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#1995948 12/19/07 09:20 PM
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how would you or you or you or you or whoever is reading this feel about a 26 year old married man having an affair with 19 year old...

what is your opinion about the character makeup of such a person...

it's a question
not a judgement...

it's a valid question in my opinion....

Ark, I've always respected your opinion and I'd really like to hear the answer to my question below.

I think I get what you're saying. I keep coming back to the fact that my husband married me when he was 26 and I was 19. I guess the difference there is that my DH had never been married and had never had children when we married. (Although we had our first child nine months later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) Also, is it different because my DH and I DIDN'T have an affair but married instead? Or do you think the age difference in any situation speaks to the moral character of the man?

Are you saying it's because the WH in this case HAD to be more emotionally mature and further along (even though he was the same age as my husband) because he WAS married and had had children?

Just trying to understand your point and not take offense.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Princess:

Don't question what GOD has brought together in YOUR MARRIAGE...

You answered this question for yourself..your H was not married when he fell in love with you...DUH...

Mimi..who was 18 when she fell in love with her husband...and he was 19...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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it is without a doubt the AFFAIR with a 19 year old...

let alone with a baby...

it's mindblowingly wrong in my opinion...

one should not deny the developemental differences in a 18-19 year old..vs the life experiences gained by a 25-older individual....when it's an affair it's just smacks of taking advantage of someone...

the limitations of an affair amongst peers is great...
multiply that in to a young persons life...

the secrecy
the shame
the need to hide
the need to isolate from their own peer group..
the lack of normal healthy relationship issues...
it's horrible...

these same restrictions do no exist in available 19/twentyfive plus somethings...and they can atleast GROW together....
experience real life hardships triumphs together with a real support group..

not in this dirty little secret...

an affair with 19 year old is completely STUNTING in all aspects....

there is something also wrong with issue of control that a grown adult male can wield over a 19 year old girl...

there can't be a ton of healthy relationships under the girls belt...and this to me is just too damaging...

the fact is that the WS can have a devastating impact on this young persons chances for healthy nurturing relationships for years as well as really do a mind F... on their belief of what a marriage is...

what man confides in a child about their marital problems for any other reason but you know what...
atleast with a PEER it might have some basis in reality...


who goes to a young unmarried girl for marriage advice...
hhhmmmm?

that's judging anything in my book..
that's reality..

ARK

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Okay gotcha. I agree. Thanks for clarifying.


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Don't question what GOD has brought together in YOUR MARRIAGE...

Oh Mimi, I don't! I just couldn't get it through my thick skull that Ark wasn't necessarily talking about a MARRIAGE but rather an AFFAIR and all it's nastiness.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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Post deleted by fireblossom816


FBW, 25
Daughter, 2
Son, 1
Divorced 4/28/08

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson



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My presence here may be unwelcome, but I would like to say a few things.

No, not at all. It was your thread that lead me to these questions. I just pulled ARK aside because I didn't want to distract from your thread.

Ark?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Ark?


FBW, 25
Daughter, 2
Son, 1
Divorced 4/28/08

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson



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"there is something also wrong with issue of control that a grown adult male can wield over a 19 year old girl..."

Subtract a year and a day and they call her "jail bait" and legally call it "statutory rape".


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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FBW, 25
Daughter, 2
Son, 1
Divorced 4/28/08

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson



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I am really upside down now. Am i doing all the right things for all wrong reasons? I seriously have no idea.

I don't even know where to start. Am I in some kind of fog?

I may regret opening myself up again, we'll see. My H and I have always had an on again off again relationship. Truth be told, I was 17 when I met him, he was 20. I was a new Christian, he was the leader of the youth worship band. Fast forward a few months and he got kicked out of the church for being a relationship with me. We(he) called it a 'friendship' and felt people were freaking out over nothing. I broke it off with him, but he kept calling me and eventually convinced me that 'they' were the bad guys, and that I had betrayed him and his family when I took the church's side. I apologized to him and his family, who otherwise gave me the silent treatment.

Not the best start. I was an emotionally neglected confused 17 year old. I grew up the youngest of 8 kids, and while my dad was relatively attentive, my mom lived in lala land to escape the harsh reality of raising 8 kids on one income. She was depressed, I'm not trying to be too hard on her. My parents didn't keep tabs on me from a very young age, so I went and mostly did what I pleased probably from the age of 3-4. I avoided major catastrophes for the most part.

I was dying for guidance. Enter my H. He was controlling, posessive, he isolated me and it made me feel loved and cared for in response to the severe neglect I had experienced. But he didn't have boundaries. The "love" I felt eventually faded and I wanted out. He always had a hook to get me back in.

4 years in, I'd tried and tried to get rid of him, but couldn't so I figured I must love him. (Please don't judge me!) We got married.

Even when I got pregnant with my daughter, we had been talking about it as an option, but I really wanted to become a nurse at that time and wasn't sure... How do I say this? He made that decision for me. Not by way of forced sex, but he intentionally didn't take care of business during.

Should I even post this? I'm so ashamed that I have put up with this, or maybe I'm the screwed up one.

Wow, FB. Thank you for sharing what must have been really painful for you to post. This does put a whole different light on things. The first thing that I thought was is this history repeating itself? You're older now so he goes after a younger version of you? If I'm way off base with that, please forgive me but it does seem kind of like a pattern going on here. Do you think that's what it is?

With your background, hopefully some others will be along that have walked in your shoes and can offer you some advice. I'd love to help you but it sounds like your circumstances are far from normal and I don't want to cause you any harm.

I do know one thing. I will be praying for you, that you'll get the right answers.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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My presence here may be unwelcome

Before I read ONE MORE WORD, I must comment.

You are MOST WELCOME. We know how painful adultery is. We know how hard recovery is.

Again, WELCOME. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

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2long, so glad you're here... FB really needs some help on sorting this out. It's a little more complicated than I originally thought.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Some questions for you FB:

1) Does he still have contact or any type of friendship with any young girls/women?

2) Has his behavior, atitude, etc. changed since "recovery" started?

3) How is your marriage now compare to when you first got married?

Once again, advice offered on this board are (non-professional) opinions. You should take them into consideration, but only you know the real circumstances and all the facts; we don't.

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It seems it was history kind of repeating itself. I don't really know.

It's like I live in two realities.

reality a: everythings ok. problems are normal. I loved him once and can love him again. He just has issues.

reality a = good christian woman

reality b: everything is NOT ok. I want as far away from him that I can get, and other than having my beautiful babies I regret much of our relationship.



I am very confused.

Last edited by fireblossom816; 12/20/07 06:19 PM.

FBW, 25
Daughter, 2
Son, 1
Divorced 4/28/08

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson



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bump for ARK


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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It seems it was history kind of repeating itself. I don't really know.

It's like I live in two realities.

reality a: everythings ok. problems are normal. I loved him once and can love him again. He just has issues.

reality a = good christian woman

reality b: everything is NOT ok. I want as far away from him that I can get, and other than having my beautiful babies I regret much of our relationship.



I am very confused.

FB, hang tight. I just got home and I'll be back in just a little bit.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Some questions for you FB:

1) Does he still have contact or any type of friendship with any young girls/women?

2) Has his behavior, atitude, etc. changed since "recovery" started?

3) How is your marriage now compare to when you first got married?

Once again, advice offered on this board are (non-professional) opinions. You should take them into consideration, but only you know the real circumstances and all the facts; we don't.

BA- go away. You were not invited to post on this thread.

Can the mods please do something about this troll? BA is now stalking me.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Some questions for you FB:

1) Does he still have contact or any type of friendship with any young girls/women?

2) Has his behavior, atitude, etc. changed since "recovery" started?

3) How is your marriage now compare to when you first got married?

Once again, advice offered on this board are (non-professional) opinions. You should take them into consideration, but only you know the real circumstances and all the facts; we don't.

Hey, BA -

Why don't you cool it with the questions until you can answer the ones that have been asked of you repeatedly?

I'll post them again

1. What is your experience with infidelity/adultery? Are you a BS, WS, OP, or child of divorce?

2. How have you used the MB principles in your life?

It's not fair for you to be digging around in other people's lives when you have been repeatedly asked to state your purpose here. If you refuse to answer these questions, GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.

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BA, here are the answers to your questions:

1. leave me alone
2. leave me alone
3. leave me alone.

If you were here for good reasons, you would explain yourself.

If you were here for good reasons, you would have respected my boundaries and left me alone when I originally requested you to.

And by the way, leave me alone.


FBW, 25
Daughter, 2
Son, 1
Divorced 4/28/08

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson



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