<BR> posted August 17, 1999 12:07 PM <P> Well what an incredible story freedom but as you and i have talked through icq i knew<BR> most of it and know how low you have felt lately and it broke my heart as i am also in<BR> a quite similar situation here in my marriage.I have been married for 17 years to a guy<BR> who i would say is a good guy but i have felt something missing for several years now<BR> although could not quite put my finger on it,i told hubby on more than one occasion<BR> how i felt that i felt like more of brother and sister than spouses and didn't feel close to<BR> him the way i should,i to this day don't know if the problem was with me or with our<BR> relationship that i didn't have that close feeling.Well to skip ahead many years we<BR> bought this computer last summer which is where my stpry gets to.I was on icq talking<BR> to all kinds of men and women and there was this 1 particular guy i started talking to<BR> that we just clicked and i was a totally happy person when i was talking to him,we<BR> shared so many laughs together and he had opinions which is something my hubby<BR> didn't.This sounds rude but i would tell my hubby something i wanted him to do and he<BR> would jump to do it,kind of like the saying goes jump and they say how high!!!!!Well<BR> anyways after awhile talking on computer i wanted to hear this om's voice so i phoned<BR> him 1 day well this lead to daily calls for many months until i needed to meet him to see<BR> if he was like he seemed and we spent 3 days together which we had a wonderful time<BR> and i wanted to stay with him forever,i was depressed for over a week when i got<BR> home.Although i knew i was doing wrong i still did it as he makes me so happy,well<BR> hubby found out everything about 2 months ago and was of course devastated about<BR> it all and is trying hard now to be more attentive and caring but i ask myself why didn't<BR> he take me seriously years ago when i cried to him?We have gone to counselling but to<BR> tell you the truth i didnt get a lot out of it nor did he.I tried withdrawl but after a week<BR> i called om and i was so happy to talk to him again,he has not rushed me into anything<BR> and wants for me to only be happy with what ever i decide to do and does not want<BR> for me to leave my marriage to be with him but to leave my marriage only because i am<BR> not happy in it.He is single and lives 6 hours away from me,i have honestly never felt<BR> like this with hubby even in the start of our relationship and i am so confused,i hurt<BR> knowing how much hurti caused hubby and don't want to keep hurting him anymore but<BR> i also know i need to make a decision as i can't go on like this anymore it is unfair to<BR> myself,hubby or om.I don't know what to do but we just got home from a 10 day<BR> vacation as a family and i honestly don't know if i can see myself being happy and<BR> content staying in marriage.....i want to run far far away but i know obviouslt that will<BR> not fix anything,this has happened and now i have to deal with it,hubby did not<BR> deserve any of this as he never did me wrong intentionally it was just that he didn't<BR> take me seriously and told me he was asleep when i was crying out for him and he feels<BR> bad now but what do i do when i love someone else how can i get over him and love<BR> hubby the way he deserves to,i am scared that if i stay in marriage i will resent hubby<BR> down the line.......help..........anyone with icq????????? JANICE

Janice--<P>Been there, done that. I was an aol junkie. People who talked! Shared opinions! My 16 marriage was already on a downhill spiral; we were considering separation. I'd had it with unmet emotional needs. I talked with men on-line, talked to a few on the phone, and met a very few in person romantically. It's ADDICTIVE, these fantasy friends. And I know you won't believe me because you're wrapped up in all these wonderful, "new" feelings, but that's just what it is, a fantasy. One man in particular, I felt head-over-heels in love with...we connected SO strongly. So much in common, so intense. I thank God every day we talked ourselves OUT of meeting in person. It never would have worked.<P>When you share such deep confidences on-line and by phone, without really BEING with that person on a day-to-day basis, you do not know that person. You only know what that person has allowed you to see. And just like in courtship (but more two-dimensional), everyone is on their best behavior. What you end up with is LESS than an actual courtship, and fantasies are not meant to be real. If you could separate the chats and think of your short time with this man as a "fling," would you consider him forever material? I doubt it; you wouldn't have known him long enough to make such a decision.<P>My feelings for that special guy have receded back to what they are supposed to be--a smile in memory, nice thoughts, but KNOWING it would have been wrong...a terrible judgement call. Whew!<P>I do not think you'll blame your H later on down the road for any missed opportunity with a fantasy friend or an affair. Not if you do what you know you need to do--cease all contact in order to work on your marriage. If you don't, you will continue to feel confused. In the alternative, if you and your H DO decide to end your marriage, let it be for reasons unclouded by an affair. Settle one thing before moving on to another.<P>I hope I didn't come across too pushy. Just a sharing by one who's been there. <P>Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Well, been there done that too!!<P>I don't really know what to tell you. My friend lives 2000 miles away, so it's a bit more than six hours (driving, anyway) so getting together is very difficult, especially in our situations.<P>He's divorced now, has three kids, while I'm still in my marriage. I was separated with my H and decided to try to reconcile and we are now back together. (when we separated, it was within the same house, different bedrooms.)<P>My biggest problem, I guess, is that my H had affairs for many years, has done many things that have deeply hurt me, has been insensitive, and many other things. Yet now, finally, he is trying to be attentive, trying to be loving, trying to do the nice things (to some extent, anyway), and yet my feelings are not there. I feel cold. Like the love is no longer alive. I don't know what to do.<P>I do still have very strong feelings for my friend, who is now dating, by the way. He just started, and it's very difficult for me. That's because I still care, I still feel like I met the man of my dreams. But maybe it's a fantasy, I don't know. We seem to have so much in common, yet we have only spent two days in person together. The rest has been on the Internet and on the phone. It's sure a different way to start a relationship with someone. I know there are many success stories, I have a friend with one. They too were 2000 miles away, met online, got together, then soon were living together and later married. They are still together, very much in love, three years later. I don't know if that's the way it turns out often or not.<P>I only know that the feelings I have are very real. I don't know where they have come from, just that we seem so right. That we connected, and when I was with him, I wanted nothing more than to be with him, to touch him, and to kiss him. Do I feel like that with my H? NO!!<P>So I'm lost, not knowing what to do or how to feel. It's so difficult having him that far away, and now that I've tried reconciling with my H, he's dating. It's normal, and he has every right, but it hurts me. I know, some of you will think I'm totally crazy, but that's just how it is. I never thought I'd be in this position, that's for sure.<P>And it took this for my H to wake up too. Why do they wait until they push us totally over the edge? I have never, ever considered doing anything remotely like this in our entire marriage of 20 years!!! Not until we were separated and headed for divorce. Then I finally felt free from him, so I guess I let this happen. <P>Life is so darn confusing sometimes. I guess we make it that way. I would like to simplify. It would be nice to get loving feelings for my H. I wish he would realize that there is work involved here, that he can't expect things to be just great after all he's done to me in the past. And he's right, the relationship between myself and my friend has been far more dangerous for the marriage than any of his affairs because I fell in love, he fell in lust.<P>What a mess!!<P>Isabelle

Isabelle--<P>Yes, this online way of meeting people is very different. I met my current husband from online, technically. We chatted off and on for a year, as "acquaintances" (no "cyber" or phone) and then met at a local aol party. Immediate sparks. Am I deluding myself that it wasn't an online affair? Hmm, I don't think so because in our case very little personal info. was exchanged before we met. More of an oh, you again, hi there.<P>My now ex-H and I were separated for a year, but actually longer than that--for 6 months before we stayed in the same house "for the kids." I went my way, he went his. <P>To answer one of Janice's q's...do you resent your H after meeting your online friend? I was divorcing anyway so I'm not really much help. All I know is that in my current marriage, we both safeguard against online relationships because we know how easy it is for them to develop. And you're right, emotional attachments are far scarier than lustful ones.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Janice:<P>My first piece of advice to you is to throw your computer away. You've been exhibiting "addictive behavior" in regards to chat since you arrived here, and compulsive use of the net is a real problem in marriages.<P>From there, you need to follow the advice outlined in Surviving an Affair. You must end the relationship with the OM, preferrably with your husband's help and input (do it together). No contact---withdrawal for a week won't cut it here. You must NEVER contact him.<P>Then you need to start following the rules for marital recovery. Spending lots of time with your husband. Communicating your needs to him. Being honest. Eliminating lovebusters. If your counselor was ineffective, find another one---my preference would be someone with training in applying the MarriageBuilder principles. You could try phone counseling with Steve Harley here.<P>If you can commit to this, I would expect that your recovery would be pretty quick---your husband hasn't really depleted your lovebank---it just seems like he needs some "fine tuning" to help with the romantic love. And you need to eliminate your behaviors that are damaging the marriage, and I think the central one is your use of the computer.<P>My wife went through the same thing that you have. Only much worse (in terms of the affair). But we've recovering well. And one thing that she's done (without me saying a word) is cut her online time about 10-fold.<P>