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#1996254 12/20/07 07:09 PM
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After a 21 year marriage, 2 college age kids, I'm now divorced.

It’s the end of the year, my first full year of being divorced for a full year. 15 months divorced now. Tonight, I'm tired, exhausted from today, this year of work, the years of work really.

Tonight, (my ex) called to see if I needed anything, because she’d heard I wasn’t feeling well. I told her that I was just really exhausted. I also admitted that I was missing her terribly. It was a weak moment, and she said she has those moments too.

Then she said she had something to tell me though. She hesitated, then said, “I’m going on a date tonight.” Something about an art exhibit. She’s been to his company dinner. She’s met his folks. He’s coming for Christmas to meet her Mom & Dad.

I said something about “...just take it slow...” Some nonsense, I wonder what I meant by that?

I did say, (as evenly as posible) “That’s good.”

I thanked her for telling me. Thanked her for the call. Tried to keep everything casual.

I realize that I’ve been hurt and that I am acting hurt. I hide in my shell and don’t do anything (but work overtime), which is having a destructive effect on me.

I’m always tired and I don’t allow myself to be confident or to take the bull by the horns. I’m too negative and too headachy and too thoughtful of the past instead of the future.

So I wrote this down, because it hurts. The great love of my life is slipping away, the window is closing. Feels both good and bad, but mostly feels really bad right now.

Where did your long hair go
Where is the girl I used to know
How could you lose that happy glow
Oh, caroline no

Who took that look away
I remember how you used to say
Youd never change, but thats not true
Oh, caroline you

Break my heart
I want to go and cry
Its so sad to watch a sweet thing die
Oh, caroline why

Could I ever find in you again
Things that made me love you so much then
Could we ever bring ‘em back once they have gone
Oh, caroline no



She’s looking for happiness in the arms of another man. I feel like such a loser. Bad, empty, scared feeling of dread in my stomach. Tears almost coming to my eyes.

I’m so angry that the person who promised to stand by me for life, bailed. That I made her so unhappy or bored or who knows what, that she put me through this unhappy process of starting over.

I’m angry at her, I’m angry at me.

I remember somebody saying that a lot of people get stuck right where I'm at. Honestly, I do not feel confident about emerging from this.

I think I perfer to just lay here wounded.

aescheylus #1996255 12/20/07 08:43 PM
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I'm sorry you're hurting. You know you need to get out, yes? So...does your town or city have a Christmas dinner or some such charity event that you can volunteer to help out at? Hand out gifts to poor kids? Visit people in a retirement community? (old people are notoriously ignored at Christmas) Find one thing you can do in the next week, that isn't about you or yours. It will do your heart (and health) good. Even if you don't feel like doing it, do it anyway. Dr Catperson says so.

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thank you for the thoughtful response.

I will have to consider that... it's real good advice.

thanks!


"Sell 'crazy' someplace else, we're all stocked up here." ~ Melvin Udall
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You need to get your self esteem and confidence back.......join a gym....get in shape. Buy some new clothes and make yourself appealing again. Trust me, it will do wonders!!!! Who knows, maybe your EX will see that new found confidence and it may spark her interest again. There is one thing women love about a man........CONFIDENCE.

StartinOver #1996258 12/21/07 06:24 PM
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this thing was 'running in the background' all day today, but i am reminding myself that:

There's a finite number of times that this person can break my heart.

thanks for the replies.


"Sell 'crazy' someplace else, we're all stocked up here." ~ Melvin Udall
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I was there, and it felt good to lie in my own misery... until I realise I can lie there forever and let all the good things in life slip by!

The above are good suggestions. Get a haircut, do some outdoor activities and pep out before depression sets in. Find a hobby to fill your free time (work life balance), volunteer, cook for your friends during this holiday, just do some activities to force yourself out of this sad state of mind.

Stop talking to x. Stop letting her break your heart over and over again. Your heart is your own now, and it's time to let it heal. It does not belong to her anymore. It belongs to you.

Be good to yourself. If you look around you, you will find that God has given you many other blessings -- rejoice in those blessings and the darkness will soon fade.

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i'm imagining her "being with" her new friend.

...or hangin' out, celebrating xmas, making plans.

and it's all i can think about.

it's draining!

part of me says it's good, i want her to be happy, and she'll make somebody a great companion.

she has a fresh start with a good guy that maybe she likes.

...it just really hurts that the guy wasn't me.

------

she's been gone for 2.5! years, but this has really caught me off guard.

can you believe that?

i'm like 70% sure i want her back now -- it's a real struggle not to go over there and reclaim her, or say something that will interfere with... what she's got.

i'm going to bed. i hope i'll feel better tomorrow.

...this is agony.


"Sell 'crazy' someplace else, we're all stocked up here." ~ Melvin Udall
aescheylus #1996261 12/24/07 12:15 PM
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i find it amazing that i'm now feeling frantic about my ex making decisions that involve her moving on with her life, finding happiness, starting something new.

the feeling is like - the opposite of - infatuation, being in love... instead of that "high, happy, energized" feeling, i feel: dread, loss, left behind, discarded.

and it's gonna be ok! i'll need a couple weeks, then i'll be fine.

----------

i also notice that i'm concerned that she might get burned... that she might become a notch on his belt...

but she's a big girl now, doesn't need me lookin out for her safety.

blahblahblah


"Sell 'crazy' someplace else, we're all stocked up here." ~ Melvin Udall
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i called my ex at her apartment this morning to wish her a merry christmas, send her some luv

my understanding is that she will go out w/me to explore whether we have anything left to offer each other.

...that is, if i heard right...


"Sell 'crazy' someplace else, we're all stocked up here." ~ Melvin Udall
aescheylus #1996263 12/26/07 11:03 PM
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eh.

maybe not.

gonna hafta let her go.

i love you.

take care.

bobby


"Sell 'crazy' someplace else, we're all stocked up here." ~ Melvin Udall
aescheylus #1996264 12/27/07 12:17 PM
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Often, if one part of a couple is not out living his life, all he can do is dwell on what the other part of the couple is doing.

So what are you doing to not be sitting at home dwelling on what she is doing? Have you followed our advice yet? Why not? Are you just making excuses so you can stay in your comfortable pity party? Not trying to be rude; trying to virtually shake your shoulders and say 'snap out of it, man!'

You need to be DOING things. It's the only way to get over this hill you're facing. And no, it's not a mountain, just a hill, totally traversible. Call United Way today (http://volunteer.unitedway.org/index.cfm) and tell them you're looking for a volunteer opportunity. They'll match you with the right thing. If you're a computer programmer, you could help people learn how to use computers. If you're an artist, you can teach kids how to draw. If you're a good cook, you could join Meals on Wheels. There are so very many needs out there going unfulfilled, people who have so much less than you do, that your presence in their lives can mean the difference between wanting to die and wanting to live. You can be that person!

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i work overtime (helps pay for college), so i don't have the time to volunteer... but i get the big picture you're trying to convey.

the divorce is hitting me real hard now. i must have been in denial all these months.

seems to be peaking right now, what with not being able to sleep more than 1-2 hours, and walkin around blubbering.

yes, i do need to get out... i also need to get my house in order. so i'm trying to pull that together.

i have learned a lot about myself and my marriage this week. it's very humbling to face it and i can't get in to my IC til monday. i'm just kind of journalizing/venting here.


I am trying to do the right thing for us, which is to "let go." it's very painful since i didn't really start the "letting go" process until - well, last night.

i want to live. i will get over this.

i see a beautiful silver lining in this unhappy ending.

believe me, no one wants to snap out of this more than i do.
but i have to grieve, i have to mourn... i have to accept.

i lost her.

Last edited by aescheylus; 12/27/07 01:39 PM.
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Evidently your's didn't try to kill you.

Man, go out and get yourself a good lapdance.

And a new 42" tv.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Dude, you're feeling exactly how I do right now...and I'm not divorced yet. I know it hurts, like having someone take your heart and run it through a shredder then hand the pieces back to you. I think you are depressed( mainly because you sound so much like I do right now ) I wish I had some advice that is better but I don't. There is some good people on here, perhaps they can give you advice that will help you " jump start " your life again.


Once was happy, once had a family, once was married...now just alone and miserable.
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Quote:

Man, go out and get yourself a good lapdance.

And a new 42" tv.




Buying something nice for myself always worked for me when I was feeling down during my divorce! I went on my BEST vacations while waiting for the judges final decision!!!

Chin up dude!


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aescheylus ,
you only lost her for now....it aint over till your 6 feet underground. You don't need to let go, just detach that is the most loving thing you can do for her. Who knows it may bring her back. You were married along time and I am sure there is still some love left from her...she just needs to rediscover it again. My situation is the same that I miss my wife terribly, but I am in a great relationship. Go figure, for some reason after I began a serious relationship, is when it all clicked. This may happen for your wife as well. She needs a comparison. Twenty one years is a long time to just go through the motions, she still loves you but I bet that its just buried deep. And don't worry about staying busy and all that jazz, do what you feel necessary we each have our own coping skills. What works for one may not work for another. There is not a day that I dont think about my ex....the more time passes the more I miss her and us together. She was the best thing that ever happened to me, so maybe learning this now is the lesson here. I have a good relationship with her and she has said that she really likes the man that I have become, maybe that will bring her back to me someday. At least that is my hope. But just remember the lesson also.


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thanks, ak (and others).

b/c it's happening NOW, i feel like i'm carrying around a sixty pound stone (as the saying goes).

i found some good articles on letting go, and i am re-reading them constantly.

it's going to be the hardest thing i've ever done.

i wasn't a praying man before, but i have to be one now.


"Sell 'crazy' someplace else, we're all stocked up here." ~ Melvin Udall
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i got 4! hrs sleep last night.

so i feel a little bit better.

some goals i have for today:

1. get through the day with a minimum of weeping. i was a mess yesterday.

2. start throwing out the clutter that was left behind; in the basement, the attic and the garage.

i read somewhere that when you make space in your house, you are making space in your life. time to rid myself of all the broken crap and bric-a-brac i got laying around.


"Sell 'crazy' someplace else, we're all stocked up here." ~ Melvin Udall
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You are grieving the loss of your marriage. That's actually a good thing. It is one of the steps toward healing. Get the tears out, by shedding them, you are clearing up emotionally.
Continue with other positive steps, like cleaning up. See a counselor if you need to get through this stage of your life.
It's a rollercoaster many of us have been on. And this is a great place for support.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*

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