I had a brief conversation with WW in a very calm voice and just asked her to put some money back in the account. She was still furious and said that since I have decided to make this ugly by telling her parents than that is what is going to happend. She is going to take ugly to a whole new level she said.

I just told her that she can be ugly all she wants, but that I wasn't going down that road with her. I then just reitterated to her that the only reason I told her mother and father is for her safety and someday she would realize that. I then just told her I love her very much and said bye. All of this was in a very calm unemotional tone. Did I do more damage than good?

You did fine. Just keep telling her you still believe in the marriage and will do whatever it takes to make it happy for both of you.

Do what is necessary to protect your families assets from her irrational behavior. Don't do it as punishment, do it as protection, for her and you.

Also, you would do well to start considering your actions, asking questions here to figure out the best way to accomplish what you're trying to accomplish, instead of reporting what you've done and then scrambing around to do damage control. Use the plans and the wisdom here to your advantage.

MIN,

Wanted to chime in here with kudos, putting them with Tyk's.

Well done! You stand for what you do and say. That's the fog breaker. You change from reacting to your feelings (which is what your WW is doing), to acting from your beliefs. Drastic difference.

Now, take it further. Do not remain present for her expletives. In your calm, sure and respectful voice, when the first swear word comes out, say, "Swearing isn't healthy for me any longer. I now understand how much it harms communication. I want to listen to you, to understand. I won't though, if you continue swearing."

Use your own words here...and do not allow yourself to swear. Really cripples communication...does not express what you may think it does, opens floodgates for DJs and assumptions. This is important. If she continues with the expletives, the DJs, then you state you are removing yourself for 15 minutes while you calm down from the attack (they attack) and will return. Then you do it. Not manipulatively...to bolster your own goal of not reacting to your feelings, rather acting to your code.

Take your acts of respect up a notch, too...(gosh, I've gone from chiming to gonging, I think)...call the bank and find out what their rules are on joint accounts...call a lawyer and find out if you can file a restraining order for her taking money from your account...don't get in the way of her consequences, her choices, 'k?

May take going before a judge on the financial RO (maybe asking for an injunction?)...which says you are married, you reside in the same household, that it is a household account...and that you want in no way to fund her affair.

I believe you're brave enough to do the right thing...and let go the outcome. Take your steps...and step out of the way of her consequences.

This is part of Plan A to me...finding out, understanding and acting from the truth. Like exposure is sharing the truth. You focus on knowing you're own choices and reasons for them...and acknowledging your foggy WW believes differently. Listen and repeat with choice.

Truth is the fog breaker...because you say your truth as yours..."I know you are choosing to attack our marriage by going to see your AP and abandoning the vows you made to yourself. I'm choosing to stand for our marriage and the vows I made to myself." Acknowledges choice and reality...you bring it...you don't beat her over the head with it.

"I hear you believe I'm making your affair ugly, is that correct?"

The more you listen and repeat, in order to confirm or clarify, the more you hear how nuts the fog really is...you hand back her truth (her thoughts, beliefs, feelings, perceptions) as hers...and do not take it inside you. It doesn't belong there. It's hers.

Leaves more room for you to know your own.

The truth is actions and choices...focus there.

I had to separate our finances during WH's A. Turned out to be a blessing to our rebuilt marriage. For 15 years I believed that would be the end of our union...if we separated financially...was a big symbol to me. I changed my belief. Now we're looking at them being joined again...very scary...still, after three years of recovery, may be time. I'm not making it the symbol it was, though, before.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Ditto the advice on preserving your family's financial resources. (I mean, if she had a gambling addiction you'd try and stop waste, right....)

You might want to remove her as an authorized user on cards in your name, and/or make sure joint cards she carries have low limits. You may as well learn now how debts are handled in your state (individual, marital). You may have to password protect some of your accounts. Because you have a child, I'd make sure she has a card (even if its one in her name, just for safety's sake (i.e, can get gas/food in an emergency).

When she complains you tell her until she is committed to protect the family's resources, you had to take these steps. You don't think throwing away the family's dollars on OM is a good investment.

- WG.

P.S. In an earlier post you mentioned that OMW didn't want to save her M. Her feelings might change over time - you never know.

Tha last 24 hours have been very hard. I have had no contact with WW and child and really things seem so hopeless right now.

After exposing all I have heard from her is viciousness, cursing and tremendous anger. She even said that even if things don't work out with OM her and I will never be together again due to my exposing her.

I am really beginning to wonder whether I did the right thing. I guess I need to take another Zoloft and Xanax and see if my regret begins to fade.

My experience with exposure wasn't so effective - my in laws didn't do more than chide WW, and there was no OMW. However, I did get the anger and from all the experiences that I've read here, this is the exact result you want and should expect. She is unhappy because you are interfering with her affair. That's it. You haven't hurt her in any other way. The intensity of her anger just matches how well you've exposed.

Don't change tack.

If she was telling you how sorry she was and was willing to completely stop, it would actually be more worrisome. In that case, she would be almost certainly lying and trying to keep the A under ground. And she may still get to that. But anger just means you are effectively interferring with her A.

- WG

Your M doesn't have a chance with another man in it either does it? So what if she's pissed? She's pissed because you interferred with her adultery! Logically, what does she have to be pissed about? YOU didn't embarrass her, her behavior embarrassed her.

She'll get over it, it might take a bit, but she will. It does not guarantee recovery, or the end of the A, but it makes the A that much harder to maintain, she can no longer act like whatever is wrong with your M is YOUR fault, which she would do or has done. There's no more hiding for her now.

I know its hard, but you're doing the right things for the right reasons. Stand tall, speak the truth and conduct yourself with integrity and let the cards fall where they will.

Tyk, ManInNeed:

Tyk, you're absolutely right. I will not engage BeastAngle any longer. I've put them on ignore, and will put every reincarnated version of them on ignore without reading another post from them for the rest of my dying days.

My sincerest apologies to MIN. I was distracted and thus useless 2 you.

-ol' 2long

Well the holidays are here and my wife and child are 2 states away. Just briefly called my wife so I could talk to my daughter and she was very short with me and just hung the phone without saying goodbye.

Maybe it is worth noting that she might be one of the most stubborn people I know which is a big reason why she is convinced I was completely wrong with exposure. I really don't see her mind changing on this either considering her stubborness.

When she gets home tomorrow she is expecting me to be moved out so when she finds out that I'm not it is going to be fireworks all over again.

Thoughts and advice on how I should handle things tomorrow when she comes home upset? Thanks.

MIN:

There is only one thing I can recommend strongly, and that is:

Go to the main page here and click on "Counseling center".

Then, call and leave a message, right smack dab now, for an appointment at the earliest available oppor2nity.

Go 2 Jamesus' thread and read what happened when he made an appointment. It sounds like your si2ations may be similar, in that custody of your daughter may become a serious point of contention with your wife, if she ends up moving out because you won't. Jamesus didn't think he needed 2 coach with the Harleys, but I think it's fair 2 say that he's glad that he is.

Have a merry Christmas!

-ol' 2long

Just tell her your new mantra: you believe in the marraige and want to make it a relationship that makes BOTH of you happy. You have some ideas on how it is possible to make that happen but that it only includes the two of you, not OM. You look forward to the time when you can both commit to building a happy life together.

You will not be moving out because it is your home. That's all you have to say. Remain calm, don't be lured into a fight. Don't allow her to abuse you, when she starts in with the nastiness, just stick to your guns. When she blows up about the exposure, commiserate with her "Yes, I am sorry it was necessary as well, your behavior lately has been endangering our marriage and I will do anything I can to give us a chance."

When she insults and attacks you, just stay calm. "I don't believe this is productive, I am willing to discuss anything you wish in a calm, respectful manner." Leave the room if she persists. She will calm down and stop when she realizes that her behavior is not getting the desired response, which is for you to lose your cool, which justifies (in her mind) her decisions.

STAY CALM, its likely to get worse before it gets better, brace yourself for the storm and know that this is all textbook WS behavior and while it seems hopeless, your story is far from written.

Just spoke to my wife who is on the way back from out of state with our daughter. I asked her if I could spend some time with our daughter when they got back. She said that's fine, but she doesn't want me to speak to her (WW).

She is obviously still very upset about exposure. I can't stand this and feel so low right now. On Christmas Day my WW is angrier than she has ever been at me for simply trying to protect her from the OM's STD through exposure. She is convinced I was trying to hurt her and continues to say nasty cruel things to me.

Will she ever get over this?

Yes, she will get over it, and will be thankful one day that you stood up for your family. And they usually get over it very quickly. Keep having faith that you did the right thing.

You are in for a long, tough job here, and if you don't learn to detach from your WW, I don't think your M will survive. Here's why.

You should be angry about her affair. Even if it were knowable that OM didn't have an STD, exposure was the right thing to do; as a PP said, how long do you think your M will survive with OM involved?

The fact that she, is angry at you, is actually nuts. But she can't see it, and you don't see it either. You did nothing wrong by exposing, but only stood up for your M. She is actually conspiring to destroy your M, through lying and cheating.

You need to ignore WW's emotions for a time and not let them dictate your feelings. Find some other source for feeling good about yourself. Not an opposite sex friendship, but put effort in work and feel the results of a job done well. Hang out with other guys. Invest in a hobby. Go to church. Improve the house.

My WW reinvented history and made an incredible number of false claims: (1) I didn't support her when her father was dying; (2) I was controlling; (3) I was a workaholic; (4) I didn't praise her enough; (5) I was financially unreasonable; and so on... The smallest single mistake became a long term pattern (and in reality, they really were not).

She also raged at me for interferring with her A. She missed out on the joint activities w/OM that I knew about and she wouldn't risk doing them and being caught. She was furious that I told her family and our DD.

You have to ignore the nasty and cruel bits. If there is a seed of truth in them, learn from it and be a better person. But you are making calculated surgical decisions to remove the affair/cancer from your M. The expected outcomes for your W if the A goes on and the M ends are: (1) she will be unhappy; (2) she will be cheated on by OM; (3) she will be poorer; (4) your DD will suffer consequences as a child of divorce; (5) she may someday have a hard time accepting the person she became. You can try and save her from this. Exposure is just step 1.

Read the thread on reverse babble and practice saying 'I love yo u and I want our M to survive'.

- WG

MIN, I'm going through the same thing as you (although I'm a little farther along in the exposure game) and wanted to give you some support. I exposed to OMW mid November. As best I can tell, contact between WW and OM went on for a few more weeks after that. My WW's anger/depression is still on going, but seems to be subsiding some. My WW said all the same things...."doesn't matter if OM is out of the picture, we're over....It's never been about OM..." all that stuff that I'm sure you've heard. But guess what. She's still home, still talking about things in our future. She's still angry with me, but I'm beginning to see small signs that she's coming out of it, little by little.

You've been getting some good advise here. Listen to these people. I have and they've been dead on. My WW is following the script to a "T". I would suspect yours will too. You have a daughter together. That will be a huge tie to keep your WW around. And with her around, you can rebuild your marriage. But it will take time, lots of time. People here are always reminding me it's a marathon, not a sprint. Just keep reminding yourself that, through exposure, you are separating the addict (your WW) from her drug (OM). And we all know what drug addicts will do/say to keep getting their fix. Thinking this way has got me through some tough times.

Don't get me wrong, I still ride that rollercoaster, almost daily (as you can read in my posts), but you can get through this. Just stay calm. You're the only one fighting for your marriage right now and one day your WW will see that.

Thanks guys for all your support. Just found out that my WW is filing for divorce today and plans to move out this week. OM is still several hundred miles away so I have no idea what purpose moving out will serve other than to make it easier to converse on the phone.

WW is a little less upset today, but is still being very short. I am just going to try and steer clear of her. Should I continue Plan A in regards to telling her how much I love her or should I back off for awhile? Thanks.

Okay, I have to keep getting drug into conversations with my wife.

She is plotting on how to get custody of our daughter while once again ramping up the cruelty today. She is saying some of the most unbelievably cruel things and it is so difficult to hear.

I knew in my heart that exposure was going to create this and she is truly convinced that I exposed only to hurt her. I have never seen someone act so cruel and callous in my life.

That being said I know I did the right thing for the right reasons. Getting her to realize that someday might never come though.

I called the Harley's because I really am starting to feel like I desperately need Plan B. I am a mess.

Enforce your boundaries MIN, don't allow her to drag you into the mud. Also do not allow her to take your daughter out of the home. Her filing for divorce does not necessarily mean you will get divorced, get an attorney and drag your feet while still protecting yourself and your family assets.

Read Jamesus thread to realize what NOT to do in regards to allowing her to leave with your Daughter. Get an attorney ASAP and do whatever you can to prevent that from happening!

DO NOT FIGHT WITH HER! You also don't have to tell her you love her. Take a stand for yourself and your marriage, but do it with honesty and integrity instead of meanness or desperation. You are allowed to protect yourself, your daughter, and your marriage.

This is a critical time for you and you need to be very careful to avoid very serious consequences to your relationship with your daughter in the future. I think it is time for you to get legal advice in addition to advice from the Harleys about this.

Hey MIN,

Try not to get sucked into her negativity. I'm glad you called the Harley's. Reiterating Tyk's advice, definitely contact a lawyer, and try to keep your daughter with you. Don't fight with her at all. If you have an opportunity to record her threats, do so (save emails if they're written, tape conversations if possible). And reiterate to her that you don't want the divorce.