I'm new here. So to introduce myself: My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We're both 37 and we have 3 kids ages 8,5,18mo. I'm a SAHM and my husband works nights, sleep days. We sometimes have a hard time "getting together". So,he's always been into porn, and it's ok with me. (I know, I know, some say it's not good.) I said that as long as he still "keeps it at home", no big deal.

But, we have temporarily relocated to a much larger city for 6 months. Ever since we got here he talks all the time about all the swingers here, and even told me in detail about a sex club where you can go and watch/participate. I guess you could call me naive since I didn't really think much about it. I figured it was just work talk.

Well, today I was digging around in his laptop when I came across a hidden e-mail account and hidden password protected files. I managed to (somehow) get into his e-mail and found all sorts of groups that he belongs to about swinging, etc. He even created his own yahoo group! Again I thought not TOO bad. But then I found an e-mail he sent that said something like,"thanks for the good time on Friday. You 2 were amazing..." and mentioned the name of the sex club. I thought about copying the e-mail but do you think I could get back in again?? When he went to work tonight, I was shaking and couldn't even look at him. I don't know if he suspected something since he took his laptop to work which he NEVER does.

Since he works nights and sleeps days, as far as I know he never goes anywhere. But, the date mentioned on the e-mail was a day he was supposed to be working.
Now I'm totally freaking out. I have no family, no friends, no money (of my own). I don't know what to do. I don't have anybody.
Should I confront him? If I do, I have no idea what to say. I don't know what to do....
I keep thinking maybe I'll just pretend this didn't happen. I REALLY don't want to get divorced!
THANKS FOR ANY ADVICE!

Welcome to MB, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but there are great folks and great advice to help you.
First take a deep breath and try to calm down so you can think.

If you can get back into the emails I would definately copy or save to disk whatever you find.

When your H talks about the sex clubs what has been your response to him? Has he suggested in a round about way that you 2 go? How do you feel about that?

Why do you think him joining swinging groups or any 'sex' type groups online is ok? My experience if they are talking about it to you, they are seeing how you react to their 'secret desire' and if you are willing to participate. Is that something that would appeal to you? I take it NOT since you posted here. Have you told him it isn't something you're interested in? What was his reaction?

I just wonder if this is something he's kept hidden, fantasy type thing, and now with internet EVERYTHING is so easily available it's feeding his fantasy.

How is your M? Are you happy? Is he happy? Is your M stable, equal?

Do you have family & friends back home? Can you call them or visit?

Pretending this didn't happen may work for you, may not. IMO you're just putting off facing the situation.

You say you REALLY don't want to get divorced...is that because you are a SAHM? or you really love your H? Or you don't want to rock the boat? or?????

I'm a relatively newbie here myself so you may want to wait for a more experienced MBer to offer some advice. But those are the questions I would ask of you and for you to think about.

Welcome,
Sorry you find yourself here, but it is the best place to be given your situation.

From reading your post, I think your Subject line is misleading. It sounds like you got confirmation in an e-mail that your H went to a sex club and had some involvement with two people there. This is more than an "online infidelity". I suggest you go to the infidelity general questions portion and post there. You need help from the pros that tend to stay on that message board.

Get that laptop and see if you can print out what you found. Chances are, since he took it to work with him that he will try to dump everything. But there are ways of retrieving what he dumped.

Please stay with us here as there are some smart people who can help you through this. Please don't ignore it, it is too big for you to ignore. You came here for help and you can get help here. Help for both you and for your marriage.
I'll be thinking of you and your children this holiday.

My WS has been having an EA for 2-3 months, (according to him) I just found out, D-day 12/17/07. I am trying to follow plan A, am finding it so difficult around the holidays as he sends her cookies and in discussing whether we are exchanging gifts it turns out as of today he hadn't gotten me anything!!!
You seem to have been in this same situation...any advice??
His 3 kids are home for the holidays, my 2 shuttle between their dad and my house, the whole situation is making my head explode and if one more person wishes me a merry christmas I think i will shoot them.!!

MVG,
First of all, thanks for taking time to reply to my post!Last night was tough, and then my husband came home early this morning. He didn't go right to bed so I figured he was up to aomething. When I got up the laptop was still in his bag, which is also something he has never done.

I took out the laptop and tried to get the history or anything, but he had dumped everything. The e-mail is a yahoo account but he had it hidden in outlook. It's completely gone from there now. I went to yahoo and tried to log on from there with no success. I have no idea how I did it yesterday. I was so stupid yesterday! UGH!

When he talked about the sex clubs last time, (he talks about that sort of stuff A LOT!)I asked him how he knew so much, and he just shrugged it off. He has totally suggested that we go in a very blunt way. He has even asked me repeatedly when we can bring another woman into our relationship. I've told him I'm not into that over and over. But he still contiues to bring it up.

I guess I thought that joining swinging groups or any 'sex' type groups online is ok because, as I said before, as long as he keeps it at home, no big deal. (Naive I know!)

My marriage is good, and I'm happy most of the time. I don't know if he's happy. We really don't see each other as much as other couples might. (He keeps his sleep schedule even when he's not working. And lately he's been sleeping even more on his days off. Up to 12-14 hours.)I THINK our marriage is stable. We fight sometimes about the usual: kids, money. But we are able to work it out and move on. Now, I feel like I don't even know who he is.

I don't have family & friends back home. I'm pretty much on my own
.
I guess I said I don't want to get divorced for several reasons. Some of my daughter's friends' parents are either recently divorced or in the process, and I've seen what it's doing to the kids. I don't want to do that to my kids.

Secondly, I DO LOVE him TONS and I don't want to loose him. We have a pretty good marriage overall. And you're right, I can't deny that it's also somewhat because I'm a SAHM. I could never make the kind of money that he does. I could never afford my kids! (Oh my GOD! I'm freaking out again!)?????

Relax! Its hard, I know, but you're jumping to conclusions that aren't true, envisioning the worst and trying to make a decision based on things that haven't, and probably never will, happen.

First, you need to find out the truth. You know enough right now to confront your H if you wish, however, I suspect that this is going to cause him to throw up a smoke screen of lies that will make the truth harder to find and it will take much longer to get it. I would suggest purchasing a stealthy keylogger and installing it on his laptop so you can find out what is really going on.

You now KNOW there is a huge problem in your M, that your husbands porn viewing has crossed the line into infidelity and that there has almost certainly been a physical affair. YOU KNOW THIS.

I would suggest confronting your H without giving away what you know or how you know it. Tell him you are concerned about your M and want to take some steps now to make things better between you. Begin Plan A, find out what needs of his you aren't meeting and take steps to meet them. Also do whatever you can to find out the truth.

HOWEVER, since it seems very likely that he has engaged in sexual activity outside the marriage, I would caution you to NOT have sex with him until you both have STD screenings! If he's hanging out with swingers then this is a very real concern you should have. Terrible to think about, but I learned this the hard way and would hate to see you do the same.

Lake53,
You're right. I guess I wasn't thinking very clearly when I wrote my post last night. I will go post over in General.
You probably saw my other post to MVG, and you were right. He did dump everything. So he must know what I did. I can't figure out what his password is, so I'm out of luck.
I don't know how to act around him, it's like there's a stranger in his skin. I have until tonight to try to figure out what to say. He might not say anything and wait until his day off. Or knowing him, he's waiting for me to bring it up.
Thanks for the advice Lake, I will stay as long as I can.

Oh maggiejo,
I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I wish I had some something to say, but I don't. My head is still spinning from all I know.
The kids were watching some Christmas cartoon this morning and I remember thinking, "Oh GOD! Tuesday is CHRISTMAS!" So I know what you mean about the violent thoughts!
Wish I had more to offer. Maybe we can figure this out together! Good Luck!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Tyk,
You're right about jumping to conclusions. I was thinking that myself last night after I went to bed. But the fact that everything has disappeared from his computer today tells me that he knows that I know and something huge is going on.

I don't know if the keyfinder is going to work for me. Since he is such a computer guy (that's what he does for a living) with my luck he would figure it out and make things worse.

I read Plan A, but I'm not really too clear about how to put that into play. My situation is so weird, it's not like he has a regular lover (that I know of) besides the computer.

I'm afraid that if I ask him how to meet his needs, he will ask me again to swing with him. I REALLY don't want to do that. (And, I wonder how can anyone do that, and stay married???) But, as I keep saying, I don't want to get divorced either...

Anyway, thanks again Tyk!

Dorymor,

How's it going? Just read your thread here but will look for your other posts if there are any others on a different forum.

In the meantime, my sig line has my strange story, decades of detachment, 3 month EA and subsequent false recoveries.

Hope you are getting the help you are need....like Tyk and mvg, I am relatively new. They have both learned alot quickly and seem to offer you solid advice. Lake has much more experience and success and will offer good ideas as she has already.

Keep posting, Dory and I will keep looking for your posts. Did you start another thread? If so, ignore my response on this one. (Somehow, your name sounds familiar.)


Best wishes.
Ace