please read below....


I am going back and forth on my decision whether to give my husband the 'space' he is asking for or not.
My husband has told me that he needs time to be seperated to figure out what he wants. He needs to decide whether he wants to stay in this marriage or not. I understand that by doing this, he is also telling me that he will continue to talk to the OW. Is it completely crazy for me to give him the space he is asking for? Today he told me that he wants to file for divorce. I told him today that I do not want a divorce and that I will fight him on it because I do not feel this is the best and right thing to do (for any of us). He understands that and said he will not file right now. He said he knows that the best thing for himself, me, and our daughter is for us to stay married and a family. He has asked me to let him be the one to cut off ties with the OW without me 'forcing' what I want the outcome to be. He has also said that he realizes it is not fair to me to still continue to talk to the OW while living in the same house and agrees that it is disrespectful and hurtful to me. He wants to seperate and have this time.

To give you or history and personalities: I have a tendency to be pretty pushy and try to be controlling; he is more laid back and feels that people need to make their own choices, right or wrong and then learn from them. In the past, my husband has always tried to be there for me and support me even when he wasn't sure that it was the best thing. Out of the 17 years we have been together he has never cheated and has always remained true and supportive to me. He had the affair with the OW from Feb-May and completely cut off all contact in June. He told me that he tried to cut off ties with her completely and do it my way the first time. When she contacted him, he did not immediately respond. She sent a few emails and calls before he caved. He told me that he believes that they need to talk and come to resolution together to completely stay away for life. He said that both of them know and have admitted to each other that they would never 'make it' as a married couple. They realize that the affair they had has been hurtful to everyone involved and do not want to continue to do that. He said that if I he is able to do this his way that he can come back and completely commit to me and look me in the eyes and be 100% sure that she will not affect our marriage again and that he will be completely faithful.
He and the OW are so much alike. I believe that they could have had a great friendship and it would have stayed that way if they were getting their needs met from their spouses. They mistook their compatiblity as friends and turned it into something that it should not have been. Should I not show him Grace and let him make his own mistakes? I have made it clear that I do not want our marriage to end and that he will have to cut off all contact with this OW for life for our marriage to continue. He is very clear on this and said if I give him 4-6 weeks let him come to his decision on his own.
One thing that I read from (Harley) on MB is that affairs do not always end the way that he suggests and that a lot of times they fizzle or both parties agree to end it after much time and discussion. Should I not give him Grace to do this the way that he needs to?

I am emotionally confused on what to do from here. My heart and intuition tell me to give him the time he is asking for. However, when I listen to input from friends or family they just tell me he is buying time to carry on his affair. He is not this kind of person as I know him to be. PLEASE HELP!

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Well its the weekend and just before Christmas so its going to probably be alittle slow around here.

I am so sorry to hear your going through this.
Have you read any of the Harley books? HNHN? or SAA?
If not I would suggest buying them.

The first thing you need to do is read up on Plan A and start implementing that there is alot of information on this website that will help you learn that heres a link

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Sounds to me like he is trying to able to say you gave him permission to move out and pursue it to relieve his guilt.
I would suggest telling him that you wish him to continue no contact and that if he decides to carry on with her that it is by his choice not yours.

Have you exposed the affair?
If not you need to expose the affair to everyone.
If they work together at the workplace. To her spouse if she is also married? to anyone you think would have a influence over your husband.

Just remember this is not your husband you knew and loved. He is gone and has been replaced with a alien replica he will say and do things you have never heard. He will tell you anything to keep this fantasy alive. He will tell you he needs four to six weeks to figure it all out then he can carry on. Are you sure it really stopped the last few months?

If you do not already have a keylogger on your computer I would place one on it.

Please stay strong you can do this. It doesnt matter how controlling or pushy you believe you are it doesn't mean the affair is acceptable in your marriage.

Be well

I shouldve read your Original thread before I posted. I see you have already been given a lot of great advice in earlier posts.

I still think that he is just trying to continue his affair and justify it by getting your permission to carry on.

He's asking for you to give your blessing. Mine moved out less than 1 month after d/d. He need to think also..... that was a bunch of crap.... he need to carry on the A because the OW was putting pressure.

You know what? His moving out put more pressure on him ($$, time, guilt, etc.). For me his moving out was initially hard but turned out t/b easier because it removed the WS from our presence.

So if your H moves out, where will he be going?

L.

Tru2luv - YES, it's "crazy." That is his playing on your weakness in order to "enable" him to continue his affair without the "constant reminder of your presence" that what he is doing is WRONG on every level and WILL hurt everyone, including the children.

"Just say NO" is something that we try to teach our children to protect them from temptation and harm. Your husband is advocating the opposite, "Just say YES, no matter who gets hurt."

It's typical Wayward Spouse speak.

DO NOT agree to a separation, no matter how hard his actions are on you emotionally, unless you are prepared to Divorce him for CAUSE, that cause being adultery.

It's not easy, but folks here will help you through the process of ending an affair and recovering your marriage, if that is what YOU want to do.

God bless.

thanks to all for the great input.

When I asked him this he says he will move in with his brother or with the OW. First, he and his brother don't really talk, his brother is a drug addict and drug dealer. I cannot see my husband going to his house. Second, he is making the assumption that the OWH will be moving out. When I exposed to the OWH the other night, I said to him do not move out of your house under any circumstances. I hope that he does not. One thing I learned from the first time my WH and the OW tried to make a go of things...my husband backed out because it was not as easy as he thought it would be. He actually told me that he thought it would be easy. The gift from God right now is that we have no money, no credit cards, and car transportation is an issue to. This will make it all hard on him and expose to the OW what a coward he really is.

Thank you all very much-I confidently know now that I must kick into Plan A NOW and pray that he eventually comes out of the fog.

Tru2luv - you already have your answer to this bogus "space" request:

"When I asked him this he says he will move in with his brother or with the OW."

His brother would only be likely because he knows his brother won't care what he does. The more likely scenario is to move in with OW. THAT is NOT "space." That is an excuse to carry on the affair.

If he won't end the affair now, then you should consider telling him to move out if you think you can handle things without him, including the bills.

You mentioned God, so let me ask you if both you and your husband are "born-again" believers in Christ?

If so, how is he justifying is WILLFUL disobedience and choise to sin against God?

God bless.

Yes, I am saved. My husband said that he is however, he does not have any conviction or remorse in his heart for what he is doing. As a coworker from my church said 'the tree does not bear any fruit'. I have told him that if Jesus is in his heart how can he continue to do this knowing the pain it is causing, knowing that it is against the Bible. He is just blah, blah, blah....nothing he says makes sense so it doesn't matter what he says!
My daughter and I have been going to church regularly without him. We went yesterday a.m. and ironically the pastor talked about having Grace towards those who don't deserve it. He said to write down the name of a person that is treating you without grace and love;he said figure out what you want from that person and this is what you give to THEM. He said in order for me to do this I will have to 'die off' what is preventing me from giving and receiving this Grace. I went forward and asked the church to pray for me to be able to give Grace for a person in my life who is being hurtful. I know that the more prayers the better.

As far as his brother...even he has said that he has no clue what my husband wants to leave me for. He said from his point of view I have probably let him get away with too much in our marriage-always catering to his needs and dysfunction. Actually, all of his family and mine said this the first time I exposed the affair. Go figure....

I know I have responded to you before and you are looking for opinions from other members, but I just wanted to remind you of a few things. Your H is trying to make a pitch to you so that he can continue his addiction to the OW. He knows your vulnerabilitie and he is trying to use them to his advantage.

You are not attempting to control your H by your actions. In fact, you cannot control him. His actions are his responsibility. But you are responsible for your own well being and the well being of your child. Exposing this affair to all who can help you save your marriage is something that you can and should do as a responsible marriage partner and mother. After all, if he is saying that this affair is something that he needs to do for a "few weeks or months", why should he be angry that you are telling people about it? Why does he want to keep his actions a secret from his friends, family, clients? How are you "controling" him by telling people what he is doing with OW?

You are in a very vulnerable state and you are trying to find answers to an extremely weird and ugly situation that you find yourself in. Your wayward husband will not be telling you anything that would be a good idea for you to listen to. He has no good advice for you. That man that you relied upon to help you make decisions in your life is not there for you right now. Don't listen to him. If you do listen, just use "reverse babble" on him when he spouts his absurd talk. Hang in there. Keep in touch with OW's H. He can be a good source of support and information to you right now.

thank you lake...
I have been able to remain very strong and not cave into my husbands twisted manipulation. It is easier today than it has been. You are right on all points and since I have not fed into his manipulation today, I can see so clearly what he is trying to do. Today I have called to speak with my brother (his friend who just got done doing the same thing to his now XW). My brother supports me no matter what I decide and he agrees and knows first hand what my WH is doing. I told him what my plan was and what I was trying to accomplish (save my marriage and quite enabling his sick behavior)and asked him not to enable my WH in anyway by giving him money, cosigning loans, or even giving him a place to stay. He agreed. I asked his mom if I can get both her and her husband (stepfather) on the phone Wed night to talk to both of them and share my plane and get their support to save my marriage and family. She said she would talk to her husband and call me Wed. with a time to have a 'conference call'.

So, my big desicion right now is whether to try to talk to the OW parents. They are here in town for Christmas and will be leaving on Wed. According to my husband her parents know that she wants a divorce from her husband. I do not believe that she would tell them that she is having an affair. Talking to her husband is a bit tricky. He went back to her after I exposed and lied about what I said. He did this the last time around too. He told her that I said all of these horrible things about my husband and of course my husband felt I was trying to destroy him by telling lies. Another words I do not think he is the brightest bulb and he would work with me to accomplish ending the affair. He has proven in the past that he is not capable. I believe he has mental instabilities and alcohol issue.
Thank you-you all and this forum are such a blessing!

Merry Christams to everyone!!

Things have improved a little bit yesterday and today. The OW has not been accessible by phone, etc because of a family emergency-not to mention, I blocked his text messaging on his cell.
It was mentioned before to do all you can to hinder contact between the two-what other suggestions can you give me. I am not used to being 'devious' but am willing to get creative and do what I must....suggestions on what may have worked for any of you in the past?

my husband is now downright disrespectful to me and my daughter. No matter what it is, he cannot follow thru on. He is not emotionally available for my daughter and most of the time puts her 'on hold' when she talks to him or asks him for anything. My daughter knows that he is having an affair and he does not do a darn thing to hide it. I just asked him to leave the house because he is hurting her and teaching her that it is okay to be an adulterer. I am afraid what she is going to grow up to be like. She sees him constantly lying to me and she is picking up and starting to make up 'stories'. I have talked to him about this and he said he told her what he is doing is wrong and that she will be fine.
Should I switch to plan b out of protection for my daughter?

The only way for the affairees to come to some "resolution" is to have NO CONTACT forever. But they always want to somehow include each other in any closure.

Sounds like hubby wants to continue the affair. I would see an attorney to secure the family financially. Then I would go to Plan B.

my kids know what their dad is doing too, and they are teens, this really sucks! I don't want them growing up thinking it's ok, because if you "love" the ow/om, then it's permissable. it's NOT! ugh! I'm in such a bad mood about this right now!

I wish adultry were illegal like it used to be. my bs's ow isn't married, I guess her mom is a bit upset with her, but i don't know either of them so I can't do any exposing that hasn't already been done.

I'm seriously thinking it's about time for a plan b for me as well... have you started a draft of yours?

ss

Here is what the Harleys say -

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.