Let me start with the basics. I’m in a long term relationship. Not married, living together for sixteen years, no children. I am very familiar with the concepts here. A few months ago I detected some suspicious behavior from my boyfriend. Shortly after, I confronted boyfriend with some of this behavior and he denied an affair and called me paranoid. He has not offered any proof of his innocence (I haven’t asked for it). If our positions were reversed, I would have gone to extreme lengths to clear up such a misunderstanding, if that’s what is was, without being asked.

I have not yet been able to get proof. Shortly before this suspicious behavior started there was an influx of new employees at his work, so I suspect this is at least an EA with a new coworker. I have not installed a key logger on his computer he uses most often because it is work issued. I know I could get proof by doing so, but I am not willing to risk jail to get the proof. There is a high probability he or his company would detect it, and besides, there is enough (continuing) circumstantial evidence to convince me.

We own a house together. He could afford the house without me, but I cannot afford it without him. I’m currently saving as much money as I can in order to move out and go to Plan B. I have enough money to move into an apartment right now, but haven’t decided if I want to do that, or keep saving until I have enough for a down payment on my own (much smaller) house. There are pros and cons to both options.

We currently are not speaking or interacting in any way, and have not since I confronted him and he called me paranoid (about two months ago). I am sleeping in another bedroom. I have had some STD testing but have to schedule an appointment for some others.

I simply cannot (will not?) do a Plan A. I am unwilling to reward him with my company or meet his needs while he is engaged in this behavior, because I would be resentful. The only need I am purposely meeting is FS, as I continue to pay the particular bills I always have paid. I am in withdrawal by choice to minimize the damage we can do to each other until I am able to move out. I know that my withdrawal is somewhat damaging to his feelings for me, but I do not know how damaging. What I do know is that he has had a very low balance in my Love Bank for a long time, so I don’t feel that I can afford to be very accommodating.

I’m not sure what kind of response or advice I expect since I’m currently not in either Plan A and am undecided about how soon to go to Plan B. I welcome any thoughts or questions you may have. I will not be able to respond until the 26th, so please don’t think I am ignoring any responses. I will be back as soon as possible.

Well, if your love bank is low, and you don't want to do Plan A, then you will need to prepare for Plan B.

What are the laws in your state about community property for those who are living together?

dear cb

You can't really go to plan B
because you aren't in plan A....hence the terms A..with B following....

If your plan is to just break up and be done....
then the plan you are on is a good superhighway to get you there...

with loads of your participating in the total demise of the relationship...

be wary of this ending very very badly....in which you suffer and seek for a long time of

what you could of would of should of....

and what he could of would of should of...

also be wary that the way you going about not dealing with this issue...not engaging and communicating with him....
the pattern you have set...

will be part of you for a some time as well and may have potential effect on future relationships....

Plan A ..is a multi layered approach when dealing with someone you love who is using you to justify their horrible horrible choices....

It is a tool of communication ....when both parties want to shut out and shut down...as you are doing...

but if and when you can get the lines of communication open on different levels....then there is actually a chance of resolution of many many things....

and the chance to perhaps to really build together a wonder relationship that meets both parties needs..

can't help you plan B...you havent done plan A...(and you can't plan B because plan B is a great letter and action of love...FOLLOWED by loving actions.....plan A(respect...accountability....clear communication) etc

you have to admit that stonewalling and not communicating at all is and will never work...
and do not fool yourself in to thinking that if you drop a bomb and say you are leaving....that it will suddenly open the flood gates of communication....

cause nothing is being done to lay the ground work of open honest communication.....

you should perhaps re-read about plan A...cause if you think you can just go to plan B there's probably quite a bit you don't understand about the plans....

people here can always answer you questions...

ARK

Ark -

[quote} plan A(respect...accountability....clear communication) etc [/quote]

This statement has peaked something in me. I understand that I am working at respecting my H, but how does Plan A show him that respect.

I am not trying to be dense, and I think this is a huge issue that I need to understand so I can put it into practice in my sitch.

Thank you,

becoming aware of and meeting your H's primary EN's is an act of respect. Becoming aware of yourself and the LB you engage in and retraining yourself to eliminate those is an act of respect as well SG.

Now, WS don't usually seem to consciously notice or acknowledge those things, but that is also part of Plan A, to give, without expecting anything in return.

Thank you, Believer. I am preparing for Plan B. One of my biggest concerns is that my long preparation time will be too draining.

I live in an equitable distribution state.

Thank you, ark^^.

I do realize this has a great chance of ending badly. If it does, I will not spend much time wondering what I could have done differently. I’m doing that now, to avoid those feelings of regret in the future. That is why I’m here, to hear other ideas on what I could do now, before it is too late.

I absolutely agree that not engaging and communicating about this issue is a bad way to go. I’m just at a loss as to how to change it, as ridiculous as that sounds. We have had communication issues for a long time. I only recently realized he is passive aggressive and that I need to change the way I communicate with him because of this. I barely started on improving my communication with him when the suspicious behavior started, so I don’t feel I have the skills to handle this successfully.

I don’t understand how the lines of communication can be open when he lies.

well coolbreeze every WS spouse here lies....
it is the nature of an affair....

and yet those that are in plan A...here

are either working on communicating
or are doing their share of communicating...

here's the thing....
I and others can go on and on and on about things you can do...

loving things....
things that set boundaries
things that get his attention etc etc etc...

but if your only goal is to save enough money to move out which is an OK decision...

then there is no need for people to post to you all that stuff...

you can expose now
you can confront the lies.
you can stop your participation in the poor communciation dynamics
you can decide and tell him you don't want to break up
you could be honest and tell him today you want to break up..

here's the thing
your silence...
solidifies and feeds right in to his wayward actions....

gives him lots of ammo
and fodder

ARK

CB, thanks for sharing your story. I am glad that you found something to relate to when I share my story.

The MB program takes an internal committment to work a Plan on good days and bad. To bring who you really are to the marriage, instead of letting resentment, the desire to hurt back, and false payoffs get in the way. I have struggled with finding that commitment. Struggled with living from my feelings instead of my code.

Plan B is to preserve the love you have, to keep your partner's huge LBs from eating up the rest of it.

Have you read Dr. Harley's articles on

Preparing for Marriage

This book seems wriiten for the situatin where you describe. Where you're ready for more from your relationship: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6080_buyer.html

Hi ark^^,

I understand every WS spouse here lies. I have always had a very low tolerance for lies. It is a form of disrepect and I do not stay engaged in conversations where I'm being disrespected.

Saving money to move out is not my only goal. I don't even consider it a "goal" although I can see how it can be perceived that way. To me that is part of the preparation for protecting myself, and will be a necessary part of Plan B. I'm really struggling to find things I can do that are Plan A.

As for exposing, I've already done what I can do. His family already knows. Without concrete proof on who he is involved with, there is nothing I can do (that I can think of) about exposing at his work.

I have confronted the lies. He denied or ignored everthing I had to say. Just to be clear, I'm not giving a silent treatment and none of my actions are for any sort of punishment. He is avoiding me. I could assume it is out of guilt, but who knows.
I'll think about this, thank you.

Hi EO,

Thank you for posting. I do struggle with feelings of resentment, on a pretty consistent basis. Because of this, I do take a lot of care to avoid doing things that will cause me to feel resentment. This is why I'm having such a hard time with Plan A behavior. For the most part, I feel that I'm already doing everything I can do without creating resentment in myself, but I want to be sure.

I have read all the articles, thanks. You are right, that book was written for a situation like ours (I have it). I'm a buyer, he's a renter. I'll dig it out for a refresher, it's been a few years.

coolbreeze..,.,

you talk to him in plan a
you plan things together
you invite him to do things with you

you tell him you want to work on your relationship
you tell him you want to be a true honest partnership
you tell him you want to be with him
etc etc etc


There a gazillion things you do in plan A....

some are directly aimed tactics that cut to the core issues without powerstruggling other stuff...

I am surprised you are still calling what you are doing heading to a plan B....

what would your plan B letter look like
what will it offer....

have you thought about what you are going to write...

coolbreeze why do you refuse to talk to him...

ARK

ark^^,

He has no interest in planning things together. I enter a room, he leaves. I cook dinner, he makes himself something else.

I will attempt communication again, but I expect more of the same; him leaving the room or just not responding at all. It gets frustrating when any attempt at conversation turns out to be me talking to the wall.