Alright finally got home 19 Dec--4 days ago from 6 mos deployment. She told me 01 Nov of affair. 12 Nov or so she claimed ended contact. He left town for training in Nov. For those of you who remember me. I didn't need to snoop two night ago she told me who it was and it was the same guy I thought it was. She also told me that the guys mom (who lives in his house) doesn't know my wife was married. They live close by & she knows where we live--had told my wife she saw her out front mowing the yard.

Anyway, she has been pretty open with me as far as him and his mom. Sounds like she was living a little fantasy of being single again or of just having a boyfriend when I was gone. She originally told me she only made out with this guy but I highly doubt it and havent really asked.

She has been intimate with me twice but she didn't act the same. She didn't really want to and it seemed out of pity the first day. The second time seemed better but required an excessive amount of romancing... I mean chocolate chip pancakes, champange (1/2 glass each only) and strawberries. Still didn't seem like she was 100% into it.

I am really confused. She has finally said "I do love you" but won't say it on the phone or say "I love you too" Is that ok? Also, not to be too explicit, but she lays with me and will lay naked or in her panties in bed with me. We have actually laid around alot in the last 4 days, hours at a time like this. However, when I make advances with my hands or orally she doesn't respond. She tries to tactfully push me away or close herself off from me.

I know she relapse in not contacting him while I was gone, via email or phone, since he has been out of town since I left. I know this because she was honest with me about it. She says she has some kind of feelings for him she is not sure about. She says she is aware that it won't work between them because he is going to be gone for so long. Also, that his mom would be pissed if she found out she was married etc. So she says she already said I was coming home and she was staying with me to try and work it out.

Is all this par for the course so far? Is her reluctance to be intimate normal and how long will this go on for. I know she loves me and she loves the fact I am home. I just want the whole thing back.

Oh yeah she went to counseling once with me and really didn't want to go but knows that I am not staying with her unless we get counseling. However, she didn't like the counselor, didn't like the fact she was the 'bad' girl, and doesn't want to go to the 2nd appointment. Do I tell her I am leaving her if we don't go or should I just lay off the counseling and wait until she is ready? Say in month or two? How long?

"She has been intimate with me twice but she didn't act the same. She didn't really want to and it seemed out of pity the first day."

Count your blessings - at least you are getting pity SF. Many men here would like to be so lucky.

She is acting very normal for a WW. Sounds like you are doing a good job.

I would do one session with the Harleys - costly, but they can talk to her without putting her off, and they can start you on a recovery plan.

Lay off the ultimatums to your wife, pardner. Don’t make counseling a prerequisite for staying in the marriage right now. Frankly, counseling right now probably isn’t going to have any good outcome. It’s too early. However heartfelt they are, ultimatums evoke responses that might not even express the recipient's true feelings. Do NOT set yourself up for failure, okay?

Now, the affair may be over; it may not. Too soon to tell, in my estimation.

How does she feel about applying some of the program expressed by Dr. Harley in Surviving An Affair? Will she agree to a No Contact (NC) letter? Have you negotiated policies of radical honesty and total transparency with her? BTW, if you don’t have SAA, get it. Order it today.

Frankly, I think you’re going to wind up exposing the adultery to at least the OM’s mother. She’s too close, for one thing, and just about any action you take in this matter is going to come to her attention. Start thinking of ways you might approach her to expose.

Do you and your WW have any children? How long have you been married?

LH

Yes choose not to force her into counseling at the moment. She does have significant issues from her past which possible could be responsible for her inability to deal with long periods of being apart, such as my 6 month deployment. She does not have any real girlfriends and being a female in the military gets too much attention from men, making things harder.

Things are going good but staying in this relationship will require counseling eventually. That is one thing over the long run (within 6-9 months) is going to have to happen or I am not going to be able to stay in this relationship.

It is just hard to hear your wife doesn't really want to be sexual with you because of her feelings. I am happy that at least she is affectionate and is acting like she really enjoys my company and the fact I am back home. I just hope the whole package comes back.

No kids and 3 years of marriage (together 3 before that) to answer your question.

By the way. When is this whole situation considered to be in the recover phase?

dluke....

First, thanks for helping to protect our country.

The first thing towards recovery is to have absolute "no contact" in place. Recovery cannot begin until your W has no contact with the OM. She'll likely go through some kind of withdrawal from the OM and will still be foggy. Once she withdraws from this OM, real recovery will begin.

Does the OM live close by with his mother? If so, I think you two are going to have to move. I know you said the OM will be leaving soon, but is that for good or temporary? Your wife cannot ever see him or talk to him again or the withdrawal period starts over from the beginning.

Welcome back Dluke!

The only input I'd have is that it's still "early days", and you need to cool your jets and not be in such a hurry.

You will not "fix" this problem quickly, nor can you fix HER.

Learn what your own LBs are and eradicate them.

Listen to her with more than your ears.

There is still much going on in her, and I'd be surprised if she's anywhere near over her withdrawl.

SF appears to be one of YOUR ENs, and from your past posts, appears to occupy the forefront of your concerns.

If it's not one of hers (at least right now), back off my friend.

Slow down and be patient...this will not be over quickly.

Good luck and have a great New Years - but don't "force" it...

L2F

It sounds like you're making good progress. Have you considered counseling with the Harley's, to help jump start the recovery process. I would suggest that you make the call yourself---let your wife know that you're doing this to help them work on your side of the marriage. They'll eventually ask you wife for feedback---and if she's seeing results that she likes, BOOM---she'll be hooked in....

Thanks once again for the advice and the support. To clarify: His mom lives with him in his home, the do live close by. Moving is not an option due to both being in the military. He is however not in town. He left first day or so of November. Found out she was in email/phone contact right up until the day prior to me getting home on 19 Dec.

So far I went back to work on 28 Dec and duty days every third day must stay on the ship. Two duty days so far she came to the ship during the evening to hang out with me and eat dinner together; including New Years eve.

However, New Years Eve she told me she emailed him that day. She said she hadn't said 'goodbye' to him, and wanted to let him know that she was moving on without him. She wouldn't let me see the email or anything so not sure if it is a good thing or if I should be more concerned then anything?

Also, today (2 Jan) she worked & I didn't. Got a call at 1015 in which she was asking if I could meet her for lunch. I was kind of in the middle of stuff and could tell she really wanted me to come--which of course I did go and meet her. It was obvious she was happy I was there... haven't had that feeling in a while-it was very uplifting.

By the way L2Fly: I have laid off the SF thing and we both seem to be more comfortable, and she seems to be even more affectionate in the last few days too.