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#1996231 12/20/07 02:45 PM
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My W had an A with her boss. I found out about it Sunday. I found out after it had ended. In fact, I found the correspondence ending it. She's been very upfront about everything, answering my questions. I truly believe she's incredibly sorry for her actions, and would hope this is something we can work through (with help). I know the OM and his W. Frankly, knowing the pain I'm in, I have no interest in telling her about this. Everything I read here seems to suggest it's my duty to inform her. I don't know that I can. Why is it my duty to ruin someone else's life? My W has agreed to leave the job, go to counseling, and I guess I could be fooling myself, but I believe we can get through this. Telling the OM's W would riddle me with guilt. Perhaps it's part of the process, but I simply can't do it.

broken1 #1996232 12/20/07 03:41 PM
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You're going to have guilt either way. I would suggest that you tell the OM to tell her, or you will. It's her right to know.

HelpCoping #1996233 12/20/07 03:54 PM
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YOU won't be ruining anyone's life. If it "ruins" her life, it will be bacause of her H's and your W's actions. You are simply allowing her to make her decisions knowing the truth about her life.

Think of this: what if she goes along for 10 more years thinking everything is fine, only to discover her H's NEXT affair, then finding out about his previous As. What will she think? She'll think "I sure wish they had told me, it would have saved me 10 years of my life!"

What would YOU want? Would you want the truth? I know I would. You should feel guilt for NOT telling her.

broken1 #1996234 12/20/07 03:58 PM
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Put yourself in her shoes ... if you didn't know of the A, would you prefer to be told what is going on in your own marriage or remain blissfully ignorant, while others hold onto a secret about YOUR life???

MyRevelation #1996235 12/20/07 04:03 PM
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I would tell the OM to be a man & confess his adulterous affair to his Wife. She deserves to know. She deserves to be able to go to her Dr. and get tested for the zillion kinds of STD's out there today. Of course she will be devestated, but she'll live.


BS(me) 40
WH 40
D-day 10/03/2007
***Recovering and growing wiser and stronger.***
I was divorced 10/08/2008.

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Why should only you have to feel the pain due to the OM's actions?

Why shouldn't the OM have to feel the pain of his wife finding out?

Who is the cause for the OMW pain, you or the OM?

Why should the OMW be lied too, and denied the ablitiy to repair her marriage?

When exposure prevents the rekidling of the affair why would you not use it?

TheRoad #1996237 12/21/07 01:35 PM
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Do you wish you did not know?
I'm grateful someone told me the truth! Without knowing the truth I would have never know why she really wanted to leave.
Tell her before there are more people hurt. Give them a chance to work things out knowing the truth and being able to trust each other.
Give the OM wife the same opportunity you and others here have to work on their marriage.


ME 55
S 33,31,29,D 19
DDay 9/2005
Continued contact thru 7/06
Contact 12/06 Contact 5/07
Divorced 12/14/09
Married 13 days short of 34 years
HelpCoping #1996238 12/21/07 02:14 PM
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You're going to have guilt either way. I would suggest that you tell the OM to tell her, or you will. It's her right to know.

If the BS told the WS that the OP must tell the OP spouse than what verification would you have that it was done? I ask because I asked my husband if the OPS knew that the affair started up again and he claims that she has told her husband. I heard the same story the first 'go around' of this affair and when I contacted the husband he was in shock. Somehow, I don't think the BS can trust either person contributing to the affair-they are both liars.

Any thoughts from anyone else?

tru2luv #1996239 12/21/07 02:50 PM
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I wouldn't mess around with intermediaries, either the WS or OP. Call the OPS yourself and tell him.

Tyk #1996240 12/21/07 11:14 PM
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tru2luv, when he talk to the OM to be a man and tell his wife about his affair and if OM agrees to do it, he will need to demand the OM to ask his wife to call him to confirm that the OM's wife know. If he doesn't get a call from the OM's wife with in say 2 days, he will tell her himself.

BestAngel #1996241 12/22/07 12:59 AM
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tru2luv, when he talk to the OM to be a man and tell his wife about his affair and if OM agrees to do it, he will need to demand the OM to ask his wife to call him to confirm that the OM's wife know. If he doesn't get a call from the OM's wife with in say 2 days, he will tell her himself.

I don't think this is very good advice. He should call the OMW himself. Exposure doesn't work if you warn people first. It just gives them a chance to gaslight and turn the BS into a "crazy person" in everyone else's eyes.


FWW - 36 DH - 35 Married 7 years No children (yet...) ...mostly sunny with a chance of brief fog...
maggiemagster #1996242 12/22/07 06:04 AM
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Broken, how did you find out? Is there NC? Did you expose?


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