. Here's the way I see it:
I definitely did things to contribute to the destructiveness..my reactions were not what they should have been. But I think I am at greater fault for what I didn't do, which was to get myself and my kids out of an unhealthy situation permanently. And I've done that now and am working toward getting on my feet and nurturing my kids and myself back to health.

Thank you all so much, I would still be blind and ignorant if it weren't for so many of you sharing your words with me. I'll update you as often as I can!

Prayers to you and your family. Most of us see through your husband's justifications. Hang in there and take good care of yourself. So glad you posted!

{{{{{Fireblossom}}}}}

Your thread made me see a lot of things in my own relationship.

Thank you for that.

Don't be afraid to ask for help FB, you aren't alone.

Check in when you can.

We (w2s and I) have been very worried, and I am glad you posted, too. I said to DH the other day that if any part of what he said about you is true, it is probably a direct result of being under his influence all these years. Your post confirms that. I am so happy for you that you have found what you need to get well and be safe. We are so proud of you for being so strong. Your courage is amazing!!!

Please keep us updated!

What an awesome message you make here .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

FB,

I've been where you are. I think I was even about the same age. I'm now 38 and my children are 17 and 19 (almost 18 & 20...wow).

If I could go back 15 years in my life and give myself some advice (which I can't, so I'll tell you instead), I would tell me two things.

1. The emotional control an abuser has over his victim is pretty powerful. The best way to combat that is to have absolutely NO CONTACT with him whatsoever.

Every single time I allowed myself to be duped, out of fear of being "mean" or whatever it was at the time, I somehow found myself right back in the same situation and feeling trapped.

Use every resource you have available to you and follow the advice of the people in the shelter. They have experience with this and likely understand as the patterns and behavior of abusers AND their victims are extremely predictable. Even if some of the steps seem counter-intuitive, it's important to do whatever is necessary to ensure your and your children's safety. Do not underestimate him.

2. Statistics show that the chances of your being abused, either physically or emotionally, in future relationships is very great. I recommend that you obtain counseling so that you have a greater understanding of why you chose such a relationship and how to recognize the red flags so that you see them clearly and know how to avoid such relationships in the future.

The choice you have made is a very brave one, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I remember when people told me that and I discounted it, saying that I wasn't brave at all, only that my fear of staying had finally surpassed my fear of leaving. That was nonsense. It was a strong, brave thing to do. Be proud of your choice.

And hug your little ones.

dear fireblossom

I realize I may be the last person you want to hear from.

I want to tell you how happy I am for you that you have found some place to be safe...

be kind and good to yourself..
and be gentle with yourself...

We are all vulnerable to being in situations where things become skewed to the point that we can no longer see how damaging they truly all especially when our hearts and emotions are tied to these things at the core...

insidiously we are all at risk for abnormal acts to become the norm..

you have thown the stone to ripple the pond that breaks the cycle

blessed are you as go the Beatitudes

do not waste a lot of time lamenting what you did...but draw on the knowledge gained and move forward

tread thoughtfully and slowly
always keep safety at the for-front of all thoughts and actions

think plan through before acting....
prepare for seiges of emotions and doubt

surround yourself with friends
keep a phone on you at all times
find a safe and healthy church
know that you are not alone
nor that there is anything wrong with you

and be at peace.....

I pray also that your husband finds healing and peace...

be well fireblossom...
be good to yourself

bless you and your family

ark^^

FB...I am happy to hear you are doing okay. Email me if you need anything.

bump for speacegirl

Wow... I just read through my thread completely for the first time since I left... What a huge difference 2 weeks make.

I can really see how my perspective has been skewed... I can't believe I actually defended him.

I get so much counseling where I am, it's great.. I'm sorting out so many feelings and I really have a sense of peace, of ownership of my life that I haven't had in a long time. I'm still struggling with many things, but I finally have real hope, and so much peace.

I don't remember who said it... they said something like, 'get away from him and then you'll see that you're not the problem'. I have seen that to be true. I am such a better mommy now, and I just feel better about myself. The tension is gone... I was talking to my sister last night and we just observed how odd it was that I'd be so happy in my present circumstances. I feel so secure in knowing that he can't bully me anymore. I get to have peace and quiet... alone time without his 'picking' comments made to make me feel bad.

My kids are number one now. My main concern is to protect them, take care of them, and give them a calm, secure, structured, peaceful environment where they feel safe and happy. I can't tell you how blessed I feel to have a much more proper perspective on my role in life.

I hope anyone struggling with abuse can read this and see that there is hope. There is peace of mind, there are resources and people out there to help you. Don't let fear run your life. That's no way to live, and it's no way of life for children to learn by either.

I have so many hurdles and things to still work out it's overwhelming, but I really just feel like saying "bring them on." I'm not scared anymore. I have power and I'm using it.

BTW, Ark... you are NOT the last person I'd want to hear from.. You obviously had some really valuable insight that I didn't see at the time, but I see it now because I'm more aware of the BIG picture. Thanks for your honesty, and your concern!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

very, very happy to see this update!

Oh, me too!

I think it was Believer who said that to you about getting away from him will show you that you are not the problem. She has been through it, and knows what it is like.

I am so happy for you! So glad you are finding that strength within yourself! You are so brave!

God bless you and your children!!

FB,
Your story just breaks my heart.
Did you get a restraining order on your WH? I had to get one on my WH and although it is very hard, you will have the protection you need through the legal channels.
What state do you live in?

When we went before the judge, he also hashed out visitation and child support at the same time, so it is beneficial in other ways.
I was also able to suggest programs for my husband. He is currently in a Batterers Intervention Program which meets once a week for 6 months. That is a long time! It is much like group counseling and he has shared with me (pre-Plan B) some of the things they discuss.

bump for faith10

First of all, I just wanted to again say thank you to everyone on here who has lent me their wisdom and support! This place was where I came and was able to be completely honest without shame, and it was the first step for me to finally get out of my abusive marriage. Thank you guys.

My divorce was finalized April 28!! Now that the D is final, I feel like I can be a little more open. What a huge burden lifted off my shoulders to be done with all of it. We have joint custody of the kiddos, but I have primary posession. Making the leap from stay at home mom in an abusive relationship to working single mom hasn't been easy, but I've been taking it one day at a time.

Throughout the separation the XH tried every which way to try to get me back: intimidation, bullying, apologizing, making promises, manipulating... His counselor even called me to say he was working on his issues and was on his way to being a "good Christian man". I know better.. he was manipulating her too and probably still is. Even since that phone call that he was supposedly making so much progress I've been cussed out and had terrible things said to me.

The XH still harasses me from time to time now that the D is done. I believe his current goal of harassing me is to attempt to tear down my confidence as a mother. He takes every opportunity he can to attempt to find fault in my mothering. Like, the fact that my D had some ant bites (like 2 or 3!!)... but later it was determined that she had actually gotten them at his mom's house! He says that the kids will choose to live with him when they're old enough, that they like it better with him, etc. He can say what he wants now, it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm not going to make my kids choose between us or even ask that of them. I'm not going to try to compete with his 'Chuck E Cheese' parenting, either. My goal is to raise my kids to be disciplined, decent, responsible, happy adults. I don't talk bad about him in their presence and try to avoid conflict in their presence, which is not always easy with him since he's such a talented antagonizer.

Although it's hard sometimes, I do my best to not get wrapped up in the drama that he tries to create. I choose to not defend myself with him in order to not fight. I just let him say what he wants, I know otherwise. My worst fear is that my kids will experience the tension and witness the fighting again, so I do my best to ignore him so that doesn't happen. Any attention to him is what he's seeking and it seems like he just twists my words around when I respond anyway, so it's really pointless to do anything other than ignore him.

This may be a point of contention on here, but I've been seeing a guy.. I started dating him in March. I know it would've been best to just wait until the D was final, but in my defense, I wasn't cake eating. There was zero chance of reconciliation from the beginning of our separation.

Even though it's pretty soon, it's been really good for me to have him. Common sense says it's a rebound thing, but time will tell. I have a really great connection with him and really care about him a lot and he seems to care about me too. He's 29, never been married, no kids, has his own house, a good job, two adorable dogs and is tall, athletic, and good looking to top it off

I've recognized recently that I'm a wee bit codependent, lol on the 'wee bit'. My BF is very much NOT codependent so I admit I get frustrated with him when he's 'not making me happy'. But I'm at this really great place where I can see that and recognize that it's not his job to 'make me happy' or 'make me feel better', etc... I'm really learning about healthy boundaries. It's not always easy dealing with the past while in a relationship, but I just like my BF too much to give him up, and I still go to counseling, group counseling, church and I journal about things as well.

I'm still working out my job situation.. my first job didn't work out and now I'm working and going back to school to get some skills to get a better job.

Well, I intended just to write a little update and I ended up writing a novel!

FB, so good to hear from you and that you and your little family are doing so well!


And this... very healthy way to live, for you and the kiddos.

As far as the new BF, yep, it probably is a little early for that, but yanno, your best chance any ANY future relationships is to educate yourself on what a great marriage looks like. Continue to learn the principals of MB and apply them IRL. If you get real serious with this guy, maybe even ask him to learn them too!

Stick around... post to other women who are NOW in the fire you were in. Hearing and seeing that there is hope out of a hopeless situation may be all that some need to take the first step.