I'm new here. I also posted over in "JUST FOUND OUT" Someone suggested I post here too, so here goes..

So to introduce myself: My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We're both 37 and we have 3 kids ages 8,5,18mo. I'm a SAHM and my husband works nights, sleep days. We sometimes have a hard time "getting together". So,he's always been into porn, and it's ok with me. (I know, I know, some say it's not good.) I said that as long as he still "keeps it at home", no big deal.

But, we have temporarily relocated to a much larger city for 6 months. Ever since we got here he talks all the time about all the swingers here, and even told me in detail about a sex club where you can go and watch/participate. I guess you could call me naive since I didn't really think much about it. And then I basically brushed it off in conversation. Asking him how he knew, he didn't answer. I figured it was just work talk.

Well, yesterday I was digging around in his laptop when I came across a hidden e-mail account and hidden password protected files. I managed to (somehow) get into his e-mail and found all sorts of groups that he belongs to about swinging, etc. He even created his own yahoo group! Again I thought ok, whatever. But then I found an e-mail he sent that said something like,"thanks for the good time on Friday. You 2 were amazing..." and mentioned the name of the sex club. I thought about copying the e-mail but do you think I could get back in again?? When he went to work yesterday, I was shaking and couldn't even look at him. I don't know if he suspected something since he took his laptop to work which he NEVER does.

He came home early this morning, and when I got up the laptop was still in the bag, which he also never does. I got it out and tried to see the history,e-mail, or anything but he had dumped it all. So I guess I can assume he knows what I did. What in the world will I say to him when he gets up tonight???

For years I've thought in the back of my mind that he might be a sex addict. We even talked about it a couple of times, but he just laughed it off. Last year he was going to counseling, and I even asked him to talk to the Dr. about it. I don't know if he did or not.

The e-mail is yahoo, and I tried to log on at the website,but no luck. (It was hidden in outlook before, but now it's gone.) I was so stupid yesterday not to copy the e-mail! UGH!

Since he works nights and sleeps days, as far as I know he never goes anywhere. But, the date mentioned on the e-mail was a day he was supposed to be working.

Now I'm totally freaking out. I have no family, no friends, no money (of my own). I don't know what to do. I don't have anybody here or at home...

Should I confront him? If I do, I have no idea what to say. I don't know what to do....
I keep thinking maybe I'll just pretend this didn't happen. I REALLY don't want to get divorced! I love him and we have a pretty good marriage overall...
THANKS FOR ANY ADVICE!

Pretending it didn't happen isn't going to work, you know that.

Yes, I'd suggest confronting him, unless you feel you need more proof, which can be very useful in breaking through the wall of lies he's likely to throw up. If you need more proof, I'd take his laptop and install a keylogger on it while he's sleeping, that will give you all the info you need, although imo you know enough.

Try not to worry too much about money and all that. Those things will work themselves out one way or another, they have very little bearing on your marriage.

Protect yourself from STDs, you don't need a reminder of all this to haunt you for the rest of your life, or worse.


What do you want to happen?

TYK,
Thanks for the reply. I know what you're saying about confronting him, I have no idea what to say or even how I can look at him.

The money thing is a big one for me because if he left tomorrow, I would be on the street with my kids...

BTW, yesterday I created a new yahoo id alias to get into some of the groups that he's in. Somehow, it's been deleted as if it never existed. I'm assuming that he did that, although I don't know how. (He's a computer whiz so that sort of stuff comes easy. Whereas I barely get any of it.) And once I finally got into the clubs again with another new id, he has disappeared from them.

So if I confront him, I don't really have a reference point anymore. He can deny everything.

What do I want to happen? Good question. I guess the obvious answer for me is for this to never have happened, that's why I said maybe I should just pretend it never happened. I really don't want to loose him. I want him to stay in this marriage and stop...

dorymor:

Whether you realize it or not, you have just done the equivalent of walking in on your husband as he is shooting up a dose of heroin.

Now, he can hide the needle, but you know it was there. You saw it. And pretending that you didn't see it isn't going to make his problem go away.

OK, enough with the analogy. But you can't ignore this any more than you could ignore him doing drugs. Why? Because he's going from porn to online groups to sex clubs to swinging to....who knows what's next? Whatever it is, it could be harmful to your health (std's).

So be upfront with him. Tell him what you found. Don't pretend, because that isn't going to help your marriage. Chances are very good that your marriage won't end, but perhaps the deception will.

I recommend counseling to help you deal with this. I also recommend that you familiarize yourself with your finances, SAHM or not. BTW, sex clubs are not free, neither are porn site memberships. Don't you wonder how much $ is going to feed your husband's addiction?

Take care.

PK

He can't deny anything! This isn't a court of law, you don't have to have a notarized document proving what you've seen for it to be true!

Its also not true that if he left tomorrow you'd be out on the street. It doesn't work that way. If he left, you'd be living in your house, without him there. Big difference. Courts do not look kindly upon men that abandon thier families and leave thier wives destitute.

You can cross that bridge when and if you come to it, for now, you need to get a handle on what has actually happened and begin taking steps to protect yourself from his behavior and kill the affair. That involves confronting him, finding the truth, exposing the affairs to anyone that can help, and not engaging in any lovebusting behavior.

Be prepared for your H to react very angrily to you confronting him. If he is prone to violence you may want to do this in a public place. Also be prepared for him to tell the most outrageous lies. Do not doubt your own senses, I did this much to my detriment. If I had acted from what I knew in my heart to be true from the beginning, I would have saved myself months of pain.

Also, whatever you do, do not leave your house, or your kids. I doubt you would do that, but if he asks you to leave, calmly explain that that is NOT EVER going to happen. If he wants to leave, that's his perogative.

Walking the Field gave me the following advice when I was trying to retrieve messages that my FWH had dumped. They had been in microsoft outlook when he dumped them. I used this and did get to retrieve some of the messages. If you don't understand it, you may want to change your subject line to "help retrieving messages from H's laptop"

Good luck and keep posting.






Close Microsoft Outlook.

This registry "hack" works in all version from Outlook 98 and up.

Start the registry editor (regedit.exe).

Go to the follwing key in the registry.

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Exchange\Client\Options

On the edit menu, click add value and the following registry value: Value name: DumpsterAlwaysOn Type: DWORD Set the data value to 1.

exit the registry editor.

This should allow you to recover deleted items that no longer reside in "deleted items"

Restart microsoft outlook.

To use the newly enable recovery feature: Go to the directory they were stored in: (inbox, etc...) Select the Tools menu. Select Recover Deleted items, a new dialog box will appear and recently deleted items for that folder will magically appear, If you want the buttons will give you the option to recover them. This will work in ALL folders.

Good Luck!

--------------------
WTF

*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.

dory

I'm so sorry that you have to be here. I'm sure your head is spinning. First thing is try to remain calm. And let's see what you need to do.

Your eyes didn''t deceive you. You saw what you saw. Do you feel YOU need more to confirm his infidelity? That's up to you. Check my sig line for a link to snooping. It's called Spying 101. You'll get alot of ideas there to help.

If you confront your WH at this point be prepared.

If he's not ready to confess, he will deny it and LIE TO YOUR FACE! He will look straight into your eyes and not blink. Don't believe him.

He will be VERY upset about being caught, but he will turn this around to make YOU feel bad for finding this out. He may even say he can't believe you did this to him and how can he ever trust you again, blah, blah, blah. Remain calm. He's not fooling you. You know what you saw. He will probably ask you to prove it. Again, stay calm. You know. He knows. Why should you prove to him something that he knows he's doing. It makes no sense.

If he's ready to confess to it, expect lots of versions of what actually is happening. Unfortunately, WS don't understand that the truth upfront is MUCH BETTER than lying over and over again which in turns causes the BS to have multiple DDays. They rarely tell the truth right off. Expect more lies that diminish the severity of his cheating. He'll try to protect you from further harm and also from making him look as bad as he really is.


As TYK said, don't leave your house, if he wants to, that's his choice. You should tell him that you want to work on the M, but things must stop now. Try not to yell and scream. I know...it's very hard. Stay calm. Think about your goal. Calling him names and yelling won't help you in the long run. Be dignified (as best you can). I know it's hard.


So basically, if you're ready to confront, expect one of two things:

1. He will confess at being caught, but all truths will not come immediately. Expect more. Don't believe everything he tells you. Half will be lies.

2. He will deny it. He will be very angry. He will even want to leave (to carry on with this infidelity). He'll say he wants some time to figure things out. That's typical. And he will go further underground to hide this. It'll be harder to get more info after this.


Dory let us know what your plan is...snoop more or confront now. We can help either way.

I would just add, don't make ultimatums at this point.

If you want to recover your M, you can say so. "I believe in our M, and want this to work. But I am not willing to be in a M with more than 2 people...you and me."

Contrast that with the ultimatum: "If you won't stop this right now, I am divorcing you."

Answer #1 leaves all your options open. He may even leave when you confront him. That's ok, and doesn't mean hope is gone. You are much stronger than you realize, and you WILL get through this.

dory,

you could always put a GPS hidden in his vehicle and retrieve it later, find out where he went

put a hidden voice recorder in his vehicle, find out who he talks to when he is in the car

check his cell phone records

if he is a computer whiz, he might have caught you with a keylogger program......so use the public library to track his computer stuff - google his email or usernames you think he might like to use, or if you remember the email or usernames of the girls

check the Spying 101 thread here

And, during you regular WH wallet search, look for Phone Cards.

Jo

dory:

Verizon makes a cell phone that is GPS enabled, how about one for Christmas?

Even if you do that, you need to set the bar for your marriage. Are you interested in a relationship where he is sneaking and hiding behavior behind your back? Most wayward spouses will stop this when they have the light of day shone on it, unless it is truly an addiction. Does he have any other addictive tendencies?

Hey Dory,

How's it going? Saw your thread and posted on the Just Found Out forum and then found this thread.

What have you decided/found? You've got some of the best MB Vets advising you here so I hope you'll continue to post.

I don't have alot to add but I'll be praying for you.

Ace