Yesterday my WH and I went to court to reevaluate child support. He had bought me a birthday card, and snuck it in my purse while we were waiting to see the judge. That was sweet. I had actually made him pictures of Puerto Rico yesterday and laminated them and gave that to him afterward. It was so neat b/c we both did something for the other person without knowing it.

The judge said that we can’t change child support thru him, my H has to file a change thru domestic courts and we both have to fill out a financial affidavit. The judge asked if we were going to try and work things out and I didn’t answer and my WH said I don’t know and looked at me. I was silent. First time we were in front of the judge he had said no, I want a divorce vehemently. Afterward he was asking me why I was distant and didn’t it mean anything to me when we were snuggling and kissing last weekend.

Afterward we went to eat lunch. We talked about lots of things. I told him I didn’t know how he could respect any woman who broke up a marriage and has no respect for marriage….how could he respect someone that is part of an affair?! He said it was him who pursued it not her. And I said that is BS…I said I’ll give you 80% of the blame, but she didn’t discourage it! She didn’t say no you are married, instead she actually had a part in seducing him! And how could he look at her the same way? He said, she feels the same way about you, and I said I don’t give a ****** how she feels…you two were OVER, you moved out...and you and I were MARRIED. He didn’t say anything after that. I said when are your eyes going to be opened to the truth about her?

(In an older thread I explained that the OW is his ex and they have a 6 yr old son. He and I started dating AFTER they broke up, about 3 weeks, and he had moved out and gotten his own place. They were never married.)

He said he wanted to spend Christmas Day with us and I said what about Christmas Eve and he said he was going to be with his other son. I said with her and he said yes and her family…they make me feel welcome. I said to him I don’t feel comfortable with you being with her and her family one night and coming over to be with me and my family the next. That doesn’t work for me. And he said I want to see my sons…and Gretchen I don’t want to be alone on Christmas eve.

I asked him if he kissed her since he kissed me last week and he said no. I asked him if he can guarantee that he isn’t going to do it again and he said yes. (HMMM, I'm not stupid to believe that, but I WANT to believe it)

He said that they aren’t compatible and that they aren’t going to be together as man and woman and he is not going to have a relationship with her. I said you aren’t in love with her you just feel guilty about hurting her and you feel you owe her. He said I know I’m not in love with her I already said that but you weren’t listening. What should I believe? It is hard to trust.

So we left lunch, and I was taking him back to his car and we talked more about the past and he said he left her b/c he wasn’t in love with her but he did what he did to me (cheating) b/c he was mad at me. He said he is trying to not let his anger cloud his judgment anymore and that he is really trying hard.

I had a lot of questions answered which was good and he got a lot out too. He says that I insulted him first in the relationship by calling him an a-hole and that since I brought that into the relationship he saw it as disrespect and then he started doing it. Honestly I don’t know who slung the first name calling at the other. But I did apologize and told him if it was me then I was sorry.

I went to pick up our son and then he came over and fed him and took him home with him. We kissed goodbye.

I had called our Pastor and asked advice, and if I should be affectionate - one of my WH's biggest EN's. He said not to cloud judgment with romance right now (I think he meant sex) but to treat him more than a friend, b/c we are married, but emotions are high right now and that love is a choice and not a feeling. I told him he told me that he cared about the OW b/c she was the mother of his son and how painful it was to hear, and he said I don’t know how you handle it and I said I don’t either...god's grace.

Although I don’t think he cares about her in a romantic way…just the mother of his child kind of way. Pastor did say that he had told my WH he should move out of her house, so he was glad to hear that he did that and thinks that is a positive step for us.

Prayed more last night, trying not to be confused. Praying he will see her for who she is and that he will have NO attraction to her, no love for her whatsoever and that he will forgive me, soften his heart and recommit to our marriage…that he will ask forgiveness for what he has done to me too and change and have a desire to be with me and Nicholas. I’m very specific!

Should I let him come over and spend the day with me and our son on Christmas? I'm not comfortable taking him in front of my family yet. They know what he did and they are kind of "over it" b/c he cheated 3 different times with his ex....always coming back, then getting mad at me and running to her.

I don't want to miss out on spending time with him, and a chnace to do EN's, but I don't want to be manipulated or used either.
FWS's, do you have any advice? BS's, have you had this same situation?

Free
BS(me) 37
WH 37
OW/his ex 34
Married 4/2006
Dday 6/8/09 - not even a few months married!
Together since 9/2005

FTBM,



You can't tell him anything about the OW at this point. Doing so will only result in him defending her and will make you feel worse.

Sorry, but I am not all that familiar with your situation, but I presume that you are not yet divorced. I think that you really need to read up on Plan A and make a plan for a good one, that avoids LB.

This post really makes it appear like you are doing a load of LB. I recognize it because I was the queen and countess of angry outbursts.

My FWH used to cheat when he was made at me. For some reason it made him feel like he was in control. I guess I don't see any reason why it would be to your benefit to not let him spend the holiday time with you if you are not in plan B.

I recommend you either stick to plan A or institute Plan B. Don't sit in the middle, it is probably sending him a very confused, mixed message.

Who

WhoMe, Thanks for the reply.
He has moved out so a Plan A is a little difficult, but I'm trying. My Pastor said no sex, which is one of his EN's, but affection is too so I can do that. Although he never filled out the questionaire, I did it for him.
I just don't want him to be kissing and holding my hand one week, then hers the next. That is a fair boundary.

I read up on some Plan A's. I'm a little afraid of being taken advantage of. I know it is suppose to be for me to, to improve myself, but the real goal is to woo back the WS, in the end.
He used to do SO many LB's, it was necessary for him to move out - emotional and verbal abuse. I didn't expect he would move in with her, but he did temporarily. He has his own place now.

Yes I reacted strongly yesterday, but what BS wants to hear that their WS "cares for the OP". Argh. I need to not react, but sheesh, it is hard to take when I am his wife.

How did you implement plan A? I could cook him dinner, I already bought him some Christmas presents. But see I don't know what he is doing when we aren't together. What if he is cake-eating? He HAS to have contact with the OW b/c of their son.....

p.s. What is a troll? I can't find the list of abbreviations to review.

FTB,

My WH is living with OW. In fact on D-day he pretty much moved out to be with her. In the beginning I did a Plan A as best as I could when I was around him. For me, I got to the place pretty quickly that I wanted my M MORE than I wanted to hurt him for what he was doing.

I got him to go out on a walks with me, whenever he was at his friends house, I would go over there and talk and make him laugh. I didn't really understand Plan A, and I am so STILL LEARNING, therefore wasn't able to apply the teachings that I am receiving on here now. I

didn't have a focus for what I was trying to do. I think that has delayed a lot of time with my recovery as well as I blew many opportunities, because my focus of what I was acomplishing wasn't there and I think would have a made a difference to getting him home sooner, like he would have been home by now.

But, I wasn't healed enough inside and G-d had other plans, thought I don't know what they are yet.

My humble experience is in Plan A you do get taken advantage of, but you are choosing to allow it to happen. You have a focus of what you are trying to work on. You are being the best person you can be and making the changes YOU want to change for you. As Mimi and the wise ones on here remind me, it's showing him what life can be like if he were to come back home. But, most importantly there are NO EXPECTATIONS that he will respond, give ,etc in any way. Remember, and this is the part hardest for me - he is an alien who has taken over my H body and my H is not there to deal with. This replacement is a monster.

I deal mostly with my WH who is so into his addiction it's scary. I get so frustrated and sad because I don't see results or think anything is happening.

So truly the only advice I can give you, is once you decide that Plan A is for you, listen to the others on here who will walk you through what you do and what you don't do. I have made lots of DO NOT DO's.

This is hard...I totally understand. But I guess for me, I realized that I loved my H more than being hurt and wanted him home more.

Bracha

FTBM1970:

Ace Asked for my thread....

Here it is:

LG's Curtains Thread

Hope this helps!

LG

FTBM,


Honestly, without knowing I was doing it.

I didn't consciously acknowledge that my FWH WAS HAVING an affair. For me, that was pretty much a good thing because I don't know if I could have pulled off being even civil to him while the affair was on-going.

He was soooo short tempered and critical of everything I did while he was having his affair that I reached the point where I just decided to not spar with him about anything. When he would start in, I would just leave the room.

I had a very demanding job at the time and I pretty much just focused on it and on social activities with female friends.

Meanwhile, OW became more and more demanding and was LBing all over the place. My FWH tried to end the A (OW lives 3000 miles away) at the 4 month point and in response, she started threatening to kill herself, expose the affair to me, yada yada.

So he stayed in the affair for another 4 month, hating OW more and more.

He assumed that if OW told me, I would dump him immediately, but finally had enough of the OW's threats and manipulation, so he ended the A before I found out.

To me, it really sounds like your WH doesn't really know what he wants right now.

If you feel ready to go plan B, then make sure you establish what he must do in order to become a part of your life again.

I also recommend that when the time is right, he get IC to help him understand that cheating in response to anger is only going to make his life, and yours more difficult.

Good Luck.

Who

Skins,
It stinks to be on the receiving end of this stuff. Ho hum. I will try Plan A as best as I can. I have a lot of pride so it is going ot be hard. And my LB to get mad needs to be tempered.

LG - Thanks for sending your link. I'm curious to get inside your head.

Who, It is a little harder b/c we are living apart, but I am focusing on my kids and having a life.

I just met him at the bank b/c he needed me to deposit a check his Mom sent, then I got the cash out for him. I was happy and we chatted and he gave me a great hug and kiss. He is going to a work party tonight and I have dinner plans with friends. I offered to mail his Christmas cards to his parents in Puerto Rico so he gave me those. He was very appreciative of it. And I told him I'd talk to him over the wknd...just made it very light and non-stressful.
Inside I'm just wondering why doesn't he say WHEN CAN I SEE YOU?"

He asked yesterday if there was anything he could do to help...around the house or whatnot. I said not really but I'd like to go see a movie. He said he'd check his schedule over the wknd, b/c he works Sat and Sun, and let me know if we can work it out.

It drives me crazy not knowing if and when he talks to her.

THANKS to all of you so very much.

LG,Ace,Who,Skins,
I am just so sad. I am trying to be patient. It is so hard. I am trying to do the right thing, trying to be nice, trying not to get angry, trying not to call names, trying to take account of MY behavior, trying to still set boundaries too and tell him how I feel.
Trying to show my love without losing my dignity. Trying to be reasonable and understanding. Trying NOT to move out and seek out other men to date. It’s like I’m in a sort of limbo, but not. I do things with friends and family and raise my kids, but then part of me is just here, waiting.