I'm posting for some reassurance I guess and also advice on how we're dealing with all of this.

My husband had a EA and brief PA with a co-worker. This occured at the end of my pregnancy and after my baby was born, which kills me. I didn't find out until many months later but I suspected it the whole time and thought I was going crazy. I am so mad at myself for being so trusting!

The good part is that my husband ended this thing before I found out so I never had to deal with the husband abducted by aliens thing. But, he remained friends with her and he still works with her. She initiated the relationship when she started to give him eyes at work and then told him she had a crush on him. She was stroking him like crazy and telling him she loved him and how wonderful she thought he was, etc. He reciprocated. He now realizes that it was really about being addicted to the stroking and not about her.

I felt emotionally abandoned at the time. I remember posting on the internet that I thought my husband was having an affair. Then I somehow just thought I was being insecure and ignored the feelings. He was doing all the typical crap like working out like crazy, not looking me in the eyes, being distant, etc. I am still so angry and terribly hurt that he took away the joy for me of having a new baby and the time of renewal with him after a long pregnancy.

In addition, we actually had a wonderful relationship and marriage prior to this. It was just that having all of that attention from someone attractive was intoxicating and he didn't really know how to react. He tried to break it off many times and finally did but it took several months. The good thing is that he recognizes all of this now and sees how slimy she is. We both recognize he was slimy as well, but since she was hitting on him I naturally think she is the bigger slimeball. However, as I mentioned before, he remained friends with her. Because of this, he was still hiding things from me and there is a part of me that feels the door was never really closed on the relationship. She kept encouraging him to lie to me even as the affair had died off.

He seems to realize that it was really about being stroked and not about this person. In fact, he finds her rather annoying now. Another positive thing is that even though we did have a great fun-loving relationship, there were a few areas where things were lacking and we are both working on improving those areas. I know from reading other posts that our situation could have been much much worse.

However, I'm still hurt and feel an enormous lost of trust. I still look at him sometimes and feel like this is not the person I married. He can't believe that he could have done something like this and he is very remorseful. I feel like I need to move on and realize that in some ways, this could be a gift in that it is bringing us closer together and we were not completely torn apart by this. But on the other hand I feel so low sometimes, like I'm just a piece of trash to be discarded like that at such a pivotal moment in our lives.

I also have not told anyone about this whole thing and that kills me too. I've read that it may not be a good idea to tell family/friends but that increases my sense of loneliness and isolation.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now.
This is a long weekend for most people so you may not get as many replies as you would normaly. I will be around and check in with you when I can. I have had a few good friends that have gone through this and I know it is painful.Don't feel as if you shouldn't be hurting as much as others because your stich isn't as "bad" as others. IT HURTS! From what I have read here it takes 2 years to the get to a place where you feel normal again.

The first thing to address is the fact that your husband still works with the OW, he has to quit or you will never recover. That is one of the #1 rules here. Also you should read the just found out information on this sight. It will help you in your healing. I am not a MB expert but I am sure one will chime in as soon as they can. Just think of me as your hand holding buddy until then.

I have a few questions that will help out when the experts chime in:
How old are you both?
How long have you known each other?
How long have you been married?
How many children do you have (ages)?
When did the affair start and end?
How did you find out?
Did you know the OW?
Is she married and if so does her BS know?

Take care sweetie, I will check in later to see if you replied.
(((((((HUGS))))))))))

He has to achieve no contact for life with the OW. One of them has to leave that company. You will never get to the recovery stage otherwise.

Get the book Surviving an Affair as soon as you can and read up on all the basic concepts of this site.

Is your H conducting his life in a transparent mode for you? Do you have his passwords and access to email and cell phones?

Your pain is no less than anyone else's here. You were betrayed by the one person you trusted most and it appears that beyond some guilt he has not had to meet any consequences for his adultery.

I am sorry you are here but there is a lot of help at this site.

Hi working,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. And sorry to see you here under the circumstances.

There are a ton of resources on this site---lots of free stuff under the concepts, Q&As, and articles. The bookstore has lots of Harley's stuff as well. And finally (and best-est, in my book), the Harley's provide marriage coaching over the phone. If you can afford it---it'll help you wade through this stuff quicker.

Dr. Harley would certainly advise that your husband find a new job. Based on the fact that the affair was brief AND the fact that he finds her annoying---it's possible to build a recovery around this without relocating jobs---but I doubt he would advise it.

I'd suggest that you call the Harley's with regards to coaching. If you're not going to do this---then start reading the concepts---the Rules of Care (meeting emotional needs), Protection (eliminating Lovebusters), Honesty (complete, total honesty between spouses---even "yes, you do look fat in that dress..." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) and Time (15 hrs/week alone time---really easy with an infant). The Policy of Joint Agreement is a cornerstone with regards to getting these issues negotiated safely and successfully. And please do answer suamico's questions with regard to the state of your marriage---it'll help us craft some better advice.

Thank you so much for your replies. You have no idea how nice it is to know that someone can hear me and understand.

I found out a month ago and have read two of Dr. Harley's books since. I also read "Not Just Friends...." by Shirley Glass which is a phenominal book which has helped us both so much. The thing that is explained very well in this book is that a good marriage does not ensure against infidelity. This is so true in our case. My WH was completely unaware of what was going on until he was in the thick of it so to speak.

I know about and completely agree with no contact. I know that because this has not occured completely this is hurting our recovery. He has completely ended the friendship. He has told her that any contact has to be professional and kept as short and direct as possible. It is a sticky situation.

He is completely open with everything with me now. I know all of his passwords. He calls me several times during the day. He tells me if he even sees her and what has occured during the day. He says that now that he knows how these situations can happen, that he will never let it happen again. He resents her for the pain that she caused and doesn't see what he saw in her before. At the same time, he recognizes his own faulty behavior.

These situations are not as easy when you have kids to support and that is why he has thus far stayed at his job. We are taking it one day at a time. Initially he was resistent, lied about details, the typical stuff. Now he will do anything to save our marriage. He is completely willing to switch jobs.

She is married btw and her husband knew about it while it was going on. He had threatened to contact me which I wish he had so this all could have been stopped earlier. I don't know if he knows all the details I know. He may know more or less than me. They had a secret email account and all of those emails are deleted. I don't think he ever knew about the secret email account. I'm sure she lied to him given that she told my husband to lie to me repeatedly. That is another thing that bothers me that I can't read what they really wrote to each other. I've caught my husband in a few lies regarding details. Do you think I should contact him for the sake of my own closure and his?

Yes, you should contact him.

I've never seen a marriage recover while the affair partners are still working together, but maybe yours will be the first.

I agree. You should tell her husband. If you're lucky, maybe he will make HER quit her job. Her husband has a right to know the truth about his marriage.

Working...

I felt the need to post because we are in a very similar situation. I cannot help you as far as being a pro, because I am nowhere near that, however I can sympathize with you to the best of my ability because my WH still works with the OW too.

We have searched endlessly for another job, tried selling the house and everything besides just foreclosure and living in the car (which we are not willing to do) and nothing at all has opened up anywhere.

I discovered their EA (of which neither of us had any clue what one was) back in January of this year. There were inappropriate emails (bashing me) and other things that I was clueless to pick up on. Thankfully it had not advanced to a PA yet.

He is acting the same as your H is now. Completely annoyed with OW, I have his password and he knows I check his email several times a day. He doesn't physically work with her, she is in an office and he is in the field, but they still have contact by email and phone (only if absolutely needed).

So...even though this may not help you, I just wanted to know that I am praying for your situation just the same as I am mine. Although we are not near recovery by MB standards and we have accepted that, we also believe to some extent that there is a reason God has us going through this. We have roller coaster days but my H has bent over backwards to show me that it is me he wants.

There is much more to our story, but I just wanted to give you a shout out to let you know that I am thinking of you. I think Believer posted the same comment to me about recovery not being possible with the WH working with OW and I am absolutely agreeing with that. I believed that before and here almost a year later, I still do. It has gotten somewhat easier for us, but I never ever let my guard down.

So...we just continue to work on us, while he still works with her, and pray...lots of prayer.

Well, how do I approach this given that I'm finding out about something that in most senses ended 6 months ago. Her husband knew about it about a year ago and then I'm not sure if he thought it ended at that point or not. I'm really angry still because I just found out. I couldn't say anything nice about someone who was coming on to my husband a few weeks after I gave birth to a baby (she knew this also). I am completely and utterly disgusted by that. Also, I don't know why he didn't give her an untimatum regarding the job back when he knew something was going on, except that he let her keep the job for financial reasons.

brief TJ - Mama - Glad to hear you are recovering. It doesn't happen very often.

mama4two,

Thank you for posting. Even though this is a bad situation for both of us, at least we aren't alone it it. I am so thankful my WH is being so extemely remorseful, however, knowing he sees her everyday is hard.

We can pray for each other now.

One problem with the situation is that it doesn't protect the feelings of the BS. While they are at work, you have to be wondering. Like Melody says - it is like sending a proven alcoholic into the bar and telling them it's okay to spend 8 hours a day there, but don't drink anything.

Yes, I do wonder constantly. Thankfully he doesn't physically see her on a regular basis but I know there are times when it's mandatory for him or else get fired. It isn't as bad as it used to be for me because I see him not reply to the emails, there are no phone calls. However, I do not let my guard down at all and he knows that I will not do that. He has never once yelled and defended himself or OW at all throughout this entire ordeal. I don't feel at complete peace and I won't until they no longer work together, but I don't feel that there is more to the story than what he tells me. I told him that his actions speak much louder than words and his actions are slowly proving that he is being honest with me.

Do I think we are recovering?? No, I sure don't. I do think, however, that we are growing in other areas as far as making sure our EN's are met as much as we possibly can. He knows that the one thing I need, for him to find another job, is the one thing that I cannot have right now. I have seen him look tirelessly, send out resumes', go to places of employment (I have gone with him) and hear nothing back.

I know it seems twisted but we are handling it the best way we can for now. I will continue to pray for you...

Thanks to all the pros who offer their advice. I still read here daily and my heart breaks for those in much worse situations than I. I am thankful that there are people here with a good head on their shoulders who are able to offer sound advice based on the Harley's principles. One day I hope to be a pro! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, I feel like I need advice again.

We had such a great Chistmas break. We both felt so close to each other. We were both so empowered and happy and strong. We adore each other and always had. I finally felt like our relationship had the potential to be the best it ever has been. He has been saying this for months, but I was feeling so torn up and trampled on that I just couldn't see how things could be repaired.

Then he went back to work. Just seeing him in work clothes in the morning was a trigger. I suddenly saw the monster again. I see most of the people he works with as somehow slimy. I HATE her SO much.

I see that he will probably need to leave his job. We are looking but nothing has come up as of yet. I refuse to let it be something that harms our family. Any job decision will need to be a move up for us.

I guess I'm not desperate for him to leave the job because he despises her too. He sees so clearly now what a flake she is, and how she parroted everything he said to persuade him to like her. She is nothing to him but meaningless,
attention seeking scum. The comment regarding sending an alcoholic to a bar for 8 hours a day, doesn't apply in this situation because he has no feelings for her except complete and utter disregard at best. It would have been different had I discovered all of this while it was all going on. Then he was confused. Now he sees that he had feelings for her only because she was infatuated with him and it was a stupid, horrible mistake.

I'm just having a hard time moving on. It is so great while we are together. But when he is away from me, I start to feel panicky. I know nothing will happen with her. It is just flashback fear I think. I don't know. He has to work. Somehow we have to get better.

That is another reason why we always advise that they don't work together. It will make recovery very hard.

But seeing as how he won't be quitting his job, have you read all the stuff that K posted to you? Are you spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together? Are you following the Policy of Joint Agreement?