I have seen it stated many times that the average time frame or an affair is 2 years. I have a question about that. My WH has been having an affair for at least 2 years. It has been on and off through those years.

The ENTIRE time he was living at home and of course denying everything. Just recently WH moved out saying he wants a divorce. So now the affair I am sure is hot and heavy because he does not have his family to interfere.

My question is, do the last 2 years of his affair count or should I be looking at 2 MORE years of my WH having an affair?

I know the time frame is just an average number, but do you think I am looking at 2 more years until the affair dies...IF it dies?

Not sure what you base your 'affairs last an avg. or 2 years' estimate on but as I understand it, the affair could last forever if it is not challenged. Eventually, it will kill what's left of your M if left unattended.

I've heard that it takes an average of 2 years to recover from an affair with alot of hard work on the part of both parties, even longer if there were multiple false recoveries and numerous years of secrecy.

I see you registered in 2005. Could you please link/repost your previous story to this thread so that I (and other more experienced posters) can see what work you have been doing to end the affair and begin recovery.

Ace

Ace - everything that I have read says affairs usually last an average of 2 years before they fizzle out and die. I happen to agree with your statement, the affair could last forever if not challenged.

My situation is sort of listed in mimi_heres posted title zorro94. My WH has been having a long term affair for at least 2 years now. He was living at home denying and I believed him for a long time. He just recently, Nov. 8, moved out stating he wants a divorce.

I have been trying to Plan A until after the holidays, and then Plan B, but I am finding it very dificult right now.

I saw the first picture of my WH and his OW this week so reality is slapping me hard in the face that maybe my marriage can't be restored. His affair has gone on for so long I just don't know what I am doing!

I am struggling right now so any advice is appreciated!

Zorro,

I too grapple with this question. I am on my way out to Plan A my H because I want to. It's something that I have decided to change about myself.

I will look in on you later to make sure you are ok. You are in the best hands on here and if Mimi is helping you, gosh you are blessed. She is helping me and it's really working in many ways.

My WH moved out on D-day and has lived with OW from just about that day on. It's an unbelievable story, one that absolutely seems completely hopeless. But G-d's will and desire for me to is stand for my M. So here I am it's freezing, maybe raining and I am hoping to possible have hubby know that I was at his game. I have FAITH and TRUST that G-d will find a way to reach my H b/c it's his will to have us married.

I need to think about what I want to say because time is a definite issue, but I have learned there is so much more to this process and what is happening.

Take care,
Bracha

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Zorro}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I can encourage you, but like I said, many more experienced posters can/will help you with specifics. Mimi is one of the best but I'm sure others will offer suggestions soon. Hang in there during this sloooooow holiday weekend.

Ace

Most affairs fizzle at about 6 months. Most of the rest fizzle by about 2 years.

Dr. Harley recommends 2 years of Plan B to give adequate fizzle-time to an A during its "reality stage".

The other day on PBS they did a special about love, and said essentially that the euphoric feeling for couples lasts about 2 years, after which it morphs into a more tranquil experience, with lots of deep love, bonding, etc.

This makes sense with what Dr. H says, because the A-couple has no deep anything to fall back on after 2 years, so when the goody goody feelings die, so does the A. (Almost always.)

Also, your WH's A has needed you in order to last so long. Taking yourself out of it will leave it on even shakier ground than it already is.

Skinsgal and Ace - Thank you! Sometimes I hold out little hope that my marriage will be rstored. I guess it is just because of the holidays. I was doing a great Plan A and then the picture just hit me very hard.

I would still like to do Plan B after the holidays so I KNOW that I have to go dark on a high note with my WH. It is just hard.

Quite honestly Plan B scares me, always has. Sometimes I think that out of sight out of mind will win out and my WH will not miss me or want to come back. Guess that is the chance I will have to take.

Plan B is about saving MYSELF, right?

Skinsgal - You are doing a GREAT Plan A.

I still wonder if I am looking at an ADDITIONAL 2 years of affair land. And do Long Term Affairs run the same course as other affairs?

Neak - Thank you - what you just said makes sense to me..My WH affair has needed ME in order to last this long. So when I go into Plan B and take myself OUT of the equation then hopefully the affair will not be so mysterious and will die.

I would like to believe that. I guess like everyone else who is in the situation, I often wonder if my WH and his OW will remain together forever.

Z94,

The two years is not the average time an affair lasts, but is statistically the time most affairs last. Or stated another way, the majority of affairs end within two years.

This does not mean all of them last two years or even that all of them end, merely that the typical one is over within the two year time frame.

The number of affairs that last beyond two years is statistically pretty small, but observations about those are pretty much unreliable and inaccurate because they are so few in number. So very little can be said about how long those that go beyond two years last.

An average number, BTW, would have little or no meaning as it applies to affairs. Since a two year average could be derived from a ONS and one that lasts four years or 50 ONS and one that lasts 100 years. So it isn't an average we are looking at, but a typical time frame. I haven't seen his actual research but assume that Dr H and others that use the two year number mean either the 1, 2 or 3 sigma points on a Gaussian distribution (bell curve), which would be between 90 and 99.7% of all affairs. Statistical outliers could exist that would last indefinitely, so anything outside of typical is hard to get a handle on. I base these assumption on the fact that this 2 year time frame is usually associated with the terms typical and most.

And that number is where the idea of waiting up to two years after separation (Plan B) comes from. If the affair hasn't ended after two years it is pretty much a statistical anomaly which means it becomes very difficult to identify which ones are ready to end any day or will result in a lifelong relationship therefore never really ending. MIL has one of these BTW. She has been married to her affair partner now for around 40 years.

And what you are thinking is perhaps true to a greater extent than you might imagine. You WH has been having the best of both worlds. He has had you for domestic support and all the other things he needs in order to simply live and survive. He has no concept of having to do without his ENs being met because two women have been competing to meet them. With Plan B comes a chance for him to experience what life without YOU will be like. If your Plan A has been stellar, he will get a rapid and relevant dose of reality. Even if your Plan A has been marginal, he will experience withdrawal from you and if OW can't provide what he needs for comfort, the days are counting down.

The affair either ends with a bang or fizzles out slowly over a longer period. All of this assumes it is a typical affair, which almost all of them are with very few exceptions.

Mark

Many affairs, both known and unknown, bring great stability into a troubled marriage by providing a source of EN's for the "unhappy" partner. Much like a very stable three legged stool, these relationships can go on for years. When one member of the trio says " I want out", the stool topples quickly. Hence the unbelievable power of a PROPER Plan B.

Mark - Thank you, that was very enlightening.

Cymanca - a PROPER Plan B is what I need to do. I WANT to do a GREAT Plan A right now during the holidays, but am struggling to do that. Right now I don't want to have anything to do with WH. I want to ignore him, but since I am in Plan A (I guess) I want to go into Plan B with him MISSING me.

I KNOW I need to be the one to pull out of this trio. It's just scary, even though right now I don't even WANT to see him. I guess I need to gear myself up for Christmas and make it a memorable experience for all, then when I go into Plan B after the holidays hopefully WH will eventually MISS me and our family.

I think I KNOW the right things to do, it's just a matter of DOING them!

I can't even tell you how unbelievable all of this is to me. I thought we had a great marriage?

Can you tell I am all over the place today?!?

Zorro,

Do you have a thread that I can read up on your whole sitch?

You are SO not alone in your thoughts or feelings. I SUFFER from the same thing. When this broke I did a marginal Plan A, but didn't have focus or really know what I was doing. I think that's why my M hasn't been restored yet. Then I went into a semi-Plan B. Bad idea... I was out of sight and out of mind, I worried too. I am coming to understand that we are doing baby steps of a way bigger picture and we need to keep our focus on the finishing line and not the steps themselves, or we will be stuck over and over again. Which I tend to get alot.

When I deal with my WH, is absolutely drains me to where I don't want to do it anymore. He is hurtful, mean, selfish, self-righteous, self entitled and unpredictable. Or rather the predictable is that the WH is all this and will do anything to hurt me. As my wise rabbi said, WH is like a fire breathing dragon spewing his fire at me. I am the enemy.

I have to remember that at all times, and somehow NOT take this personally. Remember they are in an active addiction. Their drug is all they think about and want. And they will do ANYTHING to get it. ANYTHING. Getting this and the fact that they are aliens and monsters into our head is absolutely paramount for our recovery.

I say the same words, how unbelievable this is, etc. But that's just Satan putting doubt into our hearts. TRUST G-D, he wants our marriages. We just have to be willing to be one of his warriors and fight the fight. It can't be easy for us, then G-d wouldn't be able to get all the glory of creating such a wonderful miracle. WE have to walk in FAITH and COMPLETE TRUST that G-d is working out for the good on the other side of the street. We just don't know what it is.

For me, when I am at my lowest or saddest, etc. I go to G-d and ask for help, and then I come here and read all the wisdom. This is a safe place for us and a place that will keep us on track.

In my thoughts and prayers,
Bracha

Hi there

My WH left one year ago,Dec 06.We are married 21 yrs.Tried plan A, but eventually started plan B,Oct.Its scary but a necessary step in the right direction,we have no other choice but to file for divorce!

I have failed to stay completely dark as we have kids.I battle not to ask them questions when they come back from being with WH.My addiction is to know whats going on in their world!.I have to be STRONG and SWITCH OFF thoughts of them.You learn a lot about your own character in this journey we've been forced to take.What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!

Have faith and what more can we lose,keep your dignity no matter what!

Mark is right - the average (is it mean or median, I always forget) will not be what most experience. I used to know the statistics, but it was something like 20% end immediately, another 30 percent within a year, 40 percent in less than 2 and just a couple of percent that go over 3 years.

But the point is, almost all DO end.

Here's what Harley's writes under this site's "Articles" area in response to an inquiry from C.H.:


Source (please read on): What are Plan A & B?

Resilient,

Thanks for that post. Where did you get the quote? Just curious - I have a few of Harley's books and haven't read that one. Anyway, nice to know the stats...

Hi Chai,

Here is the Source, which I had also placed at the bottom of my original post.

Source: What are Plan A & B? CLICK HERE