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And for those who think what I'm doing is "wrong" - I'd like to hear what alternatives you'd suggest that are "better" for the kids?

I'm not saying your wrong!
I'm only suggesting you look at whats BEST not just what the world is saying is OK......
Re-read the questions I asked in my last post and ponder them honestly without the rose colored glasses.
Only you can answer these???



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The kids would already be torn if they had to spend the day with one or the other... spend it with Dad and miss it with Mom - or spend it with Mom and miss it with Dad. How is that "better"?
Sucks as a kid either way!
I feel many parents are alleviating their own guilt with questions like this.....SORRY




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IMO it's better for the kids to have 2 parents who can get along and be friendly toward one another than having them angry and bitter at one another, cutting the other down or not even caring the other exists. A child is a product of *both* parents, and I remember wondering "what did that make me?" when either or both of my parents were ignorant and bitter and cut each other down.
I would agree. It's always best that adults act like adults.


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My daughter's best friend's father left her mother for another MAN. The mother remarried - and when the girl's father visits, he stays with the family. The stepdad has children from previous marriages (2 of them, 2 other marriages) and those children (and grandchild on the way) are also welcome in the home. Would it be *better* for the young lady in question if her mother wouldn't allow her father to stay when he visits? If not for that, her father probably couldn't afford to visit more than once a year, if that.
Tough [censored], maybe he needs to move closer to his children so he can put his children ahead of himself for a change.



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When my XH was living with his GF
Great example for the kids and their future decision making process. NOT!

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It may be unpalatable for some to consider, but to me it's the Christian thing to do.
boyfriends/girlfriends living with each other... no Christian example there.



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Forgive, move on, and do the right thing.
Forgiveness is an act of Christianity, but we are to repent and change our wayward ways as an act of repentance. NOT live in ways that continue to show our children that sin is acceptable.


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Some of the "alternatives" offered up here are unacceptable *to me*... it's not within me to be that selfish and hateful as to deny the best possible situation despite the circumstances, to my kids.

I'm sorry you see what you are doing as the BEST, IMHO I disagree...

I still want you to have a Merry Christmas and know I wish you and your kids a Happy New Year.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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JinGA Offline OP
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Alright TST, since you've got it all figured out, what would YOU suggest I do then, since you're full of criticism for what I'm doing?

It's easy to shoot down what somebody's doing, but it's another thing to suggest what the right thing is to do, and as of yet, I haven't heard that from you.

So if you feel that what I'm doing is so wrong, then what is your opinion of the right way?

We aren't perfect. We aren't living in a perfect world or perfect situation. As I stated before, an ideal situation would have been to repair the M - but that didn't happen. So now I have what I have, and I have to make the best of it, which is what I believe I'm doing.

A good Christian, IMO doesn't shun others who are *also* imperfect, rather, we should forgive them and love them anyway. I guess in the end we'll all have to answer for our own interpretations of Christianity, eh?

BTW - my friend whose XH visits... SHE moved away from him with her daughter, so if you feel a need to slam that situation, slam her, not him.

In my instance, XH and I live less than 1 mile apart. He could have moved closer to his workplace - but he chose to remain in this area to be close to his kids, and I respect him for that. On the same basis, I wouldn't move away with the kids either. They need their father.

Unless you've got a magic bullet, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. Given all the choices before me, and before us, XH and I came to an agreement on what we felt was best for all. And if you consider it unChristianlike of me to also consider that he might have been alone on Christmas, then so be it.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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Once divorced it's never perfect again for a kid

You're right about that - and that's exactly what I've said. So under imperfect conditions, we make the best of it.

BTW - it's never *ever* perfect anyway, even in a good marriage.

What's worse? Divorced parents who are amicable, or a couple staying together and the entire family is miserable?

I struggled with that question for literally *years*. And once I made that most difficult decision - that living in misery wasn't worth it, I've found that life can be good again, and when I've asked my kids, they are happier too. It reflects in their actions, not just their words.


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...... it's just adults need to be adults and save the boyfriend, girlfriend relationships for when you don't have the kids in your care .......I don't care how nice everybody is with each other, it doesn't protect the kids and it sure doesn't help them adjust (another lie adults tell each other to make themselves feel better).

Alrighty - so let's say that a parent never lets on to their kids that they are dating, and only dates when the kids are with the other parent - or otherwise out of the house... eventually that relationship becomes marriage material - do you just spring it on your kids one day that you're getting married to somebody they don't know?

I do agree with not bringing kids into the mix until the adult ascertains that this person is worthy of a long-term relationship perhaps with marriage as a goal... but at what point is it OK with *you* for people to start their lives again?

I don't even know why I'm engaging in this discussion... seems that you're really just trying to be inflammatory.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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boyfriends/girlfriends living with each other... no Christian example there.

In my opinion if two people (bf/gf) are having sex already, it's NO different or better than moving and living with each other. Living together, at least they share some type of responsibilities and some form of "commitment." Note, I use "commitment" losely.


JinGA, IF I was the child, I would rather spend the holidays seperately with each parent or with just one parent than the mess/dysfunctionality. Years down the road, they may not going to remember much about spending few days with mom and few days with dad (at least not weird feelings about it), but they WILL remember vividly how they spent the holidays with both mom's boyfriend and dad at the same time.

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Well, do you not think the kids were included in this decision?

Does it surprise you to know they were elated?

Last year I went to a friend's home for Christmas dinner as the kids were with their father. Ironically, my friend's XH was there too, and her own father. We had a great time, and this has been customary for her XH to come over for Thanksgiving, Christmas and the kids' birthdays (there are 3 children).

My feelings about it all don't matter - I missed the kids of course, but I was pleased to have had Christmas morning with them. They enjoyed dinner with their father and his GF's kids (GF was away on a family emergency out of state), but both told me they missed having the dinner with me too.

So - this year, as in other years, even when XH and I were separated, we'll break bread under one roof.

Honestly the way y'all are going on about it you'd think I was moving XH into the guest bedroom to live with the kids and me.

How is it a "mess" if everyone is on good terms? Yeah it would be a mess if people didn't like each other or there was tension or grief between any of the parties. There isn't. Everybody has their place (call it a boundary). XH is their father. I am their mother. My BF is their friend, and they like him and respect him. Nobody's trying to assume anybody else's role, there's no competitiveness or jealousy - it is what it is and we're all secure in where we stand with one another.

The kids understand too.

I suppose if they were young kids, this type of conversation would hold a lot more water. My kids are teenagers, not young children who absolutely *could* and probably *would* be confused. And if the kids were small, I'd probably do things much differently. Their ages and maturity levels have much to do with how the dynamic works, IMO.

Again - you don't have to agree - I just think it's easy to sit and shoot down another person, but I have yet to see either of you put forth something tangible about what you would consider "better". And regarding your statement about "If I was the child"... well you aren't. And given what I've seen in your responses on this thread, your personality and those of my kids are nothing alike. Perhaps that's why they're pleased with the notion and you aren't.

Respectfully,

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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Ummm.....ouch.

Are you ONLY looking for agreement, JinGa?

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The kids understand too.


Do they understand this, or are they just going along with it? Many children (yes, teenagers, too) go along with things they have no real control over. They've been taught to bury the REAL feelings. I'm not saying your children are doing this - just that it happens to some of them.

I understand my WH infidelity - does that make it right and what is best?

You seem very defensive, JinGa - when I see people posting their own experiences and what they felt as children. They didn't say that is what your children felt, they are just giving another perspective.

If you already have the answer and only want those that agree with you to post, maybe you should point that out when you post.

Nobody is trying to shoot you down - what is the benefit in that? Divorce is something that many people have had experience with - and some of them were not as "easy" as others.

You are also speaking to people in which infidelity is the reason for the divorce. "Making nice" with someone who has trampled the family can be a touchy subject.

Teenagers or not - children are still learning the value of family and boyfriend/girlfriend dynamics.

Fox

ETA: I think the Harley's have warned against having an X involved too much. If you end up marrying the new guy - where is that boundary? The X is always a threat to the new M. It wasn't all that long ago you were asking for advice on a R with your X.

Last edited by wildhorses74; 12/21/07 12:34 PM.
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Please understand I'm not trying to hurt your feelings...

and I was a teenager as I suffered through my parents D.

It all affected me greatly.......and I buried all my feelings as did my siblings. We knew we couldn't change any of the decisions my parents were making, nor were we in a position to protest. I even went as far as to try to make my mom feel better and tell her how much happier I was that they were divorced.

I am not going to tell you what to do!!!!!!!!!

I only asked you to ask youself some questions..

I don't want you to agree with me or the rest of the world. I am only asking that you look from a different angle.

You keep asking ...so here we go ...
IMO What I would suggest is that you spend holidays with your kids without your X and without your BF and protect your relationship with your kids until the day they move out.... and then you can "move on" with your BF after that....
Be a parent first until its your time again....
Protect your kids even from your X by telling them truths they can take with them into the future....
Your X's whys were lies and that hasn't changed, don't allow that to be embraced by youself or your children.

As far as your X - Well he's not your responsibility...





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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