I met my now wife 9 years ago, I was 22 she was 17. We dated for 4 1/2 years, I wanted to be sure she had time to live as a single person. Now just after our 5th wedding anniversary, I was feeling very low about all the pressure I have been under. I asked her if she ever wishes she hadn't married me, looking for some support, she said "sometimes". I was crushed, I asked if she was going to leave me, and she said she didn't know. I came apart, I never hurt that bad before, and she didn't even shed a tear. She has been dropping hints lately, that she is not happy, I asked for a list of things she liked about me, for Christmas. She responded with we need to see a counselor. To which I responded with the ever stupid "how are we going to pay for it?"
I have been a fool, in our marriage, she has not been upfront about her needs. she has told me she needs more romance. It is the same every time, I do better for a while, then I forget to make the time. Now she is so detached that she doesn't even know if she wants in or out. I never knew it was this bad. I look back and see a lot of things that I should have seen. She has stopped writing music, stopped painting, she doesn't do anything anymore. She used to be such a social person, now she just stays home with our 20 month old son. She has suppressed a lot in her life and I only last night started to hear some of it. I have a bad habit of buying things that I don't need/can't afford, and then tell her we can't afford it when she needs something. I feel like a complete failure as a husband, but also like I didn't get a fair shot at making her happy. She said she doesn't want to leave, because if she does she knows she will never come back. She is carrying all the hurt I ever caused her inside of her. I recently found out that she has not really forgiven me. I love her so much, and I just want to see her happy again. any advice on how to support her being honest and, change myself so that I can consistently SHOW her how much I love her. I am dying to get some wisdom, I have none left.

forgot to mention, after we had this discussion, when I found out how I had failed. The next night I came home from work early, and called her, asked her to come home so we could talk. She came home and we talked for a couple of hours. Then we made love. I am so confused. She said she is questioning if she stayed with me after our "break" before marriage. She feels safe with me and has feelings for me, she doesn't hate me. She just doesn't want to be miserable like she thinks her mother is. Any help would be great.

RH - welcome to marriage builders. You are in a great place to understand and fix the problems in your marriage. It will take work - more work than you may realize - but if you both put in the effort and time you can not only restore your marriage, you can make it better than you ever imagined.

The first thing you need to do is order and read "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" from this site. While it is coming in the mail read Harley's site from beginning to end. Start with the Love bank and emotional needs. Find out what your wife needs from you to feel in love with you. Then do those things - consistently and well. At the same time find out the things you do/don't do that makes your wife feel bad - your Love Busters. Identify and eliminate them - consistently.

If you do these things you will very very likely create that spark between you and your wife again. It is harder than it sounds. There will be ups and downs but you can do it.

I'm a little confused where you say that your wife has not been upfront about her needs but then you say she has expressed a need for more romance. You say that you have improved but then you 'forget to make time' and things go back to where they were.

This is going to be maybe the hardest part. It sounds like your wife is in withdrawal. If she is it means she is so tired of feeling neglected and disappointed that she has closed down. She will be very reluctant to let you meet her needs now - especially if you have tried and failed a lot in the past. She will be expecting you to change temporarily but in a few months everything will just be the same.

But it won't. This time you are going to really understand what you need to do and why. Then you are going to make serious and permanent changes. She won't believe it at first. But over time she will she that you really are a different person.

I suggest you re post your situation on the Emotional Needs section. It gets more traffic and meeting your wife's emotional needs seems to be the root of your problem.

There are lots of us who have been in your shoes. Don't despair. Approach this as a problem that you can fix because, hard as it seems, this is very fixable.

BWS

I am a newbie to MB, but I can tell you from a woman's point of view that the fact that you care enough to post here, to recognize your own faults and be willing to address them, would personally mean a lot to me.

She might not be able to show you her emotions right now, but keep moving forward and trying. Don't get discouraged if she seems like stone. It might take some time for her to get over the pain she has been supressing. Just keep trying. She will be impressed on the inside.

You need to start seeing your marriage from her side. That will enable you to make permanent changes, because your love will allow you to ensure that she gets what she needs. Before you buy that MP3 player to replace your perfectly good CD player, think "did I ever get her that new toaster, or is she having to make toast in the oven still?" Start thinking that way - her first, then you.

I would also, if I were you, share with her that you have found this place, and ask her to explore it with you together, a little bit each night. It will go a long way to prove that you're serious and it will help you open up discussions and get to Open and Honest.

I am living in a permanent stat of heartbreak, and I don't have my best friend to talk to about this. It means alot that you guys are here! I am very much trying to show her how much I care, I am cleaning the house and doing the laundry, but that is more because it is how I can escape the pain of feeling so lost. But, I am affraid that I will "loose focus again" I have a way of doing that, I NEVER WANT TO HURT HER LIKE THAT AGAIN! I am realy depressed and not rational, She is working all the time and doesn't want to think about this right now. She is thinking that "we are just not right for each other". She has this way of making me think everything is ok when it is not. And I fall for it every time, I get lazy, noes anyone have any tips on how I can make these lasting changes, any resources on personal growth, I just seam to be real good at putting bandaids on things. I need to repair myself, and I don't know if I can do it without her help, and I don't know if I could/should ask/expect her help, to make it permanent. Anything helps, thanks again everyone

You sound like you're just going through the motions, instead of really changing. That will not happen until you stop, slow down, realize who you really are, who she is, what you have together, and realize if she means more to you than you do yourself. If she does, if her happiness means more than your happiness, then you're truly in love, and you will WANT to make real changes because those changes will mean something to her, make her happy. It doesn't sound like you've reached that yet. Counseling can help. Reading can help. Above all, honest talking to each other, getting to really know each other will help.