John 8:1-11

Neak, sorry for the tone, people like TYK, piss me off when they think they've got me figured out. Anyway, I appreciate your words. If you go back and read some of my earlier responses, I stated that I am commited to staying off Stage for a long time, untile 2 things happen, A) my wife says it's time to do it, and B) my heart is in the right place.
I have only contacted the OW once, with my wife by my side, by email...to ask for forgiveness for the role I played in her life. I just wrote her the one time, I have zero connection to anybody from that time. None of them are worth anything to my life and my marriage as it is now.


TYK...I have nothing else to say to you. Do not post to me again. I don't care about you or your opinions. You're an idiot if you think you can know anything about me. Go on with your hurts and your issues. Don't post to me again.

Thought so.

:P

TYK, listen dude....I didn't mean that...alright? Here, can you make a deal with me? I think you have something to say, and I should probably hear it, but come on man, get to know me a little, don't just start in with things you don't know. Start with what you do...know who I am...can you do that?

Afterwake816, there is something that you may not understand about the members on this board...especially those who have been here a long time.

We have seen many, many stories; and, as a result, have finely tuned BS detectors.

Now, you may NOT be BSing us, but your posts SOUND very much like those of previous WS posters (Dadto3boys comes to mind) who talked a good game...but then relapsed back into having affairs. Some WS appear to be remorseful just long enough to make sure their BS isn't going to leave or file for divorce. One clue in your posts is the defensiveness. Another is the way your first post implied that you were led astray by the pastor and his daughter.

Lose the defensiveness, and pay attention to the good advice you are getting instead of blustering around and being indignant over being given a hard time.

We want to be sure that you are sincere. So far, your test score on sincerity doesn't seem to be too high. Right now, your feelings are not the priority. Your wife's feelings are.

AW,

I was married to a professional musician for 16+ years.

He, as many do, had an excessive over-the-top need for admiration. I would say it was second to his love of music. So he was in the biz more for getting that admiration need met than anything else.

So I pose this question to you: Have you seriously asked yourself "Will admiration from a single person, my spouse, ever be enough"?

Jo

Okay, I get what you're saying. That's fine...you can test me all you want. The reason I came in defensive, was because there were alot of people railroading my wife on her post, and I felt it was unfair to her the way she was being treated. I wasn't even a part of this until she told me how frustrated and disapointed she was with this message board, so I came on to tell some more of the story, and also see what she was experiencing, and so far she was right.

Rresilient, fantastic question. That's what I'm here for...to be challenged this way.

I have recognized my need for the stage as a problem. I think if I were to embrace it, and say, this is who I am...This is what I need...then my wife wouldn't be enough for me, as was the case for a long time. But since I've recognized it as an issue, I've begun to seek help for this mindset. It's a struggle, but I truly believe that God can heal my life and my marriage, as well as the things that were lacking in me from childhood...

AW

I've got thicker skin than that. I am not judging you, nor am I attempting to insult you, I am commenting on what I do know of you, the sum of which is contained in this thread and your BW's thread. How can I know more than that? You may feel its insufficient knowledge to make the statements I made to you, right now, I disagree, but I would not discount the idea that I am wrong. Tell me how I'm wrong. I most certainly do not believe I have you "all figured out". That is far beyond my ability.

Discuss with me the last post of substance I made to you if you will. Or wait for someone to bring up a more palatable line of inquiry if you prefer.

If you want to know more of me and where I'm coming from (and I'm not saying you do, or should), I have two posts about my situ. and why I came to this site linked in my signature, you can judge for yourself if my perspective is worth considering. The thing is, if you're wanting to fix your marriage, then you want my perspective, and the perspective of others that have been successful (or are succeeding) in recovering thier marriages, because you said you want that too, right?

Based on your answer, I'm just going to cut right to the chase. I'll let others try and guide you there, if they're willing and you'll listen.

You need to quit the biz altogether for good. You have to pick. Your marriage and family, or the biz. There isn't a compromise, AW. A compromise will destroy your wife and your family because you're addicted to being admired in an inappropriate way, by inappropriate people.

You are responsible for protecting yourself and your marriage from interlopers and being vunerable to adultery. Step one is to never have contact again, and for you that means you pick your stage career or your marriage.

God Bless,
Jo

TYK, yeah dude, I want that...I wouldn't be here if I didn't want that...However I don't believe that everyone here is here for the right reasons and for the good of all marriages. I can't beleive that because someone told my wife to take my kids away from me. They told her she needed to divorce me and never trust me again. That's not marriage building material...that's destructive in it's very nature. Divorce is not pro-marriage. So, I cannot just Listen up and take everything that's thrown my way...I have to weed through it, and yeah...I'm going to be a hardass at first, because I need to know this is real....Dude, there are so many things I want to talk about...but it's gotta be right. I can't throw myself out to something that's going to lead me wrong.

Dude, I confessed my sin to my Church, because my parents were there, and alot of people that knew me from that time in my life, and they all needed to hear the truth. During the A, I made my wife out to be the bad guy....So, I needed to let everyone know all at once, that she was a gift from God, and that I was the bad guy.

Maybe I misspoke when I said 4 suicide attempts. I went to her 3 times saying I need help...suicide is on my mind. I was drunk and high at the time. The fourth time...I really did try to kill myself, but I didn't take enough hydro, and all it did was make me panic, and I went crazy for about 2 hours, then I passed out for alot of hours. That's my story....

Resilient, Nah, I don't agree with that. I see where you're coming from, but you're taking the power out of God's hands. If what you're saying is true, than God would be incapable of creating something greater in my marriage. See, my wife sings too, and she and I want to get to a place where we can do that together...it's always been a part of our lives, and it's not all bad. It can and will be a good thing. Thanks.

Uh huh, and we see how well YOU handled it. Nope, not bad at all. Such a REAL GOOD thing, AW (or DUDE). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I see you've come here for a quick fix (bandaide) to remedy a severe cancerous problem. So I will bow out because its a waste of my valuable time.

Jo

Just a quick note to your wife: Please think seriously about what I've recomended to your WH regarding quitting. I think you know he hasn't the fortitude or the maturity to fight his addiction. For leverage, you can make it one of your negotiation points for recovery.

Not all advice is equal, I'll give you that. I think its very rare that people are here with malicious intent. I do believe that not all marriages are worth saving, surely you agree with that too?

Recovering from infidelity is a process, just as building a good marriage is a process. There is no quick fix, there is nothing you can do or say that is going to make this right RIGHT NOW. Your poor decisions, your betrayals and lies, they took a toll on your M, your W, and your kids. You have to atone for that, not just before god, not even imo primarily before god, but primarily to your W.

That process starts with you truly owning the A, taking complete responsibility for it. There's no sharing of responsibility with the OW, or OW's family or your family.

It also includes complete transparency, openness and radical honesty, accountability, a commitment to joint agreement in all things going forward, an agreement to NC to all parties of the A, the showing of sincere remorse, and the willingness to discover and meet each others primary emotional needs.

That in a nutshell is what you need to be willing and able to do to recover your marriage, IF your W WANTS TO. . That's where it starts.

As to your career as a musician: whether that comes again or not depends on whether or not your W agrees to it.

AW,

I posted this some time ago to someone else. I think it fits your situation as well.


I'm not saying you can never be back on stage because I know God's healing power and His ways of using our failures to make us stronger. I am saying that for the foreseeable future you should commit to staying out of the lime light all together. Avoiding adultery isn't just about overcoming temptation, it is also about protecting our vulnerabilities. Unless we admit to those vulnerabilities and guard against succumbing to them we are doomed. If I know I have a weakness, I must do everything in my power to prevent exposing that weakness in order to remain strong enough to overcome the temptations. Simply resisting isn't a good option because while strong and my marriage is doing well, I have no problem doing that. But when things are different...the kids are driving me nuts, the job is going crazy, my wife is sick or off visiting her mother in another state, I am being overworked by the church as well and nothing seems to be in it for me, my taker comes to the forefront and demands satisfaction.

When that happens, I am already in self justification mode, just like David was. He was supposed to be leading the army, but stayed home instead. He likely told God, "I'm the king. I have won enough battles, let someone else do it. I have been doing all of this for years for a people that don't show me any respect or even care about how I feel." By the time he saw Bathsheba, he was in full self justification mode and one more step wasn't very far to go.

That is why you can't even consider performing on stage for any time in the foreseeable future. It's like the old joke: "Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this..." and the doctor says..."Then don't do this..." If you know you have an issue with being on the stage...don't get on the stage.

So, my suggestion, and it is only my opinion, is that you step back from performing. Don't put "until" into it, just stop. It isn't that God can't or doesn't want to use your talents, it is merely a case of protecting your weakness. If God removes the weakness, He will tell you to go ahead. But be ready for the devil to tell you to go ahead long before God wants you to. As soon as you commit to stepping back from it, opportunities will come out of the woodwork.

Might I also recommend a book to you? Check out Toxic Faith by Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton.

Mark

Post deleted by fireblossom816

TYK, I hear you...and I agree with that. I think if there is a marriage where someone is being abused, or if the kids are being abused you know...that's a clear line...get away from that. I agree there.

I know that what I wrote previously sounds alot like me placing blame...I knew that when I posted it, but believe me...in real life...I have totally taken responsibility for my actions. It's been all on my shoulders, and I agree with that. That's what frustrated me in the beginning, because I didn't get to finish writing what I started to write...I had to take my kids out, so I just posted the story because I didn't want to lose what I had already written...but anyway, I knew that it sounded that way from reading iot. I have totally taken responsibility in real life. I have NC with her, the family, the church or anyone who was a part of my life at that time outside of family. EVERY person outside of family is no longer in my life. I had to cut all ties...wether they knew about the A or not, I became a ghost in their life. I was, and now I'm not. It was that fast and that brutal. I avoided hundreds of phone calls and text messages from the OW's family and friends on the day I disappeared lloking for an explanation, then I threw away my phone, phone numbers and all...bought a new one, and started clean. It had my family number, my wife's number, and my new jobs number. It was just like that. That day, before I left, I put a letter on the Pastors desk, saying, I cannot do this anymore, I have made some seriously bad choices in my life that I need to deal with. Do not attempt contact me, Do not look for me, I do not exist to you anymore. That letter I learned was dispersed throughout the group, and each person in their circle made an attempt to contact me, but that was it. We are totally commited to our life together. I left the OW's group without any promise or knowledge that my wife and kids would have me back. I believed that I had gone too far, and that she would never forgive me. I had to accept that, I deserved that. I didn't cut off all ties in some sort of redeeming show to her that I loved her more, I did it because it literally made me sick to know what I had done. I blazed a trail out of their lives, for my own safety and sanity. It wasn't until after all of that, that my wife said she would give me a chance to work things out. I cried because I never thought she would say that to me.
I guess I want you to know that, while some people think that I'm a narcissistic sociopath, I'm really not. I'm a good guy who made an extrememly bad series of choices and decisions. But while some guys get caught in their adultery and then have to cut off all ties because their wife makes them, or having to cut off all ties destroys their heart because they "love" that other person...it was totally opposite for me. I did it out of my own knowledge of good and evil. When it hit me, it was like the heaviest weight I've ever lifted. It crushed me, it made me sick, I was puking and dizzy, then I promised God that it was over, and that I was going to disappear from their lives that day...and I felt better. I had all kinds of resolve and determination, and I followed through, and it never bothered me. I have never looked back longingly or wishing I hadn't left. It was one of the best things I've ever done.

Mark, I have stopped. The stage is totally up to God and my wife. In fact I had an opportunity to play today, I was asked to do a song at a church in a nearby town. I told my wife about it, she said.."Do you want to do it?" I said..."No...not really..." so I didn't. When I was asked why I didn't want to do it, I said...because I'm not ready to do that again.

So, I've had opportunity, I've let the Spirit guide me, and He tells me no. I listen. My Wife is totally supportive of being in music again someday, but Man, Even if she said...OKay...go sing right now...I'd have to say no....cuz I just don't want to. I don't even want to do the karaoke at the Christmas party dude....

Peace....

AW, I don't think I've posted to you before, although I have posted to your wife. I've been on "the stage" most of my life too as my father was a pastor. I grew up singing and playing in front of the church, so I understand that part of it.

May I make a suggestion? While you're taking a break from "performing" why not do a study on "worship". You see, it wasn't until the last few years that I came to understand that "my" "music ministry" wasn't about ME at all. It was about Him. It's about praise and worship to Him. The minute that I allow my ego to become involved, I have ceased worshiping and begun performing. If you really have a heart for worship through music (and what a GREAT way to get closer to God!) then why not start studying for yourself about what true worship entails? Maybe this is an activity that you and your wife could do together as part of your healing. What a powerful team you would make if your hearts are joined together and looking up to Him in praise and worship.

FB,

If you'll look up RockSolid's thread, you'll find where I have a problem with deleted posts. I know this is my problem, and I'm asking for your help with it.

See, your FWH posted something on the previous page to Tyk that he seems to have reconsidered afterwards...he didn't delete it...he amended. I'm not judging him...it's in this way we grow solid.

If you deleted your post because you want to keep to two separate threads, I support your choice...hoping you just moved it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When couples are both posting on MB, separate threads are a great idea, IMO.

What you say matters...we learn from owning what we've said, knowing when we've said it and how. That's my take. And yes, I've felt mortified sometimes for doing so. I hold myself back from deleting it though...because pretending that something wasn't, which really was, made my life really difficult.

LA

AW: infidelity IS abusive behavior. Its abusive to your spouse, and to your children. It is grounds for divorce in the eyes of the law, and in the eyes of god if one is a believer (which it seems both of you are).

So realize that what you have said, and what you claim to believe both grant your BW the RIGHT to divorce you for no other reason than what you have done. She needs no more justification, no more incentive. If she said, "I'm done" there's not a person on this earth who would fault her for it, and many that would fully endorse her decision.

See, you're acting like she's SUPPOSED to endure your behavior, that you deserve another chance. That she should be assisting YOU in your recovery. That's a crock of ******. If you want your W to stay married to you, what are YOU going to do about it? What are you going to do FOR HER to show her you love her, to prove to her that you are never going to cheat on her again, to support her, to make her WANT to be with you? Those things are what need to happen, and if you don't do those things, she will divorce you. It might take her a while to figure it out, but it will happen, not just if you cheat again, but simply if you don't DO enough. The status quo right now for you equals divorce, I hope you realize that.