My H told me last night that he is unhappy and that he sees no other option but for us to separate. Neither of these things is new news, but it truly feels like he has gone over the edge this time. We are supposed to talk about next steps tonight. My whole story is posted in the EN boards if you care to read it.

Now some questions come to mind about how I should handle the conversation we're supposed to have tonight. I have no idea where he is leaning except that he will definitely not be going with me to my family Christmas celebration tomorrow. It is very likely he will tell me he going to leave for a while to figure out what he wants to do.

So, if he wants to separate:

Do I request that he tell me where he will be living? (I have decided that under no circumstances will I be the one to leave our home since I'm not the one who wants out of the M)
Do I ask how much contact he expects us to have?
Do I ask if there's a time frame he has in mind?
How should I approach financial discussions?
Is it appropriate to ask how he plans to figure out what he wants?
Should I try to present other options instead of moving out?

I don't want to make him angry or seem difficult to him. I actually do want him to feel that I wish him no unhappiness, but that I don't want to make leaving easy for him.

Any input will be appreciated.

If he wants to separate:

1. Tell him that you're sorry he feels like that, becuase you'd really like him to stay.

2. Ask if there are any things in particular that you can do to help him stay at home.

3. If he's still wants to leave, ask him the important info (where will you be, how would you like me to contact you, etc.). If you depend on him for financial support, ask if he'll continue to deal with bills and stuff (and if not, you'll have to negotiate around it).

I wouldn't bother with asking him about long term plans, or any 'future' issues regarding the relationship. He probably barely has a short term plan. Do present different options to keep him home. Do so as cheerfully as possibly.

Thanks, K. I'm going to make some notes to have with me when I talk to him. It may seem cheesey, but I really want to keep myself on track and not go down a path that will be damaging for future reconciliation possibilities.

You can't always keep a spouse around who wants to leave, but you can:

1. Make it clear that you don't want them to leave.
2. Make flexible suggestions that would attempt to solve the condition that they're leaving for.
3. Make sure they know that they're welcome back at any time.

I'm very nervous about talking to him tonight. I'm tired of the roller coaster, but don't think I'm ready to deal with a separation especially right now in the holidays.

Yeah---it's a tough time to deal with this stress on top of all the others. Man, it's enough to make you wish that Jesus picked a different birthday... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[Copied from your other, earlier thread -- Good luck tonight]

Those all look like reasonable questions to ask. I'd affirm to him that you love him, want him to be happy, like being married to him, and are concerned that separation at this time wouldn't be productive.

I might even ask if he is trying to get your attention? And if so, ask him to tell you frankly what changes he would want in your M. Let him know that you eagerly desire that your marriage be mutually satisfying and you believe it can be again.

You could (prepare yourself) and ask directly whether he is having an affair. If he denies it, you could tell him that it is very hard not to believe he is given that he is intent on separating. You could tell him you'd rather have the truth, regardless of whether it is painful or not.

I might even articulate your reasonable fears that one is more likely to stray when separated from a spouse, and express your concerns for how that could end up hurting him quite a bit. I think you do have to keep an eye out for an A. While he's living in the house, you might have opportunities to physically examine his cell phone, for example, while he is asleep or in the shower. You can usually review call histories, and if they are blank, that's probably not a good sign. You can write down numbers and check them out later. If you haven't, check out the "Spying 101" article.

Since you said that he's pulled back from people, you might even point that out to him gently and say that you think he would be happier if the two of you resumed a more social activities.

I'm a little curious. 40+ is a little old for a first marriage. Why did you never marry before?

Wishing you the best,

- WG