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My wife is/was an abuser, she placed the blame on everything but herself. She twisted reality to fit her version of the "truth" every time. Always blamed me for everything from the her own failures to the weather.
This guy's "story" fits the pattern I had come to know so well. My wife had spun the reality of her past to blame her father on all the "lies" that I would hear about her. She had an uncanny ability to make the outlandish things make sense.
His wife needs to hide and be afraid, and defiantely not trust a single word that comes from his mouth as he will twist her responses to place blame on her.
When it comes to spotting an abuser, I do have a little experience.
As everyone should know here, my wife tried to have me killed by OM to prevent exposure. That way she could tell a lie to make me out to be an abuser and the OM "rescued" her from harm. I would be gone, he would be in jail and she would be free to tell whatever story she deemed aplicable for the sympathy she felt she deserved.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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AW, I will put this here and on the other thread you started. I spoke with the **********edit*********this morning. They will be in touch with you regarding this matter.
As I told you last night, if your claims of your wife's abuse are correct, you should contact authorities regarding that today.
Last edited by Justuss; 01/05/08 11:07 PM.
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Hmmmm... OK I'm pretty sure I have not read your wife's thread but after reading your first message I will say that the major impression I got is that you do not take any responsibility for the choices you make and the circumstances you 'find' yourself in.
I find it incredible that your pastor coerced you into sleeping with his daughter and taking drugs!
And even if it is true that pastor put pressure on you to do so, there simply is NO EXCUSE whatsoever for you complying!
Your choices - you are an adult - take responsibility for them.
You are pretending to be a victim IMHO.
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"I stated that I am commited to staying off Stage for a long time, untile 2 things happen, A) my wife says it's time to do it, and B) my heart is in the right place."
Would you give up the stage altogether for the sake of yor marriage?
It's apparent that the stage,and the 'benefits' of being onstage, have an addictive hold on you.
Also, the stage is the situation you get yourself into that you are then too weak to resist temptation.
And future involvement with the stage may cause your wife a lot of worry and triggers.
It is advised to avoid all persons/places/things associated with the adultery, not just until the BS recovers enough to trust you again, but forever.
Many WS's make the false assumption that the changes needed for recovery, for the BS to regain trust, need only be temporary... My WXH didn't get it that becuase he had ONS's on business trips that he would have to give up work-related travel. He also grew resentful that he wasn't 'allowed' to take female coworkers out to lunch anymore, and to flirt at parties. He accused me of being unforgiving and of having a jealousy problem because I never 'got over' his cheating enough to let him resume those risky behaviors.
"I have only contacted the OW once, with my wife by my side, by email...to ask for forgiveness for the role I played in her life."
The purpose of a no contact letter to the OP is most definitely NOT to: "ask for forgiveness"!!!
From the BW perspective: OUCH!!!
What you needed to do was to inform the OW that what you did with her was wrong because it was harmful to your wife and marriage, that you love your wife and are committed to do all you can to repair the damage done to her, that you are seeking your wife's forgiveness, and that you want no further contact with the OW. The no conact letter has nothing to do with the feelings of the OP or about the WS seeking forgiveness from the OP.
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Quote:
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"I was NEVER a cop that would show up at a house for a domestic call and
automatically lock up the H. I got the story and then the appropriate
person got locked up."
You said to FB, "If I had been the cop out there, He would have been arrested...at a minimum"
You said that without knowing the whole story.
I tried to stop her from acting that way under my own authority, I never made it a legal situation, because I have always been afraid that sending her to jail would be too much for her to handle, and I would somehow damage her in the process. I have lived in an amount of fear toward her, because she has an extremely violent and explosive temper. Yes, I have been abused by her, and I have seen my kids treated miserably. I know right now, in this moment...in the pit of my stomach, that I should have done something sooner. I should have moved us to a safer place. It's crazy how she's taken on this persona of the abused all of a sudden. I have had to protect my children from her so many times, but dammit I was afraid to call the police. People have seen the marks on me, and have told me to call the police, but I never did, because I was afraid.
I am calm now, I hope you can see that in my words. I was in total panic mode earlier because in the opinion of me and the people around me, including her family, she is the one that needs help and she needs it quick. I do not trust her with my kids. She has admitted to suffering from Post Partem Depression, and she has stated some things about both of my kids that left me with a sick feeling in my stomach. I have employers from my past 3 jobs over the years, that know, and have witnessed me having to come in late to work, or miss entire days, or she'll call in the middle of the day with the kids screaming, and she's screaming at them, and I'll have to leave work to race home to get them away from her.
So yeah...that's the other side of it.
I have been angry at you. That's it, because you got yourself way too involved in my life. I don't know you or who you are, but you tried to come in and save the day, but you're wrong in doing that. You have no right to step into my life, and attempt to influence my wife. You're a sick man for that.
On Sunday, I pushed her. I have never hit my wife with open hand or closed fist. By hit I mean a swinging punch. Sunday was the first time I've ever done that, and it was unfair of me. I realize that. Listen, I have one picture of my grandmother who is dead. That one picture, was the one picture my grandfather had of my grandmother. He kept it til the day he died, and then my father gave it to me. It has the deepest of emotional attachment to me. It's all I have of her or him, and my wife grabbed it, and taunted me with it for several seconds, as I begged her not to rip it....then she did. She ripped it in two, and I lost it. All of that came out, so I pushed her....
How do you know where she is if you have not and will not talk to her?
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I am very curious about this statement.
Quote:
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I have never hit my wife with open hand or closed fist. By hit I mean a swinging punch.
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What does that mean? That is you don't wind up with a swing you don't consider it hitting?
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"I find it curious that in this thread he talks about FB as a gift from god, but in the thread about MEDC, he paints a grim picture of her being a psychotic, abusive harpy who has cowed him into a life of fear and shame.
The two polar opposite representations give weight to Tyk's analysis. Maybe he will prove us wrong though."
My WXH: serial adulterer (BTW all of his adulteries were my fault), craved attention/admiration from others, still fantasizing that someday he will be a famous musicion even though he's 54 years old (kids tell me he 'only' owns 7 guitars now)... described me in only extremes too.
He would either say I was a 'saint' and how proud he was of me... or he would call me foul names and tell people I was a hateful b..... Apparently, the real me, the mere mortal, simply didn't exist in his distorted perception.
Oh and whether or not I was extremely evil or saintly good in his opinion, was directly related to whether or not I was complying to his agenda.
This of course eventually made me wonder if any of the nice things he said to me really meant anything or were just manipulation. Eventually even our daughters caught on that their WF (Wayward Father) never gave compliments away for free... If he was suddenly acting nice to us he would pretty much reveal immediately what it was he wanted. And then if he didn't get what he wanted immediately he would just as suddenly switch back to acting mean. (Unfortunately two out of three daughters sometimes try that stunt with me... usually ends up with them getting very dramatic and hateful when I don't cave LOL)
AW: IMHO you should carefully read SchoolBus' posts to you again and again until it really sinks in. No doubt you've become accustomed to using certain tactics to get what you want and are feeling very frustrated because that sort of thing simply doesn't work here. MOST posters here are going to tell you things that a WS does not like to hear. Ironically, it is the anger and defensiveness that you express in response to what's posted that indicates you are still more in the WS menatality than in the FWS state of mind.
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AW - Please read what others have posted about whether or not you should return to the stage someday.
On the one hand you blame the circumstances you were in for your failure to resist temptation.
On the other hand you plan to return to the stage someday.
You can't have it both ways. If you fail to take full responsibility for BOTH putting yourself in that situation AND then sinfully responding to the temptation that exists there, how can you give your wife ANY assurance that you will not fail the same way again?
IMHO you need to avoid BOTH placing yourself in those tempting situations AND the temptations that arise in whatever situations you may find yourself in... for the rest of your life!
Your wife should not be expected to trust that you can handle what you have so clearly demonstrated is an area of extreme weakness for you.
AA doesn't tell alcoholics that once they've recovered it will be safe for them to start going to bars again... as long as they resist the temptation to drink once they get there.
It's not uncommon for a WS to try to avoid full responsibility for their choice to cheat and to resist making the PERMANENT changes need to repair the damage and prevent future cheating. It takes some WS's a long time, and several failures before they finally get it and really become a FWS.
From what I've read so far of your situation I htink it would be unwise for your BW to attempt recovery with you until you are more ready. And I'm not even factorign in the whole who is abusing whom thing. Just based on your own excuses when describing why you cheated and your resistance to changing the pro-cheating climate, IMHO you will most likely cheat again. You make excuses and then you refuse to totally eliminate the excuses... I have so seen that routine before and it always led to even more cheating.
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"On Sunday, I pushed her. I have never hit my wife with open hand or closed fist. By hit I mean a swinging punch. Sunday was the first time I've ever done that, and it was unfair of me. I realize that. Listen, I have one picture of my grandmother who is dead. That one picture, was the one picture my grandfather had of my grandmother. He kept it til the day he died, and then my father gave it to me. It has the deepest of emotional attachment to me. It's all I have of her or him, and my wife grabbed it, and taunted me with it for several seconds, as I begged her not to rip it....then she did. She ripped it in two, and I lost it. All of that came out, so I pushed her...."
It is fairly easy to have photos repaired these days.
Much easier than it is to repair the damage caused by adultery and physical abuse.
If you want your marriage to have even the slightest chance of recovery stop making excuses for your wrong choices, stop blaming other people or circumstances.
Also, if there is ANYONE you know who gives you sympathy for such behavior, or who tells you that physical violence was understandable in such a situation, STOP listening to them! Those sort of enablers and sympathizers are the enemy of your marriage (and of your sanity too BTW).
If your wife eally did taunt you and then rip that precious momento, she did soemtign wrong. BUT that still did not excuse your violent reaction. You still had a choice of different possible ways to RESPOND. You did not HAVE TO REACT in a violent way. I know this for a fact because there were times when my WXH destroyed objects that were important to me but I was still capable of responding in a non-violent way.
Again, you show a tendency to fail to take responsibility for your choices. You ALLOW yourself to react based on your emotional state rather than responding in an acceptable manner.
And dude, you are most definitely going to lose custody and maybe even visitation rights with your children if you don't learn how to control yourself. There are lots of warnings at this site telling BH's not to fall for it if the WW tries to taunt them into getting angry enough to react violently just so she can accuse him of abuse. No matter what your wife says or does, YOU are still 100% responsible for what you say and do. The sooner you accept that fact the better off you will be.
IMHO you should sign up for some anger management counseling ASAP. My WXH made the same mistake you are making, thinking if he explained the circumstances others would understand his use of violence. And some folks actualy did sympathize with him... his mommy, a couple of his sisters, the OW, etc. BUT the judge most certainly didn't! He ended up with a restraining order for a whole year, and then another half year of not being able to come near me without my permission because he was STILL stubbornly and angrily refusing to acknowledge I had a right to set safe boundaries. IF you take responsibility for what you did and sign yourself up for anger management the judge MAY go easier on you.
Last edited by meremortal; 01/03/08 10:27 AM.
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