To see my situation CLICK HERE

UPDATE:

Okay over the past week I have gone to great lengths to snoop, via email, phone logs, keylogger, etc. I have found some very graphic and hurtful things and feel like my emotions are very unstable as a result.

Last weekend I stumbled across information of the OM just discovering he had an STD....HSV II to be exact. My WW was very scared and obviously didn't confide in me, but was going to get testing. In a sick way, I was glad the OM had something because if my WW does not have it, all indications were that the relationship is now over. To my surprise, a few days later I became aware that they were planning to meet at a hotel with him flying in from his home 600 miles away. I immediately went home and confronted wife with all of my evidence and told her that I will be in jail that night if she chooses to go through with this. I told her I would follow her to the airport and keep this other man from laying a hand on her.

She was shocked that I knew so much information and was even more shocked at how strongly I was reacting. I never lose my temper and I was literally ready to go to jail to protect her from this guy and she knew I was dead serious.

We had a long talk and she assured me she had no intentions of sleeping with him and that basically this was one last meeting to say goodbye and that she could never be with him since he has this STD. She even invited me to go with her. I told her that I would if I thought she was going to go through with sleeping with him, but I believed her and she told me to call her throughout the day as many times as I would like to reassure myself that nothing was going to happen. I called her every 30 minutes and could tell they were in a public place so I feel comfortable that nothing happened.

She then came home that night and told me how hard it was going to be to not talk to him anymore because of the strong emotional ties and hopes she is strong enough to do it. I told her I would be there for her as needed.

Anyway, I felt so much better about how honest she was with me now that she knew I knew every last detail and was still willing to work things out when she was ready. However, yesterday she started asking me how I knew all of these things and sticking with MB principles I told her exactly how. She then flew off the handle and accused me of being the sneakiest, most manipulative person she had ever known. I was devastated and broke down while lashing out at her due to frustration. I couldn't believe that after everything she has put me through emotionally and I was still willing to help her get over the other man she would say something so hurtful after I was completely honest with her about it.

We went to a counseling appointment last night and both agreed it was better if I moved out for the time being. I am so emotionally unstable right now and break down with the smallest triggers and really believe that I can no longer continue Plan A effectively. I need advice on whether or not I should go into a dark Plan B and what might be going through her head right now. As of now, our plans are to spend Christmas at her folks and then the day after Christmas I am going to move out.

I have done a great Plan A to this point over the last 4 months and need to know whether I should continue that while I am no longer living there or if I should go to a dark Plan B. Thanks for any advice you can provide.

You LET her meet up with him to say goodbye?

I don't think you should have moved out, especially since you are the BS.

She doesn't like that her bad behavior has consequences? Too bad, so sad.

You had every right to snoop.

Go get a blood test for HSV, immediately.

Maggie....I tried to keep her from doing, but other than physically keeping her from doing it I could do nothing else. She basically felt so sorry for him because his family is now gone, she is now gone and he has no future of having a normal relationship with anyone else due to this STD.

I agree on the moving out, but we are trying to put all of our cash into finishing our basement so we can sell the house and pay off all of the bills. She has nowhere to go with family or friends and would have to rent a place. I can go stay with my father and his family while raising our daughter half the time around her loving grandparents so that is the best economical and emotional option for us. If circumstances were different believe me I would not be moving out.

Got the complete STD screening today and my WW is getting hers Friday.

Don't move out of your home - end of story!

If you need time apart, let her sleep in a different bedroom.

But don't leave your home!

Big mistake agreeing for them to meet to "say goodbye".

Go get tested if you think you have been exposed. Hope your wife gets tested too.

I would be sure to let OM's wife know that her hubby has an STD - just for her own protection.

Don't move out. If your wife is so miserable - SHE needs to leave, and without your child.

Thanks MIM and Believer. I really don't want to move out and my WS really is starting to see what life will be like after I move out. Last night I went to the store to stock up on everything for the dogs, cat, baby, etc. and I went over where I keep everything. She is really starting to see everything that I did around the house, how we enjoy so much spending time with our child together and play with her together.

In our counseling session a couple of nights ago we laid out the rules in regards to limited contact and she seemed fine with it then. I told her I will only be able to email her about issues concerning the baby and our child so I can get over this emotional time. Last night she said "I wish you weren't so fragile right now so we can do something on New Year's Eve". I just ignored her comment because she knows that I will be moved out by then and that is certainly not possible. Before she went to bed she made another comment. She said, "I hate it that you are moving out and wish you weren't so emotionally unstable right now." I ignored her again and just told her goodnight. This morning she is just continually staring at me watching me get the baby ready to take to her to day care. After a few minutes of staring she tears up and says, "You are breaking my heart. Now you are doing everything that I ever wanted you to do before as my husband." A few minutes later she starts crying again and says (for the 500th time since the beginning of Plan A), "Why didn't you do all of these things before we fell apart?".

I am moving the day after Christmas and am really confused if I am doing the right thing or not. I think when I am going it is really going to hit her hard and she is going to see a lot more clearly, but I am afraid that after awhile she will get used to me not being there and we will be over for good. Am I doing the right thing by moving out and going into a fairly dark Plan B or should I stay and continue to Plan A?

Like I mentioned in my original post, OM has just tested positive for HSV II which is a deal killer for my WW and she has told me so. However, OM is getting tested again to confirm and I am a little concerned he could lie to my wife about the test results to get her back. Both her and I got tested this week and are awaiting test results. If she tests positive and I don't than I am afraid that will give her the perfect excuse to continue affair with OM. I have already told her that if she tests positive, that changes nothing for me in regards to my desire for us to be a family and work on our marriage. She said that she would find it very difficult to continue our relationship if she tests positive and I don't because she doesn't want to give it to me.

Please, if someone could give me advice on whether or not I should move out or stay and continue Plan A it would be greatly appreciated.

I'm still on a huge rollercoaster myself but I agree ..

Do not leave your house, I did briefly against the advice of others here, thinking it would show my WW I was dedicated to working things out. The thing is, while I was interested in fixing us she only wanted to fix herself. Since I'm part of the problem I have to be part of the solution too.

And she's just gonna have to deal with that ...

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME. That is the WORST thing you could do. MelodyLane has a thread around here about the reasons why you never want to move out of the marital home if you are the BS. Also, you certainly don't want to allow her to take your child out of the home.

I'll see if I can find that thread.

The thread from MelodyLane actually ended up getting locked because of other people, but basically, here's what she says:

"I think this deserves its own thread since it seems to be a fairly common problem….for MEN. About once a month a newcomer will show up here who has left his own home at the behest of a wayward wife in an active affair. She asks him to leave so she can “have space” and “think about the marriage.” The poor devastated soul usually believes that appeasing her will save his marriage. It is the EXACT OPPOSITE. She is asking him to move out so she can carry on her affair without his interference.

Moving out only serves to ENABLE the affair at the expense of his own marriage and children’s security. The WW is now free to carry on her affair from the safety and comfort of her own home. It is not uncommon for her to actually INVITE the OM into the home and introduce him to the children.

She often has fantasies of replacing the BS with the OM. Of course, the BS is still paying the mortgage so he is, in effect, not only enabling the affair but FINANCING it. Otherwise known as the ContributeToYourOwnDemise Program.

Some reasons why moving out is dangerous:

1. It enables the affair

2. It is viewed as abandonment by many courts

3. Separation INCREASES the risk of divorce and impedes chances of recovery [you can’t recover if you aren’t there!]

4. Many men – on this very forum – have had to get COURT ORDERS just to get back into their own homes

5. Children are exposed to affair partner, which is morally confusing and increases the risk they will be sexually molested/abused/killed

6. It is DEVASTATING to children! Your children need you now more than ever. You are ALL THEY HAVE since their mother’s brain has been abducted by aliens.

In short, moving out is always a huge mistake unless it is to effect Plan B.

I am always baffled about why men will do this, because a woman wouldn't sacrifice her own home and her children because her husband was in an affair and wanted some “space.” The only way I would leave is if my husband’s pistol was BIGGER than mine! Even at that, I am a better shot than him, so that might not even do it. It might take a SWAT TEAM!

If your wayward wife asks you to move out so she can “have space,” suggest she either go in the bathroom and shut the door or be a gentleman and clean out a corner in your garage for her. But, whatever you do, DON’T LEAVE YOUR HOME, GUYS!!

If you have fallen for this manipulation tactic and left your home, don’t despair. The mistake is usually easily corrected by packing your bag and GOING HOME NOW. No warning, no nothing. Just get in the car and go home and move right back into your OWN BED. When you walk in simply say “HI HONEY, I AM HOME!!” and give her a smile and a peck on the cheek. If she objects tell her you live there and intend to stay. SMILE.

THIS ADVICE ALSO APPLIES TO FEMALE BETRAYED SPOUSES! "

just bumped the post that I could from Melody Lane......

Men, Don't Leave Your Home!

Hi ManInNeed,

I hate to go against the prevailing "wisdom" here, but you certainly can use the option of moving out of the house with regards to Plan B. In fact, that was part of my 'successful' Plan B strategy done with Steve Harley's counsel and blessing.

Having said that---I'm not at all familiar with your situation. My first, and always best suggestion---especially with any of the 'big 3' issues (discovering an affair, preparing for separation, preparing for recovery), is that you call the Harley's and arrange some marriage coaching. I know that you have a counselor already, but just with the little blurb you posted about it---I'm not sure they have what it takes to get you through this.

From the tone of your posts, it appears that you're pretty emotional now. I remember those days. Didn't like them much. My doc put me on Wellbutrin, which did a nice job of taking the edge off, and allowed me to behave in a more controlled manner. If you're not on an antidepresant yet, you might consider this as well.

Also---the spying crap must stop. Once you know your spouse is having an affair---it's very bad for you to be doing it. Why??? Because every time you discover something new, it eats away at your lovebank. If you end up quitting on the marriage today---it may be over. You want to limit your exposure to that stuff. So don't spy. That's another Harley tip.

With regard to your wife. She's an addict. She's behaving like an addict. Including the lashing out, the blaming you for being sneaky, etc. It's all in 'Wayward Spouses 101: We all do the same stupid things..." Try to rationalize your wife's behavior as an addiction rather than a personal assult on you as a person---it should give you the ability to be more compassionate, and give you a bit more lasting power in Plan A.

So---to summarize:

1. Don't do anything until you call the Harley's.

2. Get on some anti-depressant meds if you're not already.

3. No more spying or any other harmful activities with regard to your love for your wife. Try to keep things light around the house over the next week, focused on the family (I know this isn't easy).

4. Your wife is an addict. Don't be surprised when she acts like one. Don't get sucked in either.


The next couple weeks are the worse. I was about 2 months into my plan A during the Christmas season. I could regail you with lots of fun stories about that---but trust me, I know how difficult it is for you. I went on anti-D's at this time, and it gave me another good three months of Plan A ability.

Try to work this out for at least another month before you think about executing Plan B. And you want to do that on your terms, if possible...

ManInNeed:

Read CJ's summary of Plan B---it's great with regard to the tactics. This may be where you're heading to, but I don't think you're there quite yet...

[edited because the old man forgot to put the link in...]

Do not move out of your home. She needs space let her leave.
Leaving puts you in a weaker legal standing when it is time to lawyer up. It also makes it very easy for the WW to have the OM in your bed with her.

At this time you are in to bad of a mental state to make decisions as to divorce her or try recover. Take your time, several months before you decide.

"I wish you weren't so fragile right now so we can do something on New Year's Eve" "I hate it that you are moving out and wish you weren't so emotionally unstable right now." "You are breaking my heart. Now you are doing everything that I ever wanted you to do before as my husband." "Why didn't you do all of these things before we fell apart?"

WW appears to be having second thought, afraid of losing you. Maybe she is entering the fence sitting mode.

Why would you not want to use her approach to tell her that you are willing to work at being a better husband and that you want her to have NC with the OM and for the both of you to work on learning how to recover your marriage?

Wouldn't this be better then leaving your house?

K makes a good point about spying. Once you know, don't keep checking. I had made the mistake of continuing to read every email I got from my keylogger and every time I opened one it made me feel horrible even if there was nothing in it except the WW saying hello to the OM. Every keystroke has become a painful dagger to me and it's not worth it. In my experience it leads to LB's.

If you need the proof let someone else gather it IMO, otherwise focus on a plan.

Last night my WW and I took our daughter and a little boy we are mentoring out for dinner and then all went shopping. The entire night she was b*tching about every little thing I was doing. From the way I was driving to the way to the I poured water into the baby's glass. It was just non-stop and incessant like she was trying to pick a fight. I finally asked her what is bothering her besides all of the little things that she keeps picking at. She said "Nothing, that I was getting on her f'ing nerves and that I act like a kid that she has to take care of". I then calmly asked what she was talking about because if the way I poured water into a glass bothered and the way I drove bothered her how does that have anything to do with acting like a kid. She just kept on and on with the hurtful comments and I just calmly asked her if we could dial it down because this is not the way I wanted to spend the last few days together before I moved out. She then just kept hammering on me about the same little things until we finally got home like she wanted to start a fight. I refused to get drawn into it and just said I have no idea what is bothering, but what she was saying was hurtful, unproductive and unnecessary.

About 20 minutes after we get home she comes up to me, hugs me and said "I will make you a deal, if you quit driving like a maniac I will quit b*tching." I just said okay because I didn't want to get drawn into an emotional conversation.

I have no idea what prompted her behavior last night and need some insight. I do know that OM is with his BS out of town for the holidays and that my WW has not been in as regular of contact as normal. Also, since I am just a few days from moving out that may have something to do with it as well.

Any ideas or insight on what this might be all about? Thanks in advance.

I can't address your WW's behavior, but about these...



Haven't you listened to anyone? DO NOT MOVE OUT!

ManInNeed,

Wow---Steve must have had a pretty free calendar. You got to talk with him, discuss the situation, and he's already recommended you going to Plan B.

Terrific <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Stop with the moving out crap, please. It's not advisable for you at this point, and by reiterating this to your wife, you're just making yourself up to be a bigger liar when you don't.

[color:"red"]Call the HARLEY'S. NOW!!![/color]

Why are you moving out? WTF? WAKE UP MAN! Its a bad idea that you will regret almost instantly. DON'T DO IT!

You move out, you just abandoned your family in the eyes of the courts. She files for divorce while you're moved out, and they issue temporary orders regarding custody and living arrangements that screw you for a long time!

I very much hope you rethink this.

MiN:

Don't MOVE out.

She WANTS you to. That is ONE good reason NOT to.

Poor OM. He has no one left. Except your WW.

And you are making room for him.

So Don't Move out.

Her being B**chy with you? Well DUH!

If you get MAD at her, then it makes it easier for her to justify her horrible actions.

She doesn't remember all the horrible things she does to YOU, only what you DO to HER.

Next time OM flys in for an afternoon rendevous with your WW, (and you would be surprised at what they can do between and during your every 30 minute phone "check up" conversations) YOU should meet the airplane.

And snooping, K has a point about that, but since you revealed your source, it doesn't matter now. She isn't going to let you in.

And she calls you the sneakiest, most manipulative person in the world? Wheres that kettle black paint?

But she doesn't CARE what she DOES, only WHAT YOU DO TO INTERFERE.

So, move out at your own peril.

You WILL feel good for a WHILE.

"SEE, I SHOWED HER!"

But, as you stay OUT, only bad things happen.

The Affair gets easier.
The court will look on your departure in a negative light, and you will fight LONG and HARD to reverse THAT.
WW gets to feel even MORE entitled.

So Stay HOME.

On the 26th, just tell her: "Oops, I changed my mind. I made a vow on our wedding day, in sickness and health, so I haven't moved out."

Just my .02.

LG

MIN,
Oh, and by the way, did anyone tell you, DO NOT MOVE OUT?!!!!!

"I am moving the day after Christmas and am really confused if I am doing the right thing or not."

You are confused because you are not hearing what just about everyone here is saying to you. You are getting some awesome help from some AWESOME peaple here. I hope you start listening up here. These folks have been there, as I have. Please do not move out.

"On the 26th, just tell her: "Oops, I changed my mind. I made a vow on our wedding day, in sickness and health, so I haven't moved out."

What lg said.

God Bless,

Love in Christ,
Miss M