I'm still struggling with this. We are in counseling, he has had NC since October (when I found out), and we have decided to reconcile instead of divorce.

But how do I get over the pain of knowing he didn't care enough about me, our children, or our marriage to be faithful to me? How can anyone say they "love and care" about someone else...but still sleep with another person?

I guess this is something I'll never understand...

Road

It takes a great deal of effort and time. But it is possible. Eventually the pain dulls, it doesn't always remain sharp and piercing.

I haven't read your story, but as this process continues, you'll see that it really wasn't about his love for you or your family. It was about him and his feeling a certain way. A feeling that he could only obtain in a fantasy.

But "his fantasy" affected me and our family and our future together. He put that all at risk.

I will never understand a person who can break their marriage vows. Never.

Road,

This is the perfect place to be where you can begin to grasp some understanding of what is happening. I completely understand your devastation and pain, as does just about everyone on here.

You are not alone and if you are looking for guidance and help, there are so many people on here who can give it to you.

"Never" is a word that I used in my vocabularly. I try not to anymore. You will learn things here that will truly amaze you as well as enlighten you about life.

Good luck in your journey and many are here for you.

B

Road, this is a bit long, but it is very telling. Most times before a person even REALIZES that they are on the slippery slope, it's too late. One step doesn't seem so much worse than the previous one. And for a person who is not protecting their weaknesses and feeling entitled for any reason, the pathway can be an easy one to choose. Once you understand the dynamics of infidelity you'll see that anyone can fall.

I'm sorry for your pain. There's no magic pill that I can offer. It's a process, a long one...a very difficult one. But it's doable. There can be happiness at the end of the journey.



-------------------------------------------
Anatomy of an Affair-15 Steps of Infidelity

1. Sharing Common Interests.
"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny."

"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other."

"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with."

"We both loved horses, and started riding together."

"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work."

"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!"


2. Mentally comparing with my mate.
"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible."

"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk.

"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me."


3. Meeting emotional needs.
"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for."

"She was there when I needed her."

"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing."

"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become."

"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good."


4. Looking forward to being together.
"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier."

"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work."

"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."

"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there."

"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday."


5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.
"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us."

"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him."

"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down."

"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband."


6. Flirting and teasing.
"I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape."

"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us."

"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other."

"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me."


7. Talking about personal matters.
"We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about."

"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together."

"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far."

"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt."

"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married."

"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know."


8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.
"He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this."

"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame."

"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that."

"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me."

"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too."


9. Special notes or gifts.
"He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet."

"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible."

"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss."

"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk."


10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.
"I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone."

"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk."

"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often."

"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up."


11. Arranging secret meetings.
"By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."

"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot."

"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting."

"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other."


12. Deceit and cover ups.
"Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us."

"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it."

"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings."

"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?"

"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered."

"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings."


13. Kissing and embracing.
"The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war."

"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time."

"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me."


14. Petting and high indiscretion.
"At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin."

"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified."

"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally."


15. Sexual intercourse.
"Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery."

"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other."

"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex."

"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."

--------------------

Michele...

Sorry, but I don't believe it is ever "too late". At any point along those 15 steps, a simple "no" would have been all it took. My husband chose not to say "no"...therefore it is about how little he cared about me, our marriage and our children, as he was willing to risk losing them.

I know about lacking "emotional needs". Both of our "love banks" are probably close to, if not totally, empty. I didn't go out and sleep with another man who gave me some positive attention, though...and then become depressed at the loss.

Even now, two months later, whenever I try to talk about how I'm feeling and how hurt I am, he turns the conversation to him. I honestly care very little at this point about what he is going through...he committed adultery. Sorry, no sympathy for the loss of his "other woman". I am, however, saddened that our marriage is now forever tainted.

What I've gone through this last year certainly wasn't what I imagined a marriage to be like.

Road,
Yes, a simple "no" would have done the trick. Unfortunately, your WH found the allure too strong and didn't say it. He figured you would never find out and he could have some fun for a while. That's really all there's to it. People make bad choices. People make dumb mistakes. Even good people. But... you found out. Now you are reeling with pain and bitterness and doubt.



I've gone back and read your other posts. And I don't think recovery has begun. You seem to be in a time warp, standing still, overlooking the destroyed landscape and asking repeatedly "HOW COULD YOU?"

Your WH will have to answer that question. He will need to own up to his poor choice, show great remorse and begin to demonstrate his love and protection of you and your family. Those are things that he MUST do for you to begin to recover. And they don't happen overnight.

Has he shown great remorse?

Is he transparent?

Have you seen any withdrawal?

Your posts don't reveal these answers.

But, if the answer is "no" to all, then I'm concerned that it's not over. And if it's not, you are just spinning your wheels and going nowhere fast.


Find out for a fact that the A is over.

Insist he write an NC letter. No excuses. If there are, that will tell you what you need to know.

Know his whereabouts. Ask him to call you during the day. Verify where and when you can. If he bawks at your need for his whereabouts, that'll also tell you something.

Start there. Help yourself out Road. Do you want to be blindsided again?

You won't start to feel better until these first, most important initial steps have been taken and passed.

If recovery has stalled or hasn't even begun...there's usually a reason.

Road,

Sorry you are feeling so terrible, it is a tough time of the year to have this going on.

I'd say that nearly all, if not all, BS ask the same questions that you are asking.

My FWH was looking for someone to have an affair with, for years, which pretty much made our whole relationship a lie. When OW made it clear she was game, they actually discussed ground rules for the affair, like it was going to be no-strings-attached SF, that he had no intention of leaving me, that he did love me, etc.

It was just plain idiocy. Frankly my FWH was a real dumby when it comes to women. OW, of course was looking for so much more than SF, she wanted it all and as soon as the deal was sealed, she started putting the pressure on.

It took me a long time to grasp and accept that what he did was never about me, or even OW, it was totally about HIM. He never even considered the affect it would have on me, OW, or anyone should it be discovered.

He did it because he wanted to. He wanted to so badly that he convinced that he could keep it separate from the rest of his life and that it wouldn't have any affect on the rest of his life.

He was wrong, be felt guilty, and our marriage started to suffer immediately from the strain of the lies.

SO I guess the answer to your question from my perspective is that he probably didn't think about it in those terms.




Been there. For 3 1/2 years, every time I tried to tell my FWH how I was feeling, he always managed to turn the conversation to everything I had ever said or done that hurt him, like he had an excuse for hurting me.

It wasn't really until we were on the brink of divorce that he came here and posted his perspective and got lambasted.

The folks here got thru to him in a way that I had never been able to.

We began counseling with Jennifer and now I consider us recovered.

It takes a long time and it also requires that your FWH figure out why he did what he did and accepts total responsibility for his decision to have an affair. You see, nothing you may have done or not done justifies his actions. PERIOD.

Who

On this topic, I can say never. I compare it to a mother who kills her children...or a mass murderer...or a serial rapist...

I will never know how those people can perform such acts of cruelty. And now that it has touched me, I know that what I am feeling is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Adulterers are weak, selfish, and ultimately cruel to the person they supposedly "love". IMO, they love no one but themselves and obviously don't know what love is. Maybe they learn after the affair to love their spouse, but I don't feel my husband has ever loved me or cared about me up to this point.

Road,

Truly I understand your pain. I do. I am crushed in so many ways in my spirit. I can't begin to believe that my WH chose a crack addict with hep C over me and a family. But he has.

Do you know an addict?

RU,

Would you read believer's recent thread?

When you make humans into categories, you can feel less pain temporarily. You're in those categories, too...so then the pain bites twice as hard.

Retards healing.

One of the elements of being in a wayward state of mind is choosing to believe you are not loved by your spouse, justifying that you never were...proving to yourself through resentment which feeds the entitlement, that they wouldn't care if they knew.

So it turns a blind-eye to the very real destruction and harm.

I've come to realize that staying aware of this wayward mindset is key to understanding my own healing...not getting over the pain...going through it...and coming out with lessons learned.

And if you choose to believe you will never understand, you guarantee you won't.

You know right now you don't understand...it's not forever. Why it takes two years or more to recover. Sometimes, it's a sign your FWH doesn't understand his whys...so how can you?

His whys were fantasy...don't allow yourself to be stopped in recovery because you go to fantasy, too.

You're in personal recovery, which only you can do, AND marital recovery. One affects the other. Please keep posting.

LA

Which recent thread? The holidays thread?

LA,

Some very true words of wisdom.

RU,

I can tell you when I was in my addiction, both drugs and alcohol and then my dry drunk, I did things that were dispicable. But I didn't care because there was a hold inside of me that needed filling.

I stole, cheated people, etc. And there was even a high to those actions. I lied and did things that were all about getting my "fix". It's hard for me, and I am an addict to unerstand this betrayal. I too work really hard at completely accepting they are active in an addiction.

Last night when I went to my AA meeting I listened to the people talk about how they HAD to get their fix, no matter the cost. Now, I truly know it's EASIER to understand this if it were drugs or alcohol, I do. But if you can just come to understand that they are in a disease that has a hold of them and they need their fix. That fix is what brings them life right now.

Does that help at all. Where do you struggle in understanding this?

Oops...my bad, RU.

Here's the link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Man, "recent" just isn't quantitative enough...threads fly by, don't they?

Thank you for asking.

LA

LA,

I really don't understand what you are trying to say with this post. Are you trying to say I'm like he is and it could happen to me? I can assure you, it would not...as I know how to say "no". I know I'm married and that means monogomy. I have no desire to lead two lives and lie constantly in order to maintain it.

I'm not in a fantasy. I am dealing with very real hurt and devastation at the fact my children and I weren't enough to make him want to keep it in his pants...as taking it out could cost him everything.

As I said...I am not grasping your point.

Skinsgal,

I'm very sorry for your addictions, but I have to disagree with you. Unless someone takes that first drink, there will be no alcohol addiction. Unless someone takes that first pill, there will be no drug addiction. Unless someone says "yes" to intercourse, there is no sexual adultery.

If someone becomes addicted, that is their choice. They chose to drink more than one beer or glass of wine occasionally. They chose to take addictive pills to excess. And they chose to sleep with someone that was not their spouse. All of it is preventable.

You are correct...I don't understand addictions. I avoid becoming addicted to anything because of the things it can lead to: lying, cheating, stealing, etc. Those are not something that I wish to do...so why would I do them?

Hi road. I am now as BS, but was once a WS. I, unfortunately get to see how it is on both sides of the fence. i have also learned to never say never. Before I had my A 13 years ago, I would have bet you a million dollars and laughed in your face if you were to told me that I would have an affair. That surely wasn't me or anything that I would do. I didn't know that I had the capacity to cause such pain. I was terribly wrong.
Affairs aren't something that we wake up someday and decide to do. Although, I know that there are choices along the way that we make. This is when the lies and justification start. To ourselves.
I never thought that my wife could be capable of having affairs either. There I go again thinking "never" again.
Our problem was that we never took the time to protect our marriage and establish some boundaries. We just both figured that it couldn't happen to us.

Someone posted to me a bit ago and made a statement about how I am still vulnerable to an affair. I kind of laughed to myself and totally disagreed with that statement. I know that I would never want to go down that road again. Then I realized, though, what Dr. Harley said. He said that once we think that we are not vulnerable to an affair is when we are really most vulnerable. So I can't really ever say that I will never have another affair. I just have to make sure that I have my proper boundaries up and always be on guard and protect my marriage.
Just my 2 cents.

Rock,

Again, I disagree. I understand - I am capable of an affair. Always have been and always will be. However, once I said "I do" and promised my husband "foresaking all others", my boundaries were raised. I have female friends, I deal with male co-workers in a group, and I refrain from lying about where I am and who I am with.

Not to mention I have several children, so very rarely have more than 2 seconds to myself.

I cannot raise my WS's boundaries...and I trusted him. There was where I was stupid...and know I will find it hard to ever trust anyone again.