Hello everyone, this is my first post, I will try to cover everything but I’m sure I will forget something.

Me and my wife started young. We were highschool sweethearts, We started dating off and on in the 10th grade. We fell in love and started being sexually active my senior year, her junior year. We became pregnant in march of 98”, 3 months before graduation.

I had plans for college but instead we chose to get married and support my family. This was very hard on both of us. We were married 3 months after my graduation, she still had another year of school left. Our son was born december of that year and I didnt help her like I should have, changing very few diapers and bottles and hardly ever getting up for late night feedings.

Im not sure if it was that I really wasnt ready to get married or what my deal was but I didnt treat her the way a husband should treat a wife, with alot of angery outbursts and distrespectfull judgments, Leaving her at the house to go hang out with friends, lying about my wereabouts, the list goes on and on.

I worked for a small construction company, and for some reason I developed an infactuation with a secretery that worked there, Nothing ever happened between us, She never new how I felt, I never flirted or anything with her but how I felt reflected my actions at home by not being there emotionaly for my wife, giving her what she needed, denying her SF and being distespectfull. My wife didnt know what was going on and I didnt want to tell her because I trully loved my wife and new this was a phase that would eventualy pass.

The company eventualy went bankrupt after about a year and I was tired of having an inconsistant job so "I" decided that it was time to move back to my home town, my wife was not happy about this and I told her that "I was moving back home and she could come if she wanted to ether way I didnt care"

Now anybody can only take so much, I dont blame her for feeing the way she did and does, It is completely my fault. We moved back home literaly, into my parents house in my old room, I was lazy and didnt look hard for a job and ended up working on an old boat all summer. I could feel her changing and didnt see why, I didnt see my actions had changed her.

I got a job at a local fabrication shop and started renting a house from my uncle that was over priced and total junk but it was a roof and walls so we tried to make the best of it. My atitude started changing and saw my flaws and started working on them but it was to late for her, she had detatched emotionally from me but I didnt know it, I thought things were finally getting better but she had built up so much resentment towards me, I knew were I had failed her but my pride got in the way of me showing my remorse. I worked there for about 4 more years, in this time I was very isecure and saw her actions like denying me SF and felt she was having an affair and was always accusing her of it. She wasnt and I was to stupid to realize I had pushed her to this point.

She decided to go to college and I wasnt supportive of this and was terrified she was going to leave me when she graduated, later she admitted this as truth, again I understand why she felt this way, I was always worried she would meet some one at school.

At this point I am working at another construction company. I have really improved as a husband until one night she denied me SF and I forced myself on her, I wasnt violent more like persistant, I kept on till she gave in to me, this did major damage to her.

A year passes and I somehow think things are getting better because she is giving me more SF than ever before but there is no emotion in it and again I didnt understand why.

I quit that job to take a job that requires me to work a 14 day on and 14 day off scedule. This time I ask her opinion and she thought it would be a good thing for our family.

I realy think things are getting better until she starts going to bars while I'm at work, I am supportive of it at first but it became an every weekend thing and red flags start popping up I tell her that I dont think it is healthy for us and would like her to stop, she doesnt and I give her an ulamatum, either us or the bars and her friends, I was at work when I told her this. I was mad, she was mad and I didnt call her I came home 2 days later and emedeatly she told me she wanted a divorce, I was blown away that she chose this.

We separate and I am heart broken. She swears she is not seeing any one. I start a plan A before I found MB. I profess my love for her and tell her that she is all I want. Being selfish about my feelings I start going to bars and talking to other women, and started talking to an old ex from before I met my wife on the enternet. We reconcile after about 4 months. A friend of mine tells me a rumor that she had been with someone during the separation and I confront her She comes clean with me and tells me it started the next night after I gave her the ulamatum at the bar. It hurts but I can get over it.

She says that she was rebeling against me and there were no attachment to him, basicaly she used him, I dont know what to believe. I tell her that I still want to be her husband right after she came clean, I didnt tell her about me talking to my ex, I knew it was going no where and just wanted to sweep it under the rug. She knew I wasnt being honest and started looking around on the computer and confronted me about my email, This was just hours before i was going to work, I showed it to here and she saw everthing and was heart broken again. we work things out again and I go to work. I came home 1 week early to be there for her, we take a little vacation to get our minds off of it,

We are still together we decide that the bar scene must stop and did for alittle while but has started back up again, hanging out with here single girl friend. She tells me that she thinks she came back to soon and I feel she is going to leave again, I dont know if I can handle this all again.

I just dont know what to do, I just want her to be happy, do you all think this can be saved, I want nothing more than to have a great marriage with her. I have read all the books and still need some help.

Thanks,

What books have you read?

L.

His needs Her needs, love busters, and surviving an affair

But will read anything you all suggest, I have healing the shame that blinds you ordered but has not come in yet

Thanks for replying

What have you learned about a WS from SAA and how to communicate with a woman (your W) from HNHN?

Have you taken the EN questionnaire? Are you working with an MC or called Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling?

L.

Well its complicated, From what I have learned she has completely withdrawn from me emotionaly and seems to be in the fog but if she had no emotional attachment to the OM how can this be, I know she does not trust me with her heart right now, afterall if the shoe was on the other foot I would be the same way. I still have alot of work to do.

I honestly only want what is best for her and our son.

I have been directing all my attention to meeting all the EN she will let me and avoiding LB but I am afraid that when I am having a bad day and thinking about the A she knows whats bothering me and makes her question her decision to come back. There has been a few occasions that I was completely in tears upset and she acted like she could care less and got mad at me.

We tried a MC about 2 weeks after the A, before I knew about it and we really didnt like her. but she has started IC with a psyciatrist and was hoping that maybe she could help get a handle on the situation and start MC with her

I feel that I deserve everything that I have recieved for all the pain I have put her through.

thanks, WEIT

How old is your son and what is your current situation like?

WEIT,

Welcome to Marriage Builders, but sorry you're here under your painful circumstances.

In addition to what's been already suggested, it might be good to get/read Fall in Love, Stay in Love , which actually goes beyond HNHN.

Are you making plans to spend 15 hours of unterrupted time together? Is the MC/IC you're seeing or planning to see familiar with MB principles? That would be very helpful.

Again, sorry for your sitch, but you've come to the right place.

Ace

Our son just turned 9 last week and we are together and get along great and I we are definatly making good progress.

I have tried to present her with HNHN and the others but she just doesnt seem to be enterested in them I even got her the the CD set but dont think she has listened.

I will order the book, when I am home we are basicaly together all the time, Way mr than 15hrs but when Im at work that is 14 days of not being there at all, but I do try to give her 15hrs of coversation on the phone.

Not sure about her counseler yet, she is the only one that has gone, and there has only been 1 session.

watevritakes - here's another one to add to your reading list. I highly recommend this one for both of you to read and discuss.

Magnificent Marriage by Gordon MacDonald.


Hang in there. Keep posting. It will take time, but things will get better and you can have the sort of marriage you envision.

God bless.

If you TRULY and I mean TRULY live up to your name, I have absolutely no doubt that you can save your family.

A marriage is like constructing a house. People see the exterior and assume the home is completed. They don't realize that 90% of that home you just can not see from the outside. I pray you don't lose your determination when you have only completed the framing( reading books we have recomended).

Check in these forums 5 years down the road and reaquaint yourself to the husband and father you said you wanted to be.

Best of luck.

Thanks for the positive outlook guys, it really gives me hope.

I will order FILSIL tonight.

She wrote me a letter some time back, I have to ask her permission but would like to post it for you to get a better perspective of what is going on with her.

Well I just ordered FILSIL and Magnificent Marriage. I have got alot of reading to do

Like the name, says what ever it takes!

I talked with her and she said that she went to the bar again last night, the only thing that scares me is if she sees the OM there, we did last week when we were both there.

She did tell me that she wasnt going anymore after this.

Guess we will see!

For some reason I still trust her even though she lied to me the hole time we were separated and after we got back together.

There is another man that I am worried about. When we got back together we made a deal that we would drop all contact of people of the oposite sex, I have but she hasnt, They have alot in common but she says hes not her type, I know she has talked to him about a month ago to tell him about her new car but I dont know of anything recent.

I know we should have boundaries but I also dont want to push her away.

A little update, we are getting along good and I have pretty much eleminated all LB, but she admits that she thinks she came back to soon and her feelings arent changing and that her IC isnt working.

She does have a friend that is going through the same thing and they have been spending alot of time together. I dont know if this has her questioning us again or what, kind of like the saying (misery loves company)

Last week she told me that she plans on moving out this summer and living with her mom. Im trying to not let this affect my progress but it is hard but I will keep my nose to the grind stone.

Finally got the books I ordered, time to start reading!

Thanks to all that have responded.
WEIT,

Thanks for the update WEIT, I have been reading your thread from the beginning. Sounds like your wife is in the fog of a WS and I would be watching her for a possible A. She may tell you that she used him or that there were no feelings on her part, etc, but that is typical WS babble.

The important things here are: she is still at home. Watch everything she does and do your best to break up any inappropriate contact between her and other men, but it must be done behind the scenes. In other words, confronting her and yelling at her, making demands, etc will get you nowhere!! Checking emails, cell phone records, etc without her knowing is best. If she does catch you or find out, apologize, and say "It just hurts me to see you reaching out to other men when I want to be the only man you need." That sort of thing. Then do it again.

The next thing to your advantage is your willingness to recognize your faults, and fix them. You are controlling what you can in your life...YOU! The longer you do this, the more she will believe that your changes are permanent and not just "lip service." There were a lot of years of neglectful behavior on your part, probably because you were so young. So, forgive yourself of those things, be proud for standing up for your family, and keep on improving yourself.

You have a long way until summer to show her your changes and be there for her. But, the first order of business is to snoop and find out exactly what she is up to, if anything. Plan fun nights together ahead of time so that she doesn't have time to go out to bars or be with friends that hurt the M. You have a lot more contol over this situation than you think. And you are putting a lot of work into yourself and being the BEST H you can be, and I admire you so much for that!!

Good luck and hang in there!

Thanks for your kind words and support, I really need it.

I am still watching closely because somthing doesnt feel right.

I have read your story to and I really hope she has her "epiphany" also before she decides to leave again.

I am not giving up hope and have no expectations.

I still have a long way to go before I can forgive myself of the things I have done. It would be unfair to her to have to deal with everything for so long and me be over it in just a couple months.

Like I said before, I am very open to suggestions.

So keep us in your prayers.

WEIT